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The GOP Respects States’ Rights, Unless Your State Gives You These Workplace Benefits

The GOP Respects States’ Rights, Unless Your State Gives You These Workplace Benefits

by Alieza Durana @ Slate Articles

The GOP has already stripped you of workplace protections at the federal level, and now they’re coming after benefits your state has given you, too. The new Workflex in the 21st Century Act introduced before Congress by California Rep. Mimi Walters would create a voluntary paid leave scheme employers could participate in instead of complying with state and local laws and ordinances on paid leave. There’s precedence for this: Several states have recently (and quietly) moved to pass obscure “pre-emption laws,” which shield employers from complying with city laws such as paid sick days, paid leave, minimum wage laws, and fair work scheduling, that have only been passed to supplement the paltry unpaid offerings guaranteed by the federal government. Yes, the same party who used states rights arguments to pass gay marriage bans, oppose the Affordable Care Act and Environmental Protection Agency regulations, and refuse refugee resettlement are considering using the federal government to block state and local work-family legislation.

The 2017 Workflex Act would amend the Employee Retirement Income Security Act to create what are cynically called “flexible work arrangements,” which would allow employers to ignore their state and local requirements in exchange for voluntarily providing a small amount of paid leave (sick time, vacation time, time off—it’s not specified) to full-time workers. This paid-leave minimum would be anywhere from 12 days for smaller employers with new employees up to 20 days for workers with over five years of experience at the largest firms. However, employers are allowed to subtract six federal holidays from that compensable leave, and none of the benefits apply to employees who’ve worked at an organization for less than a year. Six days of paid time off for a new mom, father of a sick child, or cancer patient, is hardly a solution to the United States’ current last-place status among industrialized countries when it comes to paid leave.

So despite efforts by states like Washington to pass 12 weeks of paid family and medical leave, the Walters bill could pre-empt it or allow Washington state employers to provide those 12–20 days (to some, not all) instead. States are already well underway in pre-empting local efforts, from minimum wage and firearm laws to paid sick days. The state of Missouri now prevents localities from passing paid-sick-days legislation, for example. Dillon’s rule, which allows states to set health and safety standards that supercede local control (to learn more about your state’s pre-emption efforts, explore here), provides them grounds to do this. An August Economic Policy Institute report highlights 15 states that have passed 28 laws pre-empting local labor standards, specifically as they relate to paid leave, paid sick days, and the minimum wage.

The GOP says it’s bad for business, and therefore bad for workers, to have to comply with patchwork laws. This is the argument of the Society for Human Resource Managers. But there’s a better solution than letting employers opt out of better state and local laws: Pass sweeping federal legislation that improves upon each of these state and local laws so these governments don’t have to invent their own stop-gap programs and policies in the meantime.

At a hearing on Tuesday with the House Subcommittee on Health, Employment, Labor and Pensions, Carrie Lukas, president of the Independent Women’s Forum, an organization aiming to increase “the number of women who value free markets and personal liberty,” spoke in favor of the Workflex Act: “Policymakers’ goal should be to help make it easier for workers to prepare for time away from work and for businesses to provide leave benefits but without discouraging hiring and innovative work relationships,” Lukas concluded. “However, the best way to ensure that workers have the benefits they need is for there to be a growing economy, which offers plentiful job opportunities and rising compensation.”

This means little in real terms other than a hope and prayer for trickle-down economics. Results from the National Study of Employers (ironically, released by the Society for Human Resource Managers, one of the supporters of the Workflex Act) show that most employers don’t currently offer paid family or medical leave. One of Lukas’ alternative suggestions to state and local attempts to remedy this is “personal care accounts”—or bank accounts where people can save their own money to take leave. But this is really only a way the more affluent could pay for leave (some of whom probably already get paid leave through their jobs). With stagnant wages and families unable to afford an emergency expense over $400, personal care accounts seem like a nonanswer to our workplace woes.

It’s unclear whether the GOP will jump on the Workflex bandwagon wholesale. Subcommittee chair Rep. Tim Walberg of Michigan said, “We have questions in this area and we have needs. Questions such as: Can employers be trusted to make good paid time off decisions for both themselves and their employees? Or can we develop productive paid time off legislation that fosters good relations between employees and employers while not violating our constitutional federalism in regards to the state and local primacy, and that is an important question to consider.”

The Walters bill before the House does neither.

Baby’s First Sermon

Baby’s First Sermon

by Mallory Ortberg @ Slate Articles

Mallory Ortberg, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Sign up below to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com.)

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Mallory Ortberg: Good morning, world! Let’s get to adjudicating.

Q. Grandma trying to convert grandchild: Grandma is very, very religious and has taken it upon herself to attempt to convert our new 2-month-old son. Every “conversation” with the infant includes God and every present is Christian-themed, from Christian picture frames to religious children’s books. Obviously the child still doesn’t grasp any of this.

The rub is my spouse and I aren’t religious, and agreed to raise our child in our (lack) of beliefs. We aren’t bothered by exposure, which can be great for learning, but this proselytizing isn’t OK. How do we get Grandma to stop, especially when the Christmas season is bound to kick this into overdrive? I am not optimistic that she will listen if we ask politely, and I would prefer to stop it before little Einstein is old enough to understand.

A: I’ve heard of religious family members trying to convert their relatives’ young children, but I’m almost impressed at how early your grandmother is trying to get God’s foot in the door (Almost. I am not, in fact, impressed with her behavior.). The good—and bad—news is that if your grandmother does not listen to your polite requests, you have the opportunity to establish appropriate consequences. “Grandma, I know your faith is important to you and that you love little Hanktimony here, but we’re not religious and don’t want you to proselytize to him.” If the religious gifts continue, you get to follow up with, “As we mentioned, we don’t want you to proselytize to our son; we’re going to donate this to an appropriate charity.” If she’s completely incapable of interacting with a baby without trying endlessly to espouse her religious beliefs, then you will get to limit the time she spends with her grandchild. That’s unfortunate, but it’s completely avoidable if she can behave appropriately. You’re not asking her to pretend she’s not religious, nor are you preventing her from expressing her faith, you’re simply asking her to refrain from trying to convert a 2-month-old baby with every breath.

Q. No way: My husband and I love the great outdoors and have taken our daughter to every national park in the state. She is 11. My two sisters have girls of their own. We took them all for a week this summer to a lake to see how a cousins camping trip would go.

It went great except for “Gracie.” Gracie was miserable. She could not do the simplest activities and didn’t want to do them at all. She would have panic attacks and cry if a bee got near her. My husband and I traded off doing activities with the other girls and staying in camp with Gracie.

Her mother adored having a kid-free week and wants to do this again for spring break. My husband and I want to do it with the other girls, but this time it would involve some actual deep woods experience. Gracie had a horrible time when we were at actual campsite with showers and toilets. Gracie says she wants to come, and I think it is mostly to please her mother. How do I tell my sister no way and still keep the peace? Gracie is a great girl and smart as a whip, but she is not the outdoors type at all.

A: Oh, this is tricky, especially because you’re not considering keeping it just in your nuclear family this year, but inviting all of the other cousins except for Gracie. It would be one thing if you just wanted to take your own girls, but I’m not sure how you could keep everyone on the roster but Gracie, especially if she still says she wants to go. My inclination is to say that you should just take your own children this year, but I’m open to hearing from other readers (especially parents!) who have other ideas on how to deal with this.

Q. Stuck: I adore “Dan.” He is everything I want in a man: sweet, funny, kind, and handsome. Dan lost his wife of four years to a drunk driver three years ago; he is still obsessively involved with her children. I wouldn’t think anything about it if Dan had raised these girls from birth, but they were 11 and 7 when Dan married their mother. Their biological father was not overly involved in their lives but not willing to sign away his paternal rights. His mother is the one with the day-to-day custody.

The 18-year-old moved in with Dan as soon as her birthday came. She has no plans for school as of now, does not have a full-time job, and calls Dan “Daddy.” I am very uncomfortable when I go over to Dan’s condo and she is there. I know she doesn’t like me, and while she hasn’t made any overtly hostile moves, she hugs Dan all the time and deliberately brings up her younger sister and interferes with any plans that we are making (“you can’t do anything Sunday, Daddy, Julie has a game,” et cetera!).

The entire situation makes me queasy. When the 14-year-old comes over, the three of them are this little impregnable unit, and I feel like the new kid in the lunchroom. They hang off Dan like limpets and ignore me entirely. The entire situation is ridiculous! I feel like the Evil Stepmother except they aren’t my stepkids! They aren’t even Dan’s anymore! Every time I bring up our relationship, Dan filters it through the kids’ angle (if we’d move in together, “where would the girls live?” If we sell our places and get a new one together, “it has to be near the girls!” If we go to Jamaica for Christmas, “what about the girls?”). I know I love Dan. I want to have a family with him, but he is stuck in the past. What can I do here?

A: Oh, man. I don’t often find myself wishing that a letter were fake, but I hope very much that this one is. The fact that you consider Dan’s relationship to his daughters temporary or easily dismissed because he has not raised them from birth is absolutely heartbreaking. Their mother is dead, their biological father is largely absent, and Dan has raised them since they were little girls—he’s their father, and any relationship you try to build with him that’s predicated on trying to diminish or mitigate that reality is doomed to fail. Your boyfriend’s daughter doesn’t like you because you have made it perfectly clear that you think it’s time for him to abandon his “old” daughters and start a new family with you. You feel like an Evil Stepmother because you are using some of the most classic moves out of the Evil Stepmother playbook! You are being an Evil Stepmother, full stop. If you can’t find a way to accept that Dan has two children and that any relationship you build together will have to rest upon that foundation, then the best thing you can do, for his sake as well as your own, is to break up now.

Q. Re: No way: Could they take all the girls except Gracie but offer a special trip (to the movies and a fun dinner locally, for example?) just to Gracie to make up for leaving her out of the dreaded camp out? I hated camping, and felt left out, myself!

A: That could be really sweet! Part of the implicit pressure is that the letter writer knows their sister wants another kid-free week, so it may be that the sister in question is less interested in making sure Gracie has a good time with her aunts/uncles/cousins and more interested in getting free child care. This won’t address that problem (although I think the letter writer should feel enormously free to make it clear that this trip is about really roughing it in the great outdoors, not about making sure their sisters get a week off of parenting), but it may go a long way toward making sure everyone actually enjoys the time they spend together.

Q. Family photos with dog: I’m recently engaged (within the last six months) to a wonderful dude with two equally wonderful children (7 and 10, who are with us about 60 percent of the time). We’ve recently adopted a puppy. I’m childless and have wanted a dog desperately for approximately 25 years. Based on a variety of factors, I’m probably not going to have my own biological children.

Am I allowed to have professional photos taken of the dog while he’s still a baby? There’s a giant part of me that says, “Yup—you’re childless and will remain so, sure you can get puppy photos done,” and there’s a big part of me that says, “Absolutely not, any professional photos need to include the kids and it’s not appropriate for you to do this/be in any of them without your fiancé and the kids.” Thoughts?

A: Never has the phrase “Others abide our question/ Thou art free” seemed quite so fitting. I think that you can get professional photos taken in whatever configuration you like! It doesn’t sound like these pictures are going on your engagement announcement or wedding invitations—you just want to spend some money on professional pictures with you and your new puppy. That is fine! It is your money, and your dog; if you want to wrangle a puppy into a photography studio and pose for pictures, then you have my blessing. If you also want to get professional photos with your fiancé and soon-to-be-stepchildren, too, you have my blessing there, too. There’s no reason you can’t do both.

Q. Re: Stuck: Your answer was spot on. Two weeks ago I married a wonderful, loving man who is still completely involved in the lives of his “former stepchildren”—he was married to their mom for 10 years before their divorce, and did most of the heavy lifting of raising them from grade school through high school graduation. The fact that he will always consider them “his kids” is, to me, just more evidence of what a great guy he is. They are now in college and basically have four parents—their biological ones and the two of us. So I would encourage the letter writer to take his devotion to the kids as living proof of what a loving and loyal person he is. If he were the kind of person who could just bail on them, as you clearly wish he would do, he would not be the “sweet” and “kind” person you describe.

A: There’s something especially jarring about wanting your boyfriend to ditch his own family in order to start a new one with you. What kind of father would he be to any children you’d have together, if he could be that easily talked into casting his other children aside? (I’m afraid I know the letter writer’s answer—any children they’d have together would be biologically his and therefore “more important,” which is a desperately sad worldview to hang on to.) I’m so glad to hear that your new husband is a good father and that you’ve been able to see your way through to becoming a part of his family, rather than trying to separate him from the rest of them.

Q. Family truth: Seven years ago, before my niece was born, my sister had an affair with a Colombian co-worker. Our family is white and so is my brother in-law’s family, though they claim to have some long-ago Native American ancestry. This is the excuse my sister seized on when my niece was born with brown eyes and brown hair despite everyone else being either blond or redheads. I don’t have physical proof beyond the timing of my niece’s birth and my sister confiding in me about the affair. My brother-in-law is not the sharpest tool in the shed, but he loves his wife and his daughter. I brought up the issue once with my sister, and she shut me down—the affair was a “mistake,” but there is no way her baby could be anyone else’s but her husband’s. Her response was harsh enough that I have never brought it up since.

My niece has. She looks nothing like her brothers and younger sister. She has asked why she tans in the summer while everyone else gets red and if she was adopted like her friend in school. My sister freaks out over these questions and comes down harshly. I know that this is going to be an issue as my niece gets older. What can I do to prepare?

A: Not much, I think. You have a suspicion but little else, and it’s not impossible for two fair-haired people to have a dark-haired child. You can encourage your sister to respond more graciously when her daughter asks an innocent question, but if she’s completely unwilling to talk about the possibility of her former affair partner being the father of her child, then you can’t force her.

Q. Overeating brother-in-law: My brother-in-law has a serious problem with overeating. Yesterday, upon arriving at a family gathering at my home, he immediately made a beeline for the buffet table and loaded up his plate without even saying hello to anyone. He loaded it up several more times thereafter, eating while huddled in a corner without interacting much socially. Two hours later, he comes over and asks if there are any more bagels. He then ate three bagels in the span of 15 minutes, literally just shoving them in his face. He carries food around with him at all times. He’s gained at least 125 pounds since my eldest was born and the pictures of him holding my then-infant child seven years ago are startling (and he wasn’t thin then either).

Yet, I’m the only one who seems to care about this. My wife shrugs and says it’s a problem but there’s nothing for her to do; he’s an adult and not her child. She cares more that he eats the food she was planning on saving for the week. The rest of his immediate family either doesn’t see a problem or says he’s very sensitive and he’ll completely shut people out if it’s mentioned. He has a lot of other problems: He’s never had a girlfriend despite being in his mid-30s, and he’s never had full-time employment (just series of part-time gigs). Aside from being grossed out and worried about his health, I think he’s just given up on life (he makes no attempt to fix any problems in his life) and probably has deep, untreated depression. Is there anything to be done? I don’t think it’s my place to say anything, and no one else will.

A: I think the key part of your letter is the phrase “aside from being grossed out,” which suggests that your concern has less to do with spending more time with your brother-in-law and offering him emotional support, and more to do with trying to control his behavior.

Your wife is right—he is an adult, and you two aren’t especially close, so you have a limited ability to start raising intimately personal issues with him. You can’t go from “We speak every few months” to “Hey, I’ve identified your three biggest problems in life and think it’s time for you to address them” overnight. If nothing else, know that as a fat person, your brother-in-law has likely already gotten a great deal of advice and input about his eating habits from strangers, friends, and acquaintances, even if your family has refrained from commenting. That doesn’t mean, however, that there’s nothing you can do to help support someone you believe to be in visible emotional pain.

You say that the other day he didn’t say hello to anyone at the family dinner, then sat in a corner while eating. As an in-law who doesn’t have a solid friendship with him, it’s not your place to subsequently ask him about his relationship to food, but there was nothing keeping you from going over and saying hello, and engaging him socially. Your options are not restricted to either “Tell your grown in-law you think he’s eating emotionally/compulsively, that he needs a girlfriend, and he has a spotty employment history, and that you know how to fix it” or “ignore him completely.” If you think he seems lonely and isolated at family events, say hello. Draw him out. Tell him you’re happy to see him, and try to find something you’d both enjoy talking about, rather than keeping a mental scorecard of how much weight he’s gained in the last seven years. If you reframe your goal from “fixing” your brother-in-law to “seeking to better understand and support him,” then I think there’s plenty of scope for meaningful, helpful action.

Q. Re: Stuck: I’m not sure if your answer was completely spot-on. I agree that the letter writer seems to have Evil Stepmother tendencies, but there might also be something else going on that’s alerting her that something is weird. An 18-year-old girl calling her father figure “daddy” is disturbing. It may be that the letter writer is picking up on some weird nefarious thing that’s happening and she can’t quite figure out what it is.

A: Sure, I’m of the opinion that daddy is a term that should generally stay in childhood, but this absolutely pales in comparison to the letter writer’s expectation that her boyfriend should stop considering his daughters to be his daughters. If the letter writer had said, “I love my boyfriend and want to get to know his children better, and I’m a little concerned about some of their boundaries and whether or not I can expect to build a separate life with him as they continue to grow up,” we’d have plenty to work with. But the letter writer asked how she could convince her boyfriend to abandon his children, and that supersedes everything else, to my mind.

Discuss this column with Dear Prudence on her Facebook page!

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The Best Gifts You Can Have Delivered Same-Day With Amazon Prime Now

The Best Gifts You Can Have Delivered Same-Day With Amazon Prime Now

by Maxine Builder @ Slate Articles

This article originally appeared on the Strategist.

We’re less than two days away from Christmas, and if you haven’t started shopping for holiday gifts, you really are cutting it close. This is when you start looking at Amazon Prime Now, the retailer’s same-day delivery service, to see if there are any gifts you can have dropped off on your doorstep within hours of ordering it.

There are some caveats here. Amazon Prime Now delivery is only available in American cities—and in New York City, just Manhattan and Brooklyn. Plus, not all items are available in all cities or even zip codes. (We used the zip code for the New York office—10013—to determine prices and availability of these gifts.) But if you do live or work in a place that’s eligible for the service, here are some of the best gifts you can have delivered today, including some that are hard to find elsewhere, leaving you plenty of time to wrap them up and put them under the tree before Christmas Eve.

Yes, you can get an Instant Pot delivered to your home in under 24 hours.

Instant Pot DUO80 8-Qt 7-in-1 Multi-Use Programmable Pressure Cooker
$130, Amazon

This retro video game console comes preloaded with 21 games.

Super NES Classic
$80, Amazon

Or, if you prefer a more analog holiday season, here’s a classic card game.

Uno Card Game
$5, Amazon

This Fitbit can track your steps and also notifies you when you get a text.

Fitbit Alta Fitness Tracker, Silver/Black, Small (U.S. Version)
$129, Amazon

A basic cast-iron skillet is the best gift for a home cook who’s still learning their way around a kitchen.

Lodge L8SK3 10-1/4-Inch Pre-Seasoned Skillet
$15, Amazon

Of course you can get an Amazon Echo on Amazon Prime Now and have it delivered within hours of ordering.

Echo Dot (2nd Generation) — Black
$30, Amazon

The best gift for the home cook who has everything.

Anova Culinary Sous Vide Precision Cooker Bluetooth, Immersion Circulator, 800 Watts, Black
$100, Amazon

Straight from an 8-year-old boy’s wish list.

Nerf N-Strike Elite Strongarm Blaster
$14, Amazon

This hand blender might not be as powerful as a Vitamix, but it’s just as versatile (and takes up less cabinet space).

KitchenAid KHB2351CU 3-Speed Hand Blender — Contour Silver
$53, Amazon

A cheap, but relaxing, stocking stuffer.

Whole Foods Market, Lavender Vanilla Fizzing Bath Bomb, 2.3 oz
$3, Amazon

The best gift for a gym rat or the wellness-obsessed is this pair of workout-friendly headphones.

Bose SoundSport Wireless Headphones, Black
$129, Amazon

Spend Christmas trading sheep for ore and building roads.

Catan 5th Edition
$43, Amazon

If you’re planning on gifting bottles of wine, at least get some gift bags so that it looks like you put in some effort.

Hallmark Bottle Gift Bag with Tissue Paper (Dots and Dashes)
$6, Amazon

This Zojirushi water bottle is a perennial Strategist favorite, because it keeps cold drinks cold and hot drinks hot.

Zojirushi SM-KHE48BA Stainless Steel Mug
$27, Amazon

For the vegetarian cook who’s still using their hand-me-down copy of the original Moosewood Restaurant cookbook from the 1970s.

The Moosewood Restaurant Table: 250 Brand-New Recipes From the Natural Foods Restaurant That Revolutionized Eating in America
$24, Amazon

This Bluetooth speaker is fairly compact, but it doesn’t sacrifice sound quality.

Ultimate Ears Wonderboom Super Portable Waterproof Bluetooth Speaker, Phantom Black
$75, Amazon

This mask from culty brand Mario Badescu will both clean pores and tighten skin—and makes a great stocking stuffer.

Mario Badescu Super Collagen Mask
$18, Amazon

These adorable bear mitts are a fun gift for a home cook with a sense of humor.

Fred Bear Hands Oven Mitts, Set of 2
$14, Amazon

This article is published through a partnership with New York magazine’s the Strategist and Select All. The partnership is designed to surface the most useful, expert recommendations for things to buy across the vast e-commerce landscape. We update links when possible, but note that deals can expire and all prices are subject to change. Every editorial product is independently selected by New York magazine. If you buy something through our links, Slate and New York magazine may earn an affiliate commission.

The Best Champagne Glasses on Amazon

The Best Champagne Glasses on Amazon

by Maxine Builder @ Slate Articles

This article originally appeared on the Strategist.

To find the very best products that no human being would have the time to try, look to the best-reviewed (that’s four-to-five-star ratings and lots of ’em) products and choose the most convincing. You’ll find the best crowdsourced ideas whether you’re searching for comforters, bed sheets, or even Christmas trees. Below, the best Champagne glasses—including plastic and stemless Champagne flutes—determined by the hard-nosed reviewers on Amazon. (Note that reviews have been edited for length and clarity.)

Best Pair of Crystal Champagne Flutes

4.6 stars, 207 reviews

“Extra-special in looks and would be the perfect ‘toast flutes’ for weddings, at events or [parties]. A few times a year I host events and celebrate with Champagne and loving adding these to my collection. An extra kind of fancy and I just love them. Besides the lovely shape, this set of flutes are made extremely well. Sitting all beautiful and level and being very lightweight, which I can certainly appreciate. At the same time, they are far from being fragile. Very tall and display very nicely. I would love to add a few more to my collection and definitely recommend to others.”

Bella Vino Crystal Champagne Flute Glasses
$20, Amazon

Best Pair of Insulated Stemless Champagne Flutes

4.5 stars, 255 reviews

“These Champagne glasses are a very cute and unique way to toast or simply enjoy a glass of Champagne—or even sparkling cider. The double wall gives the glass a different look than your standard glass yet allows the inside to maintain the temperature longer than a regular glass. The glass itself has a good weight to it but is not overly heavy. It does not seem thin and fragile as a standard Champagne glass. The cylindrical shape allows for an easy grasp that fits nicely in the palm of your hand. However, it has a very smooth finish, and there is nothing to keep it from sliding out of somebody’s hand—if, say, they already had one too many. I personally hold it with my pinky under the bottom for security.”

Eparé Champagne Flutes, Insulated Stemless Glass Set
$18, Amazon

Best Set of Four Crystal Champagne Flutes

4.5 stars, 377 reviews

“These are beautiful glasses that have a nice weight to them and feel special in the hand. The one thing that I did not think about when I bought them, however, was that, even though they are dishwasher-safe, they are too tall to fit in the top drawer of my dishwasher. The Champagne does bubble nicely in them … That said, I’d buy more of these, if I needed them.”

Schott Zwiesel Tritan Crystal Glass Pure Stemware Collection Champagne Flute with Effervescence Points, 7.1-Ounce, Set of 4
$56, Amazon

Best Set of Four Decorative Crystal Champagne Flutes Less Than $25

4.4 stars, 160 reviews

“I purchased a set of these crystal Champagne flutes recently, and was so happy and pleased when I received them! They look like they cost so much more than they did! They are so beautiful! These Champagne flutes make you feel a little bit special, when you use them! I would definitely purchase them for a wedding gift, or a housewarming gift!”

Godinger Dublin Crystal Champagne Flutes, Set of 4
$18, Amazon

Best Set of Four Decorative Crystal Champagne Flutes Less Than $50

4.5 stars, 142 reviews

“I purchased the wine flutes as a wedding shower gift, they were lovely, so I had to buy a set for myself. So, with the beautiful Champagne flutes and a nice bottle of Champagne I had a very lovely wedding shower gift for under $50.”

Marquis by Waterford Omega Flute, Set of 4
$41, Amazon

Best Set of Four Plastic Stemless Champagne Flutes

4.1 stars, 263 reviews

“I bought both the wine and Champagne flutes. Was worried they would look cheap and ugly—they didn’t! Friends are shocked they’re not glass. Lightweight, perfect for our boozy concert picnics in D.C., where no one wants to give up form for function. Don’t wash in dishwasher and they’ll last a long, long time I think. Just bought two sets (wine and Champagne) for two friends and I’m positive they’ll love them as much as I do.”

Govino Go Anywhere Champagne Flute, 8-Ounce, Pack of 4
$13, Amazon

Best Set of 12-Glass Stemless Champagne Flutes

4.3 stars, 308 reviews

“Amazing for entertaining. I got these for NYE and have also used them for mimosas during brunch. Much better than glasses with stems for guests. They are just more stable and less likely to go flying with the commotion of a party. I don’t want to serve nice drinks in plastic cups—stemless wine and Champagne glasses are seriously the best option for a party! I always get compliments on mine and so will you!”

Libbey Stemless Flute Glasses, 12 Piece Set
$25, Amazon

Best Set of 12 Plastic Champagne Flutes

4.7 stars, 174 reviews

“I bought these for a boating trip and they were perfect. I’m not one to give 5 stars but these flutes deserve it. It was nicely packed when it came. The glass is sturdy, looks elegant and perfect for any event. I’ve bought Champagne glasses like these before but other brands need assembly. No assembly is required for these! You can also re-use these glasses. Although these flutes are disposable, they are of such high quality! You do not want to regret not buying these glasses.”

Premium Quality Plastic 5-oz. Champagne Flute, Set of 12
$20, Amazon

Best Set of 12 Plastic Stemless Champagne Flutes

4.6 stars, 602 reviews

“Perfect for an outdoor wedding. They are sturdy so I didn’t have to worry about them tipping over from the wind or someone bumping a table. And since they were disposable, it made the after-party cleanup very easy.”

TOSSWARE 9-oz. Flute, Set of 12
$11, Amazon

Best Set of 96 Plastic Champagne Flutes

4.5 stars, 118 reviews

“I thought these were excellent value for just a ton of attractive party glasses. They look good in person. They’re sturdy, like, sturdy enough that if you wanted to you could use them again. We were able to build a little tower with them. They’re very clear, They’re colorless (I had been concerned they might have a yellow tinge) and they just held up really well. I’m really pleased with the purchase.”

Fineline Settings 2106 - 5 Ounce Flairware ClearOne Piece Champagne Flute 96 Pieces
$48, Amazon

Best Champagne Bong

4.6 stars, 358 reviews

“I absolutely LOVE to Chambong! I bought my original Chambong before the holidays and let me tell you, it really gets the party started! My first bong was back ordered twice so I was super happy to find this one on Amazon Prime. I also need to tell you guys how impressive the packaging is. Wow! That’s half the reason I bought this second bong as a gift for my Champs-lovin’ friend. She went nuts for it!”

Chambong
$35 for 2, Amazon


This article is published through a partnership with New York magazine’s the Strategist and Select All. The partnership is designed to surface the most useful, expert recommendations for things to buy across the vast e-commerce landscape. We update links when possible, but note that deals can expire and all prices are subject to change. Every editorial product is independently selected by New York magazine. If you buy something through our links, Slate and New York magazine may earn an affiliate commission.

It’s Back: 30,000 American AAdvantage Miles for Opening up a Citibank Checking Account

It’s Back: 30,000 American AAdvantage Miles for Opening up a Citibank Checking Account

by Ralph @ Citibank Bank Account Promotion – PointsCentric

I’ve seen this offer come and go with some regularity but I just got an email with the latest code for this offer which is valid through March 31, 2015. If you are a Citi AAdvantage cardmember you can earn 30,000 American Airlines AAdvantage miles for opening a Citigold account and meeting the debit card & bill […]

The Best Cookbooks to Give

The Best Cookbooks to Give

by Ashlea Halpern @ Slate Articles

This article originally appeared on the Strategist.

Finding the perfect holiday gift can be maddening (is this the color they’d want? Is it something they already have? Is it so last year?), but really, once you have a sense of a person’s taste, it’s not impossible. This season, we’ll be talking to members of various tribes to find out exactly what to get that college student, or golf-loving parent, or Star Wars fanatic in your life. Think of it as a window into their brain trust—or, at least, a very helpful starting point. For our latest installment, we asked a dozen prominent cookbook authors to tell us the cookbook they’d be most excited to get this holiday season. Below, the tomes (that cover everything from Cuban to Turkish to Thai to bread) that will appease the most discerning gourmands on your list. (For more giftable books we like, click here.)

“If someone gave me Kris Yenbamroong’s Night+Market cookbook, he or she would know me too well. I’ve been a fan of Kris’s since 2011, when I met him at a food event where he was serving small, housemade Thai sausages with whole bird’s-eye chiles and raw ginger. His boldness impressed me as much as his Thai-American-Angeleno story. He’s Thai-food royalty in Los Angeles, but that has been a plus and minus for his career. Young chefs like Kris are paving their own culinary paths while dealing with stereotypes that come from many directions. Kris succeeds because he’s generous, humble, soulful, and smart. His food is gutsy and fun, yet respectful. I’ve had so many chile-related endorphin rushes from eating at his restaurants and learning about the complex and vibrant foods of Thailand, all the while being surrounded by the sights and sounds of Los Angeles. I’ve lived in Northern California for nearly 20 years, but restaurants and chefs like him are why I still love L.A.! ” —Andrea Nguyen, author of The Pho Cookbook: Easy to Adventurous Recipes for Vietnam’s Favorite Soup and Noodles

Night+Market: Delicious Thai Food to Facilitate Drinking and Fun-Having Amongst Friends by Kris Yenbamroong
$22, Amazon

“Every time I visit my friend Andy Ricker in Portland, Oregon, we go to Kachka. The last time we ate there, we were also joined by chef David Thompson, who insisted we have a vodka competition. High jinks ensued! The Kachka style of eating is to me the perfect vibe: bold, vibrant flavors; serious attention to detail, but in a non-fussy setting; and based around the idea of sharing food and drink with friends and loved ones. I have never been to Russia, but if it’s anything like Kachka, sign me up.” —Kris Yenbamroong, chef-owner of the Night+Market restaurants in California and author of Night+Market: Delicious Thai Food to Facilitate Drinking and Fun-Having Amongst Friends

Kachka: A Return to Russian Cooking by Bonnie Frumkin Morales
$27, Amazon

“This book intrigues me for several reasons. Chef Sean Sherman’s cookbook shares recipes that are a part of our country’s native cuisine and history, one that ironically is relatively undiscovered and seldom written about. His book offers a firsthand perspective on indigenous food traditions and ingredients specific to his tribe of Oglala Lakota, located on the plains of the Midwest. I admire Sherman’s dedication to continually learning, educating others, and innovating on native cuisine before it is lost to us.” —Chitra Agrawal, chef-owner of Brooklyn Delhi and author of Vibrant India: Fresh Vegetarian Recipes From Bangalore to Brooklyn

The Sioux Chef’s Indigenous Kitchen by Sean Sherman with Beth Dooley
$23, Amazon

“While this isn’t a traditional cookbook, I definitely want a copy of The Cooking Gene: A Journey Through African American Culinary History in the Old South by Michael Twitty, under my Christmas tree. I can’t imagine a more important historical culinary book coming out this year than this. Southern food is such a crucial element of our culinary landscape in America, and understanding its rich history will better inform my recipe development and love of my culture and cooking all the way around.” —Jocelyn Delk Adams, author of Grandbaby Cakes: Modern Recipes, Vintage Charm, Soulful Memories

The Cooking Gene: A Journey Through African-American Culinary History in the Old South by Michael Twitty
$19, Amazon

“And of course, shameless plug, Feed the Resistance is the top cookbook gift I am giving this year. Contributing a recipe to this book by Julia Turshen was such an incredible experience. The forging of political activism and food is genius.” —Jocelyn Delk Adams

Feed the Resistance: Recipes + Ideas for Getting Involved by Julia Turshen
$10, Amazon

“Since I help write cookbooks and spend an enormous amount of time making sure recipes work, I probably shouldn’t admit that I rarely cook more than a recipe or two from the cookbooks I own. I do love reading recipes, though. And because I’m not cooking much, I especially love books and recipes that tell a story, especially about food linked to a place and culture. For years and years, I’ve been obsessively consuming Eating Asia, a blog (can I still call websites blogs?) by Robyn Eckhardt and her photographer husband, David Hagerman. A few years ago, she got obsessed with Turkey and spent years working on this cookbook. It’s one of those books that reminds you how much you don’t know about the world. I want!” —J.J. Goode, cookbook co-author of The Drinking Food of Thailand with Andy Ricker and State Bird Provisions: A Cookbook with Stuart Brioza and Nicole Krasinski

Istanbul and Beyond: Exploring the Diverse Cuisines of Turkey by Robyn Eckhardt
$24, Amazon

“I’m a carb enthusiast and love eating bread (no fear here!), but the act of baking it has always intimidated me. Alexandra Stafford’s book, Bread Toast Crumbs, promises to put cooks like myself at ease with approachable recipes for no-knead peasant bread and ways to work it into every meal. Yes, please! I’d like to be able to get my groove on churning out loaves and have the house smell like a boulangerie while I’m at it. I’m hopeful this book will help build my confidence in the baking department. Rise up!” —Colu Henry, author of Back Pocket Pasta: Inspired Dinners to Cook on the Fly

Bread Toast Crumbs: Recipes for No-Knead Loaves & Meals to Savor Every Slice by Alexandra Stafford
$20, Amazon

“I’ve never been to Cuba, so I’ve always been curious about what the cuisine is like when you’re actually there. I know things are changing fast, but there’s still so much mystery, which is why I’ve been wanting to get my hands on Anya von Bremzen’s new book. Getting on the ground is exciting enough, but also gaining kitchen-door access to paladares, the privately owned restaurants that must navigate both the government and a crazy black market to survive, seems like a cheat code. It’s like discovering a secret passageway inside a secret passageway.” —Drew Lazor, co-author of New German Cooking: Recipes for Classics Revisited  and author of the forthcoming Session Cocktails: Low-Alcohol Drinks for Any Occasion

Paladares: Recipes Inspired by the Private Restaurants of Cuba by Anya von Bremzen
$25, Amazon

“I’d be delighted to receive a copy of David Tanis Market Cooking. David was one of the chefs who taught me to cook at Chez Panisse. Anytime I’m stuck in a rut, the first thing I do is refer back to my teachers and their teachers for ideas and inspiration. It’s sort of like being back in the kitchen with them. David is a genius with vegetables, always adding a little unexpected twist, a little something special. It’s been a long time since I cooked with David, but reading and cooking from his books never fails to make me feel like I’m right back in the kitchen alongside him.” —Samin Nosrat, EAT columnist at The New York Times Magazine and author of Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat: Mastering the Elements of Good Cooking

David Tanis Market Cooking: Recipes and Revelations, Ingredient by Ingredient by David Tanis
$23, Amazon

“I’m really looking forward to The Palestinian Table by Reem Kassis. When it comes to cooking at home, I love to make things that fill in the gaps of our local restaurant scene, especially if it means working with recipes that let me take advantage of what Kentucky farmers do best (I think that includes the best lamb and poultry around, along with our fantastic dairy and produce). As a baker, I’m especially excited to tackle the section on regional breads and pastries.” —Stella Parks, senior editor at Serious Eats and author of BraveTart: Iconic American Desserts

The Palestinian Table by Reem Kassis
$25, Amazon

“I love cookbooks that you can truly cook from—that are both inspiring but attainable. Downtime: Deliciousness at Home by Nadine Levy Redzepi (wife of renowned Noma chef René Redzepi) is a compilation of simple foods that are elevated with a bit of style and restaurant cooking. I am intrigued and would love to curl up with this one.” —Karen Mordechai, author of Simple Fare and Sunday Suppers: Recipes + Gatherings

Downtime: Deliciousness at Home by Nadine Levy Redzepi
$23, Amazon

“It’s been a real year for cookbooks, so this was an extremely hard choice. You’re all great! That said, I find myself really poring over books written on subjects I know the least about, and to say I know nothing about the food of Georgia or Azerbaijan (or beyond) would be a huge understatement. But, from the little I can gather, the food features lots of herbs, savory pies, and meaty vegetables drizzled with a thing called matsoni (maybe a new replacement for yogurt). Very much my speed. I’m excited to dive into Kaukasis and figure out what plov is, and then maybe even learn to make it.” —Alison Roman, author of Dining In: Highly Cookable Recipes

Kaukasis: A Culinary Journey Through Georgia, Azerbaijan & Beyond by Olia Hercules
$19, Amazon

“I would love to receive Salvador Dalí’s Les Dîners de Gala. My father found an early edition of this incredible art/cookbook in a rare bookstore when I was a kid, and I have tried to steal it from him ever since (he has it on lockdown). It was just rereleased, and I covet it. It’s a Surrealist fantasy of a rolling dinner party, where the food is sculptural, abundant, and absurd. Cookbooks are always full of fantasy, but so rarely does an author own it as much as Dalí does here. Want to throw a dinner party? Just put together a seafood tower of giant lobsters and crawfish that levitate above the table! Voilà!” —Julia Sherman, author of blog turned book, Salad for President: A Cookbook Inspired by Artists

Dalí: Les Dîners de Gala by Salvador Dalí
$39, Amazon

This article is published through a partnership with New York magazine’s the Strategist and Select All. The partnership is designed to surface the most useful, expert recommendations for things to buy across the vast e-commerce landscape. We update links when possible, but note that deals can expire and all prices are subject to change. Every editorial product is independently selected by New York magazine. If you buy something through our links, Slate and New York magazine may earn an affiliate commission.

Best Savings Accounts And High Yield Rates February 2018

by Tony Phan @ MoneysMyLife

Do you need to find out which bank has the best Savings Account rates? Or, how about which has the best Money Market interest rates? Maybe you need a quick overview of the differences between the two types of interest-earning accounts to begin with. We’ll go over all of these questions and help you find the best […]

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Citibank Checking Account Promotion: 20,000 ThankYou Points

Citibank Checking Account Promotion: 20,000 ThankYou Points


My Money Blog

Update: Citibank has a new checking account promotion for new customers. You can get up 40,000 ThankYou points if you can maintain a $50,000 balance, but the more accessible option can still get yo…

Citibank Bank Review: Best for High Balances and Citi Customers

Citibank Bank Review: Best for High Balances and Citi Customers


ValuePenguin

Citibank's checking and savings accounts can make sense for those who have existing Citi credit cards, loans or investment accounts. Find out how products like Citigold and the Access Account compare with other choices.

Not an Act

Not an Act

by Mallory Ortberg @ Slate Articles

Mallory Ortberg, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com.)

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Q. Not faking it: I am currently disabled. I’ve worked my way up to being up and about for an hour to two each day. Whenever I go out, people say the oddest things to me. Today, when I parked my car, a man came up and said suspiciously, “You don’t look disabled.” I said I just had surgery and rushed away. This happens almost any time I use my handicapped tag. Friends will tell me that I don’t look sick, or that I look great, and then take it personally when I say that I can’t go out for long or go to events. One of my best friends today asked if I had just tried increasing my pain tolerance. I never know how to respond, and knowing that these interactions are coming makes me anxious about leaving my apartment. What can I say to strangers who confront me about my disability, and to friends who don’t get it?

A: This will hopefully serve as a reminder to all readers that not every disability is immediately visible, and that it’s not the job of the general public to monitor people with handicapped placards for signs that they “really” need them. You don’t owe strangers a damn thing, much less an explanation, and I’m so sorry that so many people have taken it upon themselves to demand one of you. Feel enormously free to ignore them.

Getting this sort of treatment from your friends seems so much more painful. I cannot imagine why your friend would say something as amazingly stupid as, “Have you tried just feeling less pain?” That’s worth revisiting, especially since you say this person is one of your best friends. This is not something you can simply decide to ignore, and your friend should apologize for suggesting you just “get over” something like chronic pain. I hope there are people in your life who understand that you are dealing with a new reality, and who are looking for ways to demonstrate their care and support, rather than demand when you’re going to “get better.”

Q. How do I know if I want children?: I’m in my mid-20s and have been in a relationship with an amazing guy for a little over a year. He’s kind-hearted, funny, understanding, and just all-around great.

The one area where I see any potential conflict for our future is family planning: He doesn’t want any children, and I’m not sure. Most times, I find children noisy, annoying, and a financial and time burden. When I think of myself having children, it seems exhausting and terribly annoying, something that would prevent me from going ahead in life and living fully. But occasionally—generally when I see a cute baby or a well-behaved child—I feel almost a bit of a craving to hold one of my own in my arms, and think that I’d rather like to have a couple in the next 10 years.

How do I unpack my feelings, and know what I want? I love my boyfriend and want to build a future with him, but I’m scared that five or 10 years down the line I’ll suddenly want children and it’ll destroy our relationship.

A: I wish so much that I could promise you that there will come a day, sooner or later, when you will “know what you want” without reservation or doubt, but I can’t. You can spend more time searching your own feelings, you can come to a more thorough understanding of your desires and fears, you can even make decisions based on the strength of your self-knowledge, but you may very well feel unsure (or even change your mind) about any decision you make. There is likely a lovely, happy, meaningful version of your life where you do have children. There is likely a lovely, happy, meaningful version of your life where you don’t. Ask yourself the question independently of your boyfriend’s wishes. That’s not to say that your circumstances can’t or shouldn’t ever influence your decisions, but you need to answer for yourself what your feelings are about having children, not simply what your feelings are after taking his feelings into account first.

If someday you do decide you want to have children and your boyfriend doesn’t, it will not have “destroyed” your relationship—the end of that romantic relationship will be absolutely necessary for the two of you.

Q. Mother’s insensitivity: I have bipolar disorder and OCD. I live with my elderly mother and, for the most part, we get along well. My issue is that my mother is grossly insensitive to my need for her to not touch my food. She is not good about washing her hands after various personal activities. Last week, she started picking things off of my half of a pizza with her fingers, and I asked her to not touch my food for the umpteenth time. She claimed angrily, not for the first time, that I “play out the OCD thing to an extreme” on purpose. I do not, and I’ve worked hard to keep my OCD from being a problem for others.

How can I get my mother to grasp the fact that when anyone touches my food I am unable to eat that food? I do a great deal of work for her in this house, and I don’t think that it is too much to ask that she understand and accept my needs.

A: Tell her, “I’m not ‘playing out the OCD thing.’ I have OCD, which affects my life on a regular basis regardless of how much I might wish it didn’t. I’ve asked you not to touch my food, and you refuse to stop. It’s a simple request, but if you can’t honor it, then I won’t be able to eat with you.” If your mother attempts to do anything but stop touching your food—if she tries to turn this into an argument, if she tries to convince you that it’s fine for her to do this, if she tries to insist that she “just can’t remember” that you don’t want her putting her hands on your food, then simply say, “I’ve asked you not to do this. I’m going to go now,” and eat elsewhere. Either she’ll learn to do better, or you’ll eat more meals without her; either way, you do not have to put up with this rudeness, not even from your mother.

If any readers have particular experience trying to set boundaries with parents they live with, especially while dealing with a mental health diagnosis, please feel free to share anything that’s worked for you.

Q. Is there ever a point in asking “what happened?” about a romance that never was?: In the summer I’ll be visiting the country where I went to university. One of the friends I’ll be seeing is a guy with whom I had a rather flirty but platonic relationship. We really clicked and I liked him, but never made a move because he’d implied in passing that he was gay and/or asexual (I’m a woman). We had one encounter in summer 2016 where he was more flirty (verbally and physically) than usual, which I enjoyed and reciprocated, but the next time we met, he seemed to have lost romantic interest. I felt embarrassed and stopped contacting him, though we started to interact sporadically on Twitter months later. We’ve been in touch since I moved and it’s been flirting-free. When we meet, is there any point asking him about his change of heart, or should I let it go?

A: You can ask, I suppose, but it sounds like you already know the answer—he’s gay and/or asexual, and at some point he decided to change his behavior from “flirtatious” to merely “friendly.” You don’t say he grew cold or distant, merely that your interactions lost a certain potentially romantic charge, and that you pulled back as a result. The fact that you two have been reconnecting on friendly terms over the last few months seems like a very clear sign that he likes you as a friend and doesn’t want to reignite his old flirtatious behavior. I think your best next move is to be friendly in return, accept that your respective orientations are incompatible, and look for someone else to click with romantically.

Q. Not looking for a sister-in-law: I’m in my mid-20s and so is my boyfriend of about a year and a half. His sister just moved to our city to begin to college. At first I was excited to get to know her better, but now we see her every weekend. I don’t love hanging out with someone whose life is in such a different stage of mine so frequently and I feel like I have gained a sister-in-law I was not ready for. Is there a gentle way to bring up to my boyfriend that I don’t enjoy seeing his sister every weekend?

A: Yes, of course! “I like your sister, and I’m glad you two are so close, but I don’t want to spend every weekend with her. Next weekend, I’m going to [see a movie with friends/go dancing/check out a bookstore]. Do you want to come with me?”

Q. Disgraced professor: My son is in high school and has been being tutored by a college math associate professor for the past six months. My son has made fantastic progress and has overcome years of failing math grades.

The problem is that this professor was just fired for sexual harassment at his college. It was a big enough deal to make the local paper and everyone has backed away from him. He has been ejected from his other leadership positions in town and is now seen as a pariah. (The level of harassment was Louis C.K.-level, not Weinstein.)

I want to continue the tutoring as long as possible. I am concerned about the message my son gets in this, but at the same time, this tutoring is the only thing that has ever worked for my son in math. He has taken a child who may have not graduated high school and put him on track for college. What should I do?

A: Oh, I can think of a number of things you can do. Ask yourself, what sort of message will I be sending my high school–aged son about the seriousness of sexual harassment and assault if I encourage him to continue working with this man? How do I feel about myself when I say, “This man who was fired for sexual harassment ‘only’ did things like forcibly keep someone from leaving the room while he masturbated in front of them?” Do you feel honorable? Do you feel proud to pass this sort of mindset on to your child? Do you think your son’s math grade is worth this sort of compromise, this moral haziness, this minimization, this couching? Do you truly think there is no other tutor in your area who can help your son with his studies? Have you truly exhausted all of your other options? Have you even explored a single alternative, or have you already decided what you’re going to do, and are merely looking for reassurance that you can continue with this tutoring and think of yourself as a good person?

What on earth do you mean when you say you want this tutoring to continue for “as long as possible”? Do you mean until you get what you want—your son’s acceptance to a good college, at which point you’ll feel free to end the relationship? Do you mean until other people start asking you why you’re still working with this man as if nothing has happened?

I’m afraid at this point I’ve asked you more questions than you have asked me. My best advice for you is that you try to answer them as honestly as you can, and make your decision from there.

Q. Emotional affair: My husband barely talks to me anymore. Our conversations center on our sons, the dog, and our house. Anything intimate or emotional, he clams up and changes the subject.

My husband has a twin sister with whom he has always been close. She never liked me very much and discouraged my husband from dating me while we were in college. She has warmed up since we got married and is civil when I see her, but that is it.

I am ashamed to admit it, but I went through my husband’s email after a lot of “late nights” at work. He wasn’t having an affair, but instead I found email after email of my husband discussing everything with his sister. He was worried about losing his job, thinking about moving careers, and talking about our marriage. He told her that I was more concerned about “being near a farmer’s market” than helping out financially (I am a stay-at-home mom). It was nauseous to read about all the details he told her—like he felt pressured by me to have a third kid, that I wanted to be a mom more than a wife, how our finances were going, et cetera.

I confronted my husband and I didn’t do it calmly. I know it was wrong to snoop but I felt so betrayed and exposed then. I told him I saw him pulling away from me and I thought he was having an affair, so I looked for evidence and found he was having an emotional affair with his sister. He got so angry I thought he might hit me. He screamed that I was sick in the head to accuse him of screwing his sister. That isn’t what I said!

Since then, he won’t talk to me and can barely look at me. As soon as the boys are in bed, my husband goes into the guest room and locks the door. My husband grew up without a father and always said he would never leave any of his kids; I don’t think he will ask for a divorce, but I can’t stand the thought of this being my life until our children grow up. I don’t know what to do. He wouldn’t agree to counseling because he “didn’t do anything wrong.” I feel so alone now.  Can you help me?

A: Your marriage has suffered about as thorough a breakdown of mutual trust and respect as it is possible to suffer. Go to counseling without your husband (for what it’s worth, relationship counseling is not actually about finding out who “did something wrong” and assigning blame, but about identifying problems in the relationship and finding new ways to approach them). It’s worth trying to figure out how you got to a point in your marriage that you could not speak directly about your issues but felt you had to go through his email, as well as the fact that, rather than saying, “You’ve been talking to your sister about our marital problems and I feel hurt and betrayed,” you accused your husband of having romantic feelings for his own sister.

On some level, you must have known that saying that would cross a line you could not easily return from. Was part of you hoping you could blow up your marriage, that at last you’d have something the two of you would have to talk about, if only to say that you were going to divorce over it? It’s worth figuring out the answers to these questions even if your husband doesn’t accompany you. I can’t imagine it’s likely that the two of you will be able to stay together—it may be best for everyone involved if the two of you divorce—but you deserve the chance to work through this with a good therapist. Go tomorrow.

Q. Gay: My sister came out as a lesbian this summer and I came out as bisexual this Thanksgiving to our very moderate middle-class parents. There were tears and talking and more tears, but my parents are ultimately supportive—almost too much so.

My father brings up his “gay kids” in everyday conversations to complete strangers. An old high school friend who works as a barista mentioned it to me when my dad comes in for coffee. He says how proud he is of us, but he brings it up all the time! My mom has joined PFLAG and has taken to taking pictures of pretty girls and sending them to my sister and me in an effort to set us up. My sister finds it amusing and sweet, but she lives 300 miles away. I live 30 minutes from my parents. I know how lucky I am and how my parents are only acting out of love but it is very embarrassing. How do I tell my parents I appreciate their effort but lay off it?

A: Oh, this is extremely sweet and charming and I can completely appreciate your embarrassment. Some of this I think is worth letting go, like the fact that your mother is in PFLAG (that’s a great outlet for her newfound enthusiasm, frankly), but there’s other things I think you can address. Tell your mother, “Mom, I love how supportive you’ve been, but I don’t want you to set me up with anyone, and it makes me uncomfortable when you send me pictures of pretty girls asking if I’d like to go out with them. I know you’re just looking for ways to connect with me, so please don’t feel like I’m trying to shut you down, but I just don’t want to find prospective dates this way.”

For your father, I’d suggest this: “Dad, I appreciate how supportive you’ve been since we came out, and I don’t want you to feel like you can’t talk about our relationship with anyone, but I’d appreciate it if you were a little more restrained when you bring us up around strangers or acquaintances. The other day a barista at the coffee shop you go to told me that they’d heard I came out, and I’m not comfortable having that kind of conversation with someone I barely knew in high school. Does that make sense?” Your parents sound like great people who are trying as hard as they can to love and support you; my guess is that they’ll ultimately appreciate any direction you can give them.

Q. More than a “mentee”: I recently started my first year in a new job, and was assigned a tenured employee to be my mentor during our orientation program. “Jennifer” is very sweet, tries to be helpful as I learn the ropes, and we have developed a friendly working relationship.

However, she has a habit that has been driving me crazy. Ever since the first time we met during the new employee orientation, Jennifer has refused to call me by my first name, preferring to call me “mentee” every time she interacts with me. If I see her in the building in the morning, I am always greeted by “Good morning, mentee!” or “How are you today, mentee?” At first it was sweet, but now that I’ve worked here for five months, it’s become irritating, and it has even extended to how she addresses me on social media. I know she means well, but it makes me feel like I am a child, instead of an adult who is her equal in our line of work. My co-workers have even started teasing me about it, and although it might seem petty, it really bothers me. How do I approach Jennifer and ask her to call me by my actual name without offending her or making her feel bad? I have avoided addressing it for fear of hurting her feelings.

A: “Would you please call me by my first name when we’re at work? I’m enjoying our mentoring relationship, but I’d rather be addressed by my name than as ‘mentee.’ Thank you!”

Mallory Ortberg: Thanks, everybody! See you next week.

If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.
Discuss this column with Dear Prudence on her Facebook page!

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by Spencer Howard @

By: Spencer Howard – Editor in Chief Disclosure: This post may contain references to products from our advertisers. We may receive compensation from products we link to. We appreciate your support. Last summer,…

The post Drop Offer: Rebate on Plastiq Payments (Plus An Advanced Method To Maximize The Offer) appeared first on .

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How the Places We Live Can Shape Our Queer Identities

How the Places We Live Can Shape Our Queer Identities

by Japonica Brown-Saracino @ Slate Articles

Adapted from How Places Make Us: Novel LBQ Identities in Four Small Cities by Japonica Brown-Saracino, out now from the University of Chicago Press.

When Sam—a petite, tattooed woman in her early thirties with a degree from an Ivy League university—decided to move from Boston, to Portland, Maine, for graduate school, she knew her new daily life would be significantly different than the bustle of her twenty-something world in Boston; but what she didn’t anticipate was how her very sense of self would change. On moving, she found that the cities share a number of traits: a cityscape marked by antique homes and proximity to water, and pockets of both gentrification and poverty. However, something unexpected occurred after her move. After years of thinking of herself as lesbian, as a woman who loved other women but who did not devote much thought to what kind of a lesbian she might be, she came to think about and speak of herself as “stone butch.” Not only did the way she thought about herself change, but her ties—and the basis on which she forged them—changed, too. She cofounded an online and off-line meet-up group for butch individuals, which, via bowling nights, dance parties, and conversation over coffee, celebrated the diverse forms butch identity can take—spanning the gamut from the “tea-drinking-fairy-butch” to the “preggers butch” to the “survivor butch”—and immersed herself in a network of individuals committed to polyamory.

Sam could not put her finger on the source of her personal transformation, but she was certain that it had occurred. She also noted that those around her in Portland approached identity and difference in a manner distinct from that which she had found in other small, Northeastern cities. In Portland, like Sam many celebrated very specific lesbian, bisexual, and/or queer (LBQ) identities, like stone butch, high femme, or queer punk. Sitting on the back patio of her rental in Portland’s Munjoy Hill neighborhood she said, “[In Boston] there’s like a different kind of queer . . . I couldn’t really escape being around, like, student groups and there’s always kind of like an ‘outy’ feeling . . . that feels different than, like, queer here.” In Portland, she said, “there’s more opportunity for people to feel welcome even if they have sort of a particularized identity.”

I met Sam when I was collecting the stories and charting the experiences of LBQ residents of four small, politically progressive U.S. cities: Ithaca, N.Y., San Luis Obispo, Cali., Portland, Maine, and Greenfield, Mass. Like Sam, most of the 170 individuals I interviewed and many of the others whom I observed while collecting field notes are highly educated, white, and mobile individuals, who moved to these cities sometime in the decade before I met them. Moreover, like Sam, nearly all have found that in these new places, they felt a shift both in how they relate to those around them (gay and straight alike) and in how they understood themselves and the group to which they belonged.

Taken alone, Sam’s personal transformation is not particularly surprising. Indeed, the notion that identities change on moving will surprise few. We have long associated relocation with reinvention of the self: for example, the pioneer who started anew in California in the 1850s or the immigrant who traversed an ocean to find new economic possibilities in nineteenth-century New York City.

However, at heart my findings challenge an assumption most of us share about such transformations: that transformation is either an individual process (the wanted man from Connecticut who reinvents himself as a law-abiding citizen in San Francisco or the frantic executive who takes up yoga and meditation and becomes a calmer, more “centered” person) or that it is universal (the seemingly standard process of assimilation for all nineteenth-century European immigrants).

Considering Sam’s personal transformation alongside that of many other LBQ individuals rules out individual-level explanations for her transformation, such as life stage, or personality, as well as broad scale or more universal explanations, such as far-reaching changes across American identity politics. It also challenges an even more fundamental assumption: the belief that, beyond the basic groups we belong to based on our race, class, and sex, we, as individuals, are the ones who change who we are and the group to whom we belong. Even though we know that each of us is growing and changing all the time, most of us hold onto the notion of an essential self—a core identity that is who we really are, regardless of where we live, what job we have, or where we go to school. My research troubles this assumption by revealing how places make us.

Why is this the case? As I discovered, Sam’s transformation was city specific. That is, if she had moved to a different city—even another very similar city—the way she thinks about herself as a sexual minority, and the way she relates to both other LBQ individuals and her heterosexual neighbors, would be different. Despite the fact that the four cities I studied share many traits, and that the people I spoke with and whom I observed who moved to these places are themselves quite similar, on moving without meaning to and without even fully recognizing that they are doing so, LBQ migrants craft a sense of self that corresponds with their new home. That is, their new cities call out new ways of relating to those around them and therefore new ways of thinking about their sexual identity and difference and, ultimately, a different sense of who one is. As a result, there is, in Sam’s words, a “different kind of queer” in each of the four similar cities I studied.

Consider that shortly after Sam left Boston for Portland, another woman—Lisa—left Northampton for Ithaca, N.Y. While in Northampton, Lisa thought of herself as lesbian and occasionally described herself to friends as “butch.” Once in Ithaca, Lisa found that she rarely considered herself “lesbian” or “butch,” although she suspects that throughout her adult life most have read her as a “big old dyke.” While she remains with her female partner, in Ithaca the story she tells herself about who she is has shifted. She increasingly thinks of herself as carpenter and gardener. Just as Sam wonders how she became resolutely “stone butch” and enmeshed in a world of butch-femme polyamory, Lisa wonders when “lesbian” stopped being the defining facet of her self and how she came to spend evenings beside heterosexual men in a working-class bar. In fact, Lisa wasn’t very happy with her personal transformation; she did not feel entirely at home in the person she had become in Ithaca, and yet, despite this discomfort, in her new context she found that she couldn’t be any other version of herself.

The personal transformation of these two women, taken together with the many other individuals I interviewed, affirm Sam’s notion that what it is to be lesbian, or bisexual, or queer, varies from city to city. Indeed, there is what I call a sexual identity culture that is distinct in each city; in other words, sexual identity and even our basic notions of difference are shaped by the city in which we live. Despite the fact that the LBQ residents I encountered across the cities share many demographic and cultural traits, their approaches to sexual identity politics and to ties with other LBQ individuals and heterosexual residents vary markedly by city. Specifically, by suggesting that their sexual identity cultures vary by city, I mean that the way they talk about or describe themselves varies by city, as do their coming out practices and even whether they prioritize being “out” and “proud,” the degree to which they seek to build ties with heterosexuals, and their attitudes about contemporary LGBTQI (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and intersex) politics and issues, such as marriage equality and transgender rights.

It would be impossible to overemphasize the degree to which informants’ sexual identities and ways of relating to their neighbors vary by city. In Ithaca, which is home to Cornell University and Ithaca College, most, like Lisa, think of themselves as being “post-identity politics,” downplaying the centrality of sexual identity to their self-understandings and celebrating ties predicated on shared politics, beliefs, and practices, rather than on sexual identity. In San Luis Obispo, on California’s Central Coast, most identity as “lesbian” and surround themselves with others who share that same identity. In Portland, Maine’s most populous city, many, like Sam, emphasize the import of sexual identity for their self-understandings, celebrating hyphenated sexual identities, such as “stone butch” and “queer-punk.” Finally, in Greenfield, a former-factory town located in the verdant northwestern corner of Massachusetts, longstanding residents identify as “lesbian feminists” and cultivate lesbian-only networks centered in neighboring Northampton, otherwise known as “Lesbianville, USA”. However, in contrast to the other cities where sexual identity cultures span migration waves, newcomers to Greenfield think of themselves differently. Much like those in Ithaca, new residents emphasize facets of the self other than sexual identity, like being members of the local co-op and taking classes at the YMCA.

As I spoke with people in city after city, I found myself returning to the same question: Why are they not more aware of how they are shaped by the place they live? I now realize that this question is applicable to every one of us: I think that, more often than not, we are all largely unaware of the ways place shapes identity. That lack of awareness, as we’ll see, makes sense: It is obvious to all of us that New York is different from Los Angeles—that nearly every city has some kind of distinct identity. But we tend to think of those distinctions between one place and the next as the result of categorical differences. Mapping how cities shape identities not only solves the puzzle of why those I studied describe and understand themselves in such different ways, but also advances a new, more sensitive and specific approach to place; an approach that calls all of us to seriously consider the influence of even subtle differences in city ecology on self and group.

It is surprising that LBQ residents are largely unaware of the place-specificity of their identity. Except for a few exceptions, my informants all told me that the notion of identity as place specific did not occur to them until after they moved to their current place of residence and, in the context of an interview, had the opportunity to reflect on their moves and how they have changed over time. Many describe this as an after-the-fact discovery, and no one I spoke with described it as having driven their decision to move. Indeed, many are quite surprised, and some are even disappointed, by the identity cultures they uncover in their new place of residence.

Why might this be true? Why do some have a vague sense of the place specificity of identity but do not pair this with serious inquiry into place-specific identities before relocating? After all, most of us weigh numerous factors before moving somewhere, from the price of housing to the quality of schools. Doesn’t it stand to reason that we would also inquire about something as essential as identity? Apparently, no. I see a few reasons that explain this seeming oddity.

First, despite some cognizance of the place specificity of identities, for the most part LBQ individuals, like most of us, assume that variations in identity comes from elsewhere: from demographic, regional, or other categorical differences, such as whether a city is rich or poor, big or small. Thus, if you are moving from Boulder, Colo. to Portland, it is easy to assume that the lesbian community you find there will be similar. This assumption obscures the possibility that identity will feel different even if you move to a similar city that possesses a demographically similar LBQ population. If we attribute identity variation to categorical differences, there is little reason to expect identities to take novel shape in Portland, compared with what happens in Ithaca, for instance.

Second, few propose that they adopt entirely new identities in each place. Few shift from “straight” to “lesbian”; instead, on moving and without intending to do so one might transition from thinking of oneself as “lesbian” to framing oneself as “butch-lesbian” or “post-lesbian.” That is, we rarely become entirely new people on moving, but, instead, we “do” and feel who we are—lesbian or bisexual or butch—in markedly new ways in a new city.

Together, the fact that cities typically call out new arrangements or frames for the self, rather than wholesale reinvention, and that we tend to turn to categorical explanations for place-based identity differences (turning, for instance, to whether a place is urban or rural, rich or poor), help to account for underdeveloped awareness of how places shape identities.

Regardless of their source, at its core, these accounts of the unexpected emergence of place-specific identities tell a story of personal malleability. At first glance, the concept itself is not surprising. After all, we live in a cultural moment that emphasizes self-improvement, calls for relentless actualization, and lauds the intentional crafting of the self. But the story residents inadvertently shared with me is not about self-evolution as we usually think about it. On the contrary, the LBQ residents I spoke with told me again and again of transformation that is involuntary. This is a story not of the practiced shaping of the self or of the body as performance, but about our exquisite, though often ignored, sensitivity to our environment; it is a story about the unintentional and unplanned remolding of the self in relation to one’s surroundings.

To preserve anonymity and maintain confidentiality names have been changed, and in some instances identifying characteristics are masked.

Reprinted with permission from How Places Make Us: Novel LBQ Identities in Four Small Cities by Japonica Brown-Saracino, published by the University of Chicago Press. © 2017 by the University of Chicago. All rights reserved.

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Survey Finds Many Harassers Are Under 40. We Shouldn’t Be Surprised.

Survey Finds Many Harassers Are Under 40. We Shouldn’t Be Surprised.

by Rebecca Gale @ Slate Articles

Alicia thought she was just being friendly. She’d stopped by the desk of another co-worker at the startup she worked at—an “oddball.” She’d thought to say hello and get to know him. He was a subject expert she needed to interview as part of her job.

But soon, the “oddball” started stopping by her desk often, suggesting they go to Paris together, making romantically suggestive comments, and inviting her to lunch, even though Alicia repeatedly turned down his invitations. “I figured I could ignore it,” she said. But then he started sending her sexually explicit poems, followed later by apologies over Gchat.

“He knew it was inappropriate,” said Alicia, who asked that her last name not be used for the story. She knew she should probably report him, but she didn’t. “I remember thinking, I don’t want to be the person that has to teach him a lesson.” She was new, she wanted to be liked, she worked predominantly with guys, and she wasn’t sure that sexually explicit poems rose to the level of harassment. This guy wasn’t a superior, and he wasn’t in a position of power over her or her career. He was no Matt Lauer or Harvey Weinstein. He was only a few years older than she was, somewhere in his mid-30s.

Though we simply don’t have big data on who harrasses most, a new online survey from Fairygodboss, a website offering job and company reviews directed at women, found that it’s not just the men in positions of power who harass women but oftentimes younger men who are colleagues and not bosses or supervisors.

From a pool of its members, Fairygodboss surveyed over 500 women employed in a variety of different industries and job types and found that nearly 43 percent of the women who responded have experienced harassment at work, and over 70 percent of those they describe as their perpetrators are reported to be 40 or younger. Only 7 percent of harassers were over the age of 60.

The survey also found that the women who reported being harassed were more likely to experience harassment from a colleague rather than a direct boss or management, and about 50 percent of women said they did not report the harassment when it occurred because they did not want to be perceived as a “troublemaker.”

The results were surprising, said Mary Pharris, director of business development and partnerships at Fairygodboss, both in that the harassers were colleagues, not bosses, and younger. “Perhaps it’s because of the narrative you’re seeing play out in the media, particularly among older men who occupy positions of power,” said Pharris. “It creates the perception that harassers would be older, and their direct bosses.”

These findings suggest it is not simply a generational problem that we should expect to decline as baby boomers retire. “Harassment isn’t exclusive to one age bracket or where you rank in a company. I think it just means that harassment can be more pervasive than some of us originally thought,” said Pharris.

“We know sexual harassment does happen to all generations, and it does happen a lot with colleagues as well,” said Brenda Russell, a professor of applied psychology at Pennsylvania State University at Berks who studies tolerance of harassment.

And despite the hopes of many that the #MeToo moment reflects a changing of the guard and a last gasp of the gender dynamics that were permitted in the workplaces of yesterday, there’s good reason to think our culture is producing future harassers even before they start their professional lives.

Vanessa Grigoriadis, author of Blurred Lines: Rethinking Sex, Power, and Consent on Campus, believes that the American college campus has become a breeding ground for the misogyny that runs rampant in certain workplace cultures. A lot has been said about the high rates of sexual assault on campuses, but this trend reflects a more general culture of misogyny and toxic masculinity in college life.

“We don’t know exactly what leads some men to harass or assault,” said Grigoriadis in an interview with Slate. But two of the factors, Grigoriadis said, are the feeling of entitlement and misogyny. And colleges, specifically the four-year residential colleges attended by many affluent Americans, are perpetuating this culture.

Universities, said Grigoriadis, have become nervous about litigation around drinking, and binge drinking numbers have been high, so they feel “legally covered” if students go off campus to drink in fraternity houses rather than dorm rooms. “Fraternities control the social scene in colleges,” she said, with misogynistic themed parties such as “pimps and hos,” where women are encouraged to show up in scantily clad attire for heavy drinking in an unsupervised environment.

“It’s not a surprise that kids who come out of normal American pop culture and this skewed college system that reinforces these beliefs—they get to professional life, and they don’t know where the normal boundaries are,” said Grigoriadis.

Age may also be a factor in how women react to sexual harassment. Russell points to research from the ’90s that shows younger and older women were both less tolerant of sexual harassment by men, but current research shows that it’s younger women who are more tolerant than the older women. “[The older women] have more job security, experience, and confidence. They may be in supervisory experience. It’s hard to look at age. There is so much more with regard to sexism, confidence, and maturity that plays a role that we have to statistically try and control for to get to specific generational differences. That is why there is not a lot of research on the topic,” said Russell.

Proposals to institute mandatory sexual harassment training, like the program the U.S. Congress has implemented in the wake of allegations of leniency, show that workplace cultural change is possible. Colleges are encouraging more affirmative-consent practices, replacing the no means no slogan with yes means yes, and Grigoriadis believes such affirmative-consent practices could be good in the workplace too. “We know that guys aren’t always the greatest at reading signals,” she said. And when there’s a culture of fear, women aren’t always great at speaking up.

The Fairygodboss report included suggestions for fixing the problems too, including encouraging women to speak up, instituting protections for those who do, and creating the option for anonymous reporting. Nearly half the women polled also thought the increased media attention on sexual harassers would help reduce the number of future incidents.

Grigoriadis agrees. “Things like what is happening right now are going to be what is making a difference: speaking out, bringing it into the light. This boldness has gotten a lot of guys’ attentions.” Whether men are finally understanding why harassment is wrong or they’re just newly afraid of the repercussions is a different question. “Whether they are afraid or empathetic people, I don’t know, but it’s got their attention. That is for sure.”

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The Best Foam Rollers

The Best Foam Rollers

by Lauren Schwartzberg @ Slate Articles

This article originally appeared on the Strategist.

If you do it right, and with the right equipment, foam rolling is a deep-tissue massage you can give yourself at home, every single day, by rolling around on the floor. Here’s how it works: A cylinder of firm foam pushes up against sore muscles and fascia, the thin layer of tissue that surrounds muscles, to loosen targeted areas, prevent injuries, and just make you feel good both before and after working out (and when you’re just feeling like a good stretch while watching TV). Because of all that, fitness people love them. “I geek out with foam rollers because they’re so awesome,” says Alice Toyonaga who co-founded Modo Yoga. “They help improve the health of tissues—improving oxygen and blood flow through our fascia—help relieve muscles and joint pain, and increase mobility. What else can you want?”

But perhaps the better question is, which one should I get? Overall, trainers and instructors across the board suggest that you should be looking for something lightweight, compact enough for storing, and dense enough to dig into trigger points. Below, we’ve collected a selection of the best of the best that meet all those requirements. Five experts, from SLT instructors to yogis to CrossFit lovers, actually selected the same TriggerPoint model (the one you might’ve heard about; read more below), but three others voted for the most basic dense Amazon version, and we also heard rave reviews for all the collapsible, travel-size, and vibrating options in between. So let the trainers themselves convince you of what foam roller is the muscle massager you need most.

“The Vyper by HyperIce has three levels of penetrating vibration, so it gets deeper into muscles than any other foam roller I’ve used.” Danny Musico, celebrity personal trainer

HyperIce Vyper
$179, Amazon

“Maybe it’s from my ballet background, but even as I entered the fitness world, I still go traditional when it comes to foam rollers. I like something smooth, and fairly dense. Even the basic AmazonBasics High-Density Foam roller works great. I like the longer 36-inch rollers so that you can use it not only for self myofascial release in muscles, but also stability ab exercises. I prefer the smooth rollers over textured, to evenly massage out muscles, but I’m sure it’s a personal preference.” —Julie Cobble, master instructor, Physique 57

AmazonBasics High-Density Round Foam Roller
$19, Amazon

“I use the deep-tissue foam roller after any lengthy yoga practice. I love loosening up and relaxing the muscles I worked; it feels so incredible, almost like getting a massage. It helps to relieve tension, soothe aches, and work out any knots. It’s a great addition to any recovery routine after your workout. Another great thing is that it can also be used in a variety of yoga poses, like under the knees in savasana or in place of a block in other yoga poses.”Perry Kronfeld, yoga instructor

Gaiam Restore Deep Tissue Foam Roller
$35, Amazon

“After going through a wave of trials, I’ve found that a basic high-density foam roller is it for me. It’s firm, smooth, yet provides friction so that it can adhere to your skin, which helps to smooth out fascia (the connective outer layer of tissue that encases muscles). Most people don’t realize that they’re most likely in need of rolling out their fascia rather than their muscles. This classic tool is like a ‘dough roller’ for your connective tissues. Find a sensitive spot, hold there for about 30 seconds applying continuous pressure, and gradually make your way up the muscle.” —Lauren Bustos, Liftonic

Foam Roller, LuxFit Premium High Density Foam Roller
$5, Amazon

“I like Spri foam rollers because of their texture. The rollers have a bumpy surface, which allows for more mobility in the muscle during your workout.” —David Barton, founder, TMPL Gym

SPRI Deep Tissue Muscle Massage Roller
$60, Amazon

“I roll daily, and my favorite by far is the TriggerPoint. It’s just the right density to be effective without bruising. A lot of rollers are too hard and will bruise rather than release (but if you like something on the denser side, TriggerPoint has an option for that, too). It’s the perfect size that allows you to target all major parts of the body, while being compact enough to travel with. It won’t dent or lose its shape, therefore maintaining its effectiveness for a number of years.” —Radan Sturm, Liftonic

TriggerPoint GRID Foam Roller
$37, Amazon

“I love the Morph collapsible foam roller because it’s portable and amazing to travel with.” —Gunnar Peterson, celebrity personal trainer

The Morph Collapsible Foam Roller
$150, Amazon

“I love the versatility of RolPal: You can either roll it on your body, place your body on it for active release, or use it to roll out a client. It’s made of 100 percent silicone, so it molds to your body, and the bumps feel like fingertips, giving you an extra-deep release without feeling abrasive.” —Anna Kaiser, founder, AKT

RolPal
$365, RolPal


This article is published through a partnership with New York magazine’s the Strategist and Select All. The partnership is designed to surface the most useful, expert recommendations for things to buy across the vast e-commerce landscape. We update links when possible, but note that deals can expire and all prices are subject to change. Every editorial product is independently selected by New York magazine. If you buy something through our links, Slate and New York magazine may earn an affiliate commission.

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Four Crucial Things You Should Know About New York’s New Paid Family Leave Program

Four Crucial Things You Should Know About New York’s New Paid Family Leave Program

by Jessica Mason @ Slate Articles

Working people in New York state will ring in the new year with an important new right on the job: up to eight weeks of paid family leave (increasing to 12 weeks by 2021). Here’s what workers in New York—and advocates for paid leave across the country—need to know about paid leave in the Empire State.

It’s not just for new parents

The benefits of paid leave for new parents are clear: It’s critical for children’s health, early brain development, and families’ economic stability. And new parents in New York will have equal coverage regardless of gender, including adoptive and foster parents.

But providing parental leave only to new parents ignores the range of caregiving needs working people have. In fact, about 1 in 5 people who take leave through the federal Family and Medical Leave Act each year take that time for family caregiving—a share that is likely to grow as the population ages.

New York’s program offers the most inclusive paid family leave in the country, covering not only new parents but also family caregivers and military families with needs related to active duty deployment.

In New York, workers will be eligible to take time to care for a family member with a serious health condition, such as a grandparent recovering from hip surgery or an adult child seeking treatment for opioid addiction.

Relatives of military service members can also take paid leave for reasons related to deployment, such as making child care arrangements, caring for a service member’s parent, or spending time with a service member on temporary rest and recuperation leave.

“There are nearly 2.6 million family caregivers across New York state, including many who care for older loved ones while balancing the stresses of work,” said AARP New York state director Beth Finkel. “No one should ever be forced to risk their own economic security to care for a loved one. New York’s paid family leave program will provide critical support to our state’s unpaid family caregivers.”

It doesn’t put your job at risk

Even people who have access to paid leave may avoid taking the time they need if they fear it will have negative consequences at work. After all, the last thing a new parent or someone caring for a seriously ill family member needs is to lose a job—and income. Any well-designed paid leave program should ensure that employees will not face retaliation for using the leave they have access to.

“One especially crucial element of New York’s landmark law is full job protection,” notes Molly Williamson, staff attorney for A Better Balance, a nonprofit that is helping to educate New Yorkers about the law. “Every worker covered by the law will have the right to return to work after taking paid family leave. That means that workers can take the time they need to focus on their families, safe in the knowledge that they’ll have a job to return to when they're ready."

It’s not just for white-collar workers

Because the highest-profile voices calling for—and in some cases providing their employees with—paid leave are often Silicon Valley entrepreneurs or other large employers in big cities, paid leave can seem out of reach for workers outside of certain industries or urban centers. But the need for caregiving doesn’t discriminate, whether you’re a programmer, a truck driver, or a retail worker, living in a Manhattan apartment or in an upstate industrial town.

New York’s paid family leave program covers private sector workers in all industries, including many part-time workers. And it supports self-employed people like freelance writers, small business owners, and entrepreneurs, who can opt into coverage.

It’s not just for large employers

Many small business owners would like to offer paid leave, which has clear benefits for employee morale, productivity, and retention, but may have concerns about unforeseen costs.

New York’s paid leave program provides a solution. Employers provide their employees time away from work for eligible caregiving purposes, but they won’t incur the substantial and often unpredictable cost of covering pay for employees who are out on leave. Instead, employees pay a small share of their wages (less than 0.2 percent of each paycheck, capped at less than two dollars per week) to cover the cost of premiums on the insurance policies that will cover their leave.*

By balancing the needs of employers and employees, New York’s program actually makes providing paid leave more affordable for many businesses and more accessible to working families. It’s little wonder that a majority of small business owners support establishing a national paid leave insurance program similar to New York’s.

In the nearly 25 years since our nation’s first and only federal leave policy—the Family and Medical Leave Act—was signed into law, researchers and policymakers have learned a lot about what it takes to create a fair, inclusive, and responsible paid leave program. This is clearly reflected in New York’s cutting-edge policy. Other states—not to mention members of Congress—should be taking notes.

*Correction, Jan. 2, 2018: This post originally stated that employees pay a small share of their wages into a state trust fund that covers the cost of their leave. The employee share actually pays the full cost of the premiums for the insurance policies that cover their leave.

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The Oppressor’s Bookshelf

The Oppressor’s Bookshelf

by Heather Andrea Williams @ Slate Articles

This article supplements Reconstruction, a Slate Academy. To learn more and to enroll, visit Slate.com/Reconstruction

Adapted from Self-Taught: African American Education in Slavery and Freedom by Heather Andrea Williams. Published by the University of North Carolina Press.

Books were of course essential to teaching, but they were also scarce commodities within freed communities. In response to the Freedmen’s Bureau question, “What books do you use?” one Georgia teacher replied, “Any I can get.”1

His response underscored the overwhelming poverty of freedpeople and the challenge involved in establishing effective schools. In many freedpeople classrooms, student progress was hindered by a lack of books and other classroom necessities. Reverend Joseph Warren, the Freedmen’s Bureau Superintendent of Education for Mississippi, echoed teachers’ concerns in an 1866 report: “Not more than two of the school-houses have been properly fitted up with writing-desks, even of the most primitive kind. Some others have very little accommodation for writing; most of them none at all. This is owing to the poverty of the people, and to the large demands upon the funds of the benevolent societies.” Warren concluded, “unless better apparatus can be provided in our schools, justice cannot be done to the pupils.”2

Some teachers were fortunate enough to receive donations of one or two types of books from northern organizations, but the tool that African Americans used most frequently to decode written English was Noah Webster’s Elementary Spelling Book, popularly called “the blue-back speller.” This book, which insisted on an American pronunciation distinct from the English, was Webster’s contribution to the American Revolution. Having “thrown off the shackles” of English rule, Americans, Webster believed, should also renounce the language. Instead of “honour,” Americans would spell “honor”; instead of “publick,” “public.” By 1818, Webster’s book had sold 5 million copies.3 It was this little book that Frederick Douglass and countless other enslaved people used in their first steps toward literacy.4 And when slavery ended, adults and children, many of whom could not attend school, got hold of the blue-back speller and slowly taught themselves to read. The speller accrued emotional significance as the guide that helped individuals to decipher written language. At 87 years of age, John Walton expressed his sentimental attachment when he told an interviewer, “I learned to read and write a little just since freedom Us used Websters old blue back speller and I has one in de house to dis day and I wouldn’t take nothing for it.”5

At the same time, books with competing ideologies floated around the South: those that supporters of the Confederacy designed to inculcate values such as the morality of slavery and the inferiority of African Americans and those that white abolitionists produced to advise black people how to carry out their new roles as free people. African American teachers’ scramble to obtain even the most elementary spelling books to teach the most rudimentary lessons took place within a broader contest for control over what stories textbooks would tell and who would tell them. Both northern and southern white politicians and educators realized that even simple statements inserted into elementary spelling lessons could influence a new generation of readers and thinkers.6

In the late 1850s, as regional tensions heightened, southern white politicians and educators moved to take control of what their children learned in school. Long dependent on northern teachers and texts, they began a campaign to remove both from the schools of the coming Confederacy. White southerners began publishing books that would introduce into the classroom values that they held dear, interposing lessons deemed appropriate for a slave society into elementary reading and spelling books. In addition to the values of politeness, honesty, and hard work that northern spelling books included, the elementary texts set out to convince young, white, southern readers that black slaves were better off than poor whites, that slavery was a biblically approved institution, and that northerners, including the despot Abraham Lincoln, sought to deprive white southerners of their God-given rights.6

Marinda Branson Moore, one of the more prolific authors of Confederate textbooks, was intent on conveying to her young readers that preserving the status quo would be the best option for black people. In a book that began its lessons with the spellings of monosyllabic words such as cat and bat, Moore introduced reading lessons like this one to support her philosophy that freedom was worse than slavery:

1. Here comes old aunt Ann. She is quite old. See how she leans on her stick.
2. When she was young she did good work, but now she can not work much. But she is not like a poor white woman.
3. Aunt Ann knows that her young Miss, as she calls her, will take care as long as she lives.
4. Many poor white folks would be glad to live in her house and eat what Miss Kate sends out for dinner. 7

Moore also spiced her elementary geographical reader with judgments of black inferiority.8 Moore denoted clear distinctions among the “Races of men.” Europeans and Americans, mostly white or Caucasian, were more civilized and ranked far above the rest. They had churches, schools, and systems of government, and they treated women with respect. For Moore, the African or Negro race from Africa had no redeeming qualities. They were slothful, vicious, dull, and cruel to each other, selling their prisoners to white people as slaves. In Africa, they knew nothing of Jesus, and the climate was so unhealthy that white men could not go there to convert them. As a result, “the slaves who are found in America are in much better condition.” This is what the white children in the new schools of the southern Confederacy learned—lessons well-designed to perpetuate slavery and white supremacy.

With freedpeople’s schools opening just as these books reached the market, one can well imagine them falling into the hands of eager new black readers, transmitting the very lessons that the existence of freedpeople’s schools meant to counteract. However, not one African American teacher in post-emancipation Georgia reported using a recognized Confederate textbook. Even though they were desperate for books, black teachers, too, may have made political choices about what they would use in the classroom.

Following emancipation, abolitionists undertook a corresponding enterprise to produce textbooks for the freedpeople. Several northern whites produced books aimed at inculcating “northern values” into freed African Americans. In 1865 and 1866, the American Tract Society, a Boston-based Congregational Church affiliate, published The Freedman’s Spelling Book. The book aimed to explain rules very simply and to introduce words that related to “important practical subjects; as occupations, domestic life, civil institutions, morals, education, and natural science.” While teaching spelling and reading were of utmost priority, the publishers also wanted to impart practical information that would be of use to the freedpeople “in the new condition into which Providence has raised them.”

Aside from its name, at first glance, the Freedman’s Spelling Book did not appear to be so different from other contemporary northern spelling books. It presented lessons of etiquette and morality among the vocabulary words. Occasionally it was explicit, as in lesson 173, where it urged freedpeople to be economical: “A freedman should be provident; that is, he should provide for the future, and not be negligent.” Other messages tended to be more subtle and could be read to have mass appeal. However, when read simultaneously with another publication by the American Tract Society, Isaac W. Brinckerhoff ’s Advice to Freedmen, published in 1864 or 1865, it is easy to see how teachers with similar sensibilities and beliefs would have amplified the spelling books’ lessons in the classroom.9

Brinckerhoff, a white Baptist minister from Ithaca, New York, served as a plantation superintendent and teacher in the South Carolina Sea Islands from 1862–63. In his book, he addressed freedpeople directly, always with the condescending tone of a wise elder, introducing himself to them “as a friend who is doing all that he can to promote your welfare and the welfare of your people.” Brinckerhoff assured those who would read the book as well as those who would hear it read by literate friends that he saw human qualities in them. “Though you have for generations been a dependent and enslaved race, yet with many visible marks of degradation still upon you,” he told them, “there is evidence of a God-given manhood within, which only needs to be properly developed and rightly cultivated to make you happy, prosperous, and useful.”10

Both the Freedman’s Spelling Book and Brinckerhoff ’s Advice to Freedmen sought to instill African Americans with a sense of obligation and loyalty to northern white men. The spelling book paired an illustration of a white soldier being greeted by a small white girl with a story of five sentences. The man had just returned home from the war. He was glad to see his little daughter. “Let us be joyful that the war is at an end,” the story continued. “It was sad to see men die in battle, but it was to make us free. We will not forget all that God did for us.” This insistence to African Americans that white men had died to make them free neglected any mention that black men had also fought for their freedom. Brinckerhoff joined in this omission when he wrote, under the heading “How You Became Free”: “Many thousand households at the north are clothed in mourning, and many tears are shed for the dead who have been slain. With treasure and precious blood your freedom has been purchased. Let these sufferings and sacrifices never be forgotten when you remember that you are not now a slave, but a freedman.”11

In her lessons to white southern children, Marinda Moore reinforced a pro-slavery ideology that insisted African Americans were contented slaves who, even after being lured away by northern whites, returned to serve their former masters as loyal servants. Brinckerhoff, the white northerner, also represented himself as paternalistic caretaker, handing out advice to a benighted people. As Moore did, he too made claims on African American loyalty. While Moore’s textbooks influenced white boys and girls to believe that blacks belonged in slavery, Brinckerhoff’s book surely made it into freedpeople’s classrooms and into the spaces where freedpeople gathered to listen to the readers in their communities.

As African Americans announced to the world that they wanted to be literate, they found an odd collection of books in the libraries of their oppressors. Noah Webster created a book that renounced British conventions. Secessionist southerners declared their separateness from the rest of the nation with separate texts to indoctrinate their children. And white abolitionists celebrated the end of slavery while attempting to instill a sense of obligation in African Americans. Each of these actions signaled radical changes and underscored the political work that textbooks do. In the aftermath of slavery, African Americans were in no position to create their own textbooks to promote a worldview.

From Self-Taught: African American Education in Slavery and Freedom by Heather Andrea Williams. Copyright © 2005 by the University of North Carolina Press. Used by permission of the publisher.

1. School report of Tunis Campbell, Jan. 1, 1866, M799, roll 20, FBR.

2. Statement of Joseph Warren quoted in John W. Alvord, Second Semi-Annual Report on Schools and Finances, July 1, 1866 (Washington, D.C.: Government Printing Office, 1868), 7, reprinted in John W. Alvord, Semi-Annual Reports on Schools for Freedmen: Numbers 1–10, January 1866–July 1870 (New York: AMS Press, 1980).

3. Harry R. Warfel, Noah Webster: Schoolmaster to America (New York: Macmillan, 1936), 76; Paul Leicester Ford, “Webster’s Spelling-Book: Early American Text-Books Noah Webster’s Great Enterprise,” reprinted from the New York Evening Post, n.d., Beinecke Rare Book and Manuscript Library, Yale University, New Haven, Conn.

4. Frederick Douglass, The Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, an American Slave, ed. David W. Blight (New York: Bedford Books, 1993), 63.

5. George P. Rawick, ed., The American Slave: A Composite Autobiography, 19 vols. (Westport, Conn.: Greenwood Press, 1972), vol. 5, pt. 4, p. 149.

6. Proceedings of the Convention of Teachers of the Confederate States, Assembled at Columbia, South Carolina, April 28th, 1863 (Macon, Ga.: Burke, Boykin, and Company), 18, in Confederate Imprints, 143 reels (microfilm; New Haven, Conn.: Research Publications, 1972), reel 113, no. 4009.

7. Marinda Branson Moore, The First Dixie Reader: Designed to Follow the Dixie Primer (Raleigh, N.C.: Branson, Farrar, and Company, 1863), 14.

8. Marinda Branson Moore, The Geographical Reader, for the Dixie Children (Raleigh: Branson, Farrar, and Company, 1863), 9–10.

9. American Tract Society, Freedman’s Spelling Book, 79; Isaac W. Brinckerhoff, Advice to Freedmen, vol. 4 of Freedmen’s Schools and Textbooks, ed. Morris.

10. Brinckerhoff, Advice to Freedmen, 16.

11. American Tract Society, Freedman’s Spelling Book, 22; Brinckerhoff, Advice to Freedmen, 6–7.

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Exclusive Q&A: DansDeals Forum Member AJ Edelman Is Going To The Olympics!

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Fear in the Family

Fear in the Family

by Mallory Ortberg @ Slate Articles

Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week by signing up in the box below. Please send your questions for publication to prudence@slate.com. (Questions may be edited.)

Got a burning question for Prudie? She’ll be online here on Slate to chat with readers Wednesday at noon. Submit your questions and comments here before or during the live discussion.

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I am a stay-at-home mom with a 2-year-old toddler. My husband has a 13-year-old son with his ex. We have a restraining order against her after she threatened me while I was pregnant. Right now, my stepson lives with us full time and only has supervised visits with his mother. He used to be a sweet, shy kid, but now I am afraid of him. My stepson has anger issues and is 6 inches taller than me. He has cursed at me, broken plates, and left holes in walls. I don’t trust him near my daughter. My husband is trying, but he can’t be home until 7 most nights. I leave the house with my daughter until he gets home. I don’t want to be alone in the house with my stepson. We are paying out of pocket for weekly therapy, and it is not working. I am tired. I am afraid. I am out of options. My husband is a good man and a good father, but I feel he is failing us in favor of my stepson. I want to feel the love I had for the little boy at my wedding, but all I feel is fear that the next glass he throws will be at my daughter’s head instead of the wall. I don’t know what to do.
—Frightened Stepmom

If you’re at the point where you have to leave your own home with your daughter every day until your husband gets off work, you’re right that what you and your husband have tried thus far isn’t working, and something needs to change immediately. I have sympathy for your stepson, who is still a child in need of counseling and support. Your husband must find a therapeutic intervention that provides him with the help he needs to communicate nonviolently. If your stepson is seeing a regular talk therapist, and it’s not helping, your husband should consider finding someone who specializes in anger management, behavioral intervention, and preventing violence. But in the meantime, your priority needs to be your daughter’s safety. If you have to remove her from her home for hours every weekday, then you need to find somewhere else to live immediately. Your current situation is destabilizing and dangerous for her.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I have more than once had sex, or gone further than I was really comfortable going with men, for the sake of preserving their feelings, or because I felt I had already taken things too far to back out. Almost all of my female friends have a similar story. How do I convince myself that I don’t need to have sex with someone to protect their feelings? And how do I find the words to politely end a sexual encounter after I become uncomfortable?
—Opting Out

Unlearning the message that you are responsible, as a woman, for making a man feel always comfortable is the work of a lifetime! The language itself is fairly simple and straightforward. There are dozens of ways to politely stop a sexual encounter: “Thanks for a nice evening, but I’m not feeling a connection, so I’m going to go home”; “I’m not comfortable with this anymore; let’s stop”; “I’m not coming in, good night.” The bigger problem, which you’ve already identified, is overriding the voice in your brain that says Oh my God, I couldn’t possibly say that, even if it were true. He’d be so offended, and I’d hurt his pride, and what if he tried to point out that I seemed to be having a good time earlier? I don’t want to get into an argument over this; it’d be easier just to go along for now and then leave as soon as it’s over.

Think of it this way. You sound like a sensitive and empathetic person—you would presumably not want to have sex with a man who actually felt uncomfortable and disinterested in sleeping with you, who was simply going along with you because he was anxious about hurting your feelings. If you found out that a man you were about to sleep with felt this way, you would stop immediately, because you would be wholly uninterested in having sex with a partner who was not genuinely enthusiastic. You would not want him to put on a good show, grit his teeth, and get through it. So treat yourself with the same kindness and generosity. I hope you find partners who cheerfully and graciously accept “Hey, this isn’t working for me anymore—let’s stop” as a normal thing to hear on a date. I hope you’re able to give yourself permission to stop a sexual encounter without feeling like you need to apologize or that you’re trying to break a lease before your rental agreement is up. Going on a date, flirting with someone, kissing someone, testing your chemistry—these aren’t links in a chain of events that leads to an irreversible “We have to have sex now” contract that you’re obligated to uphold against your own wishes, inclinations, and desires.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I’m recently getting back into dating after 11 years of marriage. The dating scene is very different than it used to be. I’ve been using an app to meet men because it seems like that’s what the kids are doing these days and I don’t have a lot of options to meet people in my everyday life. It just so happens that I’m really good at finding information about people, and as I get to know these men, I dig about to find out more. (My favorite is finding the DUI of a guy even though he’d never told me his name. I also discovered a guy was catfishing me.) I do it for a few reasons. First and foremost, it turns out that most men are full of it, at least those on dating apps. I want to weed out the people who aren’t worth my time. It’s also a challenge, and a delightful puzzle. Because I see it as a puzzle, I usually end up down a rabbit hole of information about these guys. I find their jobs, their homes, sometimes the homes they grew up in, Instagram accounts, Facebook accounts, Twitter feeds, and on and on.

My friends think I’m a bit stalkerish and that I should just let things develop naturally. I’d rather know ahead of time if the guy I’m chatting with is actually married with a 6-week-old. (That really happened.) What say you? Am I intruding on their privacy? I never cross any legal lines to find these things out. It’s all right there on the internet for anyone who’s willing to look. But I usually end up with a hell of a lot more knowledge than they’d probably be willing to share with me.
—Harmless Stalking Is Fun

You don’t need my permission to spend your spare time obsessively researching a bunch of men you already dislike until you find something that confirms your initial mistrust, if that’s what you really want to do. It sounds like a deeply unpleasant use of leisure time to me, but not everyone enjoys the same hobbies. The question isn’t whether you’re doing something right or wrong, exactly; you’re technically right inasmuch as all of this information is freely available. But this goes well beyond a quick social media search before a first date. The important question is: What are you getting out of this? You say that it’s like solving a puzzle, which is fine, but you don’t seem to be going on many dates, you’re not seeking out men you like and trying to get to know them better, and you’re not letting anybody get to know you. You’re staying at home, prowling into the corners of strangers’ personal histories, and then feeling satisfied when you find a reason not to trust them.

If this is fun for you, then by all means, keep doing it; you’re not actively hurting anyone and the primary person whose time you’re wasting is you. But if your friends seem concerned, and if you sometimes catch yourself wondering, “Why can’t I stop doing this?” then it might be worth asking yourself what you’re getting out of this behavior, and what it stems from—whether that’s a fear of dating, a belief that every man who expresses romantic interest is actually out to get you, or a burgeoning interest in a criminal justice career.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I just married my husband this summer after five years together. I had noticed that his relationship with his mother was not healthy. She consistently makes poor decisions, then expects both of her sons to swoop in and fix things. Two days after our wedding, she had a full-on breakdown. She threatened suicide if we left the city (we live across the country from her). We took her to the hospital, and she was put on suicide watch for three days. Since then, she’s gone to therapy but doesn’t seem to be changing her behavior or really giving the process a shot. She badgers my husband and his brother every day and is unable to make any significant decision without spending hours on the phone with one of them first.

She now has to move out of her current housing but refuses to live anywhere that is “below her,” and she changes her mind about where she wants to live more than once a day. She texts or calls her sons incessantly. My husband is at his wit’s end. But he refuses to seek out counseling for himself because he “doesn’t have the time right now.” I have offered to research options, and he says I should focus my energy on helping him with his mother instead. I am exhausted, and I can’t stand watching him let her walk all over him. I don’t know how to move forward, or how to get him to set real boundaries. He has tried, but she eventually wears him down, and he is so afraid she will end up homeless or dead if he doesn’t help her, he won’t listen to reason. Our first year of marriage has turned into a nightmare, and I just don’t know how much longer we can take this. Should I intervene with his mother? Are there resources for how to help family members stuck in these situations? She is more than just depressed—I think she has some kind of social disorder—but I can’t get my husband to accept the facts.
—Distressed Daughter-in-Law

Oh, my friend. It’s painful that your husband “doesn’t have the time” to see a therapist because he’s currently spending all of his spare time talking his mother down through one crisis after another—he has plenty of time, it’s just a matter of how he chooses to spend it. You married him knowing that he had no healthy boundaries with his mother, and you’re starting to see how that’s going to cause problems for you if you stay married to him. You can’t control your mother-in-law, and you can’t control your husband; what you can do is look after yourself right now. If she won’t take therapy seriously, and your husband refuses to go, then you can still make an appointment and start seeing someone right away.

Without going into detail about potential mental health diagnoses for your mother-in-law, I’m fairly certain that the help she needs isn’t for her sons to be on the phone with her nine or 10 times a day. Whether or not you’re able to persuade your husband to try something different with her, you can at least decide for yourself that you’re not going to dedicate multiple hours of each day to managing your husband’s relationship with her. A therapist will be able to help you find ways to set and maintain limits with him—and determine whether it’s possible for your marriage to be anything other than a nightmare.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I’ve recently become engaged. I’ve been a vegetarian for ethical reasons for more than 20 years, and my fiancé, while not a vegetarian himself, often eats vegetarian food with me. I’d like our wedding dinner to be meat-free, but my fiancé is very against this. He thinks most people will expect meat (his family is full of “meat-and-potatoes” types) and won’t enjoy the meal otherwise. I don’t want to serve meat at my wedding. I feel very strongly about this, but my fiancé thinks I’m forcing my beliefs on everyone and “taking away their choice.” It’s not like I want to pass out pamphlets or tell people what to eat at other meals—I’d just like to serve a meal that’s incidentally vegetarian and delicious. I’m not sure if it matters, but his parents are not helping pay for the wedding, it is mostly us and my parents. How do we resolve this?
—Animal Lover

I hope your fiancé isn’t normally this petulant, because asking your wedding guests to eat a single meal of lasagna (or pizza, or burritos, or any number of perfectly ordinary vegetarian dishes) is an awfully far cry from “taking away their choice” to eat as much meat as they like on any given day. You’ve been a vegetarian for more than 20 years; this long-standing conviction of yours should come as no surprise to him. It’s odd that on other occasions he’s eaten vegetarian meals with you without complaint or concern, but the idea of doing so on his wedding day feels like some sort of abnegation of his freedom. He (and any of your guests who wish it) can have bacon at breakfast, ham at lunch, and a vegetarian dinner in the evening without any harm to their constitution or serious restriction of their dietary choices. Yours is a very reasonable request, and your fiancé should let it go. There will be plenty of meat-filled meals in both his and your guests’ futures.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My partner and I have been together for about two years now. In many ways, he’s everything I’ve ever wanted. He’s respectful, kind, artistic, and has a great sense of humor. About six months ago, we moved in together, and I’ve realized he’s lazy and irresponsible when it comes to household management. For the first few months, I did 90 percent of the housework. He had recently experienced an unexpected family loss, so I chalked it up to grief. However, things didn’t improve. I ended up making a chore chart to divvy up responsibilities, but I still find myself reminding him three or four times to do a task. And this isn’t minor stuff either. He sleeps in until 4 p.m. on the weekends (not due to staying up late), and often is late to work from oversleeping or misses work entirely. I worry that his forgiving employer will one day fire him on the spot, so I’m constantly urging him to get up and go to work. He is irresponsible with finances, purchasing parts and equipment for projects he never starts.

I’m tired of being his mother. In terms of chores, I either have to nag him incessantly or give in and do things myself. I don’t want to nag and intervene, but I feel compelled to since I care about him and want him to do well in life. I’ve tried talking with him about these things, and he genuinely seems to want to do better but says that disorganization and prioritization have always been issues for him. He says that his “brain doesn’t work” like mine does. If this is the case, I want to be sympathetic, but I still think he should seek help. His employer offers free therapy, and I’ve encouraged him to take advantage of that, since his problems are affecting his ability to achieve his own goals and not just my desire for a clean house. I really want things to work between us, since he’s so wonderful in other ways, but I’m tired of my efforts being unreciprocated. I don’t want to break up with the man I’m in love with over dirty dishes and an upswept floor.

My mom says that I should just deal with the chores myself, since I am the one with higher living standards. My friends say that I shouldn’t worry about his life being in disarray, since it’s his life to live and his mistakes to make. Are my concerns valid? Is this enough of a reason to break up with someone? I feel guilty since I advocated for the move, and I think our relationship would still be just fine if we hadn’t started living together. Furthermore, a breakup at this point would leave one of us without housing. Should I wait until the lease is almost up? Although I’ve brought up my frustrations numerous times, I don’t think he realizes how deeply this matters to me, and I think a breakup would catch him seriously off guard. I don’t want us to end up that way, but I’m running out of strategies and patience.
—Don’t Want to Be a Nag

It’s possible that your boyfriend is depressed—sleeping all hours of the day and having a hard time getting motivated even in the face of potentially serious consequences are certainly signs that he should speak to a doctor about depression. There are a number of other possible conditions that might cause your boyfriend to feel his “brain doesn’t work” like someone else’s, from ADHD to executive function disorder. I don’t mean to claim there’s definitely a diagnosis that “explains” your boyfriend’s behavior, merely that it’s worth speaking to a medical professional about in case there’s support or treatment he currently needs but isn’t receiving. Regardless of whether or not he has a diagnosis, however, you can still make decisions about whether or not you want to live with him. That doesn’t necessarily mean you have to break up, either—it may be that living together just isn’t possible, but that you still want to continue your relationship and figure out an arrangement that works better.

I do not endorse your mother’s advice to just do everything for him and ignore your own feelings. That’s a recipe for resentment and eventual estrangement. Since you’re worried this is going to come as a surprise to him, I think you should revisit the topic: “We’ve talked about chore management in a number of little ways, but I want to make it clear that living together is not working for me. I’m doing 90 percent of the housework, and I either have to remind you to do your share multiple times before you get to it, or just do it for you. That’s exhausting and frustrating and it’s not how I want to spend my time. When our lease is up, I’m going to look for somewhere else to live.” If he wants to talk about making changes, that’s great, but I don’t think you should frame the discussion as an ultimatum, because he’s likely to make promises he can’t keep if he thinks it’ll get you to stay. You’re making the choice that’s right for you, and you can encourage him to seek professional help for the difficulty he has functioning on a daily basis. Whether or not he chooses to seek that help is up to him. Your relationship may be able to continue, depending on how you two can set your expectations for one another, but you don’t have to keep living with him (or like this) when it’s causing you so much distress.

Discuss this column with Dear Prudence on her Facebook page!

More Dear Prudence

Not an Act: Prudie advises a letter writer who constantly gets questioned about her disability.

Indelibly Om: Prudie counsels a letter writer who regrets getting a tattoo she now regards as culturally insensitive.

Different Strokes: I don’t like the guest my friend has chosen to bring to my party. (She’s poor.)

Toy Story: Prudie advises a letter writer who is considering legal action after her mother gave away a prized doll collection.

Relationship Unmoored: Prudie counsels a letter writer who is bothered by her boyfriend’s refusal to condemn Senate candidate Roy Moore.

Friendly Ghost: Why is my pal blowing me off?

That Magic Feeling: Prudie counsels a letter writer on whether you can feel when you’re with the right person.

Baby’s First Sermon: Prudie advises a couple who wants a grandmother to stop trying to convert their infant son into her faith.

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Going Part Time May Not Be the Fix Working Mothers Need

Going Part Time May Not Be the Fix Working Mothers Need

by Olga Mecking @ Slate Articles

Americans work more than workers in any other nation in the industrialized world. And American mothers spend more time with their children than ever before. As a result, many are stressed out, exhausted, and at the end of their tether.

It is with envy and admiration that American mothers often look over the Atlantic toward Europe, especially toward welfare-state Scandinavian countries and the Netherlands.* The Dutch have one of the shortest average working weeks in the world (36 hours), and approximately 75 percent of Dutch women work even less than that average. Many of them go part time, especially after they have children. They have the freedom to choose to work fewer hours, which gives them more time to spend with their families or on leisure activities.

On the surface, the Dutch may have it all figured out: 16 weeks of maternity leave, an elaborate network of day cares, and a culture that allows them to be imperfect mothers, thanks to a mentality that encourages moderation in all things. Working part time, something that is seen as a cure for all problems in the U.S., is actually the norm in the Netherlands. But look closer and you will see that the work-life balance paradise is not without its own gender-equality shortcomings.

“In the Netherlands, the division of labor is influenced by the so-called 1.5 breadwinner or provider model. Men tend to work full time and women part time,” explained Esther de Jong, senior policy officer at Atria, an institute committed to gender equality. This is powered by two assumptions the Dutch have about men, women, children, and families. In the Netherlands, 40 percent of men and 30 percent of women believe that mothers are more suitable for raising young children, and 60–70 percent of both men and women believe it is bad for children under 2 to attend day care. “The pressure for women to combine both care and work activities often makes them opt for part-time employment,” said de Jong.

While it is illegal to discriminate against part-time workers in the Netherlands, people who worked less than full time were still extremely vulnerable to downturns, unexpected financial costs, or job loss. These jobs also have less prestige and recognition. Worst of all, the rise of part-time jobs could actively contribute to the rising inequality because women are overrepresented in nonstandard work arrangements in jobs that offer lower hourly wages, for example. Workers who had part-time contracts also felt the flexibility they desired cost them potential career advancement opportunities and better pay.

A recent study showed that women in the Netherlands first started working part time in their 20s, right out of college, often before having children was even an issue. As a result, women were less qualified for top positions later on, even after having children who were grown. Sectors that traditionally employed them, like health care or child care, didn’t always have full-time positions available. Moreover, women were more likely to have flexible contracts than men and were, therefore, easier to be let go. In November 2017, the Dutch newspaper Volkskrant reported that the number of people affected by work-related burnout has risen in recent years and can be explained with the rise of part-time jobs, which offer much less financial security than full-time contracts and are therefore more stressful. Employees with stable positions were also able to take more sick days without worrying about the consequences and could avoid burnout by resting more.

According to the Dutch statistic office CBS, women who had flexible contracts were less likely to be mothers. And, according to the most recent survey by the World Economic Forum Global Gender Gap Report, the Netherlands has dropped 16 places when it comes to gender equality due to the low political participation of women and their low economic independence. That has to do with the large share of women in part-time work: Only 59 percent of Dutch women are economically independent.

Moreover, even as Dutch men work less than their counterparts in other countries, women still do the majority of house- and child-related tasks. According to recent studies, mothers spend 2½ times less time on paid labor than fathers. This is especially visible in the discussions about paternity leave. Women get 16 weeks of paid parental leave in the Netherlands. Dutch men? Two days. While this is better than the zero days American dads get, in nearby Sweden, fathers have 90 days.

Of course, there are benefits to part-time work. Part-timers in the Netherlands are free to divide their time between work, child care, and leisure as they see fit. And even though many Dutch women work part time, their participation in the labor market is still high: 74.2 percent of women are employed compared with 84.6 percent of men. Moreover, the Netherlands scores consistently high in terms of gender equality, especially when it comes to the education of women. But one can’t overstate the importance of financial independence for women, and that comes not just from working but working in positions of power. “There is a link between the low share of women in leadership positions and the division of care and work between men and women,” said de Jong.

De Jong’s solution? “An equal division of parental leave is important in breaking the pattern of women working part time and men working full time. It provides fathers with the opportunity to spend more time with their newborn children and enables women to return to employment more easily.” But it’s important for the leave to not be interchangeable, where married parents can choose who should take what proportion of the leave between the two of them. In countries where that is the case, women usually take additional time off instead of the fathers taking their paid leave.

For real gender equality on the labor market, two things need to happen: policies that make it possible for women and men to combine paid work and care and a public discussion on existing stereotypes about the proper division of labor between men and women. “It is important to keep aiming for gender equality on the labor market and to break stereotypes on the division of care and work so that both women and men are free to choose what they would like to do; work, take care of children, or a combination of the two,” said de Jong. In that sense, the discussions about gender equality in the Netherlands aren’t so different from those in the U.S.

*Correction, Jan. 10, 2018: Due to an editing error, this post originally misstated that the Netherlands is in Scandinavia.

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The Price of Admission

The Price of Admission

by Aaron Mak @ Slate Articles

In November 2016, I made a nervous visit to Yale University’s office of admissions. An assistant led me past the lobby, filled with antsy high schoolers awaiting their interviews, and into a side room. She handed me a slim, three-ring binder holding a paper copy of the college application I’d submitted years ago. As I leafed through the pages, she sat on the couch behind me to make sure that I didn’t take any pictures.

I’d hoped to find an answer to a question that had been nagging at the back of my mind during my five years at college: Had hiding my Chinese American identity, to avoid the prohibitively high bar that Asian applicants allegedly face due to affirmative action, helped me get into Yale? I was a senior at that point, so my window for viewing my file while at school, through a loophole made possible by the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act, was quickly closing. I wrote up my findings for a nonfiction course but on later reflection worried I was dredging up a controversy that was already resolved—the Supreme Court had a few months earlier upheld affirmative action in Fisher v. University of Texas. So I shelved the essay, thinking that any need for me to divulge my experience had passed.

I was wrong, of course, to think the foes of affirmative action had thrown in the towel. The Justice Department announced in August that it would be investigating a university’s affirmative action policies for discrimination against Asians—according to CNN, the DOJ subsequently found Harvard “out of compliance” with federal law last month. The government inquiry has breathed new life into a suit from rejected Asian applicants against Harvard orchestrated by Edward Blum—the same man who recruited Abigail Fisher to accuse the University of Texas of discriminating against white Americans and who has made it his mission to bring an end to affirmative action. Blum is now framing race-based diversity considerations as harming a minority group rather than whites.

This new legal assault taps into allegations of anti-Asian discrimination that opponents of affirmative action have cited for decades. The contentious theory is that we Asians are too dominant in academics and test taking, so colleges have to cap the number of us they would otherwise accept in the interest of diversity. By evoking the Asian American experience, and implicitly alluding to the pernicious model-minority myth, Blum may have finally found the straw that will break the camel’s back.

If this latest attempt to dismantle affirmative action is successful, it will be in part because of a portion of Asians (particularly East Asians) who have real fears that these policies treat them unfairly. Even though a survey last year found that 52 percent of Asian Americans think policies “designed to increase the number of black and minority students on college campuses” are a “good thing,” there is a vocal faction that has been speaking out in opposition. The numbers I hear most often from friends and family are from a Princeton study by Thomas Espenshade and Alexandria Walton Radford, who found that Asians must score 450 more points on the SAT than black applicants and 140 more than white ones to be admitted to a given school. (Espenshade himself, though, has said the findings are not a “smoking gun.”)

I believe affirmative action is a necessary policy to counter systemic racism and provide students with a diverse set of peers. But after seeing Asians take center stage in the debate in the months since I’ve graduated, I can’t stop thinking about the disquieting incentives that the college application process is creating for Asian students in America, as it once did for me.

* * *

Looking over my admissions file that day last year, I was reminded of just how much I’d internalized warnings about the “Asian penalty.” Like many other high school seniors, I carefully manicured my identity to cater to the admissions committee. But that effort also involved erasing it in order to appear white, or at least less Asian. I chose to leave the optional race and ethnicity section of the form blank, a practice common among Asian applicants. I assumed “Mak” isn’t a popularly known Chinese surname in the U.S.; my dad used to jokingly point out that it’s one letter off from the Gaelic surname “Mack.” Maybe an oblivious admissions officer would mistake me for Scottish. (I didn’t tell my father how much I’d hoped our family name would be misread.) I marked my intended major as philosophy, thinking this was one of those impractical fields that most sensible Asian parents would not allow their children to pursue. I had no intention of actually following through. The response boxes under the questions inquiring what postgraduate degree and career I desired were left blank. I wanted a J.D. and planned to become a lawyer, but I felt that admitting such a goal would conform to the stereotype that Asians are particularly obsessed with a narrow range of prestigious professional careers.

In my Ivy League essays, I made sure not to mention anything about my heritage. The personal statement I submitted for the University of California applications about my immigrant grandfather was the most emotionally honest one I wrote that year—I knew the UC system had discontinued race-conscious affirmative action, so the essay wouldn’t hurt me.

But while reviewing my application reminded me of the decisions I’d made, it did not explain Yale’s. The only notes I found from the admissions officers were a series of inscrutable numerical ratings: I apparently scored a 5 out of 9 for my “personality.” I’ll never know if I was able to effectively pull off the façade or if it had even been necessary to whitewash my application in the first place. In 2015, Yale destroyed the records containing admissions officers’ comments on applicants after students discovered the FERPA loophole I was exploiting. (But it seems that most everything else is generally still stored. I received an email in 2016 from Harvard, which rejected me, noting that the court in Blum’s suit had ordered the university to provide data on all applicants from 2009–2015. The legal notice further indicated that “academic, extracurricular, demographic, and other information” from my application will be provided to the plaintiffs.)

I had hoped to find some stray markings during my visit indicating that my effort to pass had worked, but the evidence was elusive. And I was still stumped on how to feel about the broader debate. Was I a hypocrite for supporting affirmative action despite my attempts to dodge it during my own application season? Was I also Blum’s patsy for worrying that the admissions process was unfair to Asians? In the following weeks, I sought out people with firmer points of view, hoping they could convince me one way or another on the matter.

A week after the election, I took a train from New Haven, Connecticut, to New York City to meet Brian Taylor, the managing director of an elite college counseling service called Ivy Coach. Taylor’s company explicitly advises Asian applicants to work against racial stereotypes as part of a college-prep sector that presumes anti-Asian discrimination in the admissions process to be a fact. There is a contingent of college consultancy firms and advice books, including one by the Princeton Review, that discourages Asians from spending too much time on violin, math, chess, or computers. I didn’t know if Taylor had any inside knowledge about college admissions, but he wouldn’t have been successful selling this strategy if there weren’t a market for it.

“It’s a moneymaker,” Taylor said of Ivy Coach when I met him at the swanky Soho House, a private six-story club that appeared to be constructed almost entirely out of wood, velvet, green plush, and red leather. If I were still an applicant, I would have had no doubt that a member of this club could finagle an Ivy League acceptance letter for me. When I asked Taylor how much Ivy Coach’s most expensive package cost, he wouldn’t give me an exact figure but said it was more than double what had been reported on CNBC. The number CNBC estimated was $100,000.

“Asian applicants in particular have difficulty standing out. Perhaps it’s ingrained in them to do these same activities that so many other Asian applicants are doing,” he told me. “Admissions officers make rapid-fire decisions, and when they see that it’s an Asian applicant, another one that plays the violin, it inspires a yawn.” Interviews also get some Asian candidates tripped up, Taylor said, because their body language confirms stereotypes of submissiveness. To better illustrate, he leaned forward, bringing his elbows inward toward his stomach, bowed his head, and avoided eye contact. He was essentially mimicking the way I usually sit, though I wasn’t sitting that way at that moment.

I was offended at his notion that we Asians are monolithic and uniformly prepackaged, but then again, I have known a lot of Asians who like math and play the piano—often, ironically, at the behest of immigrant parents who think it will improve admission chances. It was infuriating to admit that there was some small kernel of truth to the way he had characterized us and to discover that he was exploiting that stereotype for personal gain. So had I.

But maybe he just wasn’t attuned to the differences between Asian candidates, because the American mainstream likes to assign minorities to a certain mold. There’s a systemic perception that we Asians are all alike, but what about, say, white applicants who play lacrosse? Are they all cookie-cutter too?

Taylor left me wondering if his racialized admissions strategy was secretly a blessing. The typical image of an Asian Poindexter is harmful, isn’t it? I considered whether it might be good for Asians to discover that mastering classical music or becoming a doctor are not the only prerequisites to making it in America.

Then again, what about those Asian teens who genuinely love the timbre of a violin or want to dedicate their lives to oncology? A cottage industry of college consultants who deter Asian applicants from those pursuits, or at least from acknowledging them on a form, is not the sign of a healthy admissions environment.

A couple of weeks after speaking to Taylor, I drove to the campus of Williams College in Massachusetts to meet Michael Wang, a student there, at a café near the main student center. Over the past several years, Wang has served as a vocal poster child for alleged discrimination against Asians in college admissions. He scored a perfect 36 on the ACT entrance exam, placed third in a national piano contest and first in California for a math competition, competed in national debate tournaments as a finalist, graduated second in a class of more than 1,000 students, and sang in the choir at Obama’s 2009 inauguration. Yet out of the seven Ivy League schools to which he applied, only the University of Pennsylvania accepted him, which he holds as proof of rampant racism in the admissions process. (Even though most students would be happy to get into UPenn.)

Sitting across from him in the back of the coffee shop, I was unsettled, as if I were meeting a doppelgänger. We both had wide faces, unkempt black hair, a propensity for mumbling, and a similar taste in loose-fitting jeans and earth-toned hoodies. We were both Chinese college seniors reflecting with unease on our application seasons.

How could two people so similar have such different acceptance outcomes? The only pertinent distinction I could think of was that he had openly embraced the “Asian” extracurriculars I’d pushed away out of fear of typecasting. It was as if the deciding factor in our admissions fortunes had been his honesty and my cynicism. I asked him if he thought as a high schooler that his passions would put him at a disadvantage.

“I knew I was a very stereotypical Asian American student applying for college,” he told me. “But in my essays, one difference I wanted to really say was that not many Asian Americans pursue a career in politics.” He wanted to convey in his application a desire to “break through this bamboo ceiling that says Asian Americans aren’t able to speak out.”

To Wang, this complex self-portrait didn’t mean he needed to shun math and piano, passions he pursued in high school and marked as extracurricular activities on his application. He wrote his personal essay about how his political aspirations stem from learning of the Japanese war crimes committed in WWII during a visit to his homeland, China. He checked “Asian” in the optional “race and ethnicity” section.

And now he was speaking out—doing an unstereotypically Asian thing in response to being (allegedly) stereotyped. When I asked him about this decision to bring his qualms to the public, he told me, “If we as a minority are having our rights sacrificed for the majority, or other minorities, that’s not OK. We’re not a majority. We’re still a minority.”

Later, I Skyped with Wang to press him on the negative impact that outlawing affirmative action would have on other minorities. “It’s not that we’re trying to steal their spots,” he said. “It’s that we want equal and fair treatment.” He didn’t think we should abolish affirmative action but that we should perhaps consider economic over racial diversity. He primarily wanted to highlight the injustice and encourage tweaks to the system, though he was unsure what those tweaks might be.

I wasn’t sure what to make of Wang. I worried he was helping to force a wedge between Asians and other minorities, preventing the cooperation necessary between people of color to overcome systemic racism. Yet I also sympathized with his desire to relieve future Asian applicants of the same pressures that we’d had. I’d won the admissions lottery to the school of my dreams by trying to pass myself off as someone else. He hadn’t—he had the courage to present himself honestly, to acknowledge the side of himself that fits into the “Asian” mold along with the side that resists the stereotypes. I admired him for it.

* * *

It’s been a year since I looked at my admissions file and asked the questions I had gone so long avoiding. With Asians and affirmative action back in the news, now feels like the moment for me to resolve my own ambivalence. But it’s turned out to be harder than I’d thought.

While I don’t believe we should abolish or radically change affirmative action, I’m also hesitant to accuse Asians of betraying other people of color just because they’re questioning the admissions system. As Jeannie Suk Gersen wrote in the New Yorker, perhaps it is not contradictory to support race-conscious affirmative action that bolsters black and Latino representation while still seeking changes to ensure that the deck isn’t stacked against Asian applicants in favor of white Americans, who benefit the most from soft preferences like legacy admissions and political clout. I believe in affirmative action, but I also can’t accept other aspects of the admissions process as good enough when it comes to Asian Americans. It’s hard to say just how much of a role bias plays when the process is so opaque.

There are multiple ways to interpret my college application experience, all of which hinge on whether you believe the allegations of anti-Asian discrimination in college admissions. If you believe that the discrimination does exist, then my attempts at passing were a way to sidestep a policy that treats me unfairly. If you believe it doesn’t exist, then I bought into a myth designed to slander affirmative action for the benefit of a white majority, giving rise to an anxiety-ridden climate in which Asian applicants are constantly told that they need to take steps to hide their identities.

I recently reached out to Wang again to see if his feelings had changed given the DOJ’s new crusade. In a Facebook message, he replied, “Asian Americans are being used as a pawn,” but still thinks some good can come out of these challenges if they motivate colleges to reconsider how they look at Asians in the application process. He added, “I don’t believe affirmative action would be shut down that easily.”

I’m less confident and more afraid that the baby will be discarded with the bathwater. I worry that if affirmative action weakens further or is eliminated, and our universities become handcuffed in helping those for whom the scales of society are tipped drastically against, Asians will be the reason.

I’ve wondered if my wholehearted support for affirmative action has persisted because I am no longer facing the gantlet of college applications. But if I’m honest, I’ve already been deeply affected by it in ways that have made me who I am. It wasn’t just during the application process that I contorted myself to avoid Asian stereotypes. For nearly all of high school, I’d held in my mind an image of Asian American identity and then ran as far away from it as I could.

I avoided participating in the future doctors’ association, ping-pong club, the robotics team, and the Asian culture group. I quit piano, viewing the instrument as a totem of my race’s overeager striving in America. I opted to spend much of my time writing plays and film reviews—pursuits I genuinely did find rewarding but which I also chose so I wouldn’t be pigeonholed. I enrolled in a Mandarin course during my senior year of high school, never having learned a Chinese dialect as a kid, but I dropped it a few weeks in. I told people it was because I was too busy, but in actuality I didn’t want Mandarin on my transcript and as a second language on my application, which I feared could be a red flag for the admissions committee. There would be plenty of time to take Mandarin in college after my acceptance.

I often think about what I would say if I had a chance to speak to that teenage Aaron while he was plotting a course to gain admission to an elite college. I would sympathize with his calculus—a prestigious diploma can pay lifelong dividends that might outweigh the seemingly trivial choices of what classes to take and activities to pursue. But I’d also encourage him to consider the real weight of contorting his identity to win an Ivy League acceptance letter. I would warn him that his attempts to pass as white wouldn’t be just cynically checking boxes on an application—it would involve excising most anything he deemed as superficially “Asian” or meaningfully Chinese from his high school experience. I would give my teenage self a look into his future after college, proudly informing him that I’ve just graduated with a Yale diploma and a wealth of opportunities before me. But I’d also confess that I may never be able to shake the thought nagging at the back of my mind: I’m a sellout.

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Confirmed: American Express Airline Credits for Gift Cards Are Still Working

Confirmed: American Express Airline Credits for Gift Cards Are Still Working

by Ralph @ PointsCentric

One of my first posts of 2017 recommended that anyone who generally buys airline gift cards to take advantage of the annual airline credit on the American Express Platinum ($200) or Premier Rewards Gold ($100) cards should do so now, rather than taking a chance that American Express kills this option at some point in […]

$5 per referral from Ebates

by CashBonusMoney @ Cash Bonus Money

If you do great deal of online shopping, you should consider Ebates to get some cash back bonus. This is a great offer from Ebates! If you have never used Ebates – here is an opportunity to earn cash bonus money. They are currently offering a extra bonus to current members if you refer a friend […]

TurboTax 2018 Review | Popular Online Tax Software

by Emily Guy Birken @ PT Money

TurboTax is one of the most popular tax preparation software programs out there and for very good reason. It offers a step-by-step process for preparing your taxes so you can rest assured that every I is dotted, every T is crossed, and every eligible deduction is taken. They take care of yearly tax updates, making […]

The post TurboTax 2018 Review | Popular Online Tax Software appeared first on PT Money.

Citi Checking Offers, Earn up to 60K AAdvantage Miles [Targeted] - Miles to Memories

Citi Checking Offers, Earn up to 60K AAdvantage Miles [Targeted] - Miles to Memories


Miles to Memories

Citi has some new targeted offers for new checking accounts that can earn you as much as 60,000 AAdvantage miles. The offers contain a unique code, so you must have received one in order to qualify.

FinovateEurope Sneak Peek: 3rd-eyes

by Julie Muhn (@julieschicktanz) @ Finovate

A look at the companies demoing live at FinovateEurope on the 6 through 9 of March 2018 in London. Pick up your tickets today and save your spot. 3rd-eyes offers the best goal-based advisory and wealth planning solution. It enables wealth managers to advise clients holistically and helps them achieve their financial goals. Wealth managers can reach Read more...

The post FinovateEurope Sneak Peek: 3rd-eyes appeared first on Finovate.

Experts Reveal What Makes for a Happier Holiday. Hint: It’s Not More Stuff.

Experts Reveal What Makes for a Happier Holiday. Hint: It’s Not More Stuff.

by Brigid Schulte @ Slate Articles

The holidays, it can seem, are all about time and money: Spending too much money. Never having enough time. All of which can cause so much stress and unhappiness that the American Psychological Association has actually set up an online Holiday Stress Resource Center to help us cope.

It doesn’t take a survey to know that most people want to be happy and not stressed out at the holidays. We look forward to heightened feelings of happiness, love, high spirits and connectedness. But we so often get caught up in all the extra work it takes to create all that good cheer that Christmas and the winter holidays instead can come to feel like a dreaded, gigantic to-do list. Tree? Check. Lights that work? Run to the store. Cards? Ordered, stamped, and mailed. Gifts?

I knew I was in need of a serious holiday attitude adjustment when my neighbor came over with a freshly baked plate of cookies. My first instinct, I’m ashamed to say, rather than gratitude for this selfless and delicious gift, was annoyance. I’d have to reciprocate, dang it. Like Santa, it was just one more thing to put on the list.

So I turned to a couple of happiness experts, Elizabeth Dunn, a psychology professor at the University of British Columbia, and Ashley Whillans, an assistant professor at the Harvard Business School, who specialize in studying the choices we make around time, money, and drudge work.

Here are their five top strategies that social science research suggests will help us all have a happier holiday:

1. Be in the moment: We live in an era of intense time pressure, when most people feel there simply isn’t enough time in their lives and stress is at an all-time high. That can make us feel out of control and always behind, and unhappy, especially at the holidays. So give some thought to how you really want to spend your time.

Dunn makes it a practice to think about what will make the time she spends over the holidays most enjoyable and enable her to be fully present. Not surprisingly, she said, happiness research shows that when we can be present in the moment, we enjoy it more. “If you’re doing one thing and thinking about another, that undermines your ability to reap enjoyment in whatever you’re doing,” Dunn said.

So she made some decisions that, to an economist, may seem irrational, but make perfect sense to a happiness researcher. She has a flexible schedule, so she was thinking she and her husband and son could visit her family in San Francisco in early December, when the flights are dramatically cheaper. But while that makes more economic sense, she knew she’d also be juggling and worrying about work, like writing final exams and grading papers, which would be distracting and make the time feel more stressful. “So we’ll spend a little more money going over Christmas, but that will help me get more enjoyment out of the experience.”

2. Prioritize quality time: Guided by the research that, when it comes to happiness, time matters more than money, when Whillans took her new job at Harvard, she and her husband decided to pay more in rent so she could walk to work, rather than pay less and have a big, time-sucking commute. They consciously chose to spend more money to buy themselves more time.

Whillans takes the same approach to the holidays. She and her husband have a no-gift rule. They instead try to spend time with each other over the holidays. “We give ourselves the gift of uninterrupted time. We focus on prioritizing time with each other, rather than what we’re going to give to each other.”

And as for using your time for meaningful things rather than cooking, cleaning, and all the exhausting work it can take to create holiday magic? If you can afford it, buy your way out of the drudge work you dread, they said. If you can’t, share the load, or do less of it.

Dunn and Whillans recently published research that found that people are happier when they use money to buy their way out of drudgery. In one of their studies, they gave people $40 and had one group buy stuff, and another group buy their way out of unenjoyable chores with cleaning, lawn or errand services, or take-out food. That opened up the possibility of spending time differently.

People reported feeling more in control of their time, Whillans said, and less overwhelmed by their daily lives. So taking a page from their own research, Dunn, who doesn’t love wrapping presents, prioritizes shopping at stores that do the wrapping for her, even if it costs a bit more.

3. Buy experiences, not things: Other happiness researchers have found that spending money on positive experiences, rather than stuff, makes us happier and increases our sense of well-being. And, Whillans said, both the anticipation of the experience and savoring the memory of it afterward can extend those feelings of happiness.

In their study, people who bought their way out of drudge work and had more time, tended to choose to spend it with family and friends and socialized more and enjoyed their time more. That certainly reinforces research that found people who focus on family and spirituality at the holidays are happier than those who are wrapped up in spending money and getting gifts.

4. Maximize the impact of your generosity: “We see in our research that giving promotes happiness to the extent that you can really see, understand, or envision the benefit it will have to the people you’re giving to,” Dunn said. “If I get my dad some random cuff links, I know it’s not going to change anything about his life. The same thing applies to a lot of charitable giving. We just don't get much of an emotional return on it if it’s too diffuse, or if we don’t know how would make a difference.”

So this year, after running around all day in the rain buying Christmas presents and feeling mildly irritated with the world, Dunn came home and donated to an organization that helps pay for operations to repair clubfoot. “I know, if I give this gift, a kid on the other side of the world will have a totally different life,” she said. “The more you can understand the generosity of your gift, the better you’re going to feel. It was a nice way to end the day.”

5. Less is more: Sometimes, what makes us unhappy, especially around the holidays, is simply the too muchness of it all: too much food and drink, too much to do, too much to buy, too many holiday parties at the same time. All of that can add to an intensified sense of time pressure, stress, and unhappiness. So think about doing less. “People are bad at making goals around subtraction,” Whillans said. “We fail to think about removing experiences from our lives as a path to greater happiness.”

Prioritize the kinds of experiences you really want to have. Think about what’s necessary, and drop the expectation that everything must be perfect. “Figure out what to not do,” Dunn said. Go to one fewer party or event. Say no. Focus less on consumption and more on positive experiences, or helping others, Whillans said. “Those are things we know are better for happiness.”

And maybe find time to do a little something nice for your cookie-baking neighbor, not because it’s just one more thing to cross off your to-do list, or because the research shows doing something nice for someone else really does make us happy, but because this is what a truly joyful holiday season is all about.

Friendly Ghost

Friendly Ghost

by Mallory Ortberg @ Slate Articles

Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week by signing up in the box below. Please send your questions for publication to prudence@slate.com. (Questions may be edited.)

Got a burning question for Prudie? She’ll be online here on Slate to chat with readers each Monday at noon. Submit your questions and comments here before or during the live discussion.

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

* * *

Dear Prudence,

I have a friend, or maybe I had a friend, who I saw at least once a week all summer, but who I have only seen a few times since the school year started. At first I chalked this up to being busy: I’m a teacher; she is the mother of two middle schoolers and is going through a divorce. Whenever I see her (we share a hobby) she no longer initiates conversation and offers minimal replies to my questions. She doesn’t reply to text messages about getting together or asking how she’s doing, although she does eventually respond to logistical questions. She seems to speak to other people normally and responds to our mutual friends in a way she no longer does to me. I feel singled out, and I’m not sure what’s changed between us. I finally wrote her an email saying I miss our friendship and that if I’ve done anything to offend her, I’d like to know what it was so I can make amends. She never wrote back, and I know the healthy thing to do is let it go and accept that she doesn’t want to be friends anymore. But I don’t know what letting go looks like, given that we share a small, tight-knit group of friends, and I still feel hurt and confused by her sudden change in behavior.

—Haunted After Being Ghosted

Uncertainty and ambiguity can make an already difficult situation all the more painful. Knowing a friend has ghosted you, and coming to terms with the fact that, for whatever reason, they’re not going to tell you why things have changed, can be maddening. You’re right, though, in realizing that the answer to “But I’ve got to find out why or I’ll lose it” is not, and can never be, “I’m going to keep pushing until I get a satisfying answer.” Letting it go, in this context, does not mean that you feel great every time you run into her with mutual friends, and feel total lightness and neutrality when you say, “Great to see you, gotta run” while gliding past her in a new peacoat that screams I’m Doing Great, the Loss of Our Friendship Hasn’t Bewildered Me or Crushed My Heart in Any Way. It means you keep feeling hurt and confused, probably for a long while, and it will take a certain amount of effort to keep yourself from trying to pump your mutual friends for information or sending another follow-up email. That’s to be expected. You won’t get over this in a few weeks or even a few months. You may often feel a pang, even years from now, when you think of her or run into her unexpectedly. All that “letting go” has to look like is respecting the fact that, for whatever reason, she doesn’t want to talk right now, and finding an appropriate time and place to let out your grief, confusion, and frustration on your own.

* * *

Dear Prudence,

I’m trying to recover from a bad breakup. It happened quickly and without warning. I had already purchased Christmas gifts for my then-boyfriend and some of his family members. I’m struggling to decide if I’m obligated to give these gifts to them or send them back. Giving them to him wouldn’t help with my healing process, but his family was incredibly kind to me. What should I do?

—Heartbroken

No, you are not obligated to give a present to your ex. It would not help you get over him, and he likely wouldn’t welcome it, given that he just ended your relationship. And as kind as his family may have been, I don’t think it will do you any good to put yourself in the position of giving them presents and revisiting your breakup just a few weeks after the fact. It’d be one thing if you two had been together for years and you considered his family your own, but unless your relationship was unique, the odds are that you are not going to be spending a lot more time with them now that you’re no longer dating your ex. Return the gifts, or find someone else who might enjoy them, and focus on getting through the holidays.

Dear Prudence,

I’m unsure about what to do with my current relationship. I’m 23, he’s 28, and we’ve been dating for about five months. He’s an incredibly sweet, fun-loving, and compassionate guy, so I have nothing negative to say about his character. However, there are a few reasons why I don’t see us having a real future together.

He doesn’t want kids and never has, whereas I’ve always wanted to be a mom. The last time the subject came up, he said he would “let our relationship grow until I genuinely want to have children with you,” but that for now, the thought of having kids scares him. He has a history of depression, and sometimes hypochondria. For the past few months, he’s been experiencing a lot of symptoms that he thinks could be indicative of multiple sclerosis, cancer, or other diseases, and it’s been causing him a lot of stress. I’ve tried my best to be supportive—after all, some of the symptoms could be cause for concern—but after several visits to the doctor, he has acknowledged his hypochondria and resolved to treat it. I respect him a lot for that.

I’m ashamed to say this, but I often find myself fantasizing about past lovers. I know that to a certain degree this is normal, but I feel like I’ve gone way past normal at this point. It’s probably around 80 percent of the time. He frequently tells me how much he loves me, and how much he wants to be with me. I love him too, but when he said that he wants to “spend the rest of [his] life with” me, I told him that it was too early for such a profound statement.

—Stay or Go

Break up with him. It’s wonderful that you respect his recent decision to take better care of his mental health and seek help for his hypochondria, and it’s great that you don’t have anything negative to say about his character, but neither of those are reasons to stay in a relationship with him. He doesn’t want kids, and you do. Presumably you don’t want kids with someone who says “I’m willing to force myself to want them for your sake, if you can get me to love you enough in the future”—you’d like to have kids with someone who actually wants to have kids. Moreover, you’re not enjoying the sex the two of you have together (or at the very least, you’re finding yourself fantasizing to a degree you’re not comfortable with and in a way you haven’t done in previous relationships), and you’re feeling rushed into a form of emotional intimacy and commitment that you’re not ready for. Those are fantastic reasons to break up with someone.

I don’t think you’re unsure at all. You seem pretty clear that you don’t see a future with this guy. Implicit in your letter are two fears: One, that if you break up with him as he’s dealing with a possible health crisis, that makes you a bad person; and two, that he’ll try to talk you out of breaking up with him by minimizing your incompatibility and emphasizing how much he loves you. When it comes to the first fear, I think you can absolve yourself of any guilt. What’s not working in your relationship has nothing to do with his health status, and he’s already seeing a doctor and seeking further treatment—you’re hardly leaving him to languish. When it comes to the second, I think you’re right to anticipate at least the possibility of emotional manipulation when you break up with him. Remind yourself that breaking up does not have to pass by a unanimous vote, and that it’s not a referendum on how much he loves you. It’s simply a question of, “Is this relationship working for me?” Based on your letter, the answer seems like a pretty clear no.

* * *

Dear Prudence,

I’m really struggling with the idea of telling my parents about my girlfriend. They’ve known I’m bisexual for about five years, but it wasn’t by choice, as my mother cyberstalked and subsequently outed me. They’re very homophobic and self-righteous, and after that breach of trust, I’ve taken the stance that they don’t have a right to know about my romantic life. I haven’t cut them off completely, though, and I don’t think I want to, but my good old Catholic guilt complex is making me feel like I can’t tell the rest of my extended family about my relationship, or consider proposing to her, before I tell my parents. That prospect scares me: I’m afraid they’ll yell about my selfishness or tell me I’m going to hell, that they’ll try to manipulate me with suicide threats, that their negative views will taint my relationship and make me second-guess myself, or that my mom might try to take her anger out on my sister, who still lives with them.

I’ve set deadlines for myself to tell them multiple times and have always chickened out. It’s easy to keep a secret since I live halfway across the country and we don’t talk often. But we’ve been dating more than two years and I know that this is weighing on my girlfriend. My sister is the only relative who knows about her, and I go home for the holidays by myself. The last time I went home I was so anxious that it made me physically ill. I know I need to get my butt to therapy because this is a lot, but in the short term, I’ve set my next deadline for after my sister finally moves out of my parents’ house mid-December. Prudie, how do I screw my courage together and actually tell them this time? Would it be horrible of me to just make a Facebook announcement and turn off my phone?

—Coming Out Again

I can feel the panic and pressure you’ve been dealing with for years radiating off the screen. You’ve been almost as hard on yourself as your family has been on you, and it seems like you’ve unintentionally internalized a lot of your parents’ ideas. You seem to think that coming out about your relationship on Facebook in a way that would maximize efficiency and minimize the opportunity for a homophobic backlash is “horrible”—like you’d be getting away with something, or somehow avoiding a more painful conversation that you think you should be having with them instead. I don’t think that’s the case. You do not have to engage with manipulative threats of suicide, the promise of hell, or violent homophobia, whether it comes from your parents or from anyone else. That’s not something you have to meet with grace or understanding, or patiently endure, or calmly offer counterarguments against. They’re not trying to have a conversation with you—they’re trying to abuse you back into the closet using whatever tools they can find. I’m glad to hear you’re planning on starting therapy soon, and I hope it proves helpful as you continue to find ways to set boundaries with your parents—Huge boundaries! Firm boundaries! Boundaries that can be seen from space!—and you have my full permission and approval to come out on Facebook, and subsequently delete or ignore abusive messages.

* * *

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I have been together for over a decade, and we both have children from our first marriages. He has a son who is now 14 and lives with his mother in another state. My husband’s relationship with his first wife is extremely strained, and they don’t speak. I know that a few months into the move his son contemplated suicide, and I reached out to my stepson’s mother back in August to try to bridge the gap between them. Things have been changing for the better. My husband and his ex still don’t talk, but I’m hoping that will change soon, and in the meantime I still talk to her for their son’s sake.

Now that we’re communicating with his son more via the phone, his social media profiles have been automatically “suggested” to me as a contact. Everything I have seen so far is “gay” this and “gay” that, and as I looked further I noticed that he has a few gay friends. I’m wondering if I should ask my husband’s first wife if she is aware of his social media. On one of his profile pics there is a quote which states, “I don’t want to live.” But I don’t know how to ask. I’m not even sure if she knows. I don’t know if I should leave it alone because I don’t want to offend anyone, or not be able to communicate with my husband’s son anymore. Please help!

—Reaching Out

Please don’t run the risk of outing your husband’s vulnerable young son to his parents. What you’re doing right now—offering your support from a distance, communicating regularly with your stepson’s mother, doing your best to establish a rapport between your husband and his ex—is helpful, compassionate, and the most you can do in your current situation. Your stepson can talk to his parents about being gay when and if he’s ready; having that conversation on his behalf, especially when you know he’s struggling with suicidal thoughts, would be counterproductive. The question to ask yourself is, “Have I learned anything from this accidental social media connection that could help my husband’s son?” Your husband and his ex-wife both already know their son is struggling with depression, so there’s no new information there. Outing a young, vulnerable teenager without his knowledge or consent will not help him either. Keep doing what you’re doing. You can certainly ask your husband’s ex-wife how her son is doing and encourage her to make sure he’s receiving adequate support and treatment for his depression, but beyond that, you haven’t learned anything that you have an obligation to disclose.

* * *

Dear Prudence,

My brother and his wife have been married over 10 years and have a son, 9, and a daughter, 7. Over the last five years my sister-in-law has become, in my opinion, obsessed with her looks. She’s a stay-at-home parent in name only who spends hours (and sometimes overnight trips) at the gym every day, constantly enters beauty pageants/fitness competitions, and seems to spend close to no time with her children. At best she ignores them and at worst she treats them with contempt. My brother is paying for several of her plastic surgery procedures. Even when she is at home, she listens to music with her earbuds in so it is very difficult for any of them to initiate an interaction with her. My brother works full time and takes care of the children and the household—paying bills, laundry, cooking, cleaning, yardwork, helping with homework, getting the kids to and from their activities, etc. It has become obvious to my husband and I, as well as others in our family, that the kids need attention and are suffering. I have repeatedly expressed my concerns to my brother and told him that no matter what he decides I am here for them. He is not willing to make moves toward a divorce or go to counseling. He says if he divorces her, he will have “failed.”

At Thanksgiving, I was saying goodbye to my niece and nephew while my brother was saying goodbye to relatives in the other room. My sister-in-law was sitting nearby. During this exchange, my niece told me, loudly, Auntie, I love you more than I love my mom,” then looked very pointedly at her mom and hugged me again. It was obviously a very awkward moment. I said something to the effect of, “Now, now, I’m sure you don’t mean that.” My sister-in-law feigned surprise and then just laughed. I realize a holiday dinner with a house full of people is not the appropriate time to ask my 7-year-old niece about her feelings. I still feel bad. I feel like I failed my niece by contradicting her feelings, and I also feel like I unwittingly condoned my sister-in-law’s behavior. Is there something else I could have said or done in that moment?

—Acquiescing Aunt

I’m afraid this may be another unfortunate instance where you, the letter writer, are doing as much as you possibly can in the interest of furthering the greatest possible good, and that doesn’t really fix the situation. You can’t do much more than you already have to encourage your brother to consider counseling or addressing the problems in his marriage. What you can do, in the meantime, is to continue to spend time with your niece and nephew and offer them as much love and support as you can. That doesn’t mean you’re single-handedly responsible for making up for the fact that their mother treats them with indifference and contempt, while their father is so overwhelmed by working full time and keeping the household running that he can’t attend to their emotional needs. But these kids need all the love and attention they can get right now, and they’re already close to you, which puts you in a position where you can at least be helpful.

Beyond that, don’t beat yourself up too much for trying to defuse the situation over Thanksgiving. How terribly sad that your sister-in-law’s only response to hearing what was obviously a plea for affection was to laugh and do nothing. If you want to bring it up with your brother and reiterate that you don’t think your niece was just joking around, but that she was desperately trying to get her mom’s attention, and encourage him once again to seek counseling either singly or as a couple, I think you should. Whether or not he chooses to take your advice or continues to bury his head in the sand is ultimately up to him.

Discuss this column with Dear Prudence on her Facebook page!

More Dear Prudence

That Magic Feeling: Prudie counsels a letter writer on whether you can feel when you’re with the right person.

Baby’s First Sermon: Prudie advises a couple who wants a grandmother to stop trying to convert their infant son into her faith.

Hurt Felines: My teenage neighbor ran over my cat while texting. Now her parents want me to help her with her guilt.

Singing Praise: Prudie counsels a letter writer who thinks her child can’t—and shouldn’t—sing.

Spectrum of Support: Prudie advises a letter writer whose sister refuses to make special accommodations for her son’s autism spectrum disorder.

He’s Mine Now: My fiancé’s ex-wife calls us her “gay husbands.”

Not Her Only Mom: Prudie advises a mother who wants her adopted daughter to learn the truth about the tragic deaths of her birth parents.

Sexy Claus: Prudie counsels a father who walked in on his daughter while she was having sex with her costumed boyfriend.

2 Boxes Of Designer Checks for $8.95 Shipped From 4Checks

by Dan @ Banking – DansDeals.com

Update: The code below is set to expire tonight. ——————————————————————— Originally posted 02/25/14: 4Checks Offer Linky Step 1: Find a check style that you like and enter the following offer code on the product page and click “update pricing” (Exp: 07/31): DB4381   Choose from over 800 styles of checks and get 2 boxes for […]

Alaska Airlines Uses Our Tag Line While Offering You 5,000 Mile Award Flights!

Alaska Airlines Uses Our Tag Line While Offering You 5,000 Mile Award Flights!

by DDG @ Miles to Memories

Alaska Airlines sent out emails today announcing a new award sale with a familiar sounding name, "Turn Miles into Memories". Award flights start at just 5,000 miles one-way.

Ultimate Guide to Air Canada Aeroplan Miles: Part 7 – Expert Tricks Revealed

Ultimate Guide to Air Canada Aeroplan Miles: Part 7 – Expert Tricks Revealed

by Million Mile Secrets Team @ Million Mile Secrets

Did you know you can book airline award seats that don’t show on Air Canada Aeroplan’s website?  Or that they offer one of the best infant ticket programs in the world? You might already have access to Air Canada Aeroplan miles with transferable American Express Membership Rewards and Starwood points.  So you don’t need to fly Air …

Chase Total Checking Coupon Code

by Anthony Nguyen @ Bank Deal Guy

The Chase Total Checking® account is Chase Bank’s most popular checking account, and one of the best checking accounts among all major banks. It’s also the most simple checking account offered by Chase and it’s very easy to use! Some great features that you can expect are online banking, bill pay, mobile banking services, plus... Read More →

The post Chase Total Checking Coupon Code appeared first on Bank Deal Guy.

#MeToo Is a National Security Issue

#MeToo Is a National Security Issue

by Elizabeth Weingarten @ Slate Articles

On Tuesday, a group of 223 women—former and current ambassadors, diplomats, and other ranking national security officials—became the latest group to shine light on an industry where sexual harassment and assault have been normalized and perpetuated for decades: the field of national security.

“Many women are held back or driven from this field by men who use their power to assault at one end of the spectrum and perpetuate—sometimes unconsciously—environments that silence, demean, belittle or neglect women at the other,” they wrote in an open letter to the national security industry that they titled #metoonatsec. “Assault is the progression of the same behaviors that permit us to be denigrated, interrupted, shut out, and shut up.”

Though this kind of abuse is destructive in any industry, these behaviors in the national security industry in particular could also make all of us less safe.

We know from research that women’s inclusion at all levels of national security policy and practice—as peacekeepers, in post-conflict reconstruction, as policy officers and policymakers—and their overall safety are linked to the security and stability of states. We also know that diverse teams make better decisions and function more effectively than homogenous ones and that male-dominated teams can make riskier decisions and may be more susceptible to abuses of power. And yet, while women enter many national security institutions at near parity with men, they hover at about 34 percent of senior leadership positions at many agencies. It seems pretty obvious that if we want to make smarter and more effective national security policy and decisions, encouraging more gender diversity—and figuring out why women leave—is a good place to start.

Jenna Ben-Yehuda, who co-authored the #metoonatsec letter with Ambassador Nina Hachigian, recalls a moment a number of years ago when she shortlisted for a role in the National Security Council. Ben-Yehuda, who spent more than a decade as a State Department official, came in to interview for the NSC role prepared to answer questions about her background on multilateral negotiations and human rights. “Among the first questions I was asked was, ‘What are your child care arrangements?’ ” said Ben-Yehuda. “I was flabbergasted, and mumbled some semicoherent response, that I had really excellent child care and it wasn’t going to be an issue. They said they heard I had children. And I said, yeah, I’d love to tell you what I’ve done on human rights.”

Later, the interviewers told Ben-Yehuda they didn’t think the position would be a good fit because the hours were so long, and they didn’t want to put her in that position. To her, it felt like an abrupt 180-degree attitudinal shift. It was hard not to question how and whether Ben-Yehuda’s role as a mother—and the assumptions the interviewers carried about what that meant—factored into the decision.

And then there were the mornings earlier in her career as an intelligence briefer. Ben-Yehuda would come into the office at 6 a.m. and prepare briefs for the senior State Department officials, all of whom were male. As the men strolled in at 7 a.m., they’d start to discuss who they found most attractive in the office and who they most wanted to pursue, treating Ben-Yehuda to a dialogue of salacious, obscene comments about her colleagues.

“That kind of workplace behavior creates a permissive environment for more severe and inappropriate behaviors to take hold,” Ben-Yehuda said. “People don’t wake up one day and decide to assault people. They’re constantly looking for what would be tolerated within a context. In an environment where people bring the personal to the professional, it erodes those lines.”

Which is in part why she and the other letter authors explicitly called out toothless policies and the cultures that erode their power. “The institutions to which we belong or have served all have sexual harassment policies in place,” they wrote. “Yet, these policies are weak, under enforced, and can favor perpetrators. The existence of policies, even good ones, is not enough.”

And because sexual harassment policies are severely under-resourced, there’s an extensive backlog of pending cases, which can mean that victims work alongside their abusers for months, said Ben-Yehuda.

That seemed to be the case for one midlevel female foreign service officer, who shared her story with me recently. This woman, who preferred to remain anonymous because of the sensitive nature of her current post, was sexually harassed twice while on overseas tours and sexually assaulted a third time when she was forcibly kissed by a man who played a key role at a Middle Eastern embassy. She decided to formally report that third incident. About two months later, the State Department’s Office of Civil Rights deposed her and her assailant. Months went by. She assiduously steered clear of the places where she knew her assailant would be present—the cafeteria, social gathering spots—but it was impossible to avoid him entirely.

Six months later, she finally had a verdict: The case was inconclusive. Her assailant claimed that she’d kissed him, and there was no proof to suggest otherwise. The outcome of the case was one reason that she left the post shortly thereafter, deeply disappointed by a group of people who she had trusted. “The State Department didn’t protect me when I was trying to protect the American people,” she told me.

And so she and the other #metoonatsec authors are pushing for a conversation shift away from outcomes to prevention and constructive solutions. They suggest, for instance, multiple channels for women to report incidences without retribution, mandatory exit interviews for all women leaving federal service, and a clear message from leadership that these behaviors won’t be tolerated.

The attrition of women due to sexual harassment represents “a loss to our ability to craft thoughtful, creative, comprehensive solutions to some of the world’s most complex problems,” said Ben-Yehuda.

To a casual observer, it may have looked like the national security industry was starting to take these issues seriously earlier this fall. Indeed, research about gender inclusion and security underpinned the bipartisan Women, Peace, and Security Act, which President Trump signed into law on Oct. 6. Among many of its objectives, it mandates that the Department of Defense, the State Department, and U.S. Agency for International Development all prioritize women’s inclusion in overseas conflict prevention, resolution, and post-conflict recovery efforts, and to ensure incoming diplomats are trained in the research on why inclusion is an issue not just of social justice but of national security and policy effectiveness.

But what the #metoonatsec letter makes clear is that policy change without accompanying cultural change doesn’t drive real, sustainable change. How can the U.S. become “a global leader in promoting the meaningful participation of women in conflict prevention, management, and resolution,” as stated in the act, if it’s failing to promote and respect women inside its own institutions?

“This nation’s ability to solve hard problems rests on bringing all of the talent that we have to bear. Understanding harassment and assault as being a part of why women leave is really important,” said Ben-Yehuda.

After all, national security is just an illusion if half the population is unsafe.

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Three Steps to a Holiday Without Work Email

Three Steps to a Holiday Without Work Email

by Cynthia Lawson @ Slate Articles

The holiday season is upon us and it will soon be time to turn on your out-of-office responder. Or, will you? Will you be one of the many Americans who checks their email while they’re on vacation, or will you be one of the few who turns on that auto-responder and doesn't look at your inbox again until your first day back? Will you spend most of your time stressing out about email, losing your rare holiday to the never-ending “ding” of your device?

A few years back, my wife and I spent winter break in a quaint Spanish colonial town in Colombia. We’d looked forward to the holidays, to catch up with one another, disconnect, and try to regain some of the work-life balance we craved in Manhattan. Then came the email: There was an urgent request for information from “higher ups,” and she needed to walk someone on her team through the details of how to find it. She considered ignoring the request but worried it might hurt the image she’d been trying to project of always-available employee. Instead of enjoying one of the afternoons of our vacation with a bite and stroll through town, I spent hours hanging out in the main square watching my spouse wave her phone around desperately trying to find a signal so that the email with the detailed instructions could go out.

I first started thinking about solutions to these holiday-ruining email nightmares 10 years ago when my work took me to San Lucas Tolimán, Guatemala. I lived in a lakeside town in the Highlands, working with students and faculty teaching a group of indigenous artisans skills they may need to become independent social entrepreneurs. During this month, I was online and on email sporadically. If it rained, the networks would, for the most, part collapse, and when June happens to be hurricane season, well, you end up with a majority of your time involuntarily offline. I couldn’t believe how amazing it felt to be able to truly focus on the project I had there.

Though I did feel what may be best described as email withdrawal (with FOMO and all), it was a truly wonderful experience to know I could “survive” without that 24/7 connectivity. When I got back to the U.S., I resisted being sucked back into the churn, and became actively interested in email charters, technology diets, and ultimately reflective on how I could encourage healthier email practices in my own community of colleagues at Parsons School of Design.

Here are a few steps you can take now to help protect that precious holiday time you have ahead and bring better habits with you into the new year:

Step 1: Gain a really good understanding of your email habits—what they are now and what you would like them to be. Keep a log of how often and for how much time you check email every day. Do you allow yourself to have downtime, for example, when in line at the supermarket or subway platform, or are you always reaching for your phone to respond to the vibration notification (which I always suggest turning off) in case there’s a new message in your inbox? How will this look during the holidays? Do you want to give yourself half an hour each day to focus on email or not look at it at all until Jan. 2? What would your ideal email diet be, and how does it match up with your current reality?

Once you’ve decided what you’d like to change, explore your options. Are you able to try out technology diets that may include checking email once a day? Or, do you perhaps need apps like Self Control and time management methods like the Pomodoro Technique to regain focus and minimize distraction?

Step 2: Send email as you would want to receive it. Are you tired of getting email you don’t actually need at all hours of the night or morning or when you’re on vacation and trying to enjoy family time? Then try to put yourself in the shoes of the people receiving your messages. This is especially important if you’re a supervisor—do you need to email after hours and when out of the office, or could you instead install email scheduling tools like Boomerang or MailButler? Can this idea wait until after the holidays? If so, make a note to yourself and send it then. Your bad email habits aren’t just yours, but they could set the tone for email culture for your whole team at work.

And, most importantly, ponder whether email is the best way to communicate what you have in front of you. Instead, should you request a brief conference call with your team, or check on your work’s instant messaging platform to see if a colleague is available for a quick message during normal work hours? If you wouldn’t want to get that email in your inbox, keep it out of others’ too.

Step 3: Take your ideas to your whole workplace, and try to start some new habits before the holidays. No person is an island, and no true email solution will come from just one vigilant boundary-setter alone. Set expectations about holiday email with your co-workers and other frequent email exchangers now. Consider sharing this article with your colleagues to discuss over lunch. What are some small steps that you all agree could be taken now to make sure everyone has a happy holiday with minimal work stress?

And after the holidays? Start co-authoring a workplace email charter that can set the expectations for everyone from the start. The success of healthier email habits is highly dependent on those closest to your daily work being on the same page.

This holiday season, consider giving yourself, and your co-workers, the gift of email-free holidays. And come the new year, make a resolution to bring that holiday mindset to email year-round.

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Different Strokes

Different Strokes

by Mallory Ortberg @ Slate Articles

Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week by signing up in the box below. Please send your questions for publication to prudence@slate.com. (Questions may be edited.)

Got a burning question for Prudie? She’ll be online here on Slate to chat with readers each Monday at noon. Submit your questions and comments here before or during the live discussion.

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Dear Prudence,
Recently my friend Amy made a new friend, Mary. I’ve met her a few times, and while we were polite to each other, she isn’t someone I’d care to interact with more than necessary. I don’t seek her out, nor do I invite her to social events. Mary has slowly become part of my circle of friends. She has made a few comments intimating she’s upset that she hasn’t been invited to some of our get-togethers, but she is in a very different financial bracket than the rest of us. The restaurants and events we choose to go to are pricey. I recently hosted a dinner party for my friends and their plus ones, and Amy brought Mary. I didn’t want her at my house. We’re not friends, and I don’t enjoy her presence. I’m hosting another dinner party for the holidays, and I know Amy will bring Mary. I do not invite people I don’t want to be around to my parties. How do I politely tell Amy to stop bringing Mary?
—She’s Not Invited; She Comes Anyway

I certainly hope your dislike for Mary is rooted in something other than “she can’t afford to spend as much money on appetizers as I can,” because the only sin she appears to have committed is being less rich than the rest of your friends. While you’re certainly within your rights not to invite Mary to an event you’re hosting, sending dinner-party invitations with further instructions about who someone can invite as a plus one should be reserved for more extreme cases than this one.

I think your best option is to include Amy on the invitation and find a way to enjoy yourself despite Mary’s presence—surely at a dinner party full of guests you’ll find someone you want to talk to. It would be awkward and, I think, an overexertion of your rights as a host, to send Amy an invitation “plus one,” then add, “but not the one you’d like to bring.” It would be one thing if Mary had said something rude or offensive the last time you’d had her as a guest in your home. In that case you might say something like, “I would love for you to come but I have to ask you not to bring Mary, because she was so rude to Scorinthians last time she visited/monopolized the conversation/stole my dishwasher.” That said, if you simply can’t stand the thought of Mary as a guest in your home, then you should ask Amy not to bring her. If Amy decides not to attend, or is angry with you for asking, then that’s a risk you’re simply going to have to run.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I broke up with my boyfriend of a few years about three months ago. We’ve kept things cordial, and I’ve made it very clear that we are only going to be friends. Recently his mother contacted me and told me that I needed to stop speaking with her son because I was “stringing him along.” She also said that my mother should block him on her social media pages because he “obsesses” over glimpses into my life. I told her I didn’t want to discuss him with her and ended the conversation. She persisted in telling me that she felt I was dismissive of her. I think I should let him know about her meddling, as it has caused problems for him in the past (she was sneaking around buying him alcohol when he was supposed to be cleaning up his act). But I also don’t want to cause any drama. Should I spill the beans? Keep it to myself? Stop talking to him altogether?
—Trying to Keep an Even Keel

Stop talking to your ex and his mother. You were rightly dismissive of his mother! What she did was so bizarrely inappropriate that it merited a thorough and a frosty dismissal. Do not take any more of her calls. He’s your ex, and it’s not your responsibility to make sure he has a good relationship with his mother. Don’t get overly enmeshed in his life just because she is.

I’m not saying you have to block his number if you genuinely enjoy his friendship, but you don’t say anything about wanting to be friends with him, merely that you have had to communicate more than once that he needs to stop trying to reignite your romance. If you told him you were “only going to be friends” not because you actually want to stay in his life but because you were trying to soften the blow of your breakup, you’re not doing either of you any favors. You’re not dating this guy anymore, and his mother is no longer your problem. It sounds like you gave yourself a great gift in disentangling yourself from him. Keep up the good work, and keep up the distance.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I’ve been with a man I love very much for 15 years, and I feel trapped. He is terrible with money and has lied to me a number of times to hide his shame at getting into yet another situation where bills got away from him. It seems that no matter how many times I tell him that it’s the lying that upsets me, not the money, nothing changes. I have more money than he does, so I can help him, but I think he feels inadequate because he’s not a “provider” even though he knows I don’t care about that. For obvious reasons, we have never commingled our finances. Between these money issues and some health issues, I feel that if we ever separated, he would be unable to make it on his own. And I don’t want to separate! But feeling like I can’t leave is a millstone around my neck.

Several years ago we did separate briefly, and he stayed with friends and never made progress toward living independently. We have what looks like an adult relationship; he does his share of the housework without being asked and is generally a good guy. But in the back of my mind I feel like I can never escape.

Is that crazy? If I don’t want to break up, why should the hypothetical consequences concern me? We’ve tried therapy, and while I thought at the time that it had helped us communicate, nothing has really changed, and neither he nor the therapist really ever understood why I feel so trapped. Am I not explaining it well, or am I looking at the situation the wrong way?
—Trapped

You feel trapped because you are trapped. You have not failed to explain why this dynamic is painful to you. Your boyfriend knows that it hurts and bewilders you when he lies to you about his finances, and he has decided not to do anything differently because this situation is working for him. You make so many excuses for him in your letter, saying that he lies to you “to hide his shame,” as if that justifies the fact that he regularly lies to you. He is not “terrible with money”—that phrase implies that it’s some innate, unchangeable part of his nature, rather than an active, continuous decision on his part. He makes bad choices with his money, and then he lies to you about those choices despite knowing that this makes you feel panicked, responsible for his survival, and as if you are going crazy, rather than having honest conversations and making difficult decisions. He has decided that letting you feel like you are going crazy and like you cannot leave him is worth not having those conversations. That’s wrong, and disrespectful, and cruel, full stop. If your definition of an “adult relationship” with a “good guy” is one where your partner does his share of the housework, but you still feel like you cannot leave him, please know, if nothing else, that that is not what an adult relationship with a good guy looks like. The 15 years you have spent in crisis and panic have steadily eroded your ability to see what healthy boundaries and expectations look like. I don’t say that to add to your burden, but it doesn’t sound like you have anyone in your life who can affirm what you already know to be true—that you’re in a damaging and an unsafe relationship. The need to convince yourself that things are mostly fine except for this one little thing—your sense of safety and freedom—is slowly destroying your sense of well-being.

Even if your boyfriend feels guilty about what he does, even if he feels shame or self-loathing, he has decided to continue doing it, regardless of the effect it has upon you. Set aside how you think your boyfriend feels about his choices, and look solely at his actions: They’re manipulative and controlling, and you don’t deserve to be treated that way. I encourage you to find a therapist you can see by yourself who can call this behavior what it is—abusive—and who can help you set up a plan for leaving him without getting sucked back into the cycle of manipulation, secrecy, and control.

Dear Prudence,
About three years ago I became friends with a guy in my grad program. (I’m a woman, and we’re both in our late 30s.) We’ve become close, and we talk about every aspect of our lives, including my dating life, but never his. In fact, he’s never mentioned any romantic prospects. I’ve long thought he might be gay, especially after I saw a couple of notifications pop up on his phone when he left it lying around that suggested he was interested in men. I know he goes to gay bars because he “likes the music.” We’ve even gone to some together, and he seems to know a lot of people there, although I’ve never seen him flirt or pick anyone up. I’ve brought up the topic in a general way, usually after we’ve had a few drinks, and he always laughs, deflects, and says he just “likes all people.”

We both come from somewhat conservative parts of the world, and I understand that this may be an issue with his parents, but we live in a big city and he’s an adult. In the last few months he’s become more moody, avoids me and other friends, and seems unhappy. He’s implied to one of his relatives that we had a romantic relationship in the past, which is not true. I want to help him, but I’m not sure how! Is there anything I can do or say?
—In the Closet

I’d encourage you not to frame your friend’s possibly being in the closet in terms of “being an adult.” Or, if you must, flip it on its head—if your friend is an adult, then respect his choice not to have an in-depth conversation with you about his sexual orientation when he deflects and offers you a polite nonanswer. It may be that he’s gay, or bisexual, or asexual, or aromantic; it may be that he faces more than simply “an issue” from his family. Whatever his situation, it won’t be helped by outside pressure. That doesn’t mean that your concern is misplaced or that you can’t offer your support. Tell him you’ve noticed that he’s seemed withdrawn and despondent lately and let him know that if he ever wants to talk, you’re available to listen without passing judgment. If he takes you up on your offer, that’s wonderful. If he doesn’t immediately respond, respect his wishes, but let him know that your door is always open if he ever changes his mind.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I was in an abusive relationship years ago. I’m now happily settled with a wonderful woman and am not affected in my everyday life by this abuse. But I wonder if I should go public with this, in order to warn other women in the queer community here, which is a very small world. By letting my friends know she was both emotionally and physically abusive to me, am I doing others a service or setting myself up for drama and retaliation? I’d kind of like to make it known, but I’m wary of any possible resulting conflict or negative effects on my life.
—Do I Out My Abuser?

It makes sense that you’re concerned about potential negative repercussions from speaking openly about your abuse. I wish I could tell you that you won’t experience any, but it’s entirely possible that you will. It may help to speak with a counselor or an advocate for victims of domestic violence first. They can help you clarify your goals, protect yourself from possible retaliation, and weigh the pros and cons as you see them when it comes to speaking up. Bear in mind that it is not your duty to make sure that your ex does not abuse anyone else—that responsibility is only theirs. You say that you’d “kind of like” to talk about your experience but that you have a number of concerns; my advice is to talk through your feelings with your partner, a counselor, or someone else you trust to have your best interests at heart first. Only you can decide whether or not the potential costs are worth it, and you can and should ask for support as you figure out what’s right for you.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
When I had my daughter a few years ago, I invited my mother to visit. She seemed excited to be a grandmother, and even though we’ve had a fraught relationship in the past, I trusted her to help me. She did not. She made very hurtful comments about my weight the day after I gave birth via an emergency C-section (it’s not the first time she’s said cruel things to me). I tried to let it go, but in the week she spent with us afterward, she just got worse. I was feeling emotional from the hormones and the painkillers, so I didn’t want to watch anything violent. She put on an episode of a horror show that showed a baby being dismembered and didn’t turn it off when I asked. We got into a fight, and I asked her to leave. Eventually, we found a way to make peace, but I’ve never really trusted her since. Her behavior since then has been ... OK. I’ve had to draw firm boundaries and vigorously enforce them to keep her from saying cruel things to me or doing things with my daughter that my husband and I do not want, such as getting her ears pierced or cutting her hair without our permission.

Now I’m pregnant again, and everyone, including my husband, expects that I’ll have my mother visit us again to help after the new baby is born. She seems excited to spend time with her grandchildren. But thinking about having her near me while I’m vulnerable makes me feel ill. My husband insists that she’s changed and I’m making a big deal over nothing, but her words hurt and I don’t want to have to defend myself while I’m trying to recover from having a baby. I don’t want her around me until I’ve had some time to recover. My husband thinks I’m being cruel or unfair to her, and that she doesn’t really mean the hurtful things she says. I just don’t trust her, and even if she says cruel things out of carelessness, I don’t think it’s so much to ask people to be kind to me while I’m recovering. I hate the idea of her being around me when I’m hurting and weak, but I don’t know how to say anything to her if my own husband won’t even back me up.
—No Grandma Visits

Generally speaking, if someone says hurtful things a lot, even after someone else points out, “Hey, what you said was hurtful, and I want you to stop,” they mean the hurtful things they say. Your mother hasn’t had a series of verbal accidents, and your decision not to have her visit while you’re in the hospital recovering or in the days after you give birth is completely reasonable. I’m sorry that your husband is trying to dismiss your feelings, but since you’ve already had practice vigorously enforcing boundaries with her, you’ve got a good foundation to start with: “I’m not being cruel. I’m making sure that I’m comfortable, safe, and relaxed after giving birth to our child. I’m going to invite my mother to visit [preferably for a shorter time than before] X weeks after the baby is born, and I expect your support in this.”

Discuss this column with Dear Prudence on her Facebook page!

More Dear Prudence

Toy Story: Prudie advises a letter writer who is considering legal action after her mother gave away a prized doll collection.

Relationship Unmoored: Prudie counsels a letter writer who is bothered by her boyfriend’s refusal to condemn Senate candidate Roy Moore.

Friendly Ghost: Why is my pal blowing me off?

That Magic Feeling: Prudie counsels a letter writer on whether you can feel when you’re with the right person.

Baby’s First Sermon: Prudie advises a couple who wants a grandmother to stop trying to convert their infant son into her faith.

Hurt Felines: My teenage neighbor ran over my cat while texting. Now her parents want me to help her with her guilt.

Singing Praise: Prudie counsels a letter writer who thinks her child can’t—and shouldn’t—sing.

Spectrum of Support: Prudie advises a letter writer whose sister refuses to make special accommodations for her son’s autism spectrum disorder.

Best Bank Account Bonuses and Offers February 2018 - NerdWallet

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Best Discount Broker

by feedback@creditdonkey.com (Kim Pinnelli) @ CreditDonkey Reviews

The best online broker offers low fees, great customer service, and smart research tools. Find the best discount brokerage to consider.

Discount brokers charge as little as $4.95 for online trades. Compare that to the $100+ that many full-service brokers charge. It seems like a no-brainer choice to choose the discount broker. But, you must know how to pick the right one.

Because trading online is a self-directed practice, you need the right broker backing you up. Read our in-depth guide on our choices for the top discount brokers today.

What Is a Discount Broker?

First, let's look at the definition of a discount broker.

As the name suggests, discount brokers cost much less than a full-service broker. But, their services are much more limited. Basically, they execute your orders to buy or sell your investments. They do not provide advice. In other words, you won't speak to a person when you execute your trades. The upside? You won't have someone trying to upsell you or get you to invest in things you don't want to invest in.

However, this does not mean you don't get support. Many discount brokers do offer in-person customer service for those times when you are better off talking to someone. Plus, many of them offer online resources and tools. Some even have tutorials or mock trading platforms to help you get the hang of investing.

The bottom line is a discount broker costs you much less money per trade. You won't have the steep commissions that full-service brokers charge. What this means is more cash in your pocket and the opportunity to make more trades.

Why Use a Discount Broker

So why would you choose a discount broker over a full-service broker? The main reason is the cost. But here we will break down who would do better with a full-service broker and who could get by with a discount broker.

Who Needs a Full-Service Broker?

If you answer "yes" to the following questions, you may be better off with a full-service broker:

  • Do you have a large number of large investments?
  • Do you not have time to manage your portfolio effectively?
  • Do you not have the desire nor the know-how to handle your portfolio?
  • Can you afford high commission fees?

If you answered "yes" to each of these questions, a full-service broker might be the best option. Expect to pay between $150 and $200 for each trade, though.

Watch out for annual fees and/or maintenance fees in addition to per trade fees. Full-service brokers often include these charges in their agreement.

Who Needs a Discount Broker?

Typically, the "average" investor does just fine with a discount broker. Answer the following questions to see if you qualify:

  • Do you want to save money on each trade made?
  • Do you like to be in control of your investments?
  • Do you not want to be bothered with upselling or pressure to take other investments?
  • Do you make frequent trades?

If you answered "yes" to these questions, you may fare just fine with a discount broker.

What to Look for in a Discount Broker

Once you decide a discount broker is the way to go, you still have many decisions you must make. A quick search online will give you many options. Before you get overwhelmed, consider the most important factors:

  • Cost: This probably goes without saying. You want a broker that you can afford, but don't jump at the cheapest broker just yet. Consider all of the fees, not just the advertised ones. You might find a broker that advertises super low commissions, but doesn't readily advertise the other fees. Call them hidden fees or extra fees; the bottom line is that they cost you more than what's advertised. Ask about annual fees, maintenance fees, inactivity fees, and transfer fees.

  • Minimum deposit/balance: Some brokers require a minimum deposit to open the account. Others don't have a minimum. Yet others require a minimum average balance over the life of the account. Determine what you can afford to keep in the account if choosing accounts with a minimum requirement higher than $0.

  • Customer service: The level of customer service you want is a personal decision. Take a trial run on any broker's website that you are considering. Check out the support they have readily available on their website. But you should also email and call them with questions. See how long it takes to get an answer. This can help you decide which broker provides the level of support you need.

  • Tools: Online brokers offer a varying amount of tools. They include retirement calculators, market analysis, comparison charts, and research tools. Consider whether you need in-depth research tools or if you are a more basic investor. There are online brokers for both types of investors. Knowing what will help you be successful will help the decision.

Best Discount Broker

Here are the top discount brokers according to our research.

Best Discount Broker for Investors on a Budget

Ally Invest is one of the cheaper discount brokers, but they offer barebones services. It's best for beginning investors with an education in trading stocks and bonds. You won't receive a lot of guidance, but you also won't receive a lot of bells and whistles. This is why we recommend it for the new investor who understands the markets.

We love the fact that every trader gets access to the trading platform. On the dashboard, you'll have access to quotes in real-time and as much information as you want. You can filter your results to suit your needs. If you want full information on one security, you can get as many details as you want on it. Would you rather compare two or more securities on one page? You can do that too - you are in full control of what you see.

If you love research and advice, you'll get that and more with the community forums on Ally Invest. Do you want to rub noses with the industry experts or see what other traders are trading? You can do this and more with Ally Invest's forums. You can obtain feedback on your strategies, check out the 50 most active stocks at any given time, and chat with other investors.

Best Discount Broker for Research

TD Ameritrade may charge more than some of the cheaper alternatives, but they offer unparalleled research options. No matter how large your portfolio, you have access to the ThinkorSwim platform. What is normally a "premium platform" with other brokers is available to every investor with TD Ameritrade. The platform offers extensive research opportunities, instructional videos, real-time quotes, charts, and studies. You can even test out some of your strategies based on historical information to see how you would do.

Aside from the premium platforms, we love that there is no minimum deposit requirement to trade with TD Ameritrade. This means you can start trading as soon as you open an account. Other brokerages make you wait until your balance hits a specific threshold.

We also love the breadth of customer service available from TD Ameritrade. Investors have access to 24/7 customer service, both online and on the phone. You can email, chat online, or call customer service. You'll typically receive an immediate response for your questions or concerns.

Because of their more costly commission, TD Ameritrade is good for the beginning-to-moderate investor who won't make frequent trades. The higher cost gives you access to research and tools that don't hold a candle to the other brokerages. But, if you trade frequently, the higher commissions can eat into your profits.

Best Discount Broker for Frequent Traders

If you are a frequent trader, you need lower commissions. If not, those costs can really eat into your profits. E-Trade offers frequent traders a nice discount, which is why we chose it for frequent traders. While $6.95 per trade is equal to TD Ameritrade, traders save $2.00 per trade when they have more than 30 trades in a quarter.

E-Trade offers a variety of customer support tools, making it great for beginning and intermediate investors. The basic E-Trade platform works well for most investors, as it offers real-time quotes, charting, analysis and more. All investors also have access to the OptionsHouse platform. This is a slightly more advanced platform, but is still easy enough for the new investor to navigate. Frequent investors (making more than 30 trades per quarter) also have access to a third platform called E-Trade Pro. This platform is similar to ThinkorSwim. Investors have access to trading ideas and are able to test their ideas out on real investments.

Keep in mind that if you want to try out E-Trade's numerous platforms, you'll need at least a $500 initial deposit. This sets E-Trade apart from many of the other discount brokers and is something to consider when choosing a discount broker. Frequent traders often have at least $500 to trade, and benefit from the lower pricing tier offered at E-Trade.

Best Discount Broker for Customer Service

Fidelity is known for their mutual funds, but they are a great discount broker too. If you value top-notch customer service, this is the brokerage firm for you. Fidelity has built up its reputation of providing prompt customer service. You can reach them by phone, email, or live chat online, all of which are available 24/7.

Fidelity is also very strong in the research department. They offer an array of third-party reports for each quote you pull. If you are an avid researcher, you'll love the speed at which you can have multiple reports at your fingertips. Sometimes time is money, of which Fidelity will save you plenty with this service.

Fidelity's platform gets good reviews regarding ease of use and services it provides. Beginning investors have access to plenty of research and screeners. This helps make it easy to get the information needed to make a trade. They also offer their platform as a mobile app, making it easy to make investment decisions on-the-go.

However, if you want more advanced trading options, you'll need to make at least 36 trades in a rolling 12-month period. The Active Trader Pro offers more filters; the ability to store trades for future use; and better customization.

Other Brokers to Consider

  • Merrill Edge: A great option for those with a lot of capital to invest and who relish great customer service.

  • Charles Schwab: Investors both new and experienced do well with this broker's user-friendly platforms for infrequent and active investors.

  • Interactive Brokers: Reserved for investors with advanced needs and active traders with at least $10,000 to invest.

  • Tradestation: Once a platform for pros, this broker is now useful for beginners and advanced traders that will keep their money put. They do have a $125 outgoing transfer charge, which is on the high side.

  • Capital One Investing: This platform is perfect for traders just starting out or those who want an automatic investment option. Capital One offers discounted commissions as low as $3.95 for automatic investments.

There Are Other Options Too

Discount brokers can save you a lot of money and put you in the driver's seat of your portfolio. But they aren't for everyone. Following are a couple of other choices you may want to consider:

  • Robo-Advisors: If you can handle a completely "hands-off" approach, robo-advisors can save you even more money. The automated system uses an algorithm to invest your money for you. After you input your risk thresholds and investment goals, the computer does the rest. The fees vary, but companies like Betterment charge one annual fee based on your account balance.

  • Peer Lending: If you want to stay away from stocks and bonds for now, consider peer-to-peer lending. You decide how much money you want to invest and what type of risk you want to take. The minimum investment is often as low as $25. You can break your investment up into as many loans as you want. This helps diversify your portfolio with companies like Lending Club or Prosper.

  • Full-Service Broker: If you have a lot of money to invest or need that in-person advice, a full-service stockbroker is an option. You'll find them at your larger brokerage houses, like Merrill Lynch, but keep in mind that their commissions are much higher than discount brokers. Expect to pay $100 - $200 per trade versus $4 - $7 per trade.

Common Questions

  • What is an account minimum deposit?
    Many discount brokers don't allow traders to start trading until their account reaches a specific threshold. For example, Charles Schwab requires a $1,000 minimum deposit to open a Schwab One account.

  • What are account maintenance fees?
    The account maintenance fee is separate from the per trade fee. It's important to read the fine print to see what brokers may charge. For example, some brokers charge a 0.5% annual maintenance fee. Others only charge the fee if your balance dips below their required threshold. Always read the fine print to make sure you know what the account will cost.

  • What is a margin account?
    If you meet the Federal minimum deposit requirements, you may be able to buy on margin. This means you put a percentage (usually 50%) down on the investment and borrow the other half. The broker charges you interest and holds your securities as collateral.

  • How do you withdraw funds from your brokerage account?
    You can request a withdrawal of your funds at any time. The request must be in writing. You usually have the option of a wire transfer, ACH electronic transfer, or a check mailed to you. If you do choose the wire transfer, most brokerages charge a wire fee of as much as $50 per transfer.

  • How do you open a discount brokerage account?
    If you are opening a cash account, you'll need to provide your personal identifying information (name, address, social security number, and driver's license number). You'll also need to provide your employment information, income, and net worth. You'll also need the funds to open up the account and start trading.

The Bottom Line

Using a discount broker is a great way to trade and keep your profits. Choose your broker wisely by paying attention to hidden fees and understanding account minimums. A discount broker is a great way for beginning and experienced investors alike to invest in their future.

Best Discount Broker appeared first on CreditDonkey

IHG PointBreaks list: Oct 30, 2017 – Jan 31,2018

by takeoffwithmiles @ Takeoff With Miles

IHG has updated the list of PointBreaks hotels. IHG Rewards club members can book these hotels for just 5,000 points/night for stays between Oct 30,2017 and Jan 31, 2018 Right now, IHG is offering 100% bonus on points purchase. You could get buy points at the rate of 0.575 cent/point, which means 5,000 points would ...

The post IHG PointBreaks list: Oct 30, 2017 – Jan 31,2018 appeared first on Takeoff With Miles.

Jamie Dimon Wishes the Sapphire Reserve Cost Chase More Money. Here are 24 Suggestions to Make That Happen!

Jamie Dimon Wishes the Sapphire Reserve Cost Chase More Money. Here are 24 Suggestions to Make That Happen!

by Ralph @ PointsCentric

Last month, there was an article on Bloomberg about how the Chase Sapphire Reserve card reduced Chase’s profit by almost $300 million dollars due to the lucrative signup bonus and features on the card. While the figure seems high at first glance, it apparently wasn’t good enough. Yesterday there was an article on CNBC (h/t […]

Citi Online Checking Account $400 Bonus | PT Money

Citi Online Checking Account $400 Bonus | PT Money


PT Money

Citi has an online checking account that offers either $400 or $200 in bonuses. This $400 bonus is the largest offered by an online bank for checking.

Get Up To 28,500 Continental Miles For Opening Up A Chase Free Checking Account With Direct Deposit!

by Dan @ Banking – DansDeals.com

Chase counts incoming ACH transfers from other banks and incoming paypal/google checkout revenues as direct deposits! The miles for this offer posted for me within a month of making an incoming ACH transfer from another bank account! Continental Offer Linky -10,000 miles for opening up the checking account with direct deposit. -11,000 miles for opening […]

How to Redeem Cash Back with Citi - MagnifyMoney

How to Redeem Cash Back with Citi - MagnifyMoney


MagnifyMoney

Learn how easy it is to redeem cash back with your Citi credit card. Our step-by-step guide shows you how to redeem your rewards in minutes.

This Simple Question Can Save You From Missing Out on Lots of Miles & Points!

This Simple Question Can Save You From Missing Out on Lots of Miles & Points!

by Million Mile Secrets @ Million Mile Secrets

Welcome to the next installment of the Monday small business series! Here’s team member Meghan to share why anyone with a small business or side hustle should never forget to ask a simple question to be sure you’re making the most of your business expenses. Meghan:   I love earning extra cash (and travel rewards!) through various part-time …

Best Bank Deals, Bonuses, & Promotions In Iowa

by Danny Nguyen @ Bank Deal Guy

Editor’s Note: Not your state? No worries, you can click on the state(s) above to see the Best Bank Deals, Bonuses, & Promotions being offered in your state. New to bank bonuses? No worries! See our Beginners Guide To Bank Bonuses. Amongst the sea of corn fields you can find some pretty nice bank bonuses. Here is a... Read More →

The post Best Bank Deals, Bonuses, & Promotions In Iowa appeared first on Bank Deal Guy.

The Best Travel Gadgets and Accessories

The Best Travel Gadgets and Accessories

by Lori Keong @ Slate Articles

This article originally appeared on the Strategist.

Every travel situation requires a different set of tools and knickknacks, whether you’re taking a road trip, a red-eye, or backpacking from hostel to hostel. That’s why we talked to eight different kinds of travelers who haven’t settled for the sedentary lifestyle—from professional travel writers and expedition leaders to hardcore nomads (one who’s already ticked 65 countries off of his bucket list) about the special travel accessories that have made their journeys that much easier.

They described in-flight necessities that make that cramped plane seat a little more bearable, functional gadgets that are small miracles in off-the-grid regions, and even a de-constructable suitcase that has earned many admirers abroad.

“Pacsafe makes all kinds of products geared toward travel experts looking to stay one step ahead of thieves, which are RFID-protected (meaning they keep people from swiping your credit-card information). I personally like the Pacsafe wallets because of their retro design, and the ability to chain the wallet to your belt or belt loop. This is essential not only when you are in a big group of people (like a train station in India or tourist area in China), but also when you have had too much to drink and might leave your valuables unattended and lost.” —J.R. Harrison III, nomadic traveler who has backpacked to over 65 countries and six continents, travel blogger at The Savvy Vagabond

Pacsafe Anti-Theft RFID Wallet
$24, Amazon

“I always have tons of gadgets when I travel: the Kindle Paperwhite, the GoPro Hero 5, the Sony A7 Mirrorless Camera, the MacBook Air, multiple USB power banks (all of which are Anker, by the way, the best company for this stuff), etc. When couch surfing—or staying in guest houses, especially hostels—around the world, plugs are few and far between. There are also times when you may be on the move for a few days and won’t have time to sit and charge all of your things for 12-plus hours. This is where this wall charger comes in handy: All you need is one outlet that you can reach with the extended cord, and voilà, plug six devices in all at once.” —J.R. Harrison III

Anker 6-Port USB Wall Charger
$21, Amazon

“It’s funny-looking, and before they were more prolific, I always worried people would think I was wearing a neck brace, but it’s the most practical neck pillow I’ve tried thus far. And I can sleep through an entire 15-hour flight, so clearly it’s working for me.” —Sarah Khan, travel writer

Trtl Pillow
$30, Amazon

“I take quite a few red-eyes, and it’s not uncommon for me to head straight to meetings from the airport, so I always have a great eye mask on hand to ensure I can get a good night’s sleep. Slip makes a fantastic one that we also carry in our stores.” —Jen Rubio, co-founder of Away

Slip Silk Sleep Mask
$45, Amazon

“This cap can turn any Nalgene water bottle into a pressurized shower. Just screw on the lid, pump up to pressure, and depress the button. Mist yourself off on a hot day, rinse your dishes, or even wash your hair while camping. It’s pressurized water, wherever you go. We already ordered ours!” —Megan and Michael of travel blog Fresh Off the Grid

Lunatec Aquabot Sport Water Bottle
$30, Amazon

“Small and portable, this tripod can be set up instantly. It’s not intrusive to your fellow travelers, easy to use, and compact enough to slip into a suitcase or even a day pack. Add an adapter to safely sync this sturdy little tripod with your smartphone.” —Jen Martin, director of expedition development, expedition leader, Lindblad Expeditions

JOBY Gorillapod Flexible Tripod
$58, Amazon

“This plasma arc lighter is hands down the coolest way to light a fire. Using a rechargeable lithium-ion battery, it generates an electrical arc that is 100 percent windproof. It comes with an integrated flashlight and lantern, so you can offer somebody a ‘light’ in every sense of the word.” —Megan and Michael

Power Practical Sparkr
$60, Amazon

“Lightweight, compact, and easy to pack, this utensil set is great for camping trips or just having in the glove box of your car. Never use disposable plastic utensils again!” —Megan and Michael

To-Go Ware Bamboo Travel Utensils Set
$13, Amazon

“I like the Garmin eTrex—it’s rugged, waterproof, and small enough to hold in your hand or pocket. The latest updates have improved screens, resolution, graphics, and ease of use. Having a GPS can come in handy if you want to record where you’ve been or specific locations you’ve visited. (Did you propose on a trail hike? Want to geocache a message for future travelers?) We use them often to record good landing sites, hiking trails, and as an additional safety measure.” —Jen Martin

Garmin eTrex 30x Handheld Navigator
$182, Amazon

“I never really invested in quality headphones until now, and I’m so glad I did. Beats by Dre’s new Studio 3 headphones have advanced noise-canceling technology that can drown out everything. I take a lot of red-eyes, and have always found it nearly impossible to sleep with the constant buzz of the plane’s engine, so these headphones are game changers. They’re wireless, so I can connect them to my iPhone via Bluetooth or use the removable cord to plug them in when I want to watch a movie. They’re not cheap, but if you travel a lot, I think they’re worth it.” —Laura Itzkowitz, freelance travel writer and editor

Beats Studio 3 Wireless Headphones
$290, Amazon

“For a total gadgetry pick—more for fun than functionality—a range finder is high on my list. Tell your distance from a glacier face or know how far your ship is from shore or the nearest iceberg. It’s an interesting option—especially in cold climates, where the ‘white on white’ topography makes it impossible to tell distances. Small and portable, this is highly rated and comes from a company known for good optics.” —Jen Martin

Nikon Prostaff 7i Laser Range Finder
$285, Amazon

“These headphones block out all the noise in an airplane. The motors, but also crying children and snorting men. The sound is, of course, phenomenal—so perfect to watch a movie, listen to some music, or get into a meditation mode.” —Pauline Egge, travel blogger and creator of PetitePassport.com

Bose Quiet Comfort 35
$329, Amazon

“I always use the Pearl when I’m on a trip. It’s designed with the traveler in mind, so everything fits in it. That is, my camera, my phone, a charger, lipstick, my wallet, a small notebook, and a pen.” —Pauline Egge

Pearl Cross-Body Bag
$174, Lo & Sons

“I just got the carry-on suitcase by Away, which has a super-sleek design with a virtually indestructible shell, built-in USB charger, and clever internal compartments, including a waterproof laundry bag. Just make sure to remove the battery pack if you’re traveling through Asia! A friend got flagged at security because of it.” —Laura Itzkowitz

Carry-on Luggage
$225, Away

“I am absolutely in love with this backpack. It’s expensive, but I really couldn’t find a better option that’s both stylish and practical. If you are carrying anything nice as far as a laptop, gadgets, or a nice DSLR camera, these bags are the truth. It is padded in just about every area, provides easy side-pocket access, a padded slip for a laptop, a pouch for a tripod, and enough space for a Bluetooth speaker, hard drive, clothes, or whatever else you want. Extremely durable, sexy, stylish, comfortable, and practical.” —J.R. Harrison III

Yeti Backpack
$368, Zkin

“I took this suitcase with me to Asia, Europe, and the States. Everywhere I went, people reacted to the suitcase as if it were a Labrador pup. They wanted to touch it, use it, and basically wanted to take it with them immediately. The Bugaboo Boxer (yes, of the stroller company) is a suitcase you push instead of pull. It has four wheels you can easily fold and unfold. It makes traveling so much lighter. I’m a big fan.” —Pauline Egge

The Bugaboo Boxer Fully Loaded
$1,490, Bugaboo Boxer

This article is published through a partnership with New York magazine’s the Strategist and Select All. The partnership is designed to surface the most useful, expert recommendations for things to buy across the vast e-commerce landscape. We update links when possible, but note that deals can expire and all prices are subject to change. Every editorial product is independently selected by New York magazine. If you buy something through our links, Slate and New York magazine may earn an affiliate commission.

Yad Batya L’Kallah Benefit Auction Is Offering An Exclusive Deal For DansDeals Readers For 48 Hours Only!

by JJ @ DansDeals.com

Please note: This is a paid advertisement which is stickied as the top post, please scroll down for new posts. www.yadbatya.org 60 Amazon prizes! $10,000, 6 Tickets to Israel! Vacation! Jewelry! Wigs! Upscale shopping! Tons of gift cards! And More! 2 events : Five Towns: February 15th at the home of Bilhah Moradi, 72 Muriel Avenue, Lawrence. […]

The Best Gifts for Gamers

The Best Gifts for Gamers

by Liz Stinson @ Slate Articles

This article originally appeared on the Strategist.

Finding the perfect holiday gift can be maddening (is this the color they’d want? Is it something they already have? Is it so last year?), but really, once you have a sense of a person’s taste, it’s not impossible. This season, we’ll be talking to members of various tribes to find out exactly what to get that college student, or serious home cook, or Star Wars fanatic in your life. Think of it as a window into their brain trust—or, at least, a very helpful starting point. For our latest installment, we found 10 gamers to tell us what they want for the holidays, from wireless earbuds to vintage-ish Tamagotchis.

“I had a chance to play around with the new, super-tiny rereleased Tamagotchi virtual pets at New York Comic Con, and its simple charm gave me a lot of nostalgia of owning one of those devices back in middle school. I think I still have an Angel Tamagotchi lying around in my apartment, but the brightly-colored mini ones have a lot of retro style.” —Amanda Cosmos, QA lead at Dots

20th Anniversary Tamagotchi Device
$12, Amazon

“The Mario Odyssey Switch is a perfect gift for nostalgia’s sake alone. We peaked early, when Super Mario 64 was at the top of everyone’s holiday wish lists, and Mario’s return brings us right back to fighting with our siblings over who got to jump into the castle paintings next (not to mention that the Switch is still cool, and we should get our own instead of demanding to borrow our one very annoyed friend’s own every week).” —Emily Sheehan and Claire Manganiello, creative team at Mother New York

Super Mario Odyssey – Nintendo Switch
$55, Amazon

“Unlike the Apple AirPods, most people won’t notice you’re wearing Rowkin earbuds at all, and you’ll no longer accidentally rip your headphones out of your ears every single morning while frantically scrambling around for your MetroCard. They may be the earbuds that make a functioning adult out of you.” —Sheehan and Manganiello

Rowkin Bit Stereo: True Wireless Earbuds
$90, Amazon

“When I started playing this game, I thought I had it figured out after the first 15 minutes. I was completely wrong. The game took a completely unexpected turn early on, and from there on out, it continued to surprise and delight. Seemingly effortlessly, Edith Finch deals with some very powerful themes, driving them with an incredible marriage of story, dialogue, imagery, and kinetics. The game reminded me that perhaps we can form the shape of our future out of more than just the contours of our past.” —Ryan Cash, co-founder of Snowman and co-creator of Alto’s Adventure

What Remains of Edith Finch – Xbox One
$20, Amazon

“In a subtle but powerful way, I’ve actually found that Apple’s AirPods have changed the way I experience mobile gaming. In the past, I’d very rarely play games with headphones. As an audiophile, I’d only take them out under the perfect circumstances: if I was sitting at home, free of distractions, with dedicated time to spare. Cut to owning AirPods. Sure, they’re ultimately just wireless headphones. But it’s little flourishes like the case acting as a charger, the effort spent to reduce syncing speed, and automatic pausing as you remove them from your ear that make using them not just easy, but joyful. That consideration for making the mundane magical has led me to use headphones more often each day — listening to more podcasts, more music, and best of all, experiencing games with the quality of sound their developers intended.” —Cash

Apple Airpods
$172, Amazon

“This mid-priced, top-rated GPS unit is easy to use, lightweight, and is perfect for all outdoor geocaching (and archaeological!) action. It comes preloaded with topographic data, so you know your exact elevation.” —Sarah Parcak, TED Prize winner and creator of GlobalXplorer

Garmin GPSMAP 64st, TOPO U.S. 100K With High-Sensitivity GPS and GLONASS Receiver
$247, Amazon

“Connectivity is a constant at this point, but we all feel guilt around screen time. Toymail is a means by which adults can communicate with kids and have shared connectivity time. And the stuffed animals are really cute.” —Matt Harrigan, co-founder and managing director, Grand Central Tech

Talkie by Toymail: Hank a Dino
$40, Amazon

“I love horror games, and this one’s art and gameplay seem particularly interesting. It just came out this year, too.” —Laura Gatti, technical artist at Dots

Little Nightmares – PlayStation 4 Complete Edition
$34, Amazon

“It’s the perfect device for playing games on the go. Not only does it easily dock to your television, there are lots of great new games on it, such as Super Mario Odyssey and The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. For those who are looking for something really versatile and social, it’s a perfect device.” —Jamin Warren, founder and CEO of Kill Screen

Nintendo Switch – Gray Joy-Con
$299, Amazon

“I’ve been surprised at how quickly mobile VR has advanced over the last couple years, and the Google Daydream View is a great upgrade if you’re an Android user looking to make the jump to one of Google’s new phones. It’s only $99, and unlike the more traditional black plastic design, a soft fabric cover might be a better fit for your personal style.” —Warren

Google Daydream View – VR Headset (Slate)
$86, Amazon

“We have a couple Sonos speakers at the office and we love them. The new Alexa integration for Sonos is a nice touch, but specifically, you can play some old-time adventure games from the early days of the PC, such as Zork. There’s a big opportunity to play games with voice commands, so I hope to see more in the future.” —Warren

Sonos Play:1 Compact Wireless Speaker for Streaming Music
$149, Amazon

“I’m also always on the lookout for gadgets and accessories that allow me to capture moments with my friends and family in new and fun ways. For all the holiday parties this season, I’ve got my eye on the Prynt Pocket, a portable photo printer that allows you to instantly print pictures from Facebook, Instagram, and your phone. I also love that there’s an option to add video inside your photo, taking the photo experience to a whole new level.” —Michelle David, lead designer at Zynga for Words With Friends

Prynt Pocket Instant Photo Printer for iPhone
$150, Amazon

“There’s a chance you may have to head to eBay for this one, as it’s been sold out at most retail and online locations. It’s a miniature Super Nintendo with 21 classic games already installed and ready to play … and yes, it does have the original Mario Kart.” —Justine Ezarik, iJustine

Super Nintendo Entertainment System SNES Classic Edition
$114, Amazon

“The newest iPhones (and most Android phones) have wireless charging capabilities. This is the one that I have been using since I got my new iPhone, and I absolutely love it.” —Ezarik

Mophie Wireless Charging Base
$60, Amazon

“The Spark is my favorite tiny, portable drone. It’s perfect for anyone who has never had a drone before. It can take off and land from the palm of your hand, and you can even fly it right from your iPhone without a controller.” —Ezarik

SSE DJI Spark Portable Mini Drone Quadcopter Starters Bundle (Alpine White)
$399, Amazon

“One of the coolest games out there is NHL 18. I love wearing my Vesey Rangers jersey, and the graphics are the sickest. Skating is so cool.” —Cassidy Berger, fourth-grade student

NHL 18 – PlayStation 4
$50, Amazon

This article is published through a partnership with New York magazine’s the Strategist and Select All. The partnership is designed to surface the most useful, expert recommendations for things to buy across the vast e-commerce landscape. We update links when possible, but note that deals can expire and all prices are subject to change. Every editorial product is independently selected by New York magazine. If you buy something through our links, Slate and New York magazine may earn an affiliate commission.

The Best Exercise Bikes

The Best Exercise Bikes

by Maxine Builder @ Slate Articles

This article originally appeared on the Strategist.

To find the very best products that no human being would have the time to try, look to the best-reviewed (that’s four-to-five-star ratings and lots of ’em) products and choose the most convincing. You’ll find the best crowdsourced ideas whether you’re searching for comforters, bed sheets, or even Christmas trees. Below, the best exercise bikes determined by the hard-nosed reviewers on Amazon. (Note that reviews have been edited for length and clarity.)

Best Indoor Cycling Exercise Bike, Overall

4.2 stars, 2,274 reviews
“I love going to spin classes, but don’t have the ability to attend when classes are scheduled because of work and family. I bought this bike to add to my great gym in my basement—and I love it. It’s solid, heavyweight metal; the 40-pound flywheel and construction provide the right amount of tension and stability to do any kind of workout you wish—standing on the pedals with heavy tension or fast pedaling with light resistance. This bike was easy to assemble—took less than 15 minutes … Great purchase!”

Sunny Health & Fitness Pro Indoor Cycling Bike
$254, Amazon

Best Indoor Cycling Exercise Bike Less Than $150

4.2 stars, 113 reviews
“I started working out at home, so I decided to buy several things that would work and not take a lot of space. I went back and forth with deciding to buy this bike because I knew it would be a big purchase, and if it didn’t happen to work, I didn’t want to deal with the return and headache. Well, no need to return. It has been one of my favorite fitness-related purchases—aside from the Bosu Ball. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE and definitely recommended to anyone who wants to get in shape and get a good cardiovascular and leg workout … It is big enough to feel comfortable, and steady and small enough to fit it nearly anywhere. I live in NYC and the apartments here aren’t huge, and it is perfect. The bike is also very beautiful, so it does not look bad if you just leave it out. The seat is comfortable, so I don’t think I would be buying cushions for it … So, in conclusion, if you’re thinking about buying it, definitely do so. It is 100 percent worthy and fantastic.”

Pro Gear 100S Exercise Bike/Indoor Training Cycle
$132, Amazon

Best Upright Exercise Bike

4.3 stars, 126 reviews
“I have been a ‘gym rat’ for decades and work out five [or] six times per week. I have used the best commercial upright bikes out there. This one, to my surprise, is every bit as good and even better than most of the commercial bikes you find in gyms. The seat is extraordinarily comfortable—the most comfortable of any stationary bike I have ridden. The programs are easy to use, and the pedaling and resistance are extremely smooth and fluid. I ride on level 20 (highest level is 25) for 40 minutes, and it is no problem for the machine at all. I get my heart rate going at the high rate I like for the duration of my workout. The heart-rate monitor sometimes gives erroneous readings, but I find that is the case on the best commercial machines as well. I put this bike together in 30 minutes by myself. A really outstanding piece of workout equipment!”

Nautilus U616 Upright Bike
$349, Amazon

Best Folding Upright Exercise Bike, Overall

4.4 stars, 4,882 reviews
“I really wanted an exercise machine I could use at home for the days I don’t make it to the gym (which, I’ll admit, is most days). However, I also have a small apartment with limited floor and storage space. I love that this bike fits snugly against the wall when not in use without sacrificing comfort or sturdiness (even with my big booty) in order to be compact.

Bikes are not usually my go-to exercise equipment because they give me a sore butt and crotch when I push myself, and sometimes, even when I don’t. However, this bike doesn’t feel the same to use as a regular bike or the standard exercise bike you would find at the gym. The pedals are further forward and the seat is wider, and I actually find it to be more comfortable. I am still able to get my heart rate up and work my legs just as well as other bikes while sitting fully back on the seat. I have not noticed any aches or pains indicating the positioning is problematic, but I have noticed considerably less pain caused by the seat than I usually experience using exercise bikes.

It is quiet, smooth, tracks everything I want to track, has appropriate resistance, and still works great six months later. I am very happy with my purchase!”

Exerpeutic Folding Magnetic Upright Bike With Pulse
$130, Amazon

Best Folding Upright Exercise Bike With 400-Pound Weight Capacity

4.3 stars, 505 reviews
“I’ve had this for about two weeks now. It has been wonderful and convenient! I needed some lower-impact cardio exercise to incorporate into my regime (jogging was taking its toll on my knees and ankles), and I am so glad I came across this. The seat takes some getting used to, but it supports my six-foot, 320-pound self in my journey to weight loss. The reviews are somewhat correct about the resistance levels being a little weak. I have pretty strong legs (from lugging around this weight most of my life) and levels four to seven work just fine for me. I only, however, use this machine for moderate exercise in 20- to 40-minute periods. The setup is very easy. Took me about 30 minutes to do alone, and all the necessary equipment is included. Highly recommended.”

Exerpeutic Gold 500 XLS Foldable Upright Bike, 400 Lbs
$165, Amazon

Best Folding Upright Exercise Bike Less Than $100

4.5 stars, 116 reviews
“I can’t believe what a good product this is, especially for the price! The ride is comfortable, smooth and quiet. It barely makes any noise at all. It is much more comfortable, smooth, and quiet than the expensive models I use at my gym and at physical therapy. You would be able to use this in front of the TV without disturbing anyone else in the room … I only weigh 125 pounds, but it is big enough to feel sturdy [and] small enough to fold up to put away and save space. I am very happy with this purchase.”

ProGear Foldable Magnetic Upright Bike
$85, Amazon

Best Upright Exercise Bike With Fan-Resistance

4.1 stars, 496 reviews
“This bike is a BEAST. It’s really heavy and structurally sound, and definitely gives a full-body workout. The adjustable seat makes it comfortable for taller people—both my five-eight self and six-one-or-so boyfriend have no problem, but it might be a bit of a reach (literally) for shorter folks. Since it’s so substantial, it really kicks your ass when you’re first getting used to it, but the hard work pays off: Between diet and using this bike regularly, I’ve lost almost 40 pounds and my boyfriend has lost around 50. I absolutely love this bike and would definitely recommend it!”

Schwinn AD6 Airdyne Exercise Bike
$500, Amazon

Best Recumbent Exercise Bike

4.1 stars, 4,797 reviews
“I’ve been using this bike for about two years, and I absolutely love it. I turn on the television and watch a movie or play video games and the time flies by! I honestly forget I’m riding it sometimes, though that depends how good the movie or video game is! I have to get up every 30 minutes to stretch and give my buttocks a break, but it’s a very comfortable seat overall. I keep a pillow stashed between the seat and backrest for even more comfort. When I started, I was 400 pounds, so there’s no weight limit that I’m aware of. Easy to assemble, and you can adjust the tension from one to eight to make your workout easier or harder. Plus, the legs rotate forward or backward, so you can ride in any direction you please. It also allows you to adjust the length from the seat to the pedals, so if you’re short or tall, you can adjust it to fit your needs … The unit is magnetic, so it’s very quiet—can’t hear a thing when you’re riding. The digital screen tracks time elapsed, calories burned, distance traveled, and current speed; you can set it to rotate between these display options or set it to stick to a single option (for instance, if you only want to see time elapsed). I haven’t replaced the batteries yet (I think they’re two AA), so they seem to last forever … I lost 60 pounds over the course of a few months doing no other exercise other than riding this recumbent bike in my room. Yeah, it’s THAT good. Great exercise bike that’s well worth the price!”

Marcy Recumbent Exercise Bike With Resistance ME-709
$122, Amazon

Best Folding Recumbent Exercise Bike

4.4 stars, 2,400 reviews
“This is perhaps the nicest gift I’ve ever treated myself to. My ideal piece of exercise equipment would have been a treadmill (I LOVE TO RUN), but it simply wasn’t an option—they cost too much, take up too much space and require a lot of maintenance. This handy-dandy little exercise bike, however, takes up very little space and is quite affordable (compared to, say, my old gym membership or a treadmill) … Love the tension control—I can definitely break a sweat on this bike and get a good burn in my legs. Computer function is nice, but I don’t buy that I burn nearly as many calories as it claims I do. The heart-rate monitor was surprisingly accurate for me (I have my own heart-rate monitor I use on runs to compare it to), and I like that I can see how long I’ve been working out for—in reality, though, I almost never pay attention to the display … Very happy with this bike, love the space-saving design, and I find it to be a very comfortable, ‘semi-recumbent’-style bike.”

Exerpeutic 400XL Folding Recumbent Bike
$97, Amazon

Best Upright Exercise Bike With Desk

4.2 stars, 1,443 reviews
“I haven’t been this delighted with a product in a long time. As a college professor, I can’t avoid sedentary evenings. Or rather, I couldn’t. That all changed last week when I assembled this bike and begin clocking 20 miles per day while doing a few hours of research. The design is ingenious—I especially like the drawer for my phone, as well as the strap securing my laptop … It took just under two hours to assemble, and I agree with the other reviewers that a ratchet set is handy if you have it, but not essential. You should also tighten the bolts once a week or so, which isn’t hard. As for usability, you’re not going to want to spend a full day on this, but you won’t have to. I find that reading, emailing, note-taking, web-surfing, and movies work best on the Fitdesk; intensive writing might be better saved for a desk on which you don’t have to expend a few brain waves to keep the pedals moving. That said, if you pedal at light resistance, you’ll barely be aware that you’re doing it, and I do think the process keeps me more alert, even if it divides my attention a hair. I don’t know how these guys keep the prices so low, and they even donate some of the desks [to] schools! I’ll check back in if I have troubles with it down the road, but if I get a year out of this, it will have paid itself off many times. I don’t use the phrase ‘life-changing’ lightly, but it just may fit here.”

FitDesk Desk Exercise Bike With Message Bar
$265, Amazon

Best Recumbent Exercise Bike With Desk

4.2 stars, 381 reviews
“I love this bike! I am able to type on my MacBook Pro (15-inch) without any shaking or discomfort. I set the tension to about six (out of eight) and end up getting a pretty good workout while also getting my work done. This bike is really changing my sedentary work lifestyle; I recommend it to anyone who wants to stay active throughout the day. Easy to put together and fold and store. I’m really surprised by how awesome this bike is—wish I could have it at work, too!”

Exerpeutic Workfit 1000 Desk Station Folding Semi-Recumbent Exercise Bike
$200, Amazon

Best Under-Desk Exercise Bike, Overall

4.7 stars, 1,716 reviews
“I LOVE this exerciser! I have a typical desk job and used to struggle to fit exercise into busy work days and even busier evenings with family commitments. I now exercise an average of 1.5 hours a day—riding 25 to 35 miles—while I’m working. I tend to use it while I’m on calls and don’t have to do heavy typing. It’s low, but still would not allow me to pedal under my keyboard tray, so I have it under another part of my desk where it works just fine while I’m on the phone. The machine is heavy, well-made, and virtually silent. My workspace is carpeted and I have a rolling chair, but I find that on tension-setting three I’m still able to pedal without the chair moving much, and haven’t had to use the included strap. I use my abdominals to help hold the chair in place for added exercise benefits. Also, I’m a fidgeter, and a surprise bonus of this machine is that the pedaling takes care of my need to fidget, so my concentration and focus on work is actually greater while I pedal. Who knew? … Overall, it’s a life changer! I highly recommend this gizmo for people with sedentary jobs.”

DeskCycle Desk Exercise Bike Pedal Exerciser, White
$159, Amazon

Best Under-Desk Exercise Bike Less Than $100

4.3 stars, 630 reviews
“I seriously wish I found this five years ago. I am pretty active but work a lot, sitting at a desk 10 hours a day at a pretty stressful job. My legs get achy from sitting; I just feel lethargic and have gained a couple pounds I’m not happy about over the last couple years … Long story short—this is a life changer. I received it over the weekend, it’s super easy to assemble, and did a quick trial run watching TV. It’s a very smooth ride, and completely SILENT, which is perfect for the office. First day taking it to work, I biked 13 miles throughout the day—AT MY DESK … I feel more energized and not like a worthless sloth sitting all day. As far as resistance goes, there are adjustable settings, so you can go as light or heavy as you want, digital monitor showing calories and distance, and it’s small enough to fit right under your desk. I am using the fourth out of eight on the difficulty level, and it’s just enough to not get super sweaty at work, but still get a good work out. I have zero complaints and can’t wait to get back in shape!”

Sunny Health & Fitness SF-B0418 Magnetic Mini Exercise Bike, Gray
$101, Amazon

This article is published through a partnership with New York magazine’s the Strategist and Select All. The partnership is designed to surface the most useful, expert recommendations for things to buy across the vast e-commerce landscape. We update links when possible, but note that deals can expire and all prices are subject to change. Every editorial product is independently selected by New York magazine. If you buy something through our links, Slate and New York magazine may earn an affiliate commission.

$120 Bank Bonus – Open a Checking Account at Bank Mutual

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Discounted Gift Cards On eBay; 20% Off Overstock Plus More

by DDG @ Danny the Deal Guru

There’s some new discounted gift cards On eBay that were released today. Not the best deals we’ve seen but might be worth for some. Sadly, there’s been some changes recently and you can no longer earn 5X for gift card purchases from PayPal Digital Gifts (PPDG).

The post Discounted Gift Cards On eBay; 20% Off Overstock Plus More appeared first on Danny the Deal Guru.

Blue Federal Credit Union Offers Are Quite The Gimmick

by Tony Phan @ MoneysMyLife

Blue Federal Credit Union offers some impressive rates on their Checking and Savings accounts. Unfortunately, the highest rates available are a bit of a gimmick, so don’t get too excited. On the plus side, accounts are available for nationwide application. Established in 1951 and headquartered in Cheyenne, Wyoming, Blue Federal CU has nearly 15 locations […]

Cincinnati Federal Review: $250 Checking Account Bonus [OH Residents]

by Tony Phan @ MoneysMyLife

Find the latest promotions and bonuses from Cincinnati Federal updated here. Offers have typically ranged from $150 to $250 in the past. Established in 1922 and headquartered in Cincinnati, Ohio, Cincinnati Federal has 4 locations in the state. If you’re not an Ohio resident, use our Bank Bonuses page for other offers, including those from […]

Childless Burden

Childless Burden

by Mallory Ortberg @ Slate Articles

Mallory Ortberg, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Sign up below to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Q. Husband embarrassed by my infertility: My husband and I have been married for five years. We have no children because I have been unable to get pregnant, even with the help of fertility treatments. We are set up with an agency to adopt, but that has also been a lengthy and emotional process, which has included a match with a birth mother who ultimately broke the match because her mother didn’t like us.

Now that my husband’s sister-in-law just had a baby, he’s more desperate than ever to start our family. He has recently told me that he is “embarrassed” by the fact that we are almost 35 and childless, and he places the blame squarely on me being “unable to produce a child.” The truth is, while I have been diagnosed with a hormonal disorder, it hasn’t been proven to be the reason why we haven’t gotten pregnant. Nonetheless, I feel ashamed and hurt by these comments. I fear I may lose my husband over this. What should I do?

A: Couples’ counseling, get thee to a couples’ counselor yesterday. I know that dealing with infertility can put a strain on any relationship, and over the course of almost any marriage both parties will eventually (and inevitably) say cruel and hurtful things to one another, but framing your infertility as some sort of biological failure wherein blame can be apportioned as assigned is cruel, unnecessarily divisive, and ultimately unproductive. Be honest with your husband about how painful and unloving his words were. Make it clear that he cannot speak to you that way, especially if the two of you are planning on adopting and raising a child together—that’s no way to model familial affection for a little kid. If he can’t see the gravity of what he said, and if he’s not willing to apologize and mend his ways, then it might be time to consider parting from him, but here’s hoping he comes to his senses and tries to make things right before it’s too late.

Q. My dog: Three years ago, I asked my brother and his girlfriend to take care of my dog while I went away to school. The first year was fine, but midway through the second, my brother broke up with his girlfriend and moved out. I panicked and asked her if she would still take care of my dog (she had a house with a yard while my brother and I lived in apartments). She agreed but told me come pick my dog up in three months. I wasn’t able to meet the deadline and begged her for an extension. Then my dog had to have some expensive surgery (I gave her some cash later on) but since then, she has been later and later in responding to me.

I admit I wasn’t as diligent as I should have been but I had a lot on my plate with my final year of school and two internships. Now she refuses to give back the dog. She finally called me back after I bombarded with texts. She told me I was harassing her, she was going to call the cops, that I had “abandoned” my dog so it was hers now, and she microchipped and registered him as hers. I don’t know what to do. Please how do I get my dog back from her?

A: I’d encourage you to familiarize yourself with animal abandonment/ownership laws in your area; it’s possible (though not likely) that you still have some legal claim to the dog. That said, while I’m sympathetic to your feelings, I think you should put them aside and look at the facts. You asked someone else to take care of your dog for three years—a not insubstantial portion of the dog’s life—then, when given a deadline to resume ownership, you were unable to do so. If you didn’t register the dog as yours and never had him microchipped, then I think your brother’s ex owns the dog in a legal and a logistical sense.

Sometimes people have to temporarily give up pets through circumstances entirely out of their control, but it’s not like you were evicted or a victim of bad timing. You made a decision to prioritize your “final year of school and two internships”—which is, frankly, understandable—and now you’re experiencing the consequences of that decision.

You can be sad about this, you can experience regret, you can wish you had prioritized things differently, but you should use that as an impetus to behave differently if you ever get another pet in the future, rather than try to force this woman to give up the dog she’s been responsible for during the last three years and has clearly grown to love.

Q. Mother diagnosing everyone (especially me!) with mental disorders: I’ve come back to my childhood home for winter break, and my mother has been declaring my every action a sign of mental illness. (My three siblings have all diagnosed with some form of mental illness; I am the only one who is not, and I have talked to several therapists.) I twitched my leg? A Tourette’s tic. I’m stressed out about a problem I’m having? Anxiety. She has also self-diagnosed herself with OCD.

It really irritates me to have my every thought or movement dissected like this, and she’s even started diagnosing the people I tell her about stories from college. I’ve asked her to stop multiple times, but she claims it’s her duty as a parent, and also mentioned one time that “figuring out what people have gives her sympathy for them.”

When I was younger, we really struggled to get my siblings diagnosed and she did a lot of research and work to make it possible for them to get help, but now she seems to think that I need that too when it’s very clear to others that I am doing fine. I don’t know how much more I can take. I go to college nearby and visit often so this is not something I can just wait out. What do I do?

A: If visiting less often is an option, I think that’s your best choice. If you absolutely have to go home, that’s one thing, but if you merely find it convenient or enjoy staying someplace with an in-unit washer and dryer, I think you should curtail your visits. You’ve tried setting a verbal limit with your mother and she’s ignored you, the best and most effective way to follow up with that is to back up your words with actions. “Mom, I’ve told you not to diagnose me; if you can’t stop, I’m going to have to leave.”

If for whatever reason you can’t limit your visits, you can still leave the room, go take a walk, call a trusted friend who’s able to listen to you vent about these bizarre attempts to play armchair psychiatrist. If, when you’re trying to tell her about a friend you’ve made in one of your classes, she insists on diagnosing them as well, you get to say: “Mom, I’ve asked you not to do this. I want to be able to tell you what’s going on in my life, but not if you’re going to treat stories about my friends like case studies.” If she can’t let up after that, then you stop telling her stories about your friends.

What your mother doing is sad and bizarre, and I’m so sorry you have to deal with this right now, but your best way forward is to set big, neon-flashing limits between yourself and this behavior. Don’t try to reason with her about it, or let her draw you into an argument about why it’s OK because she enjoys doing it. Just make it clear that you’re willing and able to spend time with her, to whatever degree she’s capable of honoring your simple request—if she can’t do that, then you’re going to hang up/leave the room/cut the story short and wait to try again later.

Q. Should you tell?: I recently went on a series of dates with a guy that I was really clicking with. However, when it got more intimate, he was terrible! It was like he had no idea what he was doing and he didn’t seem to show a lot of concern for how it was for me. We’re in our 30s and have both had multiple prior relationships. We have a dinner date tonight and I’m thinking of canceling and telling him the truth about why, as I think I’d want to know. Should I?

A: Sure! It would be one thing if he seemed unsure and you thought you guys could try again with some more explicit instructions and requests, but if you think he’s a mostly indifferent lover, then don’t waste your time trying to turn him into a conscientious one. Cancel the date, tell him you just weren’t feeling the physical connection, and move on.

Q. Re: My dog: I wish you had left off the first sentence of your advice to the truly former dog owner. The ex was extraordinarily generous to not only keep the dog, but to pay for and take care of a dog that needed expensive surgery that the LW only gave some cash for later on. The letter writer needs to put the needs of the dog, who is well-cared for and loved, first and move on now, not explore legal options.

A: That’s fair! This woman has put her time and pocketbook on the line repeatedly for the dog; if we were watching a heartwarming movie about the emotional rewards of pet ownership, we’d all be cheering for the original poster’s brother’s ex to keep the dog. The original poster should move on; it’s unlikely that they have legal rights to the dog, given that they apparently never registered or microchipped him, but frankly even if they do, they ceded the moral claim a long time ago.

Q. Reverse baby pressure: I am 40, my fiancé is 49. He wants kids more than me. When we first met I was 37, and I told him that I would be open to children, but only if it happened naturally, no intervention. He agreed. He also agreed to be the primary caretaker.

I out-earn him and had no desire to leave my job. Shortly after our engagement he accepted a job out on the West Coast, with the intent to do that job for a year and then move back to the East Coast. As a result of many factors beyond his control, it actually took him almost two years to get back. In that time not only have I aged, but I am up for a promotion at my job. The job he will work here has him traveling for two weeks out of the month.

I told him at this point that I did not think kids were in the cards. I have showed him all the pregnancy stats and the risks to me. I also told him I did not want to be pregnant until married, and since I was not going to be able to take time off from work, he would have to adjust his schedule as originally agreed. He says he cannot do that. He is angry at me for not taking time off from my job and thinks it’s my fault. Now he says he is questioning his decision to marry me. I have explained that I will try to get pregnant but it is unlikely.

I am furious. I feel like he is looking solely for an incubator for his child and that I mean nothing to him. He’s never cared for an infant, has no idea how much time it takes, and no idea how it affects a woman. He also knows realistically he would have a hard time at almost 50 years old going out and finding a woman who is significantly younger than him who wants kids, and not be used for money. What gives? I feel like I am in “bizarro” world—shouldn’t I be the one asking for the child?

A: There is no “bizarro” world; the idea that it’s the natural order of things for only women to want to have children and for all men to have to be cajoled into the idea is patently untrue. You both seem to have been relatively honest with one another at the outset, only for you both to assume the other would eventually come around to your way of thinking, and since then you’ve both dug your heels in and gone on to assume the other isn’t doing his or her fair share of the work of trying to meet halfway.

It’s not quite clear to me if your partner is upset you won’t take time off work for the actual pregnancy, or if he’s trying to change the terms of your initial agreement by suggesting you take on child care responsibilities, but either way, you’re absolutely right not to want to contemplate having kids with him. You two might benefit from couples’ counseling to reassess your mutual goals and figure out how to communicate with one another better, but I think you should continue to be clear that you’re not interested in getting pregnant on the terms that he’s offering, and that you’re in no position to change your mind as long as the two of you feel this at odds with one another.

Q. Re: Should I tell?: Am I the only one thinking that it’s super premature to write off a guy based on their first intimate experience together? Unless he did something outright abusive, a couple’s first time together can be awkward so it may be prudent to give him another shot.

A: If your bar for sleeping with someone a second time is “he wasn’t abusive,” then that’s your prerogative, but that’s an awfully low bar.

Q. How do you tell your boyfriend he’s in love with someone else?: My boyfriend of nine years landed a great job about a month and half ago following a several-year struggle with switching careers. This should have been a good turning point for both of us, but along with the new job came the realization that he would no longer be working with a woman he’d grown rather close to in his old role. Ever since then, he has been more irritable with me, very sensitive to what I say, and suddenly extremely concerned with problems we’ve had in our relationship for many years. He keeps trying to tell me she’s a symptom of our problems—not the problem—and yet he’s told me how much he cares about her several times. He’s had a couple of multihour conversations with her late at night, and even bought her a very expensive Christmas present. What do I do?

A: Address reality. You don’t need him to admit that he’s in love with her or agree with your perspective. The subject of your letter is “how do you tell your boyfriend he’s in love with someone else,” which suggests that you’re fairly convinced at this point that he’s not simply lost focus or temporarily infatuated. Tell him what you’ve seen: That ever since he stopped seeing her on a regular basis he’s irritable, hypersensitive, and newly focused on the problems in your relationship. Moreover, he’s in the same breath reiterating how much he cares for her while also claiming she doesn’t have much to do with the problems you two are experiencing.

Whether or not the two of them ever slept together, he’s had an emotional affair (that appears to be ongoing). It’s not up to him to say whether or not his relationship with her is a problem or merely a symptom, it’s a problem for you because your boyfriend is currently pouring the most, and the best, of his emotional energy into his relationship with her. If you think it’s worth trying to work through this, and he’s willing to stop seeing her, then you can certainly give it a try; if you think you have sufficient reason to end the relationship, then I think you should break up with him.

Q. My friend prefers my husband’s ex: My friend Javi, who I know through my husband, throws parties every year for his birthday, but he never invites us. We asked him about it and he said it was because Sonya, my husband’s ex-girlfriend, was invited and he didn’t want it to be awkward for her. I was offended by it and decided that as long as I wasn’t invited to his birthday celebrations, he was not getting a birthday gift. I believe that’s a natural consequence to leaving us out.

The problem is, he keeps buying us and our son gifts for our birthdays, which wouldn’t be a problem if it wasn’t because this year we didn’t throw any parties. He even gave one to my son for Christmas. Now the one feeling awkward is me.

A: It’s always deflating when someone isn’t slighting us as much as we wish they would so we could get well and properly mad at them, isn’t it? The way I see it, getting mad is a nonrenewable resource, and we should all try to save it up for instances where we can really enjoy ourselves.

Javi isn’t a super-close friend of yours, and he appears to have a pre-existing relationship with your husband’s ex; once a year he doesn’t invite you to his birthday party, but otherwise he sounds friendly, approachable, and interested in your happiness. I think you have a good opportunity to let this particular resentment go. Maybe Javi’s never going to be your best friend, but if he wants to send you and your son Christmas presents and occasionally go to the movies together, then I think you should accept his casual friendship. That doesn’t mean you have to start getting him presents for his birthday—lots of adults don’t buy other adults birthday presents—but encourage your son to write him a thank you note when he receives a gift, and be polite and friendly when you two run into one another.

Q. When to walk: I’ve been in a long-distance relationship for a few years now. We met when I lived in his country for work. We see each other about six times a year for a few weeks at a time. While I love him dearly, I’m starting to crumble without having an endgame in sight. I’ve talked to him about this and he’s adamant that he’ll propose when he’s ready and not a moment sooner, that he wants it to be a surprise, et cetera. I have told him it doesn’t need to be some big elaborate thing; I’m more concerned about being together. There are other things to consider, like the considerable time the visa will take, which we can’t expedite.

I don’t want to keep having this conversation to be met with a vague ‘we’ll get there.’ I shouldn’t have to beg to take the next step. I don’t know how much longer I’m willing to hold out for this. How do I communicate this more clearly without issuing an ultimatum? I’m at a loss.

A: Issue an ultimatum! Ultimatums get a bad rap, but I’m not suggesting you force him to jump through a lot of elaborate hoops in order to prove his love. You’ve told him repeatedly that you’re anxious about the future of your relationship, and that you’d like to enter into an engagement together as equal partners after having talked about what you both want. He’s heard you say that, and his response was, “No, I want to create an elaborate surprise at some non-specific future date.” That’s not going to work for you and is in fact expressly not what you want. If you don’t want to continue having vague conversations about “getting there” someday, then it’s incumbent upon you to make yourself extremely clear. “I don’t want to be surprised by a big, showy engagement. I want to be with you, and I want to start taking steps towards living together, but I’m not willing to continue in a relationship where you hold all the cards in terms of what we do next. This is a deal breaker for me. Are you willing to compromise on this?”

Mallory Ortberg: Thanks for chatting, everyone! Remember to register and microchip your pets.

If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.

Discuss this column with Dear Prudence on her Facebook page!

Citigold Checking : Earn 100k AAdvantage Miles or Thank You Points

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Earn $10 in Free Bitcoin With New Coinbase Accounts

by Tracy Banks @ Banklady.com

Coinbase is running a promotional offer if you’re looking to invest or become part of the new digital wallet revolution. While some experts say it’s a bad time to get in while Bitcoin has topped $10,000 USD some are saying the run on this bull has just begun. The offer is Free $10 in Bitcoin […]

Hawaii Hilton Grand Vacations Package (Discount for Attending Timeshare Presentation)

by Jonathan Ping @ My Money Blog

If you’re somewhere cold and dreaming of sunny Hawaiian beaches, I just got this e-mail from Hilton Grand Vacations for a discounted Hawaii vacation package if you attend their timeshare presentation. I appears to be open to all. Offer expires 2/28/18. 5 nights at a Hilton property in Honolulu (Oahu) or Waikoloa (Big Island) for […]

Speak Now

Speak Now

by Mallory Ortberg @ Slate Articles

Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week by signing up in the box below. Please send your questions for publication to prudence@slate.com. (Questions may be edited.)

Got a burning question for Prudie? She’ll be online here on Slate to chat with readers each Monday at noon. Submit your questions and comments here before or during the live discussion.

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I’m in a six-month relationship with an amazing guy. He’s kind, generous, funny, and supportive, and we click on all levels. He treats me better than any man who ever said he loved me—but he’s not ready to say it yet. I’ve said it already, and I don’t regret saying it because I know I mean it. He says he feels the same thing I do but isn’t ready to call it love—he wants to wait until we’re further down the line toward commitment before saying it. His only other relationship lasted for six years and ended badly, so he’s very cautious this time around. He also wants to wait until he knows where his job will be and where he’ll be living.

I know this is something you can’t force, but it’s really bothering me. I have absolutely no complaints about how he treats me. That’s why I want to tell him I love him practically all the time! But I have to hold back because I know not hearing it back will hurt. I also don’t understand why outside factors like where he’ll be living would influence how he feels about me in the first place. How do I process this and not fixate on it but allow myself to be happy with someone who clearly cares deeply about me, even if he can’t say the same words I do? And is there a time limit by which he should say it? I’m just so worried he’ll never say it at all.
—Three Little Words

This is such an individual thing that I’m almost reluctant to give you any advice more specific than “Do what you think is right for you.” Your boyfriend has made it clear that he’s not ready to say he loves you and he’s given you a number of reasons for that decision. Whether or not you think those reasons make sense, whether or not his decision can work for you, whether or not there’s a point at which you would need to hear “I love you” in return in order to continue your relationship, those are questions that only you can answer. There’s no one-size-fits-all time limit, no date by which all boyfriends have to say, “I love you,” or become loveless monsters.

I can say a few things with relative authority. I think your best way forward is to share your fears with your boyfriend. I think that “having no complaints” about how he treats you is not necessarily a reason to stay in a relationship if you decide it’s not working for you. I think that his previous romantic relationship may provide useful context for where he’s coming from but is ultimately irrelevant to how the two of you relate to one another. If you think it’s odd that he’s willing to say he all-but-loves you unless and until he gets a job lined up, then I don’t think you should try to convince yourself to stop “fixating” on it. I think you should pay attention to your own feelings, which matter every bit as much as his. That doesn’t mean you have to offer him an ultimatum tomorrow, but don’t spend too much time trying to convince yourself that it’s silly to care about hearing “I love you” in response. It matters to you. That’s important, and you should be honest about it, and see whether the two of you can work through this together. If you can’t, it doesn’t mean you threw away a good relationship for frivolous reasons.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I own a rental house down the street from my own residence. I rent it a bit below market with the understanding that tenants will be “easy.” The current tenants (a couple and their 8-year old) have been generally OK, if not the best I’ve ever had. However, I’ve recently heard from a few neighbors that “Tommy” is a terror at school and has bullied several neighborhood kids. They’ve hinted that I might do our local elementary school a favor if I didn’t renew their lease. (I am within my rights to do so; it ends in May, and I would give 60 days’ notice.) There are very few rentals in the local elementary school catchment area, so “Tommy” would likely end up at a different school next year were his family to move. My neighbors are nice people, and I doubt they are exaggerating—and they have always been welcoming to my tenants in the past. Any advice on how to handle this?
—Playground-Tenant Dispute

You have an opportunity here to not get involved in someone else’s parenting challenges, and I suggest you take it. If Tommy is causing problems at school with someone else’s children, then it’s up to the school and Tommy’s parents to address it. As long as Tommy’s parents are living up to their half of the rental agreement, there’s no reason for you to evict them based on secondhand information that their kid is a bully. Even if Tommy is in need of serious discipline, he’s also 8 years old.
Not to mention the fact that simply sending him to another school would do nothing to address his behavior! This is a situation that calls for some classic, old-fashioned butting out.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
About two years ago my parents separated and are now divorced. They both had affairs, and my dad left my mother for the woman he had an affair with. We’re still working on blending the families, but two of my siblings, one in particular, have refused to accept my dad’s fiancée. My brother has said that he will not budge until they break up. My dad says that he’s done appeasing my brother and has to stand up for his relationship. I’m worried that he’s about to torpedo his relationship with my brother, but I can hardly expect him to end his engagement. My brother steadfastly refused to go to my dad’s for Christmas and continues to reject any of my dad’s attempts to get them in the same room together. I don’t know how to talk to either of them anymore. How do I help keep my family from falling completely to pieces?
—Family Breakup

I know this isn’t the answer you were hoping to hear, and I know you’ve already had to deal with a lot of destabilizing new developments over the last couple of years, but your first and most important task is to resign from the job of “person responsible for keeping the family together.” Your family is still your family even if your parents get divorced, even if your brother and your father keep fighting, even if your brother and your father stop speaking to one another. I imagine that lately it feels like everything is out of your control and that your family is disintegrating, but as long as you make yourself responsible for keeping everyone together, you’re going to drive yourself crazy—not to mention set yourself up for failure.

Encourage your brother and your father to talk to one another, then let the subject drop. After that: Talk to your brother about any subject that isn’t your father. Talk to your father about any subject that isn’t your brother. Remind yourself, whenever the little anxiety engine in the back of your mind that whispers, “This family is dissolving into pieces and if you don’t do something right now, we’ll never be able to be a family again” starts to fire up again, that you cannot manage your father’s and your brother’s relationship for them, and that you will be OK no matter what happens between them.

Dear Prudence LIVE in San Francisco! See Mallory Ortberg and special guests on Jan. 25.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I grew up in far-from-privileged circumstances, but I typically got what I wanted, particularly away from home. Maybe I just had a way with the adults in my life, but I considered myself a hard worker who demonstrated persistence and determination. Yet, now that I’m a sophomore in college, I’ve been forced to reckon with the fact that my peers—who, in this setting, have more influence—aren’t as easily persuaded by my own persistent efforts to achieve a goal. Over the past year and a half, there have been a number of setbacks where I’ve felt powerless to alter the outcome, which I’m not used to. Could you give some advice on how a college student could adjust to this change and leverage it for future success?
—How to Adjust to Not Getting Your Way?

I think it’s probably worth developing a more nuanced attitude to failure for its own sake, not merely because you think it might result in future success. Part of the college experience—part of being a young adult regardless of whether you go to college or not—has to do with experiencing failures and setbacks, sometimes for the first time without familial aid. They’re often surprising, they’re generally unlooked-for, and they usually hurt. That’s not to say that you have to resign yourself to every failure that comes your way, or that there’s no value in persistence and determination—simply that figuring out how to deal with disappointments is an important component of becoming a well-rounded adult. I can’t promise you that learning to lose gracefully will ultimately become part of a strategy for future success. Silicon Valley promulgates a belief in eternally transformative failure, that every single failure brings one closer to a more thoroughly optimized outcome, and I don’t think that’s true. On any given day, in any given circumstance, there will be a number of things that are totally outside your control, and any number of outcomes you will be absolutely powerless to alter. Failure is inevitable, and therefore it’s important to figure out how to respond to each individual failure with relative equanimity—whether that leads to a later success or not. You can be a persistent, determined person, a hard worker, and any number of other positive attributes and still fail; it’s not a reckoning on your individual worth. Consider these current failures as good training for the rest of your life.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I have reconnected on social media with a former girlfriend, and she has become a very close friend. We dated briefly in our early 20s. It was an intense relationship that fell apart because we were both young and immature. I am now a middle-aged, divorced single dad; she is happily married with two daughters and lives several states away. The chemistry between us is unmistakable. She even came back to my area (alone) several months ago to visit family, and she invited me out for dinner and mentioned that her husband was in poor health. The remark about her husband’s health was only in passing. We didn’t have a whole conversation about that. But as you can tell, I put a whole lot of meaning into it. I can tell she has feelings for me. How strong, I don’t know, but she clearly loves her husband and their kids.

I am absolutely smitten with her. I think about her every day. We talk on social media maybe once a week or so. I don’t want to break up her family or even sow any hint of trouble there, so I haven’t told her how I feel. On the other hand, it is hard to think seriously of anyone else romantically—just in case something happens in her husband’s life. And I feel like total shit for even thinking that. If I break off contact with her, I lose a good friend. And how do I do that? And what do I say to our mutual friends? I know I am in a destructive pattern, but I don’t know what to do.
—Can’t Extinguish Old Flame

This is the sort of thinking that can quickly spiral out of control in a closed environment like the inside of your own head. The next time you find yourself obsessing over your ex, I think it might be helpful to counter some of your fantasies with reality.

Fantasy: She mentioned that her husband’s health isn’t great! Maybe he’s going to die soon, and the two of us can get back together, and I’ll be 22 again.

Reality: My ex clearly loves her husband and her kids. I know that she’s happily married. I will never be 22 again. I am middle-aged and divorced and have to deal with the complicated feelings that engenders within me. We had dinner once a few months ago. Now we talk about once a week and there seems to be some sort of charge between us that, while pleasant, does not incline her to express a wish to leave her family to be with me. The fact that I think about her every day has more to do with me than it does with her.

You don’t have to say anything to your mutual friends, because there’s nothing going on, aside from a rekindled friendship that may or may not carry a slightly flirtatious vibe. (I’m inclined to take your claim that you “can tell” she has feelings for you with a grain of salt, not because I don’t think she likes you, but because you’re clearly bringing a lot more intensity to the table than she is.) I get where you’re coming from! This is a woman you have an intense, albeit brief, romantic history with, who’s re-entered your life during a time when you’ve been feeling a little adrift, and you’ve been reminded of all the reasons you connected with her in the first place. But if you’re having trouble putting her out of your mind to such an extent that you’re not able to go on dates or focus on your own life, then I recommend you see a counselor and spend some time figuring out why you’re so fixated on this ex in particular. That’s a healthier and more productive strategy than hoping your ex’s husband dies in the next year or two, then feeling guilty about it.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I recently decided to try a little light bondage with my boyfriend of just over a year. I stripped down, put on a blindfold, and let him tie me to the bed. Then I waited. And waited. Finally, I pushed off the blindfold (it was very light bondage!) and saw that I was all alone. I found him in the living room and asked what was wrong. He said nothing was wrong—he just wanted to see how long I would lie there. I called him a jerk, and we got into an argument. He said it was just a joke and that I should lighten up, but I’m still angry. Am I making too big a deal out of this?
—Unbound in New York

That move goes in the Bad (Ex-)Boyfriend Hall of Fame. The fact that he wants to call it a joke doesn’t mean you don’t get to feel angry and hurt about it, or ask him why he decided to make a joke out of your sex life or why he thought it would be funny to leave you alone, confused, bound, and vulnerable. Calling something “just a joke” is not the get-out-of-jail-free card some people think it is. The fact that he hasn’t apologized and doesn’t seem especially interested in how it made you feel says a lot about what you can expect from him in the future.

Discuss this column with Dear Prudence on her Facebook page!

More Dear Prudence

Net Neutered: Prudie counsels a couple who don’t allow their guests to access Facebook while staying in their vacation home.

Singular Assault: Prudie advises a letter writer who was once sexually assaulted by their current partner.

Due Date: My roommate’s jobless sister can’t keep sleeping on the couch after her baby is born.

Very Suggestive Texts: Prudie counsels a letter writer who is trying to protect her marriage after acting on a crush at a company holiday party.

In Love With a Truther: Prudie advises a letter writer who’s dating “a really great guy” who happens to think 9/11 was an inside job.

Fear in the Family: I’m afraid of my teenage stepson.

Not an Act: Prudie advises a letter writer who constantly gets questioned about her disability.

Indelibly Om: Prudie counsels a letter writer who regrets getting a tattoo she now regards as culturally insensitive.

Free 8×10 Photo Print From CVS Stores

by JJ @ DansDeals.com

Free 8×10 Photo Print From CVS Stores The link may not work on mobile browsers unless you click “request desktop site” in your mobile browser’s menu. Create or login to your account, upload a photo, and use the following code to make an 8×10 glossy print free: VALPRINT You can pick it up in any […]

Discover Card + Amazon 1-Click $10 Promotion

by Jonathan Ping @ My Money Blog

Updated. It looks like this offer is back as of February 2017. I was able to get another $10 credit even though I already got the previous $10 credit back in September even though a Discover card was already my default 1-click payment method. Of course, before clicking on the promo link below, I did […]

IHG PointBreaks List: April 24th – July 31st

by takeoffwithmiles @ Takeoff With Miles

IHG has updated the list of PointBreaks hotels. IHG Rewards club members can book these hotels for just 5,000 points/night for stays between Apr 24,2017 and Jul 31, 2017 You can buy 5,000 points for $35 by following the steps in this post IHG PointBreaks . You can also buy IHG points the conventional way or transfer Chase Ultimate Rewards ...

The post IHG PointBreaks List: April 24th – July 31st appeared first on Takeoff With Miles.

Chase Bank $200 Checking Bonus [Many States]

by Danny Nguyen @ Bank Deal Guy

Ranking as one of the top banks in America, you are making the right choice banking with Chase! Opening a new Chase Total Checking® Account offers you the potential to earn a $200 Checking Bonus by applying in-branch ! With over 5,100 branches in AZ, CA, CO, CT, DC, FL, GA, ID, IL, IN, KY, LA, MA,... Read More →

The post Chase Bank $200 Checking Bonus [Many States] appeared first on Bank Deal Guy.

How I Saved the Christmas Pageant

How I Saved the Christmas Pageant

by Catherine Trieschmann @ Slate Articles

It is an unspoken ecumenical truth that all Christmas pageants suck. That’s why, for many years, I avoided any involvement in the pageant at the Methodist church we attend in our small Kansas town. I can pinpoint the exact moment when that changed. It was when a bathrobed third-grader recited the worst line in the history of theater.

Five years ago, during a particularly uninspired pageant, we reached the scene in which the Angel of the Lord appeared to the shepherds, announcing, “Greetings! I bring you tidings of good news!”

In response, a shepherd replied, “Good news? You want some good news? My dad just saved money on his car insurance!”

The offense did not end there. To make matters worse, the congregation laughed. The third-grade shepherd grinned a sly grin and stuck that good feeling in his back pocket. Now, for the rest of his sweet life, he would never know the difference between a cheap laugh and a real one. It would have been unethical of me not to take action.

I’m a playwright. Not a famous one, but a working one, with productions in theaters around the country. When I try to explain my career to people in town, they usually think I’m making it up—the idea of someone working in professional theater seems as unlikely as voting for a Democrat. So it hasn’t been difficult to hide my bona fides from the school- and church-theater contingent who will eat your time like piranhas if you hint at any experience hanging lights. It’s hard enough to hustle up paid work in the theater; the last thing I wanted to do was give it away for free. But this car-insurance quip crossed a line for me. Clearly, I had a moral duty to teach the children of my town how to cross stage left, speak into a microphone, and land a joke that wouldn’t make them feel dirty in the morning.

The next December, I took full responsibility for the Christmas play: writing, direction, and design. First, I threw out the script. I kept the main players—Jesus, Mary, and Joseph—but axed the shepherds and wise men. Little boys and girls dressed as shepherds look ridiculous, and while the wise men do have an interesting story, the subplot about Herod murdering all the babies in Bethlehem would entail too much bloodwork for my first year.

I also nixed the “Biblical times” costumes the church stores in the basement. I know the women who made these costumes in the 1970s spent a lot of time on them, but I wanted an aesthetic that was a little more symbolic—Godspell, not Jesus Christ Superstar. Mary would look like a modern preteen with patched-up jeans and Taylor Swift T-shirt, someone wholly unprepared to give birth. I wanted Joseph to look like a drummer in a band, a little stoned but accepting of the unexpected, like Keanu Reeves in Bill and Ted’s.

I kept the story simple yet tried to make it feel a little surprising: The kids would try to retell the story of the birth of Jesus but would keep getting the details wrong and have to go back to the beginning. They’d argue the finer points and re-enact the story as they went along—Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf meets A Charlie Brown Christmas. Postmodern, but orthodox.

Creative differences emerged immediately. The director of children’s ministry had this notion that we should cast children based on age and participation rather than talent. Given that most of the kids couldn’t sing, dance, act, project, or enunciate, it was imperative that we showcase those who possessed one (or, dare I hope, more?) of these skills. Our biggest fight occurred over the preschoolers. As soon as one peed his pants at the first rehearsal, I wanted to fire them en masse. Mrs. Children’s Ministry insisted they were too cute to fire. I told her that I, as auteur, had final veto power. That’s how it works in professional theater! Mrs. Children’s Ministry informed me things work differently in church.

I rewrote the play so the preschoolers only appeared in the first scene.

Staging was difficult, as each one of the under-rehearsed and hyperactive kids had to deliver her lines into one of four standing microphones because a local radio station broadcasts our church’s services for the infirm, the elderly, and truck drivers passing through on I-70. Precious rehearsal time was spent on these mikes: getting them to work, adjusting them for actor height, and, most of all, instructing the kids never to lick them under any circumstances. It didn’t help that the experienced broadcaster who ran the soundboard for the church could no longer hear very well.

We didn’t have much rehearsal time to spare, because none of the actors could ever find an hour free in their busy schedules. What happened to all the stage mothers? Aren’t there still women who want to vicariously luxuriate in the limelight through their children? Give me Mama Rose any day of the week! These parents just didn’t care. They excused their children from rehearsal for visiting grandparents, for a worrisome cough—but mainly for sports. We had six rehearsals. Six! For a play meant to be an offering to God, the creator of the universe! And you want Jalen to miss dress rehearsal for basketball practice?

Practice. Not even a game.

On the day of the show, the kids, giddy with excitement, blew their entrance. They ran to the altar in one big jumble. They settled down after “Rudolph”—which has no place in a Christmas pageant but was one of the few songs all the kids knew—and once the dialogue kicked in, they really found their groove. My child’s lines went over like gangbusters—giving your kid the biggest laughs is the best perk of the job—and I was starting to feel pretty smug about professionalizing this little community venture. Until Molly took her turn at the microphone.

Dressed to the nines as an angel, pigtailed, chubby-cheeked Molly stepped forward, shaking with a bad case of stage fright. Her face flushed, her chest heaved, and with tears streaming down her face, she quickly muttered her line: “For unto you is born this day in the City of David, a savior who will be Christ the Lord.” Then she let out a huge sigh of relief into the microphone, like a balloon slowly deflating but loudly amplified throughout the sanctuary by the hard-of-hearing sound engineer.

And in that moment, my inner Corky St. Clair melted away and gratitude rushed in: gratitude for Molly and how she rose to the occasion; for all the parents who schlepped their kids to play practice; even for the director of children’s ministry who put the kids and their needs first. And yes, for theater—because even when it’s bad, it can be so good for those doing it.

Since then, we’ve told the story of the Nativity from the perspective of the wise men and the stars in the sky over Bethlehem. I’ve dressed my kid in drag to play King Herod; I’ve even put the third-graders back into the shepherds’ bathrobes as a nod to pageants past. This year, the pageant’s central character was the innkeeper who turned Mary and Joseph away. I highlighted this moment in the story to explore how we treat immigrants and refugees, people who don’t look like us or talk like us, but whom Jesus tells us to welcome anyway.

Every one of the 46 kids got a moment to shine, and they all truly understood the play’s message. Maybe some members of the congregation did, too.

Gender Discrimination at Work Is All Too Real, With 42 Percent of Women Experiencing It

Gender Discrimination at Work Is All Too Real, With 42 Percent of Women Experiencing It

by Alieza Durana @ Slate Articles

Think problems in the workplace are limited to sexual harassment? Think again. New data from a nationally representative Pew Research Center survey out Thursday show upward of 4 out of 10 employed women report experiencing at least one kind of gender discrimination, not including sexual harassment, at work. A separate question found 22 percent of women have experienced sexual harassment in the workplace. The findings are especially significant because the survey was conducted between July and August of 2017, months before reports of sexual harassment and abuse across industries could have impacted perceptions of the questions.

The survey asked both men and women to report whether a series of incidents had happened to them because of their gender, including whether they had earned less than a woman/man doing the same job; were treated as if they were not competent; experienced repeated, small slights at work; been passed over for the most important assignments; felt isolated in the workplace; or been denied a promotion.

Black women were more likely to report at least one kind of gender discrimination (52 percent) than women who were white or Hispanic (40 percent for each). Perhaps the most surprising finding in the survey is that less educated women are less likely to report experiencing gender discrimination than their more educated peers (those with bachelor’s degrees and more): “Roughly three-in-ten working women with a postgraduate degree (29%) say they have experienced repeated small slights at work because of their gender, compared with 18% with a bachelor’s degree and 12% (of women) with less education.”

This finding seems counter to recent reports emphasizing high rates of harassment and workplace abuse in the lowest paid professions where the least educated women have very few labor protections. A 2014 report from the National Women’s Law Center suggests the 17 million women in low-wage jobs are especially vulnerable to harassment by low-level supervisors. One might guess this high vulnerability to abuse would be correlated with overall gender discrimination.

However, the lowest educated and lowest wage women are concentrated in “feminized” pink-collar jobs. They are overrepresented as child care providers, maids and housekeepers, home health aides, personal care aides, cashiers, and in food service. A side effect of this concentration: There may just be fewer men around to discriminate against women in “feminized” professions or for women to have other professional experiences to compare it to. Kim Parker, director of social trends research at Pew and a co-author of the report, notes that other studies have shown women in female-dominated workplaces don’t experience the same rates of discrimination as those in male-dominated workplaces.

Increased levels of education (and discrimination) may have more to do with different perceptions of discriminatory experiences at work. Women might learn about discrimination (as a concept) through higher education and secondly, believe that by getting an education, they should be able to overcome any barriers that exist in today's society. In other words, whether women consider discriminatory behavior like getting passed over for a big assignment to be normal or to be discrimination may vary by level of education.

But Parker wants to ensure that this question of perception does not mean we should assume the discrimination some respondents report isn’t happening, just because they’re more likely to report it than less educated peers. According to Parker, for more educated women, “There’s probably a greater level of awareness about these types of experiences, what they mean, and the broader conversation around gender and work.”

In addition, the structure of low-wage versus high-wage work might affect knowledge of discrimination: High turnover and income volatility might make it harder for workers to know things like whether their income is the same or less than that of co-workers of a different gender. Data from the Urban Institute show that “40 percent of low-income, working-age adults have household income that spikes or dips in at least six months of the year,” probably reflecting job instability. It’s possible that discrimination is more noticeable the longer you're in a job, up for promotions, and exposed to hierarchy in the workplace, which is increasingly limited to higher-wage work. Women with more education may have a leg up on learning about salary differentials, or other less visible forms of discrimination.

As for the sizable racial differences in whether they say they’ve experienced: In particular, while more than 1 in 5 black women say they’ve been passed over for the most important assignments because of their gender, less than half that number of white and Hispanic women report this experience. These claims bolster other findings reflecting worse incidences of most kinds of gender inequalities for black women compared with women as a whole (according to the NWLC, while women over all make about 80 cents to the dollar men make, black women make just 63 cents).

The study’s findings on sexual harassment are also somewhat low, just 22 percent of women and 7 percent of men, compared with other recent polls, though that may be due to the question design and the survey’s pre-Weinstein timeline. But in a different study that breaks down that harassment question to ask respondents about whether they’ve experienced more specific behaviors, such as “unwanted sexual attention,” that number goes up to 40 percent of women reporting harassment.

Parker says the number of men who reported experiencing one of the eight kinds of gender discrimination in the survey (22 percent) is similar to other studies on the question. She points to an October study from Pew that showed a significant portion of men, mostly white men, believe that women are getting preferential treatment in hiring, pay, and promotion. But, according to Parker, women respondents to the survey released today were more likely to have experienced more than one of the kinds of discrimination than men. “Among men who say they’ve experienced at least one of the eight forms of discrimination we asked about, 56% have experienced one and 44% have experienced two or more. Among women who say they’ve experienced at least one of the eight forms of discrimination we asked about, 37% have experienced one and 63% have experienced two or more.”

In the context of our #MeToo moment, they’re helpful in confirming what many have suspected: Sexual harassment and misconduct are happening in the context of larger patterns of behavior that create discriminatory and sexist work environments.

British Airways Visa Signature Card 75,000 Avios Bonus + 3 Avios for Every $1 Spent on British Airways Purchases

by Anthony Nguyen @ Bank Deal Guy

Compare this card with other travel related cards here. The British Airways Visa Signature® Card is offering a chance to earn up to 75,000 bonus Avios. Earn 50,000 bonus Avios after you spend $3,000 on purchases within the first 3 months of account opening. Plus, earn an additional 25,000 bonus Avios after you spend $10,000 on purchases within your first year of account... Read More →

The post British Airways Visa Signature Card 75,000 Avios Bonus + 3 Avios for Every $1 Spent on British Airways Purchases appeared first on Bank Deal Guy.

$150 Checking Bonus at First Tennessee Bank

by CashBonusMoney @ Cash Bonus Money

Get $150 checking bonus when open a new First Tennessee Bank checking account by April 30, 2018. You will need to make opening account of $300 and direct deposit as qualification merit. How do you get the $150 checking bonus promotion at First Tennessee Bank? You must open the checking account online here. If you unable to […]

Where Yinz At

Where Yinz At

by Matthew J.X. Malady @ Slate Articles

This month, Slate is republishing some of our favorite stories. Here’s today’s selection: Matthew J.X. Malady’s Good Word columns were a delight for dedicated linguists and word dabblers alike. This one from 2014 shed light on the verbal complexities and fascinations of Pennsylvania. Plus, Natalie Matthews-Ramo’s delightful illustrations will have you speaking like a Keystone State native in no time. —Abby McIntyre

The 4 hour and 46 minute drive from Philadelphia to Pittsburgh is marked by several things: barns, oddly timed roadwork projects, four tunnels that lend themselves to breath-holding competitions, turnpike rest stops featuring heat-lamped Sbarro slices and overly goopy Cinnabon. But perhaps the most noteworthy—and useful—hallmark of that road trip is all the bumper stickers that one spies along the way.

From Center City Philly to about Reamstown, it’s all Eagles and Phillies and Flyers stickers. Then there’s a 150-mile stretch of road where anything goes. Penn State paraphernalia, Jesus fish, and stickers about deer hunting mix with every other form of car commentary to create a hodgepodge that predominates until about Bedford. From there, it really is all Steelers stuff. And for those who make this drive fairly often, that bumper sticker progression serves as an old-school GPS. Of course, you’ll also spot stickers referencing cheesesteak lingo, as well as those emblazoned with “N’AT,” on this trip. And if you’re from out of state and decide to rest-stop query the owner of a car bearing one of those stickers, within the first few words of that person’s spoken response you’ll realize why linguists love the Keystone State.

Pennsylvania, in case yinz didn’t know, is a regional dialect hotbed nonpareil. A typical state maintains two or three distinct, comprehensive dialects within its borders. Pennsylvania boasts five, each consisting of unique pronunciation, vocabulary, and grammar elements. Of course, three of the five kind of get the shaft—sorry Erie, and no offense, Pennsylvania Dutch Country—because by far the most widely recognized Pennsylvania regional dialects are those associated with Philadelphia and Pittsburgh.

The Philadelphia dialect features a focused avoidance of the “th” sound, the swallowing of the L in lots of words, and wooder instead of water, among a zillion other things. In Pittsburgh, it’s dahntahn for downtown, and words like nebby and jagoff and yinz. But, really, attempting to describe zany regional dialects using written words is a fool’s errand. To get some sense of how Philadelphians talk, check out this crash course clip created by Sean Monahan, who was raised in Bucks County speaking with a heavy Philly accent. Then hit the “click below” buttons on the website for these Yappin’ Yinzers dolls to get the Pittsburgh side of things, and watch this Kroll Show clip to experience a Pennsylvania dialect duel.

According to Barbara Johnstone, a professor of English and linguistics at Carnegie Mellon University, migration patterns and geography deserve much of the credit (or blame) for the variety of speech quirks on display in Pennsylvania. A horizontal dialect boundary that roughly traces Interstate 80 spans the length of the state. The speech and vocabulary of those living north of that line of demarcation, she says, were influenced by those who migrated into the U.S. through Boston mainly from the south of England. “Whereas the people in the rest of Pennsylvania below that tended to come to the U.S. from Northern England and arrived in Philadelphia and other places along the Delaware Valley,” Johnstone says. “They came from Northern England and Scotland and Northern Ireland.”

Those living north of I-80 have historically used different words for certain things than those living in the southern half of Pennsylvania—pail vs. bucket, for instance. And the pronunciation of various vowel sounds north of the boundary doesn’t align with how those vowels are pronounced in other parts of the state. “Rot can sound, to south-of-I-80 ears, like rat,” she adds, “or bus, like boss.”

Settlement in western Pennsylvania began to pick up around the time of the American Revolution, and those who set down roots in the area—predominantly Scotch-Irish families, followed by immigrants from Poland and other parts of Europe—tended to stay put as a result of the Allegheny Mountains, which bisect the state diagonally from northeast to southwest. “The Pittsburgh area was sort of isolated,” says Johnstone. “It was very hard to get back and forth across the mountains. There’s always been a sense that Pittsburgh was kind of a place unto itself—not really southern, not really Midwestern, not really part of Pennsylvania. People just didn’t move very much.”

The result was a scenario in which—with some exceptions, such as the transfer of the word hoagie from Philly to Pittsburgh—the two dialects could develop and grow independently. Fast-forward 250 years or so, and people from Pittsburgh are talking about “gettin’ off the caach and gone dahntawn on the trawly to see the fahrworks for the Fourth a July hawliday n’at,” while Philadelphia folks provide linguistic gems like the one Monahan offered up as the most Philly sentence possible: “Yo Antny, when you’re done your glass of wooder, wanna get a hoagie on Thirdyfish Street awn da way over to Moik’s for de Iggles game?”

He deciphered the easy elements—like “Antny” (Anthony), “hoagie” (submarine sandwich), “Iggles” (the Philadelphia Eagles)—before transitioning to the more upper-level material. “We have this very unusual grammar quirk with the word done,” Monahan explains. “When you say ‘I’m done’ something, it means the task is done. The rest of the country would say ‘I’m done with my water.’ But if I say ‘I’m done with my water’ in Philadelphia, that would mean I’ve had some, and I don’t want to finish the rest. If I say ‘I’m done my water,’ that means I’ve drunk all of it. They mean two different things.” 

That’s not really the case anywhere else in the country. There also aren’t many places, he adds, where people refer to someone named Mike as “Moik” in conversation. “That ‘oi’ is what I would call the defining Philadelphia sound in the way that the Philly accent is today,” Monahan says. As for “Thirdyfish Street”? That’s “Thirty-fifth Street” to you and me. Philadelphians often replace “th”s in words with other sounds, though, and “everything just winds up getting all blurred together.”   

According to University of Pennsylvania linguistics professor William Labov, the Philly dialect represents a tug of war between the city’s connections to, and influences from, different parts of the country. “I think Philadelphia is torn between its northern and southern heritage,” he says. The result is a regional dialect that combines many influences to form a one-of-a-kind manner of speaking. And, he adds, it’s a way of speaking that has become a source of pride for many residents. Labov is currently working on a project at Penn that involves interviewing students who have graduated from Philadelphia high schools to determine their perceptions about Philly. “Most are very positive about the city and see themselves staying in Philadelphia,” he says. “As far as the dialect is concerned, only a few points have become self-conscious. For most of Philadelphia, the general attitude is quite positive.”

Across the state, in western Pennsylvania, Pittsburghese has developed over time into a badge of honor for locals—something akin to a spoken symbol of blue-collar toughness and tradition. Notoriety on the dialect front gained steam when linguists began visiting the area in the 1930s and ’40s, providing scholarly support for the notion that Pittsburghers had developed a unique way of talking. Around the same time, Johnstone says, interactions between those from Pittsburgh and people from other parts of the country during World War II resulted in a more broad recognition of the phenomenon. Things really picked up during the 1960s, as more linguists focused on the region and newspapers began running pieces on elements of the dialect. The publication of Sam McCool’s New Pittsburghese: How to Speak Like a Pittsburgher in the 1980s represented the first time that someone had detailed for a mass audience the sounds and words that make up the dialect, and it provided thousands of displaced Pittsburghers a way to reconnect with their home town. (Many of them moved to other states when the local economy tanked.) The widespread use of personal computers during the years that followed meant that people all over the world could discuss Pittsburghese at any time, and the topic now garners more attention than ever.

But as the national and international buzz about the distinctiveness of both accents increased, so did the number of young people from the state’s two largest cities who decided to attend college far away from home. As familiarity with various unique elements of Pennsylvania’s dialects reached an all-time high, the influence of those dialects on younger generations was challenged.    

“You learn really fast when you first show up [to college], because, particularly if you’re a freshman, you’re an undergraduate, you’re the new kid on the block and you don’t want to stick out,” says American University linguistics professor Naomi Baron. “If you look at the history of broadcasting in this country, when broadcasting went national, one of the things that happened is there were handbooks written for national radio broadcasters on how to eliminate the regionalisms from their speech so that they would be understood across the country. And in a sense that’s what a lot of people do when they come to college today. They drop what they assume are going to be the regionalisms.”

Pittsburgh native and nj.com sportswriter Dom Cosentino is one of those who left the Steel City for an out-of-town college. That school, La Salle University, also just happened to be in Philly. It was a rude awakening. “I had no clue about any of it—that Pittsburgh people even talk a certain way—until I moved away,” he says. “Almost immediately I noticed I talked differently, and I noticed other people talked differently. They would kind of make fun of the way I talked, or the way I’d say certain words—I was calling my ‘mawm’ instead of my ‘mom,’ and that kind of thing.” In a very short period of time, Cosentino says, he went from being “Dawm” to “Dom.” “I wouldn’t say that I went to a full-on Philadelphia accent, but it wasn’t long before I was coming back to Pittsburgh and my friends were sort of making fun of the fact that I didn’t talk like I was from Pittsburgh much anymore.”

Baron sees that same scenario play out year after year on campus, with the net impact being thousands of dropped accents. Of course, some regional language quirks may return if and when students move back to their hometowns after college. But many won’t. So, extrapolating over the course of 20 or 50 or 100 years, does that mean the Philly and Pittsburgh dialects are destined to disappear? And will our contemporary propensity to communicate via text rather than speech speed that decline?

First, the good news: According to Baron, who is the author of Always On: Language in an Online and Mobile World, all the time we spend emailing and texting and tweeting and IMing doesn’t portend the downfall of distinctive regional dialects. She has been teaching for a “number of years, including pre-personal computers and post, and before all the new technologies that have come in the last five to 10 years,” Baron says. “And what’s really clear to me is that the technologies aren’t having any influence at all on dialects.”  

We may speak less to one another these days, but when we do speak, Baron says, we talk pretty much as we have in the past. And those conversations are now more likely to occur in environments that are welcoming of accents and strange names for things and unusual pronunciations. “As the world gets more internationalized in so many ways, we don’t notice things like accents the way we used to,” Baron says. “Day to day, we see so many people who speak so many versions of English. We don’t judge people nearly as much, and therefore people are free to speak the way they have spoken, including with regional accents and dialects.”

A March New York Times piece titled “The Sound of Philadelphia Fades Out” appears to serve as a wet blanket to Baron’s optimism about the persistence of regional dialects. The article cited a 2013 University of Pennsylvania study for the proposition that “the Philly sound is conforming more and more with the mainstream of Northern accents.”

But if you talk to William Labov, who co-authored the study, you’ll get a decidedly less fatalistic perspective on the trajectory of the dialect. He refers to analysis of sound and speech changes as “a game of musical chairs,” and suggests that making broad pronouncements based on shifts in one element of a dialect is probably not a good idea. “Philadelphia is maintaining its local dialect, and developing in new directions,” Labov notes. “I would say that the dialect is in pretty good shape.” Monahan agrees. He says the Times piece is too simplistic in its summation of the linguistics involved. “Certain vowels are getting less strong over time,” he notes, but “others are getting stronger.”

Johnstone is quick to point out that the Pittsburgh dialect—and how people perceive it—is constantly evolving. She notes the increased national attention garnered by the word jagoff during the past few years (“If you’re an outsider, you don’t know whether or not it’s obscene”), and the development of the “yinzer” persona as a common stereotype. “It seems to be getting used for a particular kind of working class person—male or female, but usually male—who is kind of loudmouthed and maybe not quite so smart and has all the stereotypical characteristics of Pittsburgh: has never moved away from home, loves the Steelers, loves to party, likes to drink beer,” says Johnstone, adding that widespread use of the term only really began around 2000. “It’s both negative and positive. It’s both mocking and also something that people orient to.”

Twenty years from now, though, yinzer might be used to describe someone who has moved away from Pittsburgh, and by 2040 “Thirdyfish Street” may have morphed into “Thirfistree.” This year’s jagoff may be next year’s gutcheez. Or, as Johnstone notes, all those words could fall out of use altogether. The history of language tells us that almost nothing remains static or lasts forever. “It’s a fact about language. This process has been going on forever. What happens is that there are new ways of speaking that develop.”

And, according to Labov, those new ways of speaking will give us new things to fixate on and gab about. As we grow familiar with certain publicized hallmarks of a given dialect, those elements tend to dissipate, only to be replaced by other unique language strains that often show some connection to what came before. “When people become aware of particular sounds, it’s like throwing a monkey wrench into a car,” Labov says. “It’s going to bang up part of it, but the rest of it will go on its own way. And the car runs.”

How to redeem your card's cash back reward

How to redeem your card's cash back reward


CreditCards.com

Increasingly, it's your choice of check, prepaid card or statement credit

Wells Fargo 1/16 Rule is Actually 1/15 – One Bonus in 15 Month

by travelinpoints @ TravelinPoints

Well Fargo, like many other banks, has anti-churning rules, with the most notable one being 1/16 which stated “If you opened a Wells Fargo credit card within the last 16 months, you will not qualify for the introductory rate(s), fees and bonus offers.”  Actually, in terms and condition “15 month” language…

The 6 Best Small Business Checking Accounts for 2018

The 6 Best Small Business Checking Accounts for 2018


Fit Small Business

There are a lot of factors to consider when choosing the best small business checking account, including costs, terms, and physical locations. Take a look at how the best checking accounts compare for small businesses.

Free Tickets New York Times Travel Show 2018 in New York City Jan 26 – 28

Free Tickets New York Times Travel Show 2018 in New York City Jan 26 – 28

by TheRewardBoss @ The Reward Boss

New York Times Travel Show 2018 1/19/18 UPDATE: Free tickets are gone but I've listed discounted ticket options below. Enjoy the tickets if you got one — please let me know what you liked best about the show in the comments (yes, I like reading those comments!) I've got free tickets for my readers again…

The post Free Tickets New York Times Travel Show 2018 in New York City Jan 26 – 28 appeared first on The Reward Boss.

Best of Banking Promotions for February 2018

by CashBonusMoney @ Cash Bonus Money

Banks are vying for your business with many financial institutions experiencing a decrease in profits. Banking promotions and bonuses are available from a wide variety of local banks and national banks. So instead of just offering perks just as no fees, free checking, or free check card when you sign up for an account, banking promotions […]

BBVA Compass Bank 12-Month Certificate of Deposit Account: Earn 1.50% APY [Nationwide]

by Danny Nguyen @ Bank Deal Guy

Available nationwide, you can earn 1.50% APY when you open up a new 12-Month CD Account with BBVA Compass Bank! Below is all the information and details you need to open your BBVA Compass Bank 12-Month Certificate of Deposit Account to earn 1.50% APY! Editor’s Note: See our full list of BBVA Compass Bank Deals, Bonuses, Rates, and Promotions. BBVA Compass Bank... Read More →

The post BBVA Compass Bank 12-Month Certificate of Deposit Account: Earn 1.50% APY [Nationwide] appeared first on Bank Deal Guy.

2 Boxes Of Designer Checks for $8.95 Shipped From 4Checks

by Dan @ Banking – DansDeals.com

4Checks Offer Linky Step 1: Find a check style that you like and enter the following offer code on the product page and click “update pricing”: DB4381   Choose from over 800 styles of checks and get 2 boxes for just $8.95 shipped or 4 boxes are $19.80 shipped with that code.  This code is […]

Capital One 360 Checking Review And Current Promotions

by Tony Phan @ Bank Bonus Guy

The Capital One 360 Checking is the online checking account option offered by Capital One bank. Because it is an online bank, anyone in the United States can apply. It has gained popularity due to it being fee-free and it’s actually an interest-earning checking account. Capital One 360 Checking review highlights: Current interest rates Account […]

Which Southwest Credit Card is Right for You?

by feedback@creditdonkey.com (Anna G) @ CreditDonkey Reviews

Fly Southwest? You may want to consider a Southwest credit card from Chase. But which one is right for you? We break it down.

Southwest offers a couple of the best airline cards for domestic travelers.

If you fly Southwest at least a couple of times a year, consider one of the two co-branded credit cards offered by Chase: Southwest Rapid Rewards Plus and Southwest Rapid Rewards Premier.

Both cards offer a high sign-up bonus and good reward potential. The Plus has a lower annual fee but is not ideal for international travel. The Premier is the more upscale version with slightly better rewards.

Which makes more sense?

We'll do a full run-down comparing the two cards, so you can make your own choice.

Overview: Southwest Plus and Southwest Premier

Before we start comparing, let's go over how the two cards work in a nutshell. Both cards give you the same sign-up bonus and reward points. There are a couple of major differences:

  • The Southwest Plus card has a $69 annual fee. You get 3,000 bonus points each anniversary year. There is a foreign transaction fee.

  • The Southwest Premier card has a $99 annual fee. You get 6,000 bonus points each anniversary year and earn points toward elite tiers. There is no foreign transaction fee.

Now, with these major differences in mind, let's go over why you may prefer one over the other.

Note: Chase has a 5/24 rule, which means that if you've opened 5 credit card accounts in the past 24 months (from any bank), you will not be approved for a new card. The Southwest cards fall under this rule.

Why Either Card Is a Good Choice

Both cards are designed to earn Rapid Reward points, which can then be redeemed for Southwest award flights (more detail in the next section). With both Southwest cards, you get:

  • Sign-up bonus. You can earn 50,000 points after you spend $2,000 on purchases in the first 3 months of account opening.

  • 2x on Southwest purchases. You get 2 points per dollar spent on Southwest purchases, including participating Rapid Rewards hotel and car rental partner purchases. You get 1x per dollar on all other purchases.

  • Points for balance transfers. You get 1 point for each $1 in balance transfers made within the first 90 days of account opening (up to $10,000 for the Plus, and $15,000 for the Premier). Most credit cards don't let you earn points for balance transfers.

  • Earn points toward Unlimited Companion Pass. If you earn 110,000 Rapid Reward points in one calendar year, you can name one companion to fly free with you on unlimited Southwest flights until the end of the following year. This is one of the best companion deals out there. With the sign-up bonus alone, you're more than a third of the way to the Companion Pass.

    Note: Only points earned with the Southwest credit cards qualify towards a Companion Pass. So, for example, if you have the Chase Sapphire Preferred and transfer points to Southwest, they won't qualify.

  • Bags fly free. Your first and second checked bags are free.

  • No blackout dates, seat restrictions, or change fees. You can use your miles to book any seat on any flight. And if you need to change the date of a flight, there's no change fee (though you will still need to pay the fare difference).

  • Rewards never expire. Your miles never expire as long as your card account remains open.

Who the Southwest Plus Card Is Good For

If you're an occasional domestic flyer (you fly Southwest just a few times a year), then this card is probably good enough for you. Since both cards have the same sign-up bonus and reward earnings, the Plus will save you money with a smaller annual fee.

Remember, it also gives you 3,000 points every anniversary year. This doesn't fully cover the annual fee, but it makes it easier to swallow.

Why the Southwest Rapid Reward Premier Card Is Superior

If you fly Southwest more often, the Premier card may be better for you. Here are some other perks that come with the Southwest Premier:

  • Tier qualifying points (TQPs): For every $10,000 spent on the card (on eligible purchases), you earn 1,500 TQPs. You can earn up to 15,000 TQPS per year. TQPs can be used for Rapid Rewards elite status.

    • If you achieve A-List status (35,000 TPQ per year), you get: priority check in, security, and boarding; dedicated phone line; free same-day standby; and 25% earnings bonus on Southwest flights.

    • If you achieve A-List Preferred status (70,000 TPQ per year), you get the above plus: free in-flight Wi-Fi and 100% earnings bonus on Southwest flights.

  • 6,000-point anniversary bonus: You get a bonus 6,000 points every year on your account anniversary. 6,000 points could be worth a flight around $100, so this already justifies the higher $99 annual fee.

  • No foreign transaction fee: The Premier card has no foreign transaction fee for purchases made abroad.

Do you own a business? There is also a business version of the Premier card – the Southwest Rapid Rewards Premier Business Credit Card.

Both Do Have Downsides

Keep in mind some of these downsides for both cards:

  • No priority boarding. Unlike other co-branded airline cards that give you priority boarding just for owning the card, the Southwest cards don't include this perk. The only way to get this perk is to earn enough TPQs in a year to qualify for elite status.

  • High APR. Neither card has an introductory APR offer for purchases or balance transfers. The regular APR is quite high, so make sure you are able to pay off the balance each month.

  • You only get bonus points for Southwest flights, and hotel and car rental partners. Unless you fly Southwest a lot and use their hotel and car rental partners, it may be hard to rack up points. If your goal is to earn points faster, then consider whether the Chase Sapphire Preferred may be a better fit. It gives you 2x points on travel and dining purchases. Then you can transfer the points 1:1 to Southwest (but they won't qualify for the Companion Pass).

  • You can only redeem on Southwest flights. This isn't much of a problem if you take a lot of Southwest flights. But if you want more flexibility or want to travel to places Southwest doesn't go, then think about whether it's better to get a general travel rewards card that lets you use any airline.

  • The Plus card has a foreign transaction fee. The Plus card charges a foreign transaction fee on purchases made out of the country (3% of each transaction in U.S. dollars on purchases). However, the Premier card has no foreign transaction fee, so it is better if you travel internationally.

How to Use Southwest Rapid Reward Points

Both cards earn Rapid Reward Points, which you can redeem towards any Southwest flight, with no blackout dates and no seat restrictions.

Using your points is very easy. Simply sign in to your Rapid Rewards account (create it for free) to book travel, and select the option “Points.”

You will then see the flight options listed in points. You can also toggle back and forth between dollars and points to compare the points value.

Southwest has three types of fares. Wanna Get Away is the cheapest fare. It's nonrefundable, but can be cancelled for credit good up to 1 year from purchase date. Business Select and Anytime fares are fully refundable.

So what are Rapid Reward points worth?
Southwest points have pretty good value, especially for the Wanna Get Away fights. We find that, generally, each Rapid Reward point is worth between 1.6 and 2.0 cents. This means that 10,000 points could be redeemed for a flight that costs around $160 - $200.

For example, in the sample flight above from Los Angeles to Seattle in March 2018, the highlighted flight costs 4,248 points. If you were to buy it with cash, it costs $86. That means the point value of the flight is 2.02 cents.

You don't pay any taxes or surcharges for domestic flights, except for the $5.60 Security Fee in each direction.

Do You Fly Other Airlines?

Not a frequent Southwest flyer? If there's another airline you prefer instead, consider these cards:

Bottom Line

So, which Southwest card is right for you? Since both cards give the same sign-up bonus and have the same reward structure, which is better?

If you fly Southwest just a few times a year domestically, the Plus card will do the job just fine. If you travel to any of Southwest's international offerings, you'll want the Premier card as it has no foreign transaction fee. It also has a larger anniversary bonus each year, which helps justify the $99 annual fee.

Which Southwest Credit Card is Right for You? appeared first on CreditDonkey

Editorial Note: Any opinions, analyses, reviews or recommendations expressed in this article are those of the author's alone, and have not been reviewed, approved or otherwise endorsed by any card issuer. This site may be compensated through the Advertiser's affiliate programs.

Disclaimer: The information for the Southwest Rapid Rewards Premier Credit Card, United MileagePlus Explorer Card, Citi® / AAdvantage® Platinum Select® World Elite™ Mastercard®, and Southwest Rapid Rewards Plus Credit Card has been collected independently by CreditDonkey. The card details on this page have not been reviewed or provided by the card issuer.

Get 35% Off The Purchase Of Starwood Starpoints: Take Advantage Of These Awesome Redemptions (Including Niagara Falls) Before It’s Too Late!

by Dan @ DansDeals.com

Related post: Here Are The Ways You Can Use Your Starpoints For Starwood And Marriott Awards You can earn Starpoints with the Starwood Consumer AMEX, the Starwood Business AMEX, or the Chase Marriott Visa. You can view credit card offers by hovering over the “Credit Cards” tab. You can then click on “Hotel Credit Cards.“ Starwood is offering 35% off purchases and gifts of […]

Three Companies That Show Taking the Benefits High Road Is Good for Business

Three Companies That Show Taking the Benefits High Road Is Good for Business

by Julia Beck @ Slate Articles

Not a day goes by where we aren’t hearing more about difficult and toxic workplaces. But what about the companies that are trying to get it right? During the Obama administration, the notion of improving America’s work culture as a means to higher profits generated a great deal of excitement at the Department of Labor and beyond. The DOL laid out the concept of “High Road Employers,” a 2013 white paper which outlined how companies can focus on people, the planet and profits as part of a successful business strategy. Under the current administration, the concept of High Road Employer hasn’t been front and center, and the American Sustainable Business Council has been one of the organizations left to carry the mantle of this work.

In October 2017, the ASBC came out with their own research showing that companies who invested in promoting family-friendly benefits, flexibility, fair living wages, cultivated inclusion, engaged with communities, for example, could improve retention of quality employees, earn better results from contractors and vendors, and attract fast-growing numbers of consumers who want to buy from values-based organizations.

Former Secretary of Labor Christopher Lu says, “The executives of these companies understand that their most asset is their workforce, so they’re rejecting the false choice between treating their employees with dignity and improving their company’s bottom line.”

Here are three examples of very diverse companies who are embodying some of these principles and reaping the benefits:

Badger Balm: “More than a dozen babies have come to work here.”

Founded in 1995, Badger Balm is a family business that employs 100 individuals (125 during peak sunscreen season) in their headquarters nestled in the woods of rural New Hampshire. Their earth-friendly products were born with a focus on environmental sustainability. The company is known for high standards through their entire process of product development, production, and distribution. They apply the same quality-focus on those who work with them.

Their daily organic lunch, for example, came about when the company was just a few years old. Back then, co-founder Bill Schwerin made soup for lunch for everyone on Fridays. The soup-making still happens, but now two professional cooks feed about 100 team members five days a week.

The whole of Badger Balm operation strives to create a supportive and family-friendly workplace where all employees are treated as valuable members of the community. Employees are encouraged to voice their opinions and make suggestions. Their production and shipping areas, are in light-filled, wood-beamed rooms: not the usual dark and dirty warehouse one might imagine. There, employees benefit from supports and policies including 40 hours of paid health time for themselves or to care for a family member, flexibility programs (think sick child or school conferences), paid leave for primary and secondary caregivers (applies to adoption or foster parenting as well), extended parental leave (where someone’s job is held for up to six months), $800 in annual wellness funds, and child care reimbursements.

Their “Babies-at-Work” program allows employees to bring their babies to work after their family leave for the first six months of life and care for them while doing their jobs that gets the most attention. Deirdre Fitzgerald, marketing and PR manager shares, “more than a dozen babies have come to work here.”

Badger is located in rural New Hampshire, so the area doesn’t have a huge pool of potential employees to pull from, making retention a crucial part of the company’s success. When asked how these commitments have played and paid off, Deirdre said, “Badger has always been a family-friendly workplace, and our policies around flexibility play a big role in how people feel about working for the company and how long they stay. This has led to virtually zero recruitment costs, and in a recent employee survey, 100 percent surveyed felt their manager respected their work-life balance, 82 percent reported feeling highly engaged, and more than half plan to stay at Badger for more than five years. People seek us out, and once they join the team, they remain because of our unique culture and approach to business.”

TCG, Inc.: “The cost of not doing something is bigger than the cost of doing something.”

Daniel Turner, father of four, runs the Washington, D.C.–based TCG, a 23-year-old Federal IT services company with nearly 150 employees. He participates in ASBC events and is active in the local and national fight for Paid Family Medical Leave. Why? His “do the right thing” attempt to cover leave for his employees out-of-pocket several years ago nearly destroyed his small business. Out of his 28 employees at the time, 12 took the 6-week parental leave TCG offered, at a cost to the business of hundreds of thousands of dollars - well more than TCG’s profit for the year. Turner took took a step back and recalibrated. Instead of six weeks of leave, TCG now offers three. He is hoping the government will provide the support needed so he can offer a good amount of paid parental leave. “This is what my organization stands for, caring for the team we have built. Not being able to offer what I know is right is extraordinarily frustrating,” says Turner.

Over the years, while TCG has not been able to increase the parental leave amount for fear of a similarly fertile year, Turner has been able to add other benefits. Ultimately, Turner shares, “It’s an economic challenge. Happy employees are more engaged, more committed, and that results in a higher level of work output and loyalty.” TCG now offers a wide range of “soft” benefits like tickets to the Kennedy Center or to Washington Nationals games, fitness contests and gym reimbursement, and even financial education. The workplace is highly flexible, which can increase worker happiness and productivity and costs the company nothing—and more than half of employees work from home. Those who do come to the office, are reimbursed for paid metro passes, bikes or even walking shoes. ($75 two times a year!) New employee integration is another commitment Turner takes quite seriously. “I will lose them quickly,” he notes, “if I don’t take the care necessary to integrate them well.” That translates into a three-month program to on-board including items to be completed three weeks prior to the employee’s start date. And for Turner, the payoff is in finding and retaining outstanding, committed talent.

TCG has won numerous awards for being a great place to work. What else is TCG good at? Per Turner, he’s also proud of winning and retaining contracts.

“Our reputation is what propels us forward and that is all about our people, I believe that the people part of equation, the whole person, is not only what differentiates us. It is what keeps us successful—being recommended over and again,” he says.

Levi Strauss & Co: “Profit through principals is in the company’s DNA.”

Levi Strauss launched his business in 1853, that year he donated a percentage of his first-year profits to a local orphanage. The company’s commitment to community and the greater society has continued since.“A profits through principals approach to doing business is in the company’s DNA” boasted Amber McCasland, Senior Director, Corporate Affairs. They are proud of the ways they regularly step-up long before they are mandated. For example, Levi Strauss & Co. desegregated all factories in the 1940’s long before any laws were passed, developed an HIV/AIDS education program to help avoid stigma and prejudice as early as 1983, and even offered domestic partner benefits starting in 1991.

In 2011, The company saw an opportunity to go beyond compliance and invest in programs that focused on improving the lives of supply chain workers through their ground-breaking Worker Well-Being Initiative. The program which applies to factory workers all over the world, like India and Egypt, focuses on financial literacy, health education and services, and has even piloted childcare programs. Its goal is for the education they are providing to also be spread through the larger community where their garments are made. “Worker Well-being was created as a proprietary program but we quickly realized that we could have greater social impact through transparency,” McCasland says. An ongoing research program in conjunction with Harvard School of Public Health has been measuring the impact of the program. It’s been successful at decreasing turnover and absenteeism while increasing engagement and productivity among workers. Factories are seeing up to a 4:1 ROI on worker well-being programs, meaning, for every dollar a factory owner puts into these programs they see up to a $4 return on the above metrics.

As for their supply chain, Target was influenced by LS&Co.’s Workers Well-being approach and has since set its own goals related to improving worker well-being for the people who manufacture products sold in Target stores.

LS&Co. is engaging with other brands as well—there is a collaborative effort to create a common roadmap for efforts to improve the well-being and engagement of factory workers.

Learning about the success of these employers makes taking the high road seem like an obvious, practical and simply smart business decision. These principles can clearly come through to employees, clients and consumers, and can define a company’s brand and future. And though the Obama-era culture of promoting high road businesses has past, luckily for us, these companies are still in business.

What Is Southwest Early Bird Check-In® & Do I Really Need It?

by Erin Miller @ UpgradedPoints.com

Southwest Airlines is an extremely popular U.S. low-cost carrier for a number of reasons. They regularly offer cheaper fares compared to other airlines, and they’re very transparent about their fees. Southwest doesn’t charge for most of your luggage (your carry-on and... read more

The post What Is Southwest Early Bird Check-In® & Do I Really Need It? appeared first on UpgradedPoints.com.

How To Check Barclay Credit Card Application Status + Reconsideration Phone Number

How To Check Barclay Credit Card Application Status + Reconsideration Phone Number

by TheRewardBoss @ The Reward Boss

Chase Credit Card Application Status Check & Reconsideration Phone Line / Number I just applied for the JetBlue Plus credit card and, unfortunately, wasn't approved instantly. What I saw next was the dreaded “your application is being reviewed…it can take up to 10 days” message. So, you probably don't want to wait up to 10…

The post How To Check Barclay Credit Card Application Status + Reconsideration Phone Number appeared first on The Reward Boss.

2 new cities getting Frequent Traveler University (FTU)

2 new cities getting Frequent Traveler University (FTU)

by Dan Miller @ Points with a Crew

Frequent Traveler University is coming to 2 new cities later this year. For a limited time only, they are offering a promo code for $20 off. This promo code is good through ...

BBVA Compass Bank Checking, Savings, CD Account Promotions

by Tony Phan @ MoneysMyLife

Find the latest BBVA Compass bank promotions, bonuses and offers here for Checking and Savings accounts. Typical bonus amounts are $25, $50, $100, $125, $250, etc. Sometimes there will also gift bonuses, such as tablets and other electronics. BBVA Compass was established in 1964 and is headquartered in Birmingham, Alabama. They have over 650 branches […]

Earn Up to 90,000 thankyou points with Citibank checking account and credit card (worth $900+) until 4-30-13 - The Reward Boss

Earn Up to 90,000 thankyou points with Citibank checking account and credit card (worth $900+) until 4-30-13 - The Reward Boss


The Reward Boss

This offer expires April 30, 2013, just a couple week away. This is a pretty good offer from Citibank which requires a bit of work, however, the bonus is valuable: thank you points worth at least $900. Thank you points are redeemable for gift cards and other things like flights. For instance, 90,000 points will…

Free $10 at Amazon with Discover Card

Free $10 at Amazon with Discover Card

by DDG @ Miles to Memories

There's a new offer that can get you a free $10 to spend on products sold and shipped by Amazon.com. All you need to do is switch your set your Discover card as the default 1-Click payment method

Deposit $25 at Wells Fargo for Free $250 Bonus

by Tracy Banks @ Banklady.com

Wells Fargo offers a $250 Bonus to New Customers who open an eligible Wells Fargo Everyday Checking Account with the Minimum Opening Deposit of $25. They also need to fulfill one of the easy Bonus Qualifications. This offer was public but is not just targeted. Follow the directions below for the $250 Bonus: Go here wellsfargo.com/250offer […]

The Problem With Calling 2017 “the Deadliest Year for Transgender Americans”

The Problem With Calling 2017 “the Deadliest Year for Transgender Americans”

by Evan Urquhart @ Slate Articles

At least 28 trans people were killed in 2017, according to a list compiled by the Human Rights Campaign. But, does that mean 2017 has been the deadliest year for transgender Americans to date? Publications including Mother Jones and HuffPost as well as many smaller LGBTQ media outlets have cited HRC’s report on trans deaths as evidence for that claim. There’s just one problem: It has no clear basis in evidence. While it’s laudable to raise awareness about the very real violence that trans people (particularly trans women of color) face, the number itself does nothing to elucidate the prevalence or longer-term trends in violent transgender deaths. To understand either prevalence or trends, it would be necessary to have either a complete count of all trans people who died in America in 2017, or some sort of statistical sampling that allowed an accurate estimate to be made. We don’t have that, so we don’t know how many trans people died violently in 2017, or if that number is higher or lower than the number who died in 2016 or any other given year. We just don’t know.

Of course, the Human Rights Campaign’s list is much more than a single number that goes up or down from year to year. The organization does an excellent job of humanizing trans people who have been victims of violence, speaking to friends or family members of each victim they record, including a photograph of them and a small blurb that gives a window into the lives of those lost. It’s important advocacy work, and by all accounts the risk of violence against trans people is very real. However, the actual number of victims HRC finds each year is evidence of little more than HRC’s ability to compile a list of violent trans deaths. It makes perfect sense for it to have gone up year after year as the list gained publicity and those compiling the list grew better at the job. Whether the real number of deaths has increased, decreased, or remained the same is unconnected to the list.

That’s because the list is undoubtedly incomplete, as HRC itself acknowledges. With such small numbers, even a small undercounting could make the difference between an increase or a decrease in the trend in overall deaths. But there’s reason to think the undercounting is not that small. Transgender people are estimated to be about 0.6 percent of the population. In 2016 the FBI reported 17,250 Americans were victims of homicide. If trans people were as likely as any other American to be victims of homicide, then we’d expect to find about 103 trans people murdered that year. The Human Rights Campaign reported 23 murders.

If the HRC list really was comprehensive, or close to it, it would mean that trans people are actually much safer from violence than other Americans are. But there are many reasons to believe that trans people are more at risk of violence, not less. More than 1 in 4 transgender people surveyed by the National Center for Trans Equality reported having experienced physical assault as a result of anti-trans bias. The same survey found that trans people are twice as likely as other Americans to experience homelessness and twice as likely to be unemployed. They’re also far more likely to live in poverty, to go to prison, and to participate in sex work or the drug trade. These factors build a strong circumstantial case that trans people are probably more likely to be victims of violent homicides, not less.

If trans people really are more likely to be victims of violent homicides, then the reported list of trans deaths most likely includes less than one-quarter of total trans deaths each year. This should not be taken as a criticism of the list itself, because reporting on trans deaths when police and governmental authorities make minimal effort to track these numbers is incredibly hard. Moreover, the families of trans people often seek to hide their loved one’s gender identities out of embarrassment, and even supportive family and friends may not know enough to reach out to HRC after a loved one has died.

But HRC and others need to be candid with the public about what this list does and does not represent. It represents a small, imperfect window into the lives of trans people who are threatened by violence every single day. It does not represent the number of trans people who died to violence, or tell us if that number is rising or falling year to year. In order to learn that information, we’d need local, state, and federal governments to track gender identity consistently in their homicide date. If HRC succeeds in drawing attention to the urgent issue of violence against trans people through this anecdotal list, then perhaps one day we’ll have some numbers that tell us the whole story.

Watch Out for This New Tax Scam

by KaToya Fleming @ MagnifyMoney

Tax season can be the most profitable time of year for savvy thieves. And just a week into filing season, the IRS has uncovered a new trick cybercriminals are using to scam you out of your money. The IRS warns tax preparers and consumers about a new scam in which criminals are using consumers’ account … Continue reading Watch Out for This New Tax Scam

The post Watch Out for This New Tax Scam appeared first on MagnifyMoney.

The Best Gym Bags

The Best Gym Bags

by Trupti Rami @ Slate Articles

This article originally appeared on the Strategist.

To help you with your New Year’s resolutions, we’ve already found the best winter running socks, workout gear, sports bras, and leggings—but what to pack everything in? Here, we grilled seven trainers, gym professionals, and plain-old exercise enthusiasts on the best gym bags.

For the Rush-Hour Commuter

“For me, simplicity is beauty. I like my Nike Brasilia duffel bag because it’s big enough to fit my running shoes and a clean pair of shorts, but small enough to carry on a crowded subway during rush hour. It’s got a hanging pocket on the inside to hold any valuables, it’s ventilated, and it fits in even the smallest of gym lockers.” —Charlie Dowe, media planner

Nike Brasilia Black Duffel
$45, Amazon

For the Throw-and-Goer

“I’m not even sure this tote is meant to be a gym bag, but lots of people who come into the studio are using it that way. It’s lightweight, it’s durable, and at the end of class I can throw my wet mop of a shirt in it with no concern. Occasionally I take it and give it a good rinse in the shower. It’s chic without being overstated, and it’s oh-so durable. I’m on the go all day and I wear my stuff hard, so for me it’s perfect.” —Taryn Toomey, founder of The Class by Taryn Toomey

MZ Wallace Small Metro Tote
$195, Saks Fifth Avenue

For the Comfort Seeker

“I have had a lot of gym bags during my recent time as a fitness instructor and my latest Puma bag is just awesome. It’s wide enough for me to carry all my workout gear (sneakers, water bottle, clothes, etc.), as well as one to two changes of clothing, which becomes especially useful when I’m teaching two or more classes a day and need to quickly change. The bag can also carry my laptop (13-inch MacBook Air) and charger cables comfortably. Day to day, I also appreciate that the strap doesn’t cut into my shoulder.” —Danny Cadet, fitness instructor at BollyX

Puma Transformation Duffel
$20, Amazon

For the Weekend Traveler

“I love the Lily Tote because it’s the most versatile bag I’ve ever owned. I travel quite a bit for work, and it allows me to carry my laptop, a change of clothes, toiletries, and my favorite book without bothering my shoulders. Plus, it also doubles as a waterproof backpack and messenger bag, so I can use it for a weekend trip without having to make any adjustments.” —Kat Ellis, head trainer at Uplift Studios

Lolë Lily Tote
$140, Amazon

For the Compartment User

“My bag has held up for like four years now and still looks pretty new. It’s kind of become my default bag. I take it to the gym, of course, and I even took it with me when I went on a trip to Jamaica recently. I put a whole bunch of clothes in it and used all three compartments—a big one that’s ventilated for sweaty items and two little side ones for a water bottle or anything else you’d want to throw in there.” —Peabo Bryson, assistant manager at Planet Fitness

Adidas Team Speed Medium Duffel
$40, Amazon

For the Cross-Trainer

“Like the triathletes I coach, when I head to the gym, it’s rarely for just one thing, so I need a bag that can handle gear for swimming, riding, running, lifting, yoga, or whatever combination I have planned for the day. The Blueseventy Transition Bag was originally designed for triathlon race day, but works nicely in the gym. The bag has all sorts of features—a big main compartment, a separate waterproof compartment for wet swim gear that can even hold a wetsuit, external pockets for water bottles, a top pocket for breakable items, a spot for a bike helmet (which comes in handy if I ride to the gym), and even a headphone jack. It works nicely for air travel too since it fits in an overhead compartment and has a padded laptop compartment.” —Jonathan Cane, founder and head coach of City Coach Multisport

Blueseventy Transition Bag
$90, Amazon

For the Heavy Sweater

“My favorite gym bag is the Champion zip bag that I have had for a few years. The reason this bag has stuck with me for so long is its size (not too big and not too small), as well as its fabric. The synthetic material repels moisture and does not trap odor.” —Maggie Byus, advertising manager

Champion Mindset Duffel
$39, Amazon

This article is published through a partnership with New York magazine’s the Strategist and Select All. The partnership is designed to surface the most useful, expert recommendations for things to buy across the vast e-commerce landscape. We update links when possible, but note that deals can expire and all prices are subject to change. Every editorial product is independently selected by New York magazine. If you buy something through our links, Slate and New York magazine may earn an affiliate commission.

Get Up To 28,500 Continental Miles For Opening Up A Chase Free Checking Account With Direct Deposit!

by Dan @ Banking – DansDeals.com

Chase counts incoming ACH transfers from other banks and incoming paypal/google checkout revenues as direct deposits! Continental Offer Linky -10,000 miles for opening up the checking account with direct deposit. -11,000 miles for opening a Continental/Chase debit card. ($25 annual fee) -7,500 miles for adding 3 additional cardholders with no annual fee.

Earn $5 ShopYourWay Points For Every Uber Ride

Earn $5 ShopYourWay Points For Every Uber Ride

by DDG @ Miles to Memories

You can earn $5 through the ShopYourWay program for every Uber ride from 2/13/2018 until 2/15/2018. SYW Members must first link account to Uber.

How Saving the Stud Put Queer Politics Into Practice

How Saving the Stud Put Queer Politics Into Practice

by Ben Miller @ Slate Articles

Just after midnight, a woman in a blue gingham dress named Miss J grabs me on the shoulder.* The air in San Francisco smells like smoke; today, a Wednesday in early October, is the fourth day of some of the largest and most destructive fires north of the Bay anyone can remember. Around us, people dance; Luz, a DJ visiting from Berlin, is cuing up wailing divas that have a mix of San Franciscans—bears in red lycra bodysuits, lesbians in fedoras, people of all races and genders and classes—spinning in plumes of artificial fog outlined in lavender light. There is a feeling of freshness, of freedom, of something slightly undiscovered, that can be rare in more homogenous gay scenes. “I want to kick the DJ off the stage and sing sad songs about the fires,” Miss J, a trans-identified drag performer, says. “A friend of mine is fighting them, and it’s awful. But the music is so fucking good I can’t stop dancing.” She spins away.

We’re in the Stud, a gay club located in San Francisco’s South of Market area that’s been open since 1966. Last year, the bar was in danger of closing, its longtime owners preparing to sell and facing an almost-tripling of the monthly rent. Across San Francisco—across urban centers worldwide—gay bars, and especially bars catering to class- and race-diverse crowds, are shutting down due to reasons ranging from economic to cultural, as rents in urban areas rise and dating apps make some queer people (mostly men) feel the need for in-person connection less acutely. Marke Bieschke, a nightlife writer and alt-weekly veteran, called the bar “one of those spaces where I had a death watch. It was a place where I was thinking, ‘okay, when this goes it’s time to leave San Francisco.’” But instead of just watching, Bieschke joined a class-, gender-, and race-diverse group of 18 San Franciscans—people with varying levels of experience in nightlife, business, and community organizing—and formed a collective that bought the bar, negotiated a two-year continuation of its lease, and created one of the first worker-owned nightclubs in the world. They began operations on Jan. 1, 2017.

They didn’t want the reborn bar to cater only to rich white gay men or to collaborate with gentrification like some other new “queer” spaces in town, including the Peter Thiel-funded Yass social club. “We tried to be intentional about opening it up from being just a men’s space,” said Maria Davis, owner of another bar and collective member. “We have 1/3 of the coop as women, and a significant percentage are also people of color, people from different age groups, people from different class backgrounds.” Collective member Houston Gilbert described a system in which each member paid an equal base amount to join, with a few putting in additional funds to raise the full capital required to save the space. “This kept the cost of entry relatively low while also promoting diversity among the collective's founders and potential future members,” he said, noting that the group structured itself strictly around the equality of each collective member’s voice. “It’s crazy,” Gilbert said, “if you’d told me that I’d love going to two-hour collective meetings I might not have believed you, but now working on it with these people has become such an amazing part of my life.”

Everyone involved in the Stud tends to mention the first time they saw the building. It sits low and exposed, filling out the front of a low-lying industrial block on Harrison Street, all wild-west type and blinking neon. Davis remembers visiting San Francisco, “being 14 or 15, a little punk rock kid, and driving up with some older friends. We drove off the freeway and it was the first thing I saw. I had heard of it, being involved in queer culture and politics, and I thought, wow. There it is. I’m home.” “I grew up driving past it all the time,” said Honey Mahogany, drag queen, RuPaul girl, and Collective member. “If you’re coming from South or West of the city this is where you’ll get off to go to Civic Center. It was this bright and loud building in the middle of this industrial area and I remember seeing it and thinking it was somewhere a little dangerous, somewhere a little wild.”

Going to the bar in a Lyft or Uber, themselves symbols of a San Francisco defined by skyrocketing rents and tech fortunes, you run a gauntlet of brand-new shiny condo towers. Cheaply built, they look almost temporary, like stage sets. They’re forcing the Stud out of its current location within two years, and the collective is actively searching for new space. “In this climate it’s almost not a possibility to find space because landlords want fly-by-night tech companies that won’t do too much alteration,” says Bieschke. “There’s still a lingering feeling of homophobia. Not so much direct homophobia but there’s a narrative that queer bars are closing so landlords don’t want to rent to us, which makes it a self-fulfilling prophecy.” The night I visit the bar in October, someone recollects a sexual encounter in one of the condo towers’ construction sites with some “good trade” they met inside. Interrupted by police with flashlights, the pair had to run back into the bar in their underwear to call a cab home.

Back in the ‘70s, the Stud building was surrounded by warehouses and other industrial buildings; the bar itself began as part of a group of alternative and leather-leaning gay bars that defined and produced a particular kind of male sexuality. In December of 1970, pioneering gay liberation newspaper Gay Sunshine Journal published an article called “Showdown at the Stud.” It was “a heavy bar,” the paper said; “on a weekend night you’ll find it packed with cowboy-hip white and Black bodies pushing and rubbing against one another…the sexual tension is electric—exciting if you’re in the mood, depressing if you’re not.” One Friday night, the cops moved in on “about 75 people milling around … the pigs had decided to vamp on these long-haired white and Black Fags, and this was the appointed hour.” The cops beat up several men and arrested two for assault when they defended themselves and their friends. Slamming the apathetic response of the city’s more established gay networks, the article concluded that “the pigs have told us something. We had better get ourselves together. All the telegrams and meetings with important people aren’t shit. We have got to do it ourselves.”

37 years later, some collective members still feel this sense of going it on their own, of, as Bieschke says, “a lack of city will to take action” to defend queer communities and spaces. Nate Allbee, another collective member who has worked in the campaigns and offices of the City Board of Supervisors’ progressive faction, did, however, cite legislation about historic districts and the assistance of several Supervisors and city offices in facilitating the takeover last year.

In the 1980s and 1990s, the Stud was a different but no less political bar. It served as home to Trannyshack, founded by drag queen Heklina in 1996, which Bieschke remembers as the time he first arrived in San Francisco. “That was back when there was a Black bar and an Asian bar and an old man bar and you were supposed to stay in your space. But the Trannyshack era was a groundbreaking moment, part of the homocore movement and tied into the zine moment, a moment of deconstructing mainstream gay culture and trying to produce something to go against it. The Stud was one of those places where the formulation of ‘queer’ as a category of difference was produced.” Mahogany recalls the Stud being “one of the places I felt I could fit in, perform, or just hang out in my body however I was dressed that day.”

The past year has been tough but successful. Gilbert tells me the bar is, in addition to being a “touchy-feely” collective, “relentlessly data-driven.” “That allows us to have a mix of parties,” he explained in an email. “We could fill the place up with cute boys with beards (who we love) every night but instead our programming committee combines parties that are going to do really well with parties that are going to bring in communities we really want to include or different kinds of events that are going to keep the space mixed and diverse.” None of the collective members had much experience working in such a non-hierarchical way; all of them spoke about needing to “evolve” towards ways of working that combined the idealism they felt when taking the space over with the often-unglamorous realities of running a club.

Changes in the city itself have made their task more challenging. Matthew Paul, one of the promoters of the Wednesday-night party I attended, said it’s harder and harder to work in nightlife in San Francisco. “During the week,” he says, “everyone has a job now. Not as many people who work irregular hours or in the service industry can afford to be here. It’s hard to get a crowd.” Nevertheless, business is up 70 percent over the same time last year, and the bar was full and raucous when I attended. And every collective member I interviewed raised, unprompted, the feelings of joy and purpose that taking over the space have filled them with, calling one another family and saying that this project was the most rewarding thing any of them had ever done.

The night of my visit, Miss J never makes it on stage, but the fires keep coming up. Before heading out, I have a last beer in the bar, talking with Bieschke and a couple of friends. Behind them, boxes are stacked to the ceiling, full of canned goods and supplies for people in the North Bay whose homes had burned down. A flyer announces that donations are being collected for post-hurricane Puerto Rico; another, faded one asks for supplies for Houston. “It feels like the apocalypse,” someone says. I make a joke about how the last two days of headlines in the San Francisco Chronicle—Disasters Relentless and Calamity Widening—would make perfect drag names. Everyone laughs. Suddenly the Stud feels like a bunker, a hideout. “We’re going to have to be a lot more like cockroaches,” someone says, and here, it feels like good news.

*Correction, Dec. 12, 2017: This post originally misstated Miss J's gender identity.

Has Your Matched JetBlue Mosaic Status Been Extended Again?

by Dan @ DansDeals.com

Last July, JetBlue offered the ability to match status from another airline to earn Mosaic status on JetBlue. Last month, I noted that JetBlue had once again extended the status from 12/31/17 to 1/31/18, as I predicted might happen. Numerous readers have let me know that their status was extended again through 12/31/18. However others […]

Huntington Bank Coupons: $150, $200, $300, $500, & $750 Deals, Offers, & Promotions

by Danny Nguyen @ Bank Deal Guy

Huntington Bank Coupons, Coupon Codes, Promo Codes, Bonuses, Deals, Offers, and Promotions for their Checking, Savings and Business accounts can all be found here. Huntington Bank Coupon & Bonus Promotions are constantly updated throughout the year, so bookmark this page or check back on our Huntington Bank Deals, Offers, Bonuses, and Promotions master post for updates. Check out... Read More →

The post Huntington Bank Coupons: $150, $200, $300, $500, & $750 Deals, Offers, & Promotions appeared first on Bank Deal Guy.

The Best Gifts for Health and Wellness Nuts

The Best Gifts for Health and Wellness Nuts

by Samuel Anderson @ Slate Articles

This article originally appeared on the Strategist.

Finding the perfect holiday gift can be maddening—is this the color they’d want? Is it something they already have? Is it so last year?—but really, once you have a sense of a person’s taste, it’s not impossible. This season, we’ll be talking to members of different tribes to find out exactly what to get that home cook, college student, or Star Wars fanatic in your life. Think of it as a window into their brain trust—or at least a very helpful starting point. Today, 12 health and wellness nuts on the gifts they want for the holidays. (And take a look at what Taryn Toomey, founder of cult workout the Class, recommended last year.)

“Every wellness girl I know milling about New York or L.A. can’t wait to get their hands on the Kule x Bandier collection, which has the coolest, comfiest tracksuits. Going in—literally closing your eyes and deepening your awareness through meditation and yoga—is the new going out.” —Beth Cooke, yoga instructor

Kule x Bandier Williams Trackpants
$135, Bandier

“I would wear this bodysuit to work with sweaters, to play with my son, and if I’m lucky to actually work out! I also use this Jiva Apoha body oil all over my body, which I love because it’s all organic.” —Amanda Chantal Bacon, founder of Moon Juice

Outdoor Voices Strata Silverstone Bodysuit
$85, Outdoor Voices

“This is my favorite hiking shoe so I’d want another pair. It’s waterproof and bulletproof in all climates, with an amazing fit. Best hiking boots made. I’ve walked in streams and they held the water out.” Bob Greene, Oprah’s former trainer

Salomon Men’s Quest 4D2 GTX Hiking Boot
$116, Amazon

“This tracks multiple wellness parameters like exercise and calories, but it also tracks your sleep and sleep quality. Sleep quality is often ignored, and it is one of the most important pillars of health and wellness.” —Bob Greene

Fitbit Ionic Smartwatch
$270, Amazon

“This vibrating foam roller is top of the list this year. It’s the Tesla of foam rollers, featuring three speeds of high-intensity vibration that allow you to warm up, train, and recover faster than any other roller. We use them in Barry’s Bootcamp’s Flex Release classes, and our athletes have been loving them.” —Joey Gonzalez, CEO of Barry’s Bootcamp

HyperIce Vyper – 3 Speed Vibrating Foam Roller
$179, Amazon

“These headphones are the ultimate for working out on vacation. They are sweat- and water-resistant with a built-in A.I. coach, motivating you to work harder and faster as you work out. The programming syncs with your phone to measure heart rate, motion, and distance, and the sound quality is unmatched.” —Gonzalez

Vi A.I. Fitness Tracker With Heart Rate and Real-Time Audio Coaching in Premium Wireless Sweat-Proof Headphones
$180, Amazon

“Because I’m one of those crazy people who feels like the more I sweat, the better of a workout I’m getting.” Hayden Slater, CEO and founder of Pressed Juicery

Kutting Weight Neoprene Weight-Loss Sauna Suit (Unisex)
$40, Amazon

“Because I don’t have kids yet but want them one day.” —Slater

DefenderPad Laptop EMF Radiation Protection & Heat Shield by DefenderShield
$98, Amazon

“This is a homespun Little House on the Prairie-style gift. Mix up a tablespoon of it with water in the morning and it’s a refreshing way to help a loved one stave off winter cold. And the apothecary-style bottle makes it super giftable.” —Alexia Brue, co-founder of Well + Good

Fire Cider Vinegar
$17, Amazon

“I’m really into adding adaptogens (ingredients that help your body manage stress) to my coffee. Anima Mundi is super transparent about the sourcing of their mushrooms, and with the added hint of cacao, this blend mitigates that “forest floor” flavor. I’d build a little gift set around this blend with their Happiness Tonic and the Vegan Curam Beauty Elixir.” —Melisse Gelula, co-founder of Well + Good

Anima Mundi – Organic/Vegan Curam Beauty Elixir
$20, Amazon

“Food is definitely the fastest way to change how you feel (other than a facial). If only the graphic design was edible, too; good fonts are kind of essential to my personal well-being.” —Michael Pollak, chief brand officer and co-founder of Heyday

Simple Fare: Fall and Winter by Karen Mordechai
$22, Amazon

“Based on supplements originally given to astronauts to protect them from rapid aging in space, these not only help your skin look refreshed, they also contain essential antioxidants that improve your immune system on a cellular level, which is vital after all those holiday parties and to not ruin your warm-weather getaway.” —Erica Choi, NYC-based art director and blogger

11SKIN Radiant Skin Beauty Dose
$160, Revolve

“I love getting and giving luxury skin care as it’s a way the recipient can really pamper themselves this holiday season. This treatment acts like a sleeping mask and is great for those nights you need that extra dose of hydration. You seriously wake up with smoother and the most radiant skin.” —Erica Choi

REN Wake Wonderful Night-Time Facial
$29, Amazon

“I love soaking in a bath with Epsom salts. Not only do they remove toxins from the skin and body, they relieve muscle tension and stiffness after a tough workout. I’d love a ton of these.” —Melanie Coba, European Wax Center’s national brand ambassador

Dr. Teal’s Pure Epsom Salts
$5, Amazon

“My favorite workout is one that’s simple to design and hard to execute. Nothing comes in as handy, or is as versatile, as a good old-fashioned jump rope. It’s a staple in any backpack or suitcase when I travel, and I always need more: low-price, highly mobile, and highly effective. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee this holiday season.”  —Noah Neiman, trainer and co-founder of Rumble

Survival and Cross Adjustable Jump Rope
$10, Amazon

“I would love this book because it is written by a fellow registered dietitian whose expert advice is important to many dietitians. Other than that, all I want is a good hat, which is how I protect myself from UV rays, a basket full of fresh fruit, a platter of nuts and dried fruit.” —Maye Musk, model and dietician

You Have It Made by Ellie Krieger
$17, Amazon

This article is published through a partnership with New York magazine’s the Strategist and Select All. The partnership is designed to surface the most useful, expert recommendations for things to buy across the vast e-commerce landscape. We update links when possible, but note that deals can expire and all prices are subject to change. Every editorial product is independently selected by New York magazine. If you buy something through our links, Slate and New York magazine may earn an affiliate commission.

Citibank Bonuses: $400, $600 for Checking & Savings

Citibank Bonuses: $400, $600 for Checking & Savings


Banklady.com

Citibank Promotions are available nationwide with cash bonuses worth up to $400. They just require you to open eligible checking accounts and meet certain requirements like using a promo code and m…

[Targeted] $50-$700 Citi Checking Offer

[Targeted] $50-$700 Citi Checking Offer


TravelinPoints

Below you’ll find a screenshot that captures the essence of this targeted offer. A unique code along with the last name of offer recipient is required to pull this offer at offer.citibank.com…

Chase Coupon Promo Codes: $200, $300, $350, $500 (Feb 2018)

by Tony Phan @ MoneysMyLife

Chase Bank coupon codes, bonuses, and promotions for their Checking, Savings and Business accounts can all be found up-to-date here. Chase promotions are constantly updated throughout the year, so bookmark this page for updates. Many Chase coupon codes are periodically available. Current and past coupons include the following: $100, $150, $175, $200, $250, $300, $350, $400, $500, $600 and […]

E-Trade Bonus: Earn up to $2,500 + Free Trades & Free Pro Access

by Tracy Banks @ Banklady.com

E-Trade is one of our favorite innovative online discount brokerages. They are now offering up to $2,500 bonus plus Free Trades for 60 days when you open a new E*TRADE Securities Individual, Joint or Retirement account by December 31, 2017 and funded within 45 days of account opening. E-Trade is a leader in the industry with far superior tools for […]

BBVA Compass Bank Deals, Bonuses, & Promotions: $50, $100, & $200 Checking & Savings Offers

by Danny Nguyen @ Bank Deal Guy

Find the latest BBVA Compass Bank Deals, Bonuses, & Promotions here at BankDealGuy! BBVA Compass Bank is available physically in a few states but available for residents in 48 contiguous states! Check out excellent checking, money market, savings, certificate of deposit accounts, and more! See below for our list of BBVA Compass Bank Deals. BBVA Compass Bank has numerous... Read More →

The post BBVA Compass Bank Deals, Bonuses, & Promotions: $50, $100, & $200 Checking & Savings Offers appeared first on Bank Deal Guy.

$150 Off $300 At Neiman Marcus Last Call; 5 Non-Iron Dress Shirts For $35/Each, 100% Wool Suits For $185, And More

by JJ @ DansDeals.com

$150 Off $300 At Neiman Marcus Last Call Use code: GIMME150 -Not valid on items that already have a 20%-70% discount. -Receive free 2 day shipping and return shipping with Shoprunner. (Don’t have a Shoprunner account? If you have an AMEX you can signup for free). -Don’t have ShopRunner or AMEX? Use the following code for […]

Five Good Things That Happened to American Workplaces in 2017

Five Good Things That Happened to American Workplaces in 2017

by Slate Staff @ Slate Articles

The past year brought us many reasons to worry about our chances of achieving that happy work-life balance we dream about—given the seemingly endless number of regulations and worker protections the Trump administration has cut, the major changes to the National Labor Relations Board, and now many questions about what the largest piece of tax reform legislation in history will do to our economy. Still, it’s worth remembering that even a tough year has a silver lining, and there is hope that our best work-lives are still ahead of us. From a national movement to snuff out toxic work cultures to state and local innovations for balancing work and family, 2017 offered some good with the bad.

Here, members of the Better Life Lab team at New America highlight five seriously good things that happened for American workplaces in 2017:

1. #MeToo

In September, the courageous voices of a few women set off a tsunami of disclosures of widespread workplace sexual harassment across sectors as varied as movie-making, news media, politics, and academia. Amplified by social media and the #MeToo hashtag that allowed women from all walks of life to share their experiences with harassment and make the case for its pervasiveness, the groundswell removed prominent men from their positions of power. More importantly, #MeToo and the surrounding disclosures, while horrifying, spurred a broader conversation about behavior in the workplace and sex and gender and power dynamics. Men and women are re-examining their workplace interactions and employers are thinking anew about how they create structures and processes to allow for victims to tell their stories and end these all-too-common abuses. —Amanda Lenhart

2. Schedule stability in Oregon

In August, Oregon became the first state in the country to pass a law ensuring schedule predictability and stability to the hourly workers of large employers. The law, which goes into effect in July, requires employers with more than 500 workers to give their employees advance notice of schedules (one week in 2018, two weeks in 2020), adequate rest (10 hours) between shifts, and the right to request certain shifts or workplaces—or pay a “predictability” premium. The law, which passed with solid bipartisan support, is designed to both put an end to the erratic and unpredictable schedules that wreak havoc on the lives, health, and livelihoods of hourly workers and to help businesses by creating a healthier environment for workers that will reduce costly absenteeism and turnover.

In recent years, increasingly erratic schedules have become the norm for the hourly workforce through a combination of new scheduling software and the pressure to cut labor costs. With behemoths like Walmart, McDonald’s, Home Depot, and Kroger, the retail and fast food sectors are by far the largest civilian employment areas in the United States. Pressure from online competitors like Amazon has forced what some call a retail jobs “apocalypse,” with, for instance, more department store jobs lost in the past 15 years than coal mining or factory jobs. The Oregon predictable scheduling law follows city ordinances in Seattle, San Francisco, and New York and is seen a model for legislation that lawmakers from both parties can support. —Brigid Schulte

3. Hawaii’s solution to the elder care crisis

In July, Hawaii passed the Kupuna Caregiver Assistance Act, ensuring that senior citizens in the state and their working family members have access to the elder care they need. The act grants primary caregivers who work at least 30 hours a week with up to $70 a day in assistance from professional home aides. Hawaii rose to face the challenges presented by an aging population and an extremely high cost of living, a challenge that the rest of the United States faces or will soon face. Working family members who also perform unpaid elder care, a role primarily held by women, can now remain in the workforce. The benefits of the Kupuna Caregiver Assistance Act extend beyond the family and into local businesses as employers can now retain valuable skilled workers.

The passing of this landmark legislation carries implications for the future of elder care in the United States. Hawaii’s program serves as a potential inspiration and a data source for how other states could enact similar legislation. For American workers increasingly sandwiched between their careers and the need to provide care to kids and their aging parents, Kapuna represents a badly needed path forward. —Roselyn Miller

4. Paid parental leave in San Francisco

Life got a lot easier for many working parents in San Francisco this year. That’s because the city passed a new paid parental leave law and became the first city in the country to offer six weeks of fully paid parental leave. It officially went into effect in January. Even before that, California was already a good place (compared with other states) to have a kid: It pays 55 percent of a worker’s salary for up to six weeks. This new city law requires that employers pay the 45 percent difference, and it was expected to raise the average weekly salary from $743 to $1,351. It could make an especially big difference for low-income populations that don’t work for big tech giants and don’t have access to generous leave policies.

Unsurprisingly, the business community’s reaction to the new law has been mixed, and some economic analysis has suggested it could slow hiring and job creation. But right now, it’s impossible to predict the ultimate outcome and impact on families and on business at large. And it’s impossible to know whether it could or should be a model for other cities. But it is possible to applaud San Francisco’s spirit of experimentation—of trying something rather than nothing and for giving the rest of the country a starting point for action. —Elizabeth Weingarten

5. The rise of remote work

As one of only two countries in the world offering zero weeks of guaranteed paid leave to workers for family or health crises (alongside Papua New Guinea), the U.S. workforce is desperate for more jobs that don’t require onsite, regularly set shifts. And 2017 seems to have made even more managers and workers converts to the glories of flexible working than ever before. According to a 2017 report from FlexJobs, a service that helps companies recruit flexible workers, remote working has increased by 115 percent in the past decade. With the uptake of new technologies like Zoom, for all your video conferencing needs; Slack, for regular interoffice chatting and info-sharing; and seemingly endless options for finding pop-in co-working spaces in your own neighborhood, the reasons for employers not to accommodate teleworking are fewer than ever.

To help meet these needs, a new job board, Werk, exclusively connects job-seekers with companies that want to attract remote and flexible workers. The demand for setups that allow Americans to both live and work at the same time is here. Here’s to hoping 2018 is the year more workplaces step up to meet it. —Haley Swenson

Earn 10,000 Bonus IHG Points at Kimpton Hotels, Offer is Now Public

Earn 10,000 Bonus IHG Points at Kimpton Hotels, Offer is Now Public

by DDG @ Miles to Memories

You could earn 10,000 bonus IHG points at Kimpton Hotels. The offer is now public and part of the IHG Rewards Club Accelerate Q1 promo for stays through April 30th, 2018.

Life Insurance Living Benefits Rider

by Ryan Guina @ Cash Money Life | Personal Finance, Investing, & Career

This article was originally published on Cash Money Life | Personal Finance, Investing, & Career at Life Insurance Living Benefits Rider.

Having life insurance in place can allow you the peace of mind in knowing that those who love and care about will not have to face financial hardship in the case of the unexpected. That is because, in addition to providing funds for replacement of income, the cash that life insurance offers can also be ... Read More about Life Insurance Living Benefits Rider

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All content copyright Cash Money Life | Personal Finance, Investing, & Career; if you are reading this on another website it has been illegally reproduced in violation of copyright laws.

8% eBay Bucks Bonus Offer For Buyers and Sellers [Targeted]

8% eBay Bucks Bonus Offer For Buyers and Sellers [Targeted]

by DDG @ Miles to Memories

Earn 8% in eBay Bucks on every qualifying item when you buy, or earn 8% on the value of the items you sell. No minimum purchase/sale amount.

JetBlue Fare Sale, Flights Starting At $39 One Way

by DDG @ Danny the Deal Guru

JetBlue has a new two-day fare sale with prices starting from $39. There’s some decent deals in there, whether you’re paying cash or using TrueBlue points. You need to book by 2/14/18 (the earlier of 11:59 PM ET or local time) and fly between 3/6 and 6/13/18.

The post JetBlue Fare Sale, Flights Starting At $39 One Way appeared first on Danny the Deal Guru.

Marcus by Goldman Sachs Review: GS Bank Takes on Online Savings, CDs, and Personal Loans

by Lindsay VanSomeren @ MagnifyMoney

Most Americans probably think of fancy white-collar stock traders on Wall Street when they think of Goldman Sachs, a global investment firm that’s been around since the late 19th century. In recent years, Goldman made a major pivot, launching a new arm of the company called GS Bank, which would provide internet-only savings accounts to … Continue reading Marcus by Goldman Sachs Review: GS Bank Takes on Online Savings, CDs, and Personal Loans

The post Marcus by Goldman Sachs Review: GS Bank Takes on Online Savings, CDs, and Personal Loans appeared first on MagnifyMoney.

Earn 2,000 Bonus FlexPoints With Your US Bank FlexPerks Visa Card [Targeted?]

by takeoffwithmiles @ Takeoff With Miles

There is a targeted offer, where in US Bank FlexPerks Visa Card holders could earn 2,000 bonus FlexPoints when you spend $500 or more in eligible purchases before Dec 31, 2017.     This is a targeted promotion and you must register for the promotion to be eligible to earn the bonus points. It is ...

The post Earn 2,000 Bonus FlexPoints With Your US Bank FlexPerks Visa Card [Targeted?] appeared first on Takeoff With Miles.

Get 2 Boxes Of Designer Checks for Just $8.95 Shipped From 4Checks!

by Dan @ Banking – DansDeals.com

4Checks Offer Linky Enter the following offer code on any product page and click “update pricing”: DB4305 4Checks and its affiliated printing companies have an A+ rating from the BBB. You will need to click “no” on both of the EZShield offers in your cart to get the $8.95 price and be sure to decline […]

My Full Review:  Spend a Little to Save a Lot With the AMEX Platinum Card 60,000 Point Offer

My Full Review: Spend a Little to Save a Lot With the AMEX Platinum Card 60,000 Point Offer

by Million Mile Secrets @ Million Mile Secrets

Right now, you can earn 60,000 valuable AMEX Membership Rewards points when you open The Platinum Card® from American Express and meet the minimum spending requirements.  That’s enough for a Business Class flight to Europe, 2 round-trip flights to Hawaii, or free nights at luxury Hilton hotels that can be worth $1000s!  That said, it comes with a …

The Hawaii Supreme Court Must Affirm the Equality of Same-Sex Parents

The Hawaii Supreme Court Must Affirm the Equality of Same-Sex Parents

by Anthony Michael Kreis @ Slate Articles

On Thursday, the Hawaii Supreme Court will hear arguments in a significant LGBTQ rights case—a first of its kind—that applies marriage equality to legal parenthood. At the heart of the litigation is a question of what makes a parent. The Hawaii justices will have to decide whether a married lesbian can escape parental responsibilities toward the child to whom her then-wife gave birth. To uphold LGBTQ equality, the justices should rule that parental obligations attach equally to same-sex and opposite-sex spouses.

The couple, C.C. and D.D., married in Washington, D.C., in 2013. Shortly thereafter, the two women moved to Hawaii, where C.C. had been called on military orders. During the course of their marriage, they considered having a child together. While C.C. was deployed between January and September 2015, D.D. sought out a sperm donor and became pregnant. A month after C.C.’s return from deployment, she filed for divorce. The child was born before the divorce’s finalization.

As a general principle in family law, when a married woman gives birth to a child, the birth mother and her spouse are presumed to be the child’s parents. The biological relationship of her spouse to the child is irrelevant. This is true of a same-sex couple or a married heterosexual couple. If a birth mother is married to a man at either the time the child was conceived or between conception and birth, her husband’s name is placed on the child’s birth certificate. The presumption of parentage does not necessarily mean he is the biological father. Indeed, presumptive paternity requires no evidence that her husband is the biological father.

The theory behind this presumption is that it advances children’s best interests, keeps children off public assistance, and promotes stronger families. The presumption, however, is rebuttable if the nonbirth parent shows clear and convincing evidence that parental rights should not be imputed on them. In the context of opposite-sex couples, the presumption can be overcome with proof that the husband was away from the wife during the time of conception; that the husband is infertile, sterile, or impotent; or that the couple did not have sexual relations.

C.C. does not wish to be a legal parent of D.D.’s child. In family court, C.C. argued that the presumption of parentage should not apply to her because she is not capable of having a biological relationship to the child D.D. gave birth to. The family court denied C.C.’s petition to sever her parental obligations, ruling that Hawaii’s Uniform Parentage Act and Marriage Equality Act presumes that a legal spouse of a woman who gives birth to a child is the parent of that child. The spouse’s gender is irrelevant. The family court also determined C.C. had insufficient evidence to overturn her status as a parent and, as a consequence, her parental obligations.

While state courts have been asked to sort out the rights of same-sex parents before, this one stands out as unusual. Typically, these cases arise from petitioners who want to establish parental rights over the objections of their former spouses and partners. In recent months, state courts in Vermont, New York, and Arizona have ruled in favor of the estranged same-sex partner who raised children with their former partner. Here, though, C.C. wants to avoid the obligations of parenthood.

While C.C. should be able to offer evidence to the court to rebut the strong presumption that she and D.D. are both the child’s parents, the Hawaii Supreme Court should reject C.C.’s argument that the standards of presumed parentage do not apply to same-sex couples. To adopt C.C.’s position is to undermine the basic tenets of family law and the equal status of marriage between opposite-sex and same-sex couples. C.C.’s theory is at odds with the constitutional command of Obergefell v. Hodges that states cannot impose different terms and conditions on civil marriage between same-sex and opposite-sex couples. The Supreme Court reinforced this principle in Pavan v. Smith, in which the Supreme Court required Arkansas officials to place a birth mother’s same-sex spouse on her child’s birth certificate by default as they would with opposite-sex couples, consistent with the marital presumption of parentage.

Same-sex couples’ freedom to marry advanced equal rights for all LGBTQ people, but equality does not only mean equal privileges and benefits: With equal rights come equal obligations and responsibilities.

The Best Cookware Sets

The Best Cookware Sets

by Maxine Builder @ Slate Articles

This article originally appeared on the Strategist.

To find the very best products that no human being would have the time to try, look to the best-reviewed (that’s four-to-five-star ratings and lots of ’em) products and choose the most convincing. You’ll find the best crowdsourced ideas whether you're searching for comforters, bed sheets, or even Christmas trees. Below, the best cookware sets determined by the hard-nosed reviewers on Amazon. (Note that reviews have been edited for length and clarity.)

Best Three-Piece Set of Nonstick Pans

4.3 stars, 1,675 reviews
“First of all, I cook constantly and really appreciate … having the different sizes for preparation. The smaller is great for omelettes and scrambled eggs. The other two are most helpful in food cooking without [using] any heavy nonstick products. The large pan is great for frittata recipes that I love to make because you can flip it without it falling apart [or] being stuck to the pan. Recommend it highly for anyone making dinner in a timely way, without the worry of sticking and burning. Great product!!”

T-fal B363S3 Specialty Nonstick Cookware Set, 3-Piece Gray
$21, Amazon

Best Five-Piece Cast-Iron Cookware Set

4.7 stars, 1,177 reviews
“I decided to try out cooking on cast iron a while back, and my mom sent me one of her old, well-seasoned ones. After reading up on how to take care of it, I was a little intimidated. Once I actually dove in and tried it, though, I loved it. I’m never going back to supposedly nonstick pans again. This Lodge set is a great deal if you’re wanting to get started with cast iron because you get several essential pieces for many uses. They come preseasoned, but I went ahead and reseasoned them anyway. It’s easy to do and gives a better start. These are more nonstick than my nonstick pans ever were, and they hold heat remarkably well. I even gave one of the skillets to my mom (in exchange for the one she had lent me previously).”

Lodge Seasoned Cast Iron 5 Piece Bundle
$115, Amazon

Best Seven-Piece Stainless-Steel Cookware Set

4.3 stars, 11,273 reviews
“This set is a great deal. They have a good weight to them, heat fast, and cook evenly. Whenever anyone sees them, they’re surprised at the quality of them—especially considering the price. Never having personally owned anything other than nonstick pans, this was a real upgrade for me. I felt like I was cooking in the commercial kitchen again. I love to cook, was a cook in college [and] during the recession, and cook at my friends and family’s houses a lot when I visit. Honestly, I know people who have heavier cookware that costs more than twice this much that doesn’t handle as well as this set … All that being said, if you already have owned stainless cookware, it may not be such an upgrade. Still, a great option for the person who loves to cook but isn’t up to spending hundreds of dollars on cookware yet.”

Cuisinart 77-7 Chef’s Classic Stainless 7-Piece Cookware Set
$68, Amazon

Best 10-Piece Stainless-Steel Cookware Set with Steamer Insert

4.6 stars, 1,091 reviews
“The best part of this set (in my opinion) is the vegetable steamer! It’s such an AMAZING little attachment. It fits into any of the pots and is to be used in conjunction with all of them. I can boil pasta, put the veggies in the steamer, overtop the pasta with a lid, and steam veggies while cooking pasta—I LOVE it! … All in all, we LOVE this set and are so glad we didn’t spend the money for the more expensive ‘name-brand’ sets we looked at. These are a great value and if taken care of will last a LONG time! Enjoy!”

Cooks Standard 10-Piece Multi-Ply Clad Cookware Set, Stainless Steel
$138, Amazon

Best 10-Piece Ceramic, Nonstick Cookware Set

4.1 stars, 2,297 reviews
“So far, love these pots and pans! I wanted something nonstick (not Teflon) that would match my kitchen and stand up to regular daily use. These fit the bill well so far. They are stylish to look at, lids fit well, generously sized, materials feel nice to the touch. Grip handles feel good in the hand. They are super efficient and conduct heat much more quickly than my previous pots and pans, so I do have to be mindful of adjusting cook time and temps until I get used to them. (We have a gas stove, so I can only imagine how efficient they would be on electric.) … This set cleans up easily and is just darn pretty to look at in the cabinet. VERY pleased!”

Cook N Home NC-00358 Nonstick Ceramic Coating 10-Piece Cookware Set, Green
$56, Amazon

Best 12-Piece Porcelain, Enamel, Nonstick Cookware Set

4.4 stars, 1,319 reviews
“I absolutely LOVE this cookware set!!! The color is so beautiful and looks so pretty in the kitchen. This set includes pretty much everything you need to cook with. I’ve made some nice soups with the stewpot, cooked lots of eggs and omelettes with the frying pan, and some nice stir-frys in the larger pan with the lid. Heating up sauce in the saucepan has been so easy and heats up so fast. I love the nonstick pans as [they make] cleanup time so much faster with a rinse in the sink and a quick wash. Unfortunately, my spatula broke this summer, but it did come in handy on the outside griddle for breakfast! I recommend this cooking set, as it’s been a year and I am still happily using mine!”

Rachael Ray Cucina Hard Porcelain Enamel Nonstick Cookware Set, 12-Piece, Agave Blue
$92, Amazon

Best 12-Piece Dishwasher-Safe, Nonstick Cookware Set

4.3 stars, 1,247 reviews
“My wife and I love to cook and are fairly rough on cookware. Our last set of pots and pans looked like they had barely made it out of the Battle of the Bulge. So we started looking for something that would be tough, look good, have nonstick surfaces, and last a long time … So far, with about a year on this cookware set, it is holding up excellently. No problems with the Teflon coatings and no problems with wear or tear. This set can also be used in the dishwasher, and so far, the finish on these items is still excellent. They are easy to use and easy to clean, and the set still looks brand-new. What more can we ask for? This cookware set easily beats other sets costing 10 or 20 times as much money. Highly recommend and five stars!”

T-fal C530SC Signature Nonstick Expert Thermo-Spot Heat Indicator Dishwasher Safe Cookware Set, 12-Piece, Black
$63, Amazon

Best 12-Piece Stainless-Steel Cookware Set with Glass Lids

4.2 stars, 2,057 reviews
“I love this set. [The pots and pans] are solid and durable. While this set is inexpensive, it is not a cheap, thin set. They are very well-made and cook evenly on a gas-range stove. You can also bake in any of the pots and pans because they are metal all the way through. The only issue I have with the set is, the handles are metal and can get very hot … I keep pot holders and oven mitts on hand at all times. I would absolutely buy this set again and recommend it to others who want a good, solid set that doesn’t cost an arm and a leg.”

Cook N Home 12-Piece Stainless Steel Cookware Set
$52, Amazon

Best 12-Piece Stainless-Steel Cookware Set with Stainless-Steel Lids

4.5 stars, 3,523 reviews
“I love these pans. Fantastic buy for the money! My favorite part is the MultiClad not only on the bottom of the pans, but on the sides. The pans heat so evenly, and that makes a difference in the food. It is a superior-quality stainless-steel pan set. Pans all weighted really good, the lids fit perfect[ly] … Food cooks wonderfully both on stove top and in the oven. They clean very easily—if food sticks a bit, or more than a sponge removes in a wipe, soak a bit in plain water then wash, super easy. I immediately ordered a set for my daughter and her family for Christmas.”

Cuisinart MCP-12N Multiclad Pro Stainless Steel 12-Piece Cookware Set
$197, Amazon

Best 15-Piece Nonstick Cookware Set

4.4 stars, 1,990 reviews
“This cookware set is really amazing, each piece heats evenly and they are so convenient to use and clean. They have even created fewer dishes in the sink because I am now able to cook more in one pot or pan when I used to have to use multiples at one time. I did not realize how much easier cooking could be with the right cookware. They are also very cute, bright colors and cool shapes to them. Beware of the ones without rubber handles; always use a pot holder as the heat conducts to the ceramic handholds.”

Vremi 15 Piece Nonstick Cookware Set - Multicolor
$46, Amazon

Best 17-Piece Nonstick Cookware Set

4.4 stars, 4,161 reviews
“I purchased this set after buying several sets of cheaper cookware over a few years. I’ve had this set for over a year, and I still love it! So worth the money! First off all, they feel heavy-duty without being too heavy! The coating is great, and even stands up to the few times my husband or son have used them, which says enough right there! My eggs cook like a dream! No sticking, even without adding oil! I love that I can stick them in the oven, makes it so much easier when I want to sprinkle a topping on a skillet dish and still cook it. These are so easy to clean! Just a sponge and hot, soapy water. No need for soaking!”

Cuisinart 66-17N Chef’s Classic Non-Stick Hard Anodized, 17-Piece Set, Black
$161, Amazon

Best 18-Piece Nonstick Cookware Set

4.1 stars, 1,899 reviews
“I loveeeee these pans! … The nonstick is no joke. I’m not the best chef out there, I haven’t burned anything on these pans yet, but seriously, nothing sticks on these pans. Everything slides off so easily — it makes for a simple happiness in life. I loathe washing pans because food gets stuck to them, and it takes muscle and willpower to scrub them off. With these, I just wait for the pans to cool, soak them in warm water (if tidbits of food [or] grease are really stuck), and just wash no problem, no ridiculous amount of effort exerted. With proper care, I can see these lasting a long while. So happy to have them! And they make learning how to cook more enjoyable.”

T-fal B165SI Initiatives Nonstick Inside and Out Dishwasher Safe 18-Piece Cookware Set, Red
$83, Amazon

This article is published through a partnership with New York magazine’s the Strategist and Select All. The partnership is designed to surface the most useful, expert recommendations for things to buy across the vast e-commerce landscape. We update links when possible, but note that deals can expire and all prices are subject to change. Every editorial product is independently selected by New York magazine. If you buy something through our links, Slate and New York magazine may earn an affiliate commission.

How to Get Citibank Checking Account Cash Bonus Deal | MyBankTracker

How to Get Citibank Checking Account Cash Bonus Deal | MyBankTracker


MyBankTracker

Learn how to get the Citibank offering of a cash bonus for opening a new Regular Checking with Citibank Account Package.

Compare Checking-Account-Bonus Offers - Bankrate.com

Compare Checking-Account-Bonus Offers - Bankrate.com


Bankrate

We found you can earn up to $400 by opening a checking account. But beware of strings.

Get a Free Share of Stock from Trying Out This App

by Tracy Banks @ Banklady.com

Robinhood is a trending stock trading app that charges absolutely no commissions. They recently raised $110 million at a $1.3 billion valuation and are giving away tons of stocks with their latest promotion. They’ve started rolling out different promotions for referring new accounts as you will read below. The most exciting of which is a […]

Open A Citibank Free Checking Account And 4.75% E-Savings Account With No Balance Requirements And Get $50!

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The Best Gifts for Music Lovers

The Best Gifts for Music Lovers

by Lori Keong @ Slate Articles

This article originally appeared on the Strategist.

Finding the perfect holiday gift can be maddening—is this the color they’d want? Is it something they already have? Is it so last year?—but really, once you have a sense of a person’s taste, it’s not impossible. This season, we’ll be talking to members of various tribes to find out exactly what to get that hard-core traveler, beauty junkie, or new mom in your life. Think of it as a window into their brain trust—or at least a very helpful starting point. For our latest installment, we asked 10 music lovers about the tiny noise-canceling headphones, covetable new records, and music books they want this year.

“This might be too obvious, but it’s true: For the past few years, I’ve asked for whatever new Kendrick Lamar album is out, on vinyl. I would like DAMN. this year, please. I can’t imagine a more foolproof gift for the young music lover in your life.” —Jenn Pelly, associate reviews editor at Pitchfork and author of The Raincoats’ The Raincoats

DAMN. Vinyl Record
$27, Amazon

“I want someone to get me Lizzy Goodman’s book Meet Me in the Bathroom. I’ve had an inside joke with myself ever since it came out, because everyone was like, ‘Have you read it yet? Have you read it yet?’ and I kept saying, ‘No, I’m going to wait for someone to buy it for me’ because it’s the most ‘me’ present ever. My bosses are quoted in the book, and it’s all about Interpol and the Strokes and all these bands that I love, and a scene that I care about. And I’ve bought it for a ton of my friends, and I think it’s funny that I haven’t read it yet. I’m just waiting for it to fall in my lap.” —Shira Knishkowy, music publicist at Matador Records

Meet Me in the Bathroom: Rebirth and Rock and Roll in New York City
$18, Amazon

“One thing I always want for Christmas but never get is the 69 Love Songs album by the Magnetic Fields. I’ve never bought it for myself because I can never justify spending $100 on a box set for myself, but I keep hoping that I’ll someday get it for Christmas. It’s a pretty large accomplishment to make this sprawling album of 69 different styles and genres, with the one through line being that they’re all love songs. I think it’s the best indie-rock album of the ’90s, one of the best albums ever made actually, and I would love it on vinyl.” —Philip Cosores, deputy music editor at Uproxx

69 Love Songs Box Set
$85, Amazon

“This is on my ‘to read’ list. I love everything Murakami does, and this especially looks great. The first book of Murakami’s that drew me in was What I Talk About When I Talk About Running, meditations on running and life, wrapped in a memoir. Before devoting his life to writing, he ran a jazz bar in Tokyo, and the influence of music runs through his novels. Here in Absolutely on Music, he’s in conversation with his friend and conductor, Seiji Ozawa, of the Boston Symphony Orchestra. I’m no runner, nor particular fan of classical music, but I’ll happily go on this excursion with him.” —Karl Henkell, editor-in-chief of Record

Absolutely on Music: Conversations
$19, Amazon

“This pocket operator is made by Teenage Engineering and comes in many forms. I already have the PO-12, which is a drum machine, but would love to expand my collection. The PO-14 is a great bass-line synthesizer with a sequencer and much more. What’s great about the pocket operators is, you can chain them together and sync them up to play music.” —Demo Taped, musician and producer

Teenage Engineering Sub Bass Synthesizer
$50, Amazon

“Brian Eno recently remastered a bunch of his solo records, the ones that are more pop-leaning. And they’re mastered at half-speed, so you play them at 45 rpm instead of 33 rpm, which is better for audio. They’re all records that I’ve wanted to own for a while and haven’t been able to track down a good copy. They don’t sell it in my local record shop, but they released Taking Tiger Mountain and Another Green World (which is one of my favorite records of all time), and I would love to get my hands on those.” —Caroline Marchildon, music publicist at Secretly Group

Taking Tiger Mountain LP
$31, Amazon

“This book is a collection of solutions for when you are stuck creatively. It offers different approaches to making music and finding inspiration. I think it would be a very useful tool to any producer. Feeling stuck happens to every artist at some point no matter the medium. This book would be a great way to get the ball rolling creatively.” —Demo Taped

Making Music: 74 Creative Strategies for Electronic Music Producers E-book
$10, Amazon

“I don’t have a Bluetooth speaker, so this is something that I’ve been wanting for a minute, but I was kind of overwhelmed by the choices. I feel like it’s such a convenient thing to have, even at home if you’re hanging out in the kitchen, for parties, or even for travel. I found one from Bang & Olufsen that’s not that expensive. It’s oval-shaped, it’s a really nice color, and is a nice, sleek size, so you could easily stow it away if you wanted. I feel like some of them are bulky or don’t look that great, but this one is a pretty reasonable price and it looks really nice.” —Caroline Marchildon

B&O Play Portable Bluetooth Speaker
$132, Amazon

“I wear these at every show we play and every show I attend. They’re perfect for a music lover who would like to continue listening to music for a long time.” —Lucy Dacus, musician

Pro 17 Hearing Protection
$185, Amazon

“This is an awesome, futuristic voice-controlled speaker, so it’s kind of like Alexa mixed with a speaker, which I really like. Instead of using a remote, it’s easier to just communicate with it. And Sonos is a really good product, so I’m excited to use it.” —Ilana Kaplan, freelance music writer and editor

Sonos One: The Smart Speaker for Music Lovers
$199, Amazon

“I used to have a pair of Bose headphones that an ex-boyfriend bought me, and they were amazing because I travel all the time. I’m on planes every other week, and they come in a really nice case that I can leave in my purse so I don’t forget them, and they don’t get lost or tangled in my bag. But then, of course, I did lose them about a year ago, and I’ve been missing them ever since. They’re so amazing: They’re really small and comfortable, but the sound quality’s amazing.” —Shira Knishkowy

Bose Quiet Comfort Acoustic Noise-Canceling Headphones
$249, Amazon

“After having kids, I’ve had to get rid of my sprawling turntable setup and record collection. This turntable stand centralizes all the gear plus record storage into a neatly organized space with a minimal footprint. It prevents the hobby from taking over your life.” —Peter Hahn, co-founder of Turntable Lab

Line Phono Turntable Station
$499, Amazon

“Ableton is one of our favorite DAWs (digital audio workstations) because of its user-friendly flow. The capabilities are endless with sound-engineering, and it’s also perfect to use on the go. Because we are traveling so much and always on airplanes, this DAW allows us to pull ideas from our head and build out demos super fast while we’re on the go.” —Trevor Dahl, Kevin Ford, and Matthew Russell of electronic music trio Cheat Codes

Ableton Live 9-Suite Multi-Track Audio
$639, Amazon

This article is published through a partnership with New York magazine’s the Strategist and Select All. The partnership is designed to surface the most useful, expert recommendations for things to buy across the vast e-commerce landscape. We update links when possible, but note that deals can expire and all prices are subject to change. Every editorial product is independently selected by New York magazine. If you buy something through our links, Slate and New York magazine may earn an affiliate commission.

Accountemps Survey Finds 29 Percent of Workers Plan to Look for a New Job in 2018

by Angela Rose @ Miles and Points Strategies for Your Next Free Ticket

Are you thinking about taking a look at other employment options? If so, you’re not alone. In a recent survey of more than 2,700 workers across 27 major U.S. cities by staffing firm Accountemps, nearly three in ten respondents said they plan to look for a new job in the next 12 months. RewardExpert spoke with Michael Steinitz, executive director of Accountemps about the survey results and his tips for landing your next position.

Check To See If You’re Targeted For A $5 Or $10 Bonus For Sending 3 Chase Quickpay Payments

by Dan @ DansDeals.com

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Chase Premier Plus Checking Coupon Code

by Anthony Nguyen @ Bank Deal Guy

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The post Chase Premier Plus Checking Coupon Code appeared first on Bank Deal Guy.

VITAL Credit Card – 1% Cash Back Plus Referral Bonuses – Scam or Ponzi Scheme?

VITAL Credit Card – 1% Cash Back Plus Referral Bonuses – Scam or Ponzi Scheme?

by TheRewardBoss @ The Reward Boss

The VITAL credit card is a new VISA that's in pre-release and accepting “early-access” users who are interested before their expected launch mid-2018. The benefits touted by the card are 1% cash back on all purchases, cash rewards from referring others, as well as a nice metal credit card. The main new thing here is referring…

The post VITAL Credit Card – 1% Cash Back Plus Referral Bonuses – Scam or Ponzi Scheme? appeared first on The Reward Boss.

Fostering a Future

Fostering a Future

by Mallory Ortberg @ Slate Articles

Mallory Ortberg, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Sign up below to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com.)

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Mallory Ortberg: Good morning, everybody! Let’s get involved in one another’s business, shall we?

Q: Foster parenting a dating dud?: I’m a 30-year-old single female. It’s always been an aspiration of mine to become a foster parent. There is a tremendous need for it in my county, and I want to help kids and their families. Another desire of mine is to get married and build a family with said husband. Most of my friends and family have been overwhelmingly supportive as I’ve been going through the necessary trainings and background checks to be a foster parent, and I anticipate having my first placement within six months.

However, one friend suggested that I’m setting myself up for old maid status by putting a “barrier between myself and a man who’s interested in me.” My initial response was “good, it’ll help weed out the men not cut out for me,” but upon further thought, perhaps I’m being cavalier? Anyone dating in 2018 knows it isn’t easy. I want love with a life partner, and I want to share love with kids in need—must it be mutually exclusive?

A: Is your friend Rachel Lynde? I’m not sure how helpful your friend is, but she certainly has a way with words. I certainly don’t encourage you to think of any children you might foster as tiny little engagement-ring-blockers. The idea, I suppose, is that it’s only possible to snag a husband if one is as commitment-free and unencumbered as possible, and your hypothetical future mate, who might have been interested in you had you two met at a coffee shop, is going to be scared off if he sees you’ve started parenting without him. There’s some truth to that, in the sense that single parents often have a more challenging time dating than the childless, whether that be arranging for child care in order to go on dates or figuring out how to broach the topic with a new boyfriend or girlfriend without making it sound like they’re looking for a just-add-water stepparent.

This is fairly common knowledge, but I think it bears repeating: Not everyone finds the love of their life, or even a middling-to-good love of their life. Some people are really lovable, really responsible, really earnest, and really want to settle down with someone, and it just doesn’t work out that way. I have no idea if you’ll meet a guy you want to marry, and who wants to marry you; much less whether or not it will happen if you start fostering children first. Probably starting to foster children will make it more challenging, not less, but it’s not the same thing as “setting up a barrier” against marriage. You’re not Sleeping Beauty trapped behind a marriage-repelling wall of briars. You’re saying that you’re ready to start being a foster parent, husband or no husband. You can either wait to find a husband and settle down together (which, as you well know, there’s no guarantee you will) before you do so, or you can start now; I think it makes a lot of sense that you’ve decided you’re ready to move ahead, with or without the husband. If he comes along, that’s great. I hope he does! But if he doesn’t, you won’t have put your life on hold for him.

Q: How do I politely turn down charity?: I’m a nearly 40-year-old single parent (by choice) to a delightful toddler. Last year I moved to a small town for a change of pace and a less expensive lifestyle. I invested a good deal of my savings into opening my own business. I’m by no means wealthy but live a happy, comfortable life.

Over the holidays I had some minor car trouble and asked some friends and family to help diagnose the problem via social media. I took their suggestions and did the repairs myself with very little effort or expense. A few days ago, I noticed the facilitator of a mom-child group I attend post on Facebook asking for donations for a “single mom” with a small child and a remarkably similar car problem in need in the community.

Mutual friends have confirmed this mom is me. It was my birthday and I was out for a drink with close friends when I learned about this and didn’t have an opportunity to respond. The next day I was out of town and again busy, but several people have contacted me to ask about my “car problems” and wondered if I “need anything.”

I find myself so angry and humiliated that I don’t know how to respond. This woman has always seemed like she feels bad for me for being a single mom, but we’re not personally close and I enjoy most aspects of the group she facilitates, so have never felt the need to go out of my way to correct her perception. I understand her intentions may have been good, but when other moms in the group have had similar problems, there was no hat passed around.

How do I politely say that just because I don’t have a husband doesn’t mean I am struggling financially or otherwise? I have a handle on my household finances and don’t appreciate her painting me as financially unstable in my new community as I’m establishing myself as a small-business owner.

A: “Hey, [mutual friend] mentioned that you had started a fundraiser on Facebook for my car problem. I’ve already done the repairs myself and don’t need anything beyond the help diagnosing the problem I’ve already gotten, so please don’t continue to raise money on my behalf. I’m sure you meant well, but in the future, I’m not comfortable having any fundraisers set up in my name when I haven’t specifically asked for help.”

Q: Not the same: My 20-year-old brother came out as gay last year; it wasn’t the biggest surprise and it didn’t bother anyone. His current relationship does. My brother is currently dating a man who is five years older than our own mother. He showers my brother with extremely expensive gifts, plies him with alcohol, and has taken him on spur-of-the-moment trips to Las Vegas.

All of this gives me the creeps and has the rest of our family very worried. My brother gets very defensive any time someone brings it up. My brother has missed school and family events because of this guy. Half the time, he doesn’t even tell anyone where he is going or what he is doing. My brother tries to deflect our concerns by making it about him being gay. When I point out that he called the thirtysomething guys crawling around the college bars for co-eds “creepy” and “pathetic,” he insists it is not the same.

I am really worried about my brother and something happening to him. I have met this guy twice and his behavior around my brother is more like how someone treats a pet rather than a partner (talks down to him, et cetera). What can I do? Is there any way to get through to him?

A: It’s so difficult to figure out how to offer support and also be honest with someone you love who’s in a damaging relationship without making them feel defensive and retreating even further into isolation. I think you should be judicious about expressing your concerns with your brother, since he’s already got his hackles up, and make it clear that you’re not trying to tell him what to do.

If something comes up that troubles you, whether that be the fact that he’s missing school or some aspect of the serious imbalance of power in their relationship, then I think you should raise it but be prepared to back off if necessary. “Hey, I’m worried about [X] and I haven’t seen you much lately. I miss talking to you. I don’t want you to feel like [terrible boyfriend] is an off-limits topic of conversation, or that every time we talk I’m going to try to convince you to leave your relationship, but I’m worried about how much school you’re missing, and I don’t like the way he talks down to you. How are you doing? I’m here to listen, and I promise I’ll drop the subject if you really don’t want to talk about it right now.” Then be as good as your word.

If your brother really doesn’t want to talk about his boyfriend, as painful as that might be for you right now, talk about something else. Keep the line of communication open between the two of you. This doesn’t mean you’ll be able to convince your brother this relationship is unhealthy overnight, but try to think of the work you’re doing now as laying a foundation for when your brother eventually does feel ready to leave.

Q. Difficult to endure: I’m a middle-aged woman with a genetic disorder that makes me very physically unattractive, and I’ve therefore never been able to date. I have managed to cultivate a few platonic friendships with men, however, which I value. But these friends have a habit of pulling back and limiting contact as soon as they’ve have their first experience of being ridiculed by other men for being seen with me in public.

I don’t know how to address this—these aren’t shallow people, and I understand it’s distressing for them when I’m mistaken for their date or partner. I’m used to being harassed just for existing, but this is new to them. Do I wear an “I’m not his girlfriend” T-shirt?

A: They are shallow people if their response to being ridiculed by other men for simply being seen next to you in public is to start acting like they don’t know you. The appropriate response to being harassed by another man (whether he’s a stranger or someone you know) for standing next to your friend is not to retreat in silent embarrassment, it’s to say, “What the hell made you decide to say such a vile thing out loud?”

I’m so sorry that you’re this used to being harassed in public, and that the kinds of men you’ve been able to establish meaningful friendships with have proved to be superficial cowards once they’ve gotten a small taste of what you experience on a daily basis. I understand that your last suggestion was made mostly in jest, but it’s absolutely heartbreaking that you feel on some level an implicit responsibility to tell strangers “Don’t worry, I know my place.” A good friend would rise immediately, publicly, loudly, and enthusiastically to your defense if someone tried to tell them they should be embarrassed for going out in public with you. Any friend whose response is to clam up and stop returning your calls doesn’t deserve the name.

Q: Cream cheese hero: While out of town with my boyfriend, we went to the breakfast buffet at our hotel. We were the only ones in the room of the help-yourself-style breakfast. They were out of cream cheese at the time and I found myself disappointed. Trying to be helpful, my boyfriend went into fixer mode and helped me look around the room to see if I’d missed it or if we could find a stash to replenish the supply, which included him quickly checking in what I’d assumed to be an unlocked closet/storage area. I’m the type of person who assumes that if a door is closed, the staff probably doesn’t want you in there, so I mildly protested to this. After the fact, he mentioned he’d actually jimmied the lock open rather easily with a credit card to get into that room.

The effort to solve my problem is sweet in spirit, but it makes me a little uncomfortable. It’s the most mild breaking and entering I’ve heard of, but it still sort of counts. He sees it as a pretty benign thing, somewhat akin to being resourceful and self-sufficient, and the worst that would have happened if he’d been caught is they would have asked him not to do that. He’s got a mild streak of “let’s toe the line when the stakes are super low and it wouldn’t really matter” attitude while I’m more of a “follow the rules because it’s polite and makes things run smoothly” person. I don’t think he’d do something like that again if I asked him not to, but the question is: Is this a red flag or a harmless, if mildly misguided, thing?

A: My money’s on charming, but charming doesn’t always mean harmless, and with the obvious caveat that I’d be totally embarrassed if someone I was dating broke into a storage closet at a hotel buffet. It’s not a red flag, I don’t think, but if he has a habit of cheerfully disregarding rules and locks (it’d certainly be different if there had been an employee working who could have been alarmed or confused by someone breaking into a storage closet), it might certainly turn yellow, especially if that disregard leads him to steamroll over other people. But on its own, this story doesn’t lead me to think you should be worried about your boyfriend.

That said! You are well within your rights to be a cautious person who does not break rules, and you do not have to keep quiet if he does things that bother you just because his way is more “fun.” If you don’t like something he says or does, if it embarrasses you or seems inconsiderate of others, then speak up, and have a good old-fashioned argument about it.

Q: Re: Turning down charity: You absolutely have to contact the mom soliciting donations and offer a donation! I would act oblivious as to where the money is going and enthusiastic about helping a neighbor in need. Don’t get sucked into small town drama and hold your head high.

A: Oh my god, that’s beautiful and petty, which is one of my favorite combinations. Thank you for this. (I still think your best bet is to be direct, but this is definitely my second choice.)

Q: The furious ex: I have reconnected with the man I would genuinely describe as the love of my life. We dated in high school and lost contact when we went off to college. He is divorced with two kids and fighting to get full custody of them. His ex has been diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder and will alternate between cursing him out and begging to him to take her back (I have heard the voicemails). She consistently lies and tries to use the kids as a weapon against him. We have gone out on a few dates, mostly as friends, and I am falling in love with him again, but I don’t know if I can deal with all this. I think I would be a good stepmom, but their mother would go ballistic on me. What should I do? Hang back and wait? Be a friend despite my feelings?

A: I think you should try to get a sense of what your would-be boyfriend’s strategy is for dealing with his ex-wife. This isn’t a boundary that you’re solely responsible for setting—if he’s trying to date again, he should have at least some sense for how he manages his interactions with her and tries to ensure that she doesn’t harass anyone he’s seeing.

It’s great that you think you would be a good stepmom, but I worry that the fact that you guys dated in high school and you consider him “the love of your life” has pushed you eight or nine steps ahead of yourself. He has not asked you to help co-parent his children, and you’ve only been on a few friendly dates. If you want to go on another date, then go on another date—don’t emotionally go on the next 20 dates at once. Talk to him about your feelings, don’t rush into being his second wife before he’s even asked, and figure out how you two will deal with any possible interactions with his ex together.

Q: Re: Foster parenting a dating dud?: Never put your life on hold until you find a husband/wife. The best catches want to marry a whole person, not someone waiting for someone who will give them permission to become complete!

A: An enthusiastic and wholehearted recommendation for moving ahead! I think it’s often rare in life that we have a really clear sense of what we want, as well as a strategy for how to get it, and if you’ve got that right now when it comes to being a foster parent, then you should seize the opportunity.

Discuss this column with Dear Prudence on her Facebook page!

YETI Hopper Backflip vs RTIC Backpack Cooler – Which is the Best Backpack Cooler?

by Rand Shoaf @ Well Traveled Mile

If you are checking out the best backpack coolers, the first comparison should be the YETI Hopper Backflip vs RTIC Backpack Cooler. These are two of the top models around, making them exceptional options to choose from. With so many backpack coolers available, you may have difficulty figuring out which are the best models to […]

The post YETI Hopper Backflip vs RTIC Backpack Cooler – Which is the Best Backpack Cooler? appeared first on Well Traveled Mile.

Ending Soon: Delta Award Sale Starting at 10,000 Miles Round-Trip!

Ending Soon: Delta Award Sale Starting at 10,000 Miles Round-Trip!

by Jason @ Million Mile Secrets

Via The Points Guy, Delta is running a sale on award flights to Seattle or Portland from US and Canadian cities with prices starting at 10,000 Delta miles round-trip in coach. To get in on the deal, you must book by 11:59 pm Eastern Time tomorrow, February 14, 2018.  For travel between April 15 and June 9, 2018. Normally, most round-trip …

20+ Best Bank Promotions & Bonus Offers ($100 Minimum!)

20+ Best Bank Promotions & Bonus Offers ($100 Minimum!)


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Ends Tomorrow: JetBlue Fare Sale From $39 One-Way!

Ends Tomorrow: JetBlue Fare Sale From $39 One-Way!

by Jason @ Million Mile Secrets

Via Deals We Like, JetBlue is having a 2-day fare sale with one-way fares starting at $39, though almost all fares are higher. The JetBlue Keep it Simple, Cupid sale is valid for travel between March 6, 2018, to June, 13, 2018.  But you must book by February 14, 2018, by the earlier of 11:59 pm …

For an Increasing Number of Youth in Juvenile Detention, Learning Is Possible

For an Increasing Number of Youth in Juvenile Detention, Learning Is Possible

by Francesca Berardi @ Slate Articles

Before Malik was locked away in a juvenile prison in Woodsbend, a small town tucked into Kentucky’s Appalachian Mountains, he didn’t care much about school. No one in his immediate family has a high school diploma and his teachers, it seemed, only cared about the successful students.

Malik, who is 18, spent a year and a half at Woodsbend for burglary and robbery. His experience in juvenile detention completely shifted his perspective on education. The game changer was his encounter with Stephen McKenzie, a teacher who earned Malik’s trust by showing him that he wouldn’t give up on him during a course in chemistry. To help him get comfortable with the material, McKenzie set up a makeshift lab just for Malik: a project that requires extra imagination in a juvenile facility since many chemicals and objects are banned. “He showed me how to tell volumes using cups full of water and different weights,” Malik says.

The day Malik completed the chemistry course, McKenzie and other members of the staff borrowed a lab coat from the facility’s nurse and brought it to him. “He was holding a beaker and he was ... just smiling,” McKenzie recalls of the moment, which they photographed.

Malik’s academic turnaround is not an isolated story at Woodsbend or other juvenile facilities in Kentucky. In 2013, the state revamped its approach to education through a combination of new strategies: It expanded the use of online education without forgoing in-person instruction and shored up vocational programs. The budget remains the same, it’s just being used more creatively.

This is part of a national effort to transform schooling in juvenile education centers. Increasingly, officials are realizing that incarcerated youth are in a unique position to buckle down and focus on school—even if they’ve been wayward or absent students in their former lives. While incarcerated, students like Malik are, in effect, a captive audience with little else to occupy their time. Some of them experience an epiphany of sorts when, separated from past living conditions and habits, they can finally recognize and appreciate the importance of education in forging a different path.

For decades, incarcerated youth have been the forgotten students of American education. But they’re also the population where a few extra resources, creativity, and support can go the furthest. Slowly—too slowly, some say—that’s starting to change, in Kentucky and elsewhere.

The organization behind much of this work is the five-year-old Washington, D.C.–based nonprofit Center for Educational Excellence in Alternative Settings, which has been helping Kentucky and 17 other states across the country rethink budgeting, teacher training, and educational programming for incarcerated youth. Specifically, the organization hosts training camps for teachers and administrators from juvenile facilities, where they gather to share ideas and brainstorm together. Over the past four years, educators from 70 facilities have taken part in these sessions.

The center has customized relationships with partner states and cities: Some just send teachers to the training, or rely on the group for help with specialized programming; in other cases, the center is much more involved, managing the day-to-day operations of the juvenile facility. Center founder David Domenici, who is a lawyer, says he hopes the work will help spark a broader “revolution” throughout the country. He was founding principal of the Maya Angelou Academy, a facility serving incarcerated youth in Washington. At Maya Angelou, Domenici test-drove his ideas, which he hoped would create a far more engaging and individualized approach for students.

In New Orleans, the school actually runs inside the city’s juvenile center, serving an average of 40 students. Over the summer, Domenici announced the results of their first year: Three students graduated, and overall the kids at the school passed 79 “end-of-course exams,” which are a requirement for graduation in Louisiana.

This year Kentucky paid the center a fee of $17,500 for technical support, advice in key areas, and teacher training. The person responsible for bringing the center’s approach to Kentucky is Sylvia Kuster, a former elementary teacher who now oversees the educational programs in six detention centers where youth wait for their trials, and eight more long-term facilities for juveniles convicted of crimes.

Kuster, who is 69, divides her time between her house in northeastern Kentucky, her office in Frankfurt, and her white Toyota, which she calls her second apartment. With a change of pressed clothes always hanging in the back of her car, she often travels from one youth facility to another.

She first reached out to Domenici’s organization in 2013 because she wanted support helping incarcerated students use the Internet more safely and effectively in their coursework. Domenici and his team showed teachers how to tightly monitor and control web use within their correctional centers, creating “blacklists” and “whitelists” of websites, and keeping track of the search histories on each device. Whereas inmates were previously forced to work on computer courses that were anything but interactive, the new protocol allows them to take more sophisticated courses like their peers on “the outside.”

The dividends of that outreach were clear one sunny morning in early May, when a dozen students sat in the math and science class at the Woodsbend facility, each of them focused on their own personalized program. One of them studied the effects of pollution on lungs, reading an article from a scientific magazine on an iPad. Every few minutes, he stopped to take notes in a notebook and to answer written questions provided by a teacher. A student named Chad, 18, sat at a computer designing a racing car with a 3-D design app called Tinker and an online tutorial opened in another window. “I enjoy doing this stuff,” said Chad. “All that I want now is a diploma,” he added, noting that online courses may help make that more feasible.

At Woodsbend, teachers and students communicate through an internal email server, and maintain a sharing platform through Edmodo, where educators can post links to YouTube videos thanks to a filter called Safeshare. Students can also use Chromebooks and work after school hours with an offline system. The software and Chromebooks were either provided by Domenici’s group or purchased with federal money from Title I funds.

In the Northern Kentucky Youth Development Center, Aaron, who is 16, said he’s able to “fly” through his courses thanks to the new online programming. In the first two weeks at the center he earned an entire credit in science, which usually takes a semester. He says the courses provide plenty of examples, videos, and lab lectures. Aaron dreams of attending college someday—he’s already compiled a list of ones that interest him—and wants to study either criminal justice or engineering.

One new initiative that makes Kuster feel especially proud is a partnership with the Department of Labor that grants certificates and trains kids for jobs in fields with the greatest number of openings. In Woodsbend, they offer carpentry and electricity. At the Northern Kentucky Youth Development Center, classes are offered in fiber-optic wiring and masonry, two growing sectors in the area.

There are a few reasons this effort is happening now.

The first is the national push to decrease the number of juvenile inmates. Over the past 10 years, the number of incarcerated youth has fallen from about 93,000 in 2006 to 48,000 in 2015. With less-crowded facilities, administrators have been able to start focusing on how to improve their services, rather than using all their energy to maintain order. “People started asking: Now that it is not terrible, can we actually make it good?” says Domenici.

In order to decrease the number of incarcerated youth, some states are attempting to create alternative community-based programs that keep kids monitored but out of jail-like settings. In Kentucky, there has also been a push to avoid incarcerating youth who commit “status offenses”—noncriminal acts such as running away from home or attempting to purchase tobacco or alcohol underage. It’s a challenging work in progress: In 2014 more than 1,000 juveniles in Kentucky were still detained for these more minor offenses.

The move to shrink and improve these places is responding to the growing recognition that juvenile facilities often exacerbate social inequality rather than rehabilitate wayward youth. A letter released by the federal departments of justice and education in 2014 reported that fewer than 50 percent of incarcerated youth were earning a diploma, and more than 70 percent had learning disabilities, prompting agitation and lawsuits from advocates, parents, and even governmental agencies across the country. The federal government urged local administrators to “be creative” and find a way to offer an education “comparable to offerings in traditional public schools.”

The needs of the remaining students is partly why states like Kentucky can’t rely on online courses alone to improve their educational offerings. They also need more dedicated and qualified teachers throughout their youth facilities.

“Our educational program has improved tremendously, but we need more teachers,” says Kuster, adding that they’re obliged to follow the student to teacher ratio set by the local school district. With the impossibility of hiring a range of specialist teachers, most educators at Woodsbend take on several roles. Last May, the principal was also teaching English and social studies. Stephen McKenzie taught math and science (he is licensed in both). Two vocational teachers offered training in carpentry and electricity. And another educator taught kids life and resume-building skills so they could apply for jobs and manage their personal finances. The majority of the youths who arrive at the facility are behind academically, sometimes unable even to read. And Kuster says the facility desperately needs a qualified special education instructor.

Because of fluctuations in the prison population and different agencies involved, the jobs aren’t always stable, which can be a deterrent to potential teachers. But those who work in juvenile facilities say there are other rewards apart from the pay. There’s no comparison to watching a formerly troubled student turn his life around. In the Northern Kentucky Youth Development Center—a facility where the majority of kids have been charged with sexual offenses—Dave Gideon, a former youth worker, finds the greatest remuneration in his students’ progress. He teaches a vocational course in fiber optic wiring and recalls one student named Jonathan, who was angry and disillusioned when he arrived at the detention center last fall. Jonathan had been living in a car with his father, and his mother was in jail; he had earned only seven high school credits.

Jonathan, who is 18, had become much more motivated and consistent with his schoolwork inside the facility. He took most of his courses online, but his favorite class was a hands-on course: the one in fiber-optic wiring taught by Gideon. “Thanks to people like David, something that I thought was impossible, now is very, very possible,” Jonathan said last May while sitting in his classroom. “Here they taught me to be honest and patient, something important for my future outside.” There are many things he dislikes about being incarcerated, but he appreciates the reliability. “I know that everything in that schedule is actually going to happen,” he says. “Before, I didn't even know when I would be eating my next meal—now I can make plans.” Jonathan graduated and was released over the summer. He is currently living in a group home and working on enrolling in a community college.

As the continued difficulty attracting and hiring enough qualified teachers shows, the new improvement efforts certainly haven’t solved all of the myriad problems facing juvenile inmates (and nor has the Center for Educational Excellence in Alternative Settings even reached a majority of states). Although the numbers of youth inmates are dropping, those kids who remain tend to have greater social problems and need much more intense care than some of their predecessors. Experts say that accountability is a thorny, and huge, challenge. Tracking results is particularly difficult at schools inside juvenile facilities: many kids spend only short stints there, and there’s often not a consistent enough number to make graduation rate data meaningful, for instance. According to Peter Leone, a professor at the University of Maryland’s College of Education, the federal government needs to issue much clearer guidelines to states on how schools inside juvenile facilities should be run, and how results should be tracked—and not hesitate to withhold federal funds from those states that don’t meet the standards.

In the meantime, there’s a new sense of optimism at least among some, including McKenzie, the math and science instructor at Woodsbend. He says that initially he felt frustrated and somewhat isolated when he began teaching there; even with 18 years of experience in public schools, he had no idea how to connect with teachers in other juvenile facilities. The meetings with staff from the Center for Educational Excellence helped change that. Now, he’s in touch with teachers working in similar settings from across the country and he’s confident he can make a difference, at least with some students.

In May, when I visited Woodsbend, Malik did not know whether he would soon be released or would have to transfer to an adult facility to finish his sentence. During his incarceration, he earned his high school diploma and even took some college courses; he dreams of finishing his college studies and becoming an industrial electrician. Malik felt an attachment—and appreciation—for the teachers at Woodsbend that’s unlike any connection he’s ever had with a school. He’s out now, but he knows one day he’ll return to Kentucky’s Appalachian Mountains to revisit Woodsbend—this time of his own volition. “Whenever I graduate college, I’ll go to Woodsbend and thank my teachers,” he says.

The Best Gifts for Every Type of Boss

The Best Gifts for Every Type of Boss

by Strategist Editors @ Slate Articles

This article originally appeared on the Strategist.

Buying a gift for your boss can be a potential minefield. Spend too much and you risk making her feel uncomfortable. Spend too little and you might as well not get anything at all. We went and found gifts for every type of boss there is, all of which hit that perfect sweet spot between too personal and just personal enough.

For the Frazzled Boss

Don’t try to get them to bullet journal (not happening). Instead, try a productivity planner with inspirational mantras and proven organizational techniques.

Productivity Planner
$25, Amazon

For the Frazzled Boss Into Florals

If your boss needs a reason to get into a 17-month planner, what better one than this gorgeous illustrated version from Florida company Rifle Paper Co.?

Rifle Paper Co. 17-Month Planner
$34, Amazon

For the Boss With a Sad Office Desk

Zhuzh it up with an optimistic succulent in a neat, clean-lined terrarium.

Tabletop Succulent Planter
$23, Amazon

For the Boss With Office-Chair Posture

Those cheap desk chairs do a number on your back, but the BackJoy forces you to sit better (here’s another chair add-on we love for better chair posture, too).

BackJoy SitSmart Posture Plus
$40, Amazon

For the .0001 Percent Boss

If your boss is megarich (and has a sense of humor), a tongue-in-cheek take on the very moneyed class, in the vein of The Official Preppy Handbook.

The Official Filthy Rich Handbook
$10, Amazon

For the Thirsty Boss

Our very favorite water bottle—and coffee thermos and beach beverage holder—is something your boss won’t even know they needed.

Zojirushi Stainless Steel Water Bottle
$24, Amazon

For the Extra Thirsty Boss

When your boss needs something a little stronger than coffee, you can’t beat the original Stanley flask (throw in a mini bottle of bourbon for good measure).

Stanley Classic Flask
$12, Amazon

For the Boss Who’d Rather Be Golfing

We get it—something about the back nine and par and a birdie or whatever. Now they can putt in the office.

Putt-A-Bout Par 3
$34, Amazon

For the Fit Boss

The new super-slim Fitbit tracks steps and sleep patterns but is also swim-proof—for the triathletes who have to clock in.

Fitbit Flex 2
$60, Amazon

For the Youth-Obsessed Boss

Save this for a boss you’re chummy with (it can come off as, um, insulting), but the power of retinols for reducing fine lines and wrinkles is undeniable.

Radha Beauty Retinol Moisturizer
$19, Amazon

For the First-In, Last-Out Boss

Not subtle by any means, but gifting them Arianna’s book on the importance of work-life balance may be the best gift they (and you) every get.

Thrive by Arianna Huffington
$12, Amazon

For the Boss Who’s Obsessed With Luke

A lot of Stars Hollow–themed gifts are too cheesy to use in real life—this mug is actually cute, even if you’re not a Gilmore fan.

Gilmore Girls Luke’s Mug
$15, Amazon

For the Boss With Low Blood Sugar

Healthy(ish) snacks from Today show health expert Joy Bauer.

Nourish Snacks Monkey Love
$19, Amazon

For the Yoga-at-Lunch Boss

A gym bag doesn’t have to look like a gym bag—this one from Baggu’s cool enough for work, weekend, and even a night out.

Baggu Basic Tote
$180, Amazon

For the Boss Who’s Always Cold

Help them regulate the temperature with a cozy Pendleton wool blanket.

Pendleton Eco-Wise Washable Throw
$119, Amazon

For the Boss Who’s Stressed

Our favorite stress-relief toy: a rubbery sand mixture that’s a tactile delight. Just squeezing and releasing the sand clears the tension.

Kinetic Sand
$20, Amazon

For the Boss Who’s Really Stressed

When Kinetic Sand just won’t cut it, a Shiatsu kneading massager for head, back, and feet may be the big-ticket item that does the trick.

Gideon Shiatsu Kneading Massage Pillow
$35, Amazon

For the Boss Who Packs a Lunch

Make it fun and stackable with a dishwasher- and microwave-safe set of bento boxes.

Monbento Boxes
$33, Amazon

For the Boss Who Needs a Reading Light

A desk lamp that doesn’t look like a desk lamp, this Scandinavian mixed-media version could belong in a museum.

Tomons Scandinavian Reading Light
$35, Amazon

For the Boss Who’s Better Than the Supply Closet

No generic No. 2’s for them! The Japanese-made Midori brass pencil case gives everything they write extra gravitas—it saves pencils that are down to their last nubs, too.

Midori Brass Pencil Case
$28, Amazon

This article is published through a partnership with New York magazine’s the Strategist and Select All. The partnership is designed to surface the most useful, expert recommendations for things to buy across the vast e-commerce landscape. We update links when possible, but note that deals can expire and all prices are subject to change. Every editorial product is independently selected by New York magazine. If you buy something through our links, Slate and New York magazine may earn an affiliate commission.

For a Member of the Creative Class, Space Is a Luxury Just Out of Reach

For a Member of the Creative Class, Space Is a Luxury Just Out of Reach

by Sandra Beasley @ Slate Articles

In May 2015, my husband and I moved from a one-bedroom in the Adams Morgan neighborhood in Washington to a one-bedroom in a Southwest neighborhood known as the Waterfront. Our rent increase was minor, from $2,000 a month to $2,100 a month, putting us squarely in the median price range for a D.C. one-bedroom as described by a study conducted that year by the online rental site Zumper. I embraced the better view and made peace with the fact that, once again, the kitchen table would serve as my desk.

Many days I wake up around 3 a.m. to work. The work varies: drafting an essay, editing a poem, fellowship application, paid manuscript consultation, preparing for class. I work for several hours, then fall back asleep. That way I feel at least a little refreshed when my second round of work for the day starts. Making my way through the world as a writer, I enjoy a tremendous amount of flexibility. But the work never stops.

In 2015, the U.S. Census Bureau reported that the D.C. median household income was $75,628. We don’t earn that much. In order to convince owners to rent apartments to me, I’ve pled my case with unconventional documentation, including a publishing contract, a grant letter from the National Endowment for the Arts, and a fistful of 1099s. Many urban centers supposedly value their creative class but, according to computer algorithms looking for 1-to-3 ratios of rent to income in order to approve our application, we don’t belong here. Yet we choose to be here. And with four books behind me, an anthology due out next year, and two manuscripts in hand, I’ve realized: I need a room of my own.

What could that room look like? Many local office hubs target entrepreneurs. Base rates for WeWork or The Hive exceed $300 per month for access to a desk, and perks such as meeting spaces and digital projection are lost on me. The Writer’s Center and D.C. Writers Room use modest rates to target literary communities but are clustered in Northwest. Although 24-hour access is a standard amenity, I’m reluctant to drive there in the middle of the night—my critical creative window—and a locker won’t hold all the reference materials I might need. As part of my revision process, I read aloud. Repeatedly. Hard to imagine doing that in an open-floor plan.

My autocorrect in email keeps changing coworking space to cowering space.

You need a home office, a little voice keeps saying. My work is the primary engine of our income, a determining factor for our household schedule. My next career breakthrough won’t come about through $200 freelance assignments taken on to pay off a monthly “all-access” Cove workspace membership, or an adjunct class that gives me a shared cubicle at a local university. The writing that matters is big, stressful, book-length projects that delve deep, can’t be scheduled between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m., and are almost entirely uncompensated up front.

My husband knows this. He does what he can to give me the creative space I need, but there are not many places to hide in 900 square feet. Some days he gets up right as I come back to bed, trekking to sites around the city where he is paid by the hour to install rain barrels. Some days he heads to his studio to paint. My husband’s “room of his own” is part of a bargain struck over a decade ago, when a longtime friend moved his family to Spain. He gets a raw space to make art in that friend’s row house basement, in return for keeping an eye on the upstairs tenants. Without that grace, finances might have driven him out of the city before we ever met.

Many think of Washington as a town with high turnover. I get that—the politicians, the diplomats, and, frankly, the friends who show up to one or two events, burn out after a year, and move. But D.C. is filled with good people terrified of losing the security of their place: the artist whose management company renegotiates her lease every time she takes on a new roommate; the poet with disability who needs an accessible building with two working elevators; the musician who doesn’t have a guarantor waiting in the wings. If we save money by moving to the edges of gentrifying neighborhoods, we spend more money on transit. That sidewalk cafe, the one where I’m supposed to camp out and write in my notebook? They now charge $4 for a cup of coffee.

I brew perfectly good coffee. When I first brought up the possibility of a second bedroom, my ace in the hole was the tax deduction—not for coffee, but rent on square footage—associated with a home office. But the far-reaching tax bill waiting reconciliation between the House and Senate leaves me wary of counting on any particular tax provision, especially as the resident of a city without voting representation. Because we’re outside the umbrella of traditional full-time employment and under the mandate of D.C. Health Link, my household is looking at 2018 insurance rates of $750 a month for two adults with no dependents. A year from now, we may decide we cannot afford to live here. But I don’t want to be haunted by what I could have done, had I claimed the space I needed.

The application has 10 sections. Under “Employer,” I put my largest income source, a school that isn’t even in D.C. I add a forward slash, and write “self.”

My Self is the true earner: hustler, poet, boss who gets up at 3 a.m. to get work done. The Self could charge more for manuscript consultations but is wary of contributing to the class barrier facing many aspiring writers. The Self insists on alternating between applying for grants and volunteering to judge them. The Self says yes to events that don’t pay because they foster our arts scene. The Self donates $30 she can’t afford to a literary organization she believes in. The Self always buys a book when she walks into a bookstore. The Self has $4.39 in her checking account. The Self looks okay on paper, but not great. The Self is the one who deserves a room of her own.

We hit “Submit” on the application for a bigger apartment, with a $150 nonrefundable fee. We wait.

They call. They ask if we want to apply for a one-bedroom instead.

Vermont Supreme Court Protects the Rights of Same-Sex Parents and Their Children

Vermont Supreme Court Protects the Rights of Same-Sex Parents and Their Children

by Anthony Michael Kreis @ Slate Articles

On Friday, the Vermont State Supreme Court handed down a significant decision in a child custody dispute between an estranged lesbian couple. The ruling in Sinnott v. Peck is one of many recent landmark state court decisions that protect same-sex parents’ rights and preserve the bonds between parents and their children.

Between 2003 and 2010, Sarah Sinnott and Jennifer Peck were in a healthy, loving relationship. The couple shared a home, cared for one another’s elderly parents, enjoyed vacations and meals with each other, and raised two children. Before their relationship began, Jennifer adopted a 1-year-old girl, G.P., from Guatemala. As soon as she could talk, G.P. called Sarah her mother. Jennifer encouraged G.P. to call Sarah as her mother and referred to Sarah as “mom,” as well.

A year later, Sarah and Jennifer decided to adopt another child together. The couple wanted to adopt a child from Guatemala so that both children shared a common cultural background. The adoption process was not smooth. Guatemala’s adoption system was riddled with mass corruption—indeed, the United Nations documented over 3,000 irregular adoptions— prompting the Guatemalan government to pursue legislative reforms. Those anti-corruption measures, however, threatened to shut off all international adoptions.

Further complicating matters, Sarah and Jennifer soon realized the adoption agency could only place an older child with them; the couple wanted to adopt a baby. With the window for adopting a Guatemalan baby closing fast, Sarah and Jennifer decided to return to the adoption agency that Jennifer used for G.P.’s adoption. The agency did not place children with same-sex couples, so Jennifer proceeded with the adoption process alone. Consequently, Sarah stayed home in Vermont to care for G.P. while Jennifer traveled twice to Guatemala to visit the child, M.P., whom the agency was attempting to place with Jennifer. All three members of the family went to Guatemala to visit with M.P. before M.P. was brought to Vermont. At the time of adoption, M.P. was 6 months old.

Once M.P. was in Vermont, Sarah and Jennifer cared for her together. Sarah took maternity leave to serve as the primary caretaker of M.P. once she was adopted. As she did with G.P., Jennifer regularly referred to Sarah as M.P.’s mother to their family and friends. Sarah and Jennifer jointly made medical decisions on M.P.’s behalf. Sarah saw to both children’s everyday needs because her work schedule permitted more flexibility than Jennifer’s.

Sarah and Jennifer planned to get a civil union and formalize a joint adoption process. Life got in the way, and it never came to be. One of Jennifer’s parents passed away. Sarah became ill with Lyme disease. When their relationship ended in 2010, they created a shared custody agreement and evenly divided time with the children between them. They shared financial responsibilities for the children. The children’s school was notified that Jennifer and Sarah shared custody and the two women went to family counseling to ensure a healthy, shared schedule.

That worked for three years until, according to Sarah, Jennifer started to throw a wrench into the arrangement. Sarah alleges Jennifer told the school to end all contact with Sarah about the children and refused to let Sarah see the children. Despite the interruptions in visitation, Sarah maintained what regular contact she could with the kids through emails, text messages, and phone calls. However, Sarah said that M.P. warned her Jennifer planned to call the police if the email communication continued.

In August 2015, Sarah filed a petition for parental rights as a de-facto parent. The judge denied her request—despite the fact that Sarah had cared for the children since they were infants, provided for their everyday needs, and formed strong emotional bonds with the girls. Because neither the Vermont Legislature nor Vermont courts ever recognized the rights of a person to secure parental rights over a child to whom that person had no biological relationship or raised in a marital household, the judge ruled Sarah had no standing to assert parental rights over the children under Vermont law. With the assistance of GLBTQ Legal Advocates & Defenders, Sarah and her attorney appealed to the state’s highest court.

The Vermont Supreme Court overturned the lower court’s ruling, allowing Sarah to petition for rights over the two children. Following the lead of highest state courts in New York and Massachusetts, the court explained that “limiting parental status to individuals who are biologically linked to the child, have legally adopted, or are married or joined in civil union with the child’s legal parent at birth” could tear families apart even when two people agree ex-ante to raise a child together, the child forms a parental bond with both parents, and when the child and the outside world always believed both individuals to be the child’s parents. Instead of solely focusing on the adults’ legal relationship or their biological connection to the child, courts can examine the adults’ intentions to raise a child together and the relationship between the adults and the child. 

To ignore the realities of how modern families form in favor of narrow interpretation of what makes a family would only serve to harm children. Vermont’s justices acknowledged that rigid legal rules, which separate fit parental figures from their children, could have traumatic consequences for children. The court noted: “It is hard to imagine how … an approach that allows for a complete and involuntary severing of a lifelong parent-child relationship could possibly promote children’s welfare. In many cases, the consequences of such a rule would be nothing short of tragic.”

This ruling is an important move forward for families with children whose parents are unmarried or with whom they have no biological connection. It affirms and extends the dignity jurisprudence of Obergefell v. Hodges, which recognized the loving families that same-sex couples create, often with children. The Vermont Supreme Court’s decision acknowledges the reality that modern families are not cookie cutter versions of one another. The court understood that families have evolved, and judges must fill in the gaps when the law hasn’t yet caught up to the best interests of children.

Huntington Bank $300 Business Checking Bonus [IN, KY, MI, OH, PA, WV, IL, WI]

by Danny Nguyen @ Bank Deal Guy

If you’re interested in banking at Huntington, you can earn a Huntington Bank $300 Business Checking Bonus when you open their Fast Track Business Checking Account currently available in Ohio, Michigan, Indiana, Pennsylvania, Kentucky, West Virginia, Illinois, and Wisconsin. Get the right business checking account, whether you’re starting out or starting to expand. Huntington has checking options to meet your needs,... Read More →

The post Huntington Bank $300 Business Checking Bonus [IN, KY, MI, OH, PA, WV, IL, WI] appeared first on Bank Deal Guy.

New Bank Account Promotions 2017

by Bank Bonus @ Checking Account Promos

Open An Online Checking Account with a Bank Promotional Bonus, Best Checking Promo Online, Open a New Checking Account with a $100 Checking Promotion to Open a Checking Account Online. Best Checking Account Promotions in 2015 Online Banking Promotions $100 … Continue reading

The Best Online Savings Accounts in February 2018

by LaTisha Styles @ MagnifyMoney

Updated February 9, 2018 After years of low interest rates, there is a pricing war happening for online savings accounts. Long gone are the days of 0.01% APY. If you are willing to open an online savings account (which is FDIC insured), you can now easily get a 1.50% APY or higher. Interest rates are … Continue reading The Best Online Savings Accounts in February 2018

The post The Best Online Savings Accounts in February 2018 appeared first on MagnifyMoney.

HSBC Bank Deals, Bonuses, & Promotions: $100, $200, $350, $600, $750 Checking Offers

by Hilary Tran @ Bank Deal Guy

Check out our listing of HSBC Bank Deals of $100, $200, $350, $600, & $700 promotions. At HSBC they seek to build trust-based and lasting relationships with their many stakeholders to generate value in society and deliver long-term shareholder returns. HSBC Bank is available nationwide but has physical branches in the following states: CA, CT, DC,... Read More →

The post HSBC Bank Deals, Bonuses, & Promotions: $100, $200, $350, $600, $750 Checking Offers appeared first on Bank Deal Guy.

Chase Total Checking Account Bonus

by Liz Pham @ Bank Deal Guy

Right now, Chase Bank is offering a sign-up bonus when you open their Chase Total Checking® Account. This account is very easy to use and you’ll have access to many features such as online banking, bill pay, mobile banking services like Chase DepositFriendlySM ATMs nationwide, and more! With over 16,000 ATMs and 5,100 branches, convenience is definitely... Read More →

The post Chase Total Checking Account Bonus appeared first on Bank Deal Guy.

Stitch Fix on a Budget: $25 Referral, $25 Amex Offer, and $5 Swagbucks

by travelinpoints @ TravelinPoints

Stitch Fix is a shopping service that sends you a delivery box containing a total of five clothing and accessories items handpicked for you by your stylist. You then keep what you want and return what you do not want by using a free prepaid shipping label. An important thing…

Our Aging Population Needs Workplace Adjustments. We Have to Find a Way to Provide Them.

Our Aging Population Needs Workplace Adjustments. We Have to Find a Way to Provide Them.

by Ally Day @ Slate Articles

Dolly, a 66-year-old resident of southern Maine, began working as a young teenager, eventually securing a job with her local public school system. She worked for 29 years as the administrative assistant for the district’s adult education program. After a surgery required to combat endometrial cancer, Dolly says she was “slammed into menopause,” and as a result, her memory and focus started faltering. “I would liked to have worked until I was 70, but I could see writing on the wall that my director was not happy; I was having a terrible time keeping up,” says Dolly. She felt “pushed out the door,” and she approached her boss about beginning to plan for retirement in a few years. A few weeks later, she was given a retirement date for the end of that school year. “I did feel definitely pressured to retire right then,” she says. Dolly, who asked that we use only her first name for fear of potential negative professional repercussions, and her husband were not sure they could manage on their pensions and Social Security and are both looking to find part-time jobs to stay afloat.

In the early 2000s, the forecasted disasterlike magnitude of the needs of the U.S.’s huge aging population earned them the nickname the “silver tsunami”—baby boomers (those born between 1945 and 1963) who are approaching retirement and in increasing need of elder care services; some estimate that 1 in 5 Americans will be over 65 by the year 2030.

Of course, not all baby boomers will be retiring, and certainly not retiring at the rates of their parents. That’s because our economy is very different today, and many boomers either never had adequate retirement funds or had them wiped away in the Great Recession. According to one survey, two-thirds of baby boomers will continue to work after age 65.

Sue, a 60-year-old grandmother in Columbus, Ohio, who also wishes to use her first name in case of negative repercussions to her professional life, has been working for 35 years in various administrative capacities for a large church in the city. When she was raising her children, she did not work full time. “I was primarily a stay-at-home mom,” Sue says. Usually she worked for only a few hours on the weekend. But with a late-in-life divorce, her retirement became a pressing concern. After speaking with a financial adviser, Sue is hopeful to retire at 67 and spend more time with her family. But she is also keeping an open mind—she knows she may find herself working into her 70s if the government continues delaying the age she can access Social Security.

Sue is not alone. A 2016 retirement confidence survey cites several reasons for this: a poor economy, inadequate finances, and needing to pay for skyrocketing health care costs. According to this survey, 46 percent of retirees left the workforce before they planned to, with 55 percent of that number leaving because of a disability or health problem.

In an article in the University of Chicago Law Review, Michael Stein, visiting professor at Harvard Law School, and his co-authors argue that retaining older workers’ capabilities is in everyone’s interest, precisely because the financial costs of Social Security and Medicare are unsustainable, and pensions are dwindling as baby boomers are living longer. Thus, creating workplaces that effectively accommodate aging bodies is to the economic benefit of the country—and to the social benefit of those who want to continue to work. And as Stein and his colleagues suggest, this kind of flexibility can be considered a workplace enhancement tool—making workplaces more adaptable and allowing them to both retain employees and ensure productivity at the same time—that is best for the economy and for the worker.

The Americans With Disabilities Act, passed in 1990 and amended in 2008 to cover a wide array of age-related conditions, was designed to provide strategies and tools for people to continue working despite an impairment. It was developed as a result of decades of political activism, known as the disability rights movement, and, among other components, prohibits discrimination against disabled people in the workplace. No one can be fired or denied a promotion on the basis of a disability if a reasonable accommodation can be made to allow a person with a disability to perform the job. The problem with the ADA is that while it was intended to cover a large scope of human bodies, it has been interpreted in a very limited way by the courts.

According to Stein and his co-authors, before 2010, more than 97 percent of claimants in federal trial courts lost. The 2008 amendments were designed to make it easier to prove you qualify as disabled, but challenges remain. Stein and his colleagues write that one of the main barriers to claimant success is this balancing act in trying to prove that they are disabled enough but not too disabled, something that many older working Americans may have trouble balancing with gradually developing, age-related impairments such as muscular-skeletal pain; vision impairments; or, like Dolly, memory and focus problems. Statistically, even if Dolly had used the ADA to ask for accommodations, she’d have low odds of winning her case. And that’s if she can even find a lawyer who wants to get behind her in the first place.

AARP has a pledge program that works with employers to encourage the hiring and retention of older employees. According to Heather Tinsley-Fix, senior adviser for AARP, employers become aware of this program through active recruiting at various HR conferences and often voluntarily opt-in.

While AARP’s program is a start, not having official standards for hiring and retaining older workers leaves many businesses guessing at best practices; the work of Stein and his colleagues around universal design in the workplace is a helpful and strategic place to start.

Beth Loy, a principal consultant with the Job Accommodation Network, has several practical solutions for accommodations in the workplace, including moving work stations closer to restrooms and providing access to refrigerators, allowing personal attendants at work, and providing flexible schedules and self-paced workloads. According to Loy, the trade-offs for providing accommodations are invaluable, including providing long-term institutional knowledge, well-established workplace networks, and diversity of perspectives.

There are indeed ways in which older workers contribute invaluably to the workplace—their institutional memory and long-term commitment being just two examples. But in the absence of any effective way to require companies to accommodate their employees, these aging workers are at the mercy of the market.

Thanks to Nicole Buonocore Porter, professor of law at the University of Toledo, for her help with this post.

How I got my 50,000 AA miles from the Citigold promotion - Points with a Crew

How I got my 50,000 AA miles from the Citigold promotion - Points with a Crew


Points with a Crew

Many people who recently signed up for a Citigold checking account are being denied their promotional miles. I had to follow up a few times but I did eventually get my miles. How about you?

50,000 AA miles for opening a new Citigold checking account - Takeoff With Miles

50,000 AA miles for opening a new Citigold checking account - Takeoff With Miles


Takeoff With Miles

You can get 50,000 AA Miles For Opening A New Citigold Checking Account. This is a much better offer than the previous ones. Check out for eligibility and requirements

The 8 Best Bank Promotions (Checking and Savings) in 2018

The 8 Best Bank Promotions (Checking and Savings) in 2018


The Dough Roller

Looking for the best checking accounts or savings accounts? These bank promotions can get you cash back when you open a new account and a top APR.

Bank of America $100, $200 and up to $2,000 Business Checking Bonus Promotion

Bank of America $100, $200 and up to $2,000 Business Checking Bonus Promotion


Cash Bonus Money

Bank of America business $100 checking bonus account promotion has been ongoing for both the Business Advantage and Business Fundamentals accounts. You can also

Align Probiotic Class Action Settlement (up to $49.26 – no proof needed)

by Tracy Banks @ Banklady.com

Here is a class action settlement that is available for anyone who bought any type of “clinically proven” Align Probiotic products between 03/01/09 and 06/06/16. Note, there is no proof of purchase needed to claim what is owed to you, so you don’t need to go searching for old receipts. The deadline for this offer […]

Southwest Airlines PSA for International Flights

Southwest Airlines PSA for International Flights

by Mark Ostermann @ Miles to Memories

There is something you need to remember when checking in for international flights on Southwest Airlines.

Last Chance To Win The Grand Prize! Plus An Exclusive DansDeals Raffle! Deadline Is Tonight!

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Please note: This is a paid advertisement which is stickied as the top post, please scroll down for new posts. Click HERE to participate in the Golden Treasures 2018 Chinese auction. DEADLINE IS TONIGHT 2/14 at 11:59pm EST! First Prize is an All Expense Paid trip to Israel including a 5 night stay at the Waldorf and $1,000 cash. PLUS […]

How to Use Capital One Miles for Flights And Travel

by MileCards.com @ MileCards.com

If you hold the Capital One® Venture® Rewards Credit Card or the Capital One® VentureOne® Rewards Credit Card, you know that you’re earning miles towards travel rewards every time you use the card. Each mile equates to cash you can use to either book a trip, or pay off a travel purchase you already made. […]

10,000 Southwest Rapid Rewards for switching energy providers

10,000 Southwest Rapid Rewards for switching energy providers

by Dan Miller @ Points with a Crew

By switching energy providers to NRG, you can get a bonus of 10,000 Southwest Rapid Rewards. But watch out for...

Due Date

Due Date

by Mallory Ortberg @ Slate Articles

Please send your questions for publication to prudence@slate.com.
(Questions may be edited.)

Got a burning question for Prudie? She’ll be online here on Slate to chat with readers Wednesday at noon. Submit your questions and comments here before or during the live discussion.

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I own my house but have roommates to help pay the bills. I haven’t had any problems with this arrangement and most of my roommates are old friends. Right now “Billy” has been letting his little sister, “Katy,” stay in our living room after she lost her job and apartment. Katy’s a good kid, and I don’t mind her sleeping on the sofa for a month or so until she gets back on her feet. Recently I learned that Katy is pregnant and plans on keeping the child. Since finding out, I haven’t really said anything to Katy and Billy because I don’t know how to tell them that I don’t want to have a newborn in the house. This is a line I am not willing to cross.

Katy is not on the lease and Billy only rents month to month. I know I can legally give them notice, but I don’t want to do that if I don’t have to. How do I toe the line of being helpful while also saying, Please get out of my home?
—No Kids

Right now, if you keep on with your strategy of not saying anything, you’re eventually going to put yourself in a situation where you have no other option besides serving Katy, and possibly Billy, with an eviction notice. The more advance warning and clarity you can offer Katy, the better off she’ll be in the long run. In general, it’s better for everyone involved to be clear about deadlines before inviting them to sleep on your couch “until they get back on their feet,” mostly because “until someone gets back on their feet” can take anywhere from a few weeks to, you know, forever. You don’t have to bring her pregnancy into it, because you haven’t formalized your living arrangement and it sounds like it was already understood that her staying with you was temporary from the start. Figure out how much time you’re willing to let Katy continue to spend on your couch (30 days, 45, 60, whatever) and let her know that’s her move-out date, and let her make her own arrangements. But you do have to say something now, because the longer you wait, the more Katy and Billy are likely to make unfounded assumptions about the length of her stay.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
How do you nicely turn someone down? I recently met a co-worker’s friend at a party who is apparently interested in me. She gave her number to my co-worker to pass on to me. People rarely hit on me, so I’m not used to turning down advances, but I’m not interested. Normally I think I could sort this out, but I have to worry about my co-worker asking constantly if I’ve contacted her yet and telling me how we’d be good together because we like the same stuff. I don’t want to disrupt our professional relationship.
—Just Not Interested

You definitely don’t have to contact your co-worker’s friend. You never asked for her number and didn’t offer her yours. All you have to say to your co-worker is, “Thanks for the offer, but I’m not interested in Iphigenia, so I’m not going to call her.” Lots of people like the same things, but that doesn’t mean there’s a mutual romantic connection. Hopefully your co-worker is just a little overzealous, if well-meaning. (Although it’s hard to imagine why they’d want their friend to go out with someone who had to be talked into the idea rather than someone who was genuinely excited, without prompting, to ask her out.) If they continue to press, just say, “I didn’t feel a romantic connection, and I’d appreciate it if you dropped the subject.” You’re not the one who’s disrupting your professional relationship, so you should feel no qualms about being polite but firm.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I have been dating “Sam” for three years. We both were theater kids and the odd one out in our rather conservative families. Now Sam has come out as trans and I feel overwhelmed. I want to be supportive. I want to be a good girlfriend. But I feel like I am drowning. Sam has transitioned and our love life is nonexistent.

I can’t take comfort in our social circle because they are behind Sam all the way. I tried once and got rejected brutally. There is no way I can confide in my family. If I break up now, I am afraid I am going to lose Sam and every one of my friends, because they will peg me as a bigot. On every level we click, but not sexually anymore. What do I do?
—Not a Lesbian

Ending a romantic relationship over incompatible sexual orientation does not make you a bad person, nor transphobic, nor unsupportive. You can love Sam, affirm their transition, and break up with them. Being there for Sam does not mean staying in a romantic relationship indefinitely. I’m so sorry that your friends have made you feel as if you have done something wrong by being honest about your own sexuality. If you’re in need of confidential support, try a local PFLAG meeting or contacting the Straight Spouses Network. (You don’t have to be married or planning on staying together in order to talk to someone or find an online support group.) It is possible for you to end your romantic relationship with Sam kindly and respectfully, while leaving the door open for a continued friendship. Whether Sam takes you up on that right away, or the two of you decide you need to take a little space after your breakup, please know that you are not doing anything wrong. Neither of you are!

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I am in my mid-40s and have a good job. I’m dating “Emily,” a single mother with one grown son and two teenagers. My wife died unexpectedly soon after we got married and I found myself responsible for her 13-year-old daughter, “Taylor.” Her biological father was dead and no one else was able to take her in. I adopted Taylor and raised her the best I could until she went off to college. She is a smart, funny, wonderful girl. I am very proud of her and want the best for her, but I don’t have the instinctive love of a parent. I took care of Taylor because it was my duty and there was no else to step up. Taylor calls me dad and I see her for holidays. I don’t ever want to be in the position of having to parent again. Taylor was a good kid and easy to raise, but I still resented being a father more often than not. I have never breathed a word of this to anyone.

I see Emily right now on the weekends and sometimes after work. We get along on every level, and I might even love her, but I do not want to be a stepdad again. Marriage is off the table for me. How do I tell Emily this? I know her kids are going to grow up and leave in the next few years, but her kids are not Taylor and consistently get into minor trouble or need Emily to bail them out. I couldn’t deal with them well.
—Not a Dad Again

It sounds like you know your own desires and limitations pretty well. It’s incumbent upon you, therefore, to communicate them clearly and effectively to your girlfriend so that she can make her own decisions. If you know you don’t want to get married, and that you’re not prepared to act as a stepparent in any way, then you should tell her so. Maybe Emily is perfectly happy with your current arrangement and will agree to keep seeing you on the weekends while keeping her family life separate. Maybe she’s looking for something more serious, and you two will break up. Either outcome is vastly preferable to keeping this to yourself and eventually getting roped into getting more involved in the lives of children you have no interest in getting to know better.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I had an affair with a lovely woman for more than four years. This was the greatest experience of my life. She is incredibly smart, affable, beautiful, and mature. We started off as friends—best friends. Our personalities matched almost perfectly; we had similar tastes and connected at a level that neither of us had experienced with someone else. Yet last year, I messed up and gradually drove her away from me. I take full responsibility for that. Because of the age difference between us, I wanted her to feel free to go and explore. I did not want to constrain her options as she was blossoming. The geographical distance did not help either.

Here’s my problem: I want my best friend back. As avid introverts, it is already incredibly difficult to find a friend, let alone a best friend. I am rueing the chain of events that led to this every single day without exception. It’s been over a year. I respect her decision to not go back to what it was between us, but can’t we be best friends again? She has declined to talk to me multiple times in the past year, and I don’t have the courage to ask again. I cannot seem to find closure on this. I want to laugh over Trump’s impulsiveness, discuss populism, and explore ’80s music again.
—Return to Me

No, you cannot be best friends with someone who doesn’t want to talk to you. Not even if you really, really miss them, not even if you’re both introverts, not even if you both dislike Trump, not even if you’re very sorry you hurt them, not even if you both like music from the 1980s. The most important criteria for whether two people are best friends is this: Do both parties want to be best friends? If the answer isn’t unanimous, then the answer is no. It’s not a question of “courage” when it comes to repeatedly contacting this woman to try to get her to change her mind. It’s a question of respect. She’s made it extremely clear that she does not want to be friends again, and if you really want to take “full responsibility” for having driven her away, then you need to accept that she’s gone away and deal with your feelings of regret and loss on your own, and let them inspire you to treat other friends differently in the future.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My husband and I are friends with a couple who never reciprocate lunch and dinner invites. We see them every week when they come over for “family lunch.” We cook and they bring a purchased dessert, which is all fine, but they never help with the cleaning up. Sometimes the woman will come talk to me while I’m washing dishes, but it never occurs to her to get a tea towel and help dry. These people are like family; they’re not just friends we see occasionally.

They were just at our house for Christmas, and we provided a full holiday meal. We spent a lot of time making the table beautiful, cooking and serving multiple dishes, providing alcohol, and clearing the table. They brought a store-bought meringue and berries for dessert, then kept enjoying the food and conversation while we spent half an hour cleaning pots and pans. Never once did they get up and offer to help. They just sat there like it was a restaurant. Even after we had finished clearing up, they continued on to the living space, lingering for another 45 minutes, oblivious to our exhaustion and need to get some rest. This was Christmas Day, after all.

I was so angry after they left. My husband said, “Never again!” I wouldn’t mind if they reciprocated with a meal at their house, but they never do. She says he doesn’t like to have people around because their house is small. But to me that is a cop-out. And it’s not like we can say, “Hey, isn’t it your turn to have us for dinner?” Do I just suck it up and accept them for who they are? Or am I justified in being angry at their selfishness and laziness, and I should raise it with them? Unfortunately I know she would be offended.
—Never Heard of a Tea Towel

I’d be frustrated too if I had friends who never once thought to offer to help clean up after a meal I’d prepared, but I’m astonished that not once have either you or your husband said, Hey, can you give me a hand with these dishes? to friends you see every week and consider a part of your family. You don’t have to stand upon ceremony with friends you’ve been close with for years. If they don’t offer to help tidy up the kitchen after you’ve fed them, ask for their help: “Here, dry these plates while I soak the pans.” “Would you help bring some of the glasses into the kitchen?” “We’re not feeling up to hosting next weekend. Would you like to host, or would you rather meet at a restaurant?” “Guys, thank you so much for coming over. We’re absolutely wiped out, so we’re going to turn in. Can I help you grab your coats?” Nothing prevented you from saying those things, and had you said them you might have spared yourself years of pent-up resentment. But there’s also nothing to stop you from saying them now, so do yourself a favor and get started.

Discuss this column with Dear Prudence on her Facebook page!

More Dear Prudence

Very Suggestive Texts: Prudie counsels a letter writer who is trying to protect her marriage after acting on a crush at a company holiday party.

In Love With a Truther: Prudie advises a letter writer who’s dating “a really great guy” who happens to think 9/11 was an inside job.

Not an Act: Prudie advises a letter writer who constantly gets questioned about her disability.

Indelibly Om: Prudie counsels a letter writer who regrets getting a tattoo she now regards as culturally insensitive.

Different Strokes: I don’t like the guest my friend has chosen to bring to my party. (She’s poor.)

Toy Story: Prudie advises a letter writer who is considering legal action after her mother gave away a prized doll collection.

Relationship Unmoored: Prudie counsels a letter writer who is bothered by her boyfriend’s refusal to condemn (former) Senate candidate Roy Moore.

Friendly Ghost: Why is my pal blowing me off?

2 Boxes Of Designer Checks for $8.95 Shipped From 4Checks

by Dan @ Banking – DansDeals.com

4Checks Offer Linky Step 1: Find a check style that you like and enter the following offer code on the product page and click “update pricing”: DB4381   Choose from over 800 styles of checks and get 2 boxes for just $8.95 shipped or 4 boxes are $19.80 shipped with that code. This code is […]

The Best Board Games From 2017

The Best Board Games From 2017

by Keith Law @ Slate Articles

This article originally appeared on the Strategist.

The ongoing boom in tabletop board-gaming shows no sign of slowing any time soon; Boardgamegeek lists nearly 600 titles with a publication year of 2017 and enough user ratings to put them on the global rankings, and more than 2,000 other titles that were released somewhere, somehow during the year.

I of course haven’t tried them all—I’ve played or demoed somewhere north of 50 games this year but south of 100, and if I had played more than that I’m not sure I’d admit it anywhere my employers could see it. It is, however, nearly the end of the year, and before the apocalypse descends upon us all, here are my choices for 2017’s best games, organized into various categories. It’s worth noting that one game I wanted to love was Legend of the Five Rings. It has some of the best art of the year, and was co-designed by one of the folks behind the excellent Game of Thrones card game’s current edition, but it’s just … so … slow. The game has already found a cult following in the three months since its release, so perhaps it’s just not my cup of tea, but I found it just too languid.

With that out of the way, on to the top picks.

Best Overall Game

Azul
Azul is just the second title from Plan B Games, the new company founded by former Z-Man president Sophie Gravel, and between its simple mechanics, high-quality components, and perfect amount of screw-your-opponent, it’s a huge winner. Designed by Michael Kiesling, who made one of my all-time favorite Eurogames, Vikings, Azul asks players to fill out a five-by-five grid on their individual boards by taking tiles in five colors from the central supply. There’s a big game-theory aspect to selecting which tiles to take and which to leave for later (or to try to foist on one of your opponents), on top of the challenge of figuring out how best to deploy the tiles you take on your board. It plays quickly and works as well with two players as it does with four.

Azul
$80, Amazon

Best Heavy Game

Wasteland Express Delivery Service
Heavy in the literal sense, Wasteland Express’s box is enormous, weighing over seven pounds, with hundreds of cardboard and plastic pieces. The gameplay itself isn’t quite as heavy as that might imply, though, and you can finish a game in under two hours. More mid-weight than high complexity, Wasteland Express has players moving around a postapocalyptic map to bring water, food, or weapons from one city to another in exchange for cash or to fulfill contracts. You get to trick out your truck with over a dozen different “mods,” things that give you more firepower when you fight neutral raiders, or that let you pass through irradiated areas unharmed, or that let you carry more goods on a single haul. It’s a little Mad Max, a little Fallout, and a little Galaxy Trucker all in one.

Wasteland Express Delivery Service
$56, Amazon

Best Party Game

Werewords
Werewords is a spinoff of the popular One Night Ultimate Werewolffranchise, which has become a brand unto itself. This time it takes the same core deduction and bluffing mechanic and adds a bit of Twenty Questions. Players are assigned roles that they keep secret, other than the Mayor, who runs the show and learns the game’s magic word but also has a second, secret role of his or her own. Players must attempt to guess the magic word (it’s not please) via yes-or-no questions before the four-minute timer runs out. However, one player is the Werewolf, working at cross purposes to everyone else. The game also comes with extra roles to vary play, and it’s tailor-made for expansion packs. The game requires at least four players but, like many social deduction games, it’s better with more people around the table (and drinking).

Werewords
$17, Amazon

Best Game for Two Players

Santorini
Santorini was first developed by a math professor in the early 2000s, but only saw a limited release as a strictly abstract game this year, when Roxley Games put out this Greek-mythology-themed version that also builds in numerous expansions and variants to make it almost like multiple games in one box. Players work with two builders on a five-by-five board, using one builder per turn to start or add a level to an adjacent building. A player can win by constructing a three-story building and then getting one of his/her builders to stand on top of it—but only if the opposing player doesn’t slap a dome on top of the building first, which precludes anyone from moving to that space. It’s quite replayable on its own, but the game also includes “god” and “hero” powers that give players one additional power beyond the simple move-and-build mechanic, with 40 different cards that can be played in many combinations.

Santorini
$27, Amazon

Best Reissue

Stop Thief!
I admit to serious bias on this one, as the original Stop Thief! was one of my favorite board games when I was a kid, not least because of the little electronic “phone” that came with the game and gave you clues that told you when the culprit was running, or when he broke a window or triggered an alarm. The phone is no more, alas, but of course Stop Thief! now works with an app, and the game itself is the same but with updated graphics. Players compete to track down a specific thief by unearthing clues and following the sounds the app gives to represent his movements. Other great games to get reissues in 2017: Torres, London, and Through the Desert.

Stop Thief!
$30, Amazon

Best New Board Game App

Through the Ages
This isn’t the best board game to come out as an app this year (that would be 7 Wonders), but it is the best port of any board game to tablets or phones in 2017, and the biggest reason is the tutorial. Through the Ages is a very heavy Eurogame that takes three to four hours to play, taking the 4X concept from video games and trying to bring it to the table top without losing the complexity. Learning it can be daunting. I came into this app without ever having played the physical game, so I started off cold and found the tutorial incredibly useful and quite entertaining. (I won’t spoil it, but it has the best joke I’ve ever seen in a game tutorial.) The developers also did a fantastic job of using the illusion of 3-D perspective on the 2-D screen to replicate the giant tableau a player would have in the physical game. It took me an embarrassing number of plays to finally beat the medium AI, but at least each run-through only took 15 to 20 minutes instead of 180.

Through the Ages
$10, iTunes

Best Expansion

Cities of Splendor
Marc Andre had a good year, releasing Majesty—his very good and long-awaited follow-up to his 2014 Spiel des Jahres–nominated game Splendor—this month, as well as the four-in-one expansion Cities of Splendor back in August. Splendor was a fairly closed game with tight, streamlined mechanics, but Andre came up with four mini-expansions that all come in one box, each of which brings one specific twist that alters the base game in a significant way. The Cities expansion replaces the noble tiles with city tiles that you earn by meeting a specific point total and accumulating the right combination of gem cards. The Trading Posts give you new powers. The Orient expansion expands the table from 12 cards for purchase to 18. And the Strongholds expansion gives Splendor a more directly competitive aspect by letting players reserve development cards with their stronghold tokens. Each gives the base game a needed boost, changing the pace and/or making it more interactive with other players.

Cities of Splendor (Expansion to Splendor)
$36, Amazon

This article is published through a partnership with New York magazine’s the Strategist and Select All. The partnership is designed to surface the most useful, expert recommendations for things to buy across the vast e-commerce landscape. We update links when possible, but note that deals can expire and all prices are subject to change. Every editorial product is independently selected by New York magazine. If you buy something through our links, Slate and New York magazine may earn an affiliate commission.

Citi ThankYou Points: Rewards Review

by feedback@creditdonkey.com (Dylan Y) @ CreditDonkey Reviews

Learn what is ThankYou Points and how much a point is worth. Read this review to find the best ways to earn points fast and how to redeem for best value (including the top Citi transfer partners).

Citi ThankYou Points

If you're considering signing up for a ThankYou Rewards card, you're probably wondering how much its rewards will be worth. Between Citi's roster of rewards cards and redemption options, finding the answer can be a little overwhelming.

So, to simplify your search, we're breaking down the value of Citi ThankYou Points and the cards that earn them. Read on for a full review of the Citi ThankYou Rewards program.

How Much Are Citi ThankYou Points Worth?

In terms of redemption options, here's how much your points will be worth:

  • Book travel through Citi: 1.25 cents per point with the Premier and Prestige (or 1 cent per point with the Preferred)
  • Gift cards: 1 cent per point (or less)
  • Shopping: 1 cent per point (or less)
  • Shop through Amazon: .8 cents per point
  • Statement credit: .5 cents per point
  • Cash back: .5 cents per point
  • Transfer to an airline or hotel partner: 1:1 ratio or less

Note: The points and redemption values are based on November 2017 data. Redemption options and value can change at any time.

Beyond redeeming points, each ThankYou Rewards card earns points differently, so the value of your ThankYou points will depend, in part, on how you earn them.

Citi ThankYou Rewards Cards

Citi's ThankYou rewards cards vary in terms of annual fees, bonus spending categories, redemption options, and perks.

  • Citi ThankYou Preferred Rewards: The Citi ThankYou Preferred is a no-frills, straightforward card for people who want to earn rewards without the hassle of activating rotating bonus categories. It doesn't come with the valuable redemption options of the Premier or Prestige, but it also doesn't come with an annual fee.

  • Citi ThankYou Premier: The Citi ThankYou Premier might be better suited to you if you travel, dine out, or go to live events often. It's a mid-range rewards card with a nice array of travel perks and protections.

  • Citi ThankYou Prestige: The ThankYou Prestige is a high-end option geared towards people who like to travel on points. It comes with a sizeable annual fee and a long list of valuable travel benefits, perks, and protections.

Best Way to Earn Citi ThankYou Points

  • Earn a sign-up bonus. If you're looking to apply for a new card, your best bet to rack points up quickly is to meet your new card's spending minimum and qualify for its sign-up bonus.

    If you're considering signing up for a new credit card, it might be worth waiting until a big promotion comes along. Without those extra points, the Citi cards are significantly less competitive compared to other travel credit cards.

Tip: You can also earn extra points by taking advantage of your card's bonus spending categories or by linking a Citibank checking account and completing qualifying activities.

Best Way to Redeem Citi ThankYou Points

Most redemption options will give you a value of 1 cent per point, including redeeming points for online shopping, statement credit or cash back, and donations. A more valuable option: using your points for travel.

  • Redeem points to book travel
    When you use your points to book travel through Citi - including airline tickets, hotel accommodations, car rentals, cruises, and vacation packages - you'll get the standard 1 cent per point redemption value. But you'll get a better redemption rate with the Premier and Prestige: the Premier's points will redeem for 1.25 cents each, and the Prestige's points for 1.33 cents each.

    You can make your reservations through the ThankYou Service Center or thankyou.com, with no blackout dates, minimum stay requirements, or seat restrictions. As a bonus, you'll still earn points on award flights bookings.

  • Transfer your points.
    You won't always get the best deal on travel through the ThankYou Travel Center, but you can also use the Premier or Prestige to transfer your points to Citi's airline, hotel, and retail partners.

    With Citi, you can transfer your points to Hilton Honors at a 1:1.5 ratio, or to most airline partners at a 1:1 ratio. That might make Hilton sound like a better deal, but their high rates for award rooms means that transferring to an airline partner might actually give you better value.

Tip: You can combine your points with any other ThankYou rewards account - even ones that aren't in your name - but remember that shared points will expire 90 days after the transfer date.

Citi ThankYou Transfer Partners

If you carry the ThankYou Preferred, you'll be able to transfer your points to jetBlue TrueBlue at a 1,000:500 ratio. Otherwise, you can use your Premier or Prestige card to transfer your points to any of Citi's airline and hotel partners, although you won't get a 1:1 ratio with all of them.

Citi's travel transfer partners include:

  • Asia Miles
  • Etihad Guest
  • EVA Air
  • Air France/KLM Flying Blue
  • Garuda Indonesia Frequent Flyer
  • JetPrivilege
  • Malaysia Airlines Enrich
  • Qantas Frequent Flyer
  • Qatar Airways Privilege Club
  • Singapore Airlines KrisFlyer
  • Thai Airways Royal Orchid Plus
  • JetBlue TrueBlue
  • Turkish Airlines Miles & Smiles
  • Virgin Atlantic Flying Club.
  • Hilton Honors

Search around for a transfer partner that offers a valuable award flight for your trip, and you'll likely be able to get more value out of your points than you would by booking travel directly through Citi.

The Bottom Line

The value of your ThankYou points will depend largely on which card you use, how you use it, and how you redeem your points.

If you're looking for straightforward rewards with no hassle - and no annual fee - then the Citi ThankYou Preferred might be for you.

But, if you don't mind paying an annual fee in exchange for better rewards and perks, then the Citi ThankYou Premier or Citi ThankYou Prestige is probably a better fit. Either will come with a higher rewards rate, better perks, and more transfer partners.

Citi ThankYou Points: Rewards Review appeared first on CreditDonkey

Editorial Note: This content is not provided by Citi. Any opinions, analyses, reviews or recommendations expressed in this article are those of the author's alone, and have not been reviewed, approved or otherwise endorsed by Citi.

Disclaimer: The information for the Citi ThankYou® Preferred Card, Citi Prestige® Card, and Citi ThankYou® Premier Card has been collected independently by CreditDonkey. The card details on this page have not been reviewed or provided by the card issuer.

Open Up A Key Account And Get Up To $275 Cash!

by Dan @ Banking – DansDeals.com

Update: Just a reminder, you must open the account by 11/20 to get the cash! Originally posted on 10/21: Business Offer: Up to $275 Consumer Offer: Up to $225 You need to open the account by 11/20 and perform the required actions by 01/22/10. Im my opinion the best account to open for this promotion […]

Citi Simplicity Card Review: 0% for 18 Months (1.5 Years), No Late Fees, No Penalty Rates

by Jonathan Ping @ My Money Blog

One of the most common New Year’s resolutions is to pay down debt. Rewards-earning credit cards may not be optimal for those carrying balances and thus more impacted by 18% interest rates than a relatively puny 2% back on purchases. Our partner Citi offers the Citi Simplicity® Card, which is uniquely suited for those that want […]

Get 2 Boxes Of Designer Checks for Just $7.45 Shipped From 4Checks!

by Dan @ Banking – DansDeals.com

Update: Both the discount code and the additional $1.50 off trick are still going strong! —————————————————– 4Checks Offer Linky Step 1: Find a check style that you like and enter the following offer code on the product page and click “update pricing”: DB4381   Choose from over 800 styles of checks and get 2 boxes […]

PenFed Credit Union CD Rates, Checking, Savings, Money Market, and IRA Accounts

by Lindsay VanSomeren @ MagnifyMoney

PenFed Credit Union—also known as Pentagon Federal Credit Union—got its start in 1935. Since then, it has grown to become one of the largest credit unions in the country, with over 1.6 million members and $24 billion in assets. While it does offer in-person branches, anyone can also access their accounts online. Like most credit … Continue reading PenFed Credit Union CD Rates, Checking, Savings, Money Market, and IRA Accounts

The post PenFed Credit Union CD Rates, Checking, Savings, Money Market, and IRA Accounts appeared first on MagnifyMoney.

Chase Savings Coupon Code

by Anthony Nguyen @ Bank Deal Guy

The Chase SavingsSM Account is made simple. With this account, you can start saving with ease! You’ll have access to chase.com and our mobile banking tools. Plus, 24-hour customer support is just a phone call away. See table below for more info regarding the Chase SavingsSM Account Coupon. For more offerings from Chase, be sure to... Read More →

The post Chase Savings Coupon Code appeared first on Bank Deal Guy.

The Best VR Headset to Buy If You Don’t Want an HTC Vive

The Best VR Headset to Buy If You Don’t Want an HTC Vive

by Maxine Builder @ Slate Articles

This article originally appeared on the Strategist.

The one item you can find on the wish lists of 8-year-old boys, teenage boys, college students, and gamers alike this holiday season is a virtual-reality headset—and one of this year’s most popular and requested VR headsets is the HTC Vive. That’s for good reason. As Austin Evans, a tech reviewer with over 2.6 million followers on his eponymous YouTube channel, explains, “If you’re just straight-up going for ‘I want the best VR headset that money can buy,’ I would say the Vive is the way to go.” But the HTC Vive, and its closest competitor, the Oculus Rift, are both quite expensive ($599 and $399, respectively, and that doesn’t include the cost of the high-powered gaming PC required to run either system).

So which VR headset should you buy for your child (or much-loved adult) this holiday season if you don’t want to drop $599 on an HTC Vive? To help demystify the difference between HTC Vive and Samsung Gear VR and any of the number of VR-headset options out there, I spoke to Evans and Judner Aura, another YouTuber and tech reviewer with 1.5 million subscribers on his channel UrAvgConsumer, about their favorite VR headsets for 2017 and the best VR alternatives to the HTC Vive.

Best Cheaper Alternative to the HTC Vive or Oculus Rift, Overall

The affordable alternative to the Vive or Oculus—especially if you don’t already have a full gaming PC setup—is PlayStation’s VR headset. This device runs off of a PlayStation 4, which costs less than $300, so as Evans notes, “It’s possible to get an entire setup for $500-ish. And, of course, if you already have a PS4, it makes it just that much easier.”

The main drawback of the PSVR when compared to the Oculus or Vive is the quality. “The screens aren’t quite as clear; it’s not quite as high-performance,” says Evans, but what you lose in performance, you more than make up for in simplicity. That’s because all you have to do to make PSVR work is plug the headset into the gaming console. Plus, many of the PlayStation 4 games you may have already purchased, like Gran Turismo, support PSVR out of the box. That’s a huge advantage over the other tethered VR systems, because as Evans notes, “With pretty much all these other things, if you’re wanting to play a bunch of games, you’re generally going to have to rebuy them.”

So if you’re looking for a pretty-good VR headset for gaming that’s versatile, doesn’t require a ton of computer knowledge, and isn’t going to blow your budget, the PSVR is probably your best bet.

PlayStation VR
$309, Amazon

Best Mobile VR Headset, Overall

Mobile VR headsets, like the Samsung Gear VR or Google Daydream View, differ from the Vive or Oculus because they “have a much smaller focus, so the idea is that it’s more about enjoying content versus playing games,” adds Evans. Of the two, both tech reviewers agree that the Samsung Gear slightly outperforms the Google Daydream. “I do think the Gear VR is a bit more robust and a bit more comfortable,” Aura says. The main drawback is that this headset is only compatible with Samsung Galaxy phones, so if you don’t already own one of those smartphones, it’s really not an option for you.

Samsung Gear VR With Controller (2017)
$124, Amazon

Best Mobile VR Headset Less Than $100, Overall

Even though Samsung Gear VR is more full-featured than Google Daydream, the main advantage of the latter is that it supports many different brands of Android phones, including models from LG, Motorola, Huawei, and of course, Google Pixel. The Google headset also works with Samsung Galaxy phones, but as Aura notes, “If you have a Galaxy device and you’re picking, you’re probably going to want to go with the Gear VR.” But if you’re looking for an option under $100, Google Daydream View is definitely where it’s at.

Google Daydream View
$79, Amazon

Best Mobile VR Headset for iPhone Owners

Though your kid might be able to turn their face into a giant poop emoji with the iPhone X, they won’t really be able to use it in a mobile VR headset. “The issue is, just because you can get VR capability doesn’t mean it’s going to be very good. And generally speaking, the iPhones aren’t really that great at VR,” explains Evans. “There’s a lot of optimizations on the hardware level and the software level that—even though it works on iPhone, and you could try it—typically speaking, I don’t like to recommend it, because it’s kind of not a great experience.”

That doesn’t mean that you can’t try if you’re really dedicated. There are some VR-compatible apps in the App Store that can be used with a generic VR headset; Evans recommends the Zeiss VR One Plus for an aftermarket VR headset that’ll help make the most of a less-than-ideal VR situation, and it’s cheaper than either the Gear VR or the Daydream View.

Zeiss VR One Plus Virtual Reality Smartphone Headset
$50, Amazon

Best Mobile VR Headset for the Fickle

“I would avoid the cheap sets. It’s just not a great experience, and I just feel like it sort of taints people’s perspective on what VR should be,” says Evans, and for the most part, Aura agrees. The one exception is, if you want to test the VR waters. “I think if you’re not looking to make a serious investment, those could be some decent options, just to kind of try it out and understand what it is,” Aura recommends, adding, “Google kind of did this approach with the Google Cardboard, where it was a very inexpensive headset that allowed you to try out VR and kind of get an understanding of what it is and how it functions.” It’s an inexpensive way to dip a toe into the VR waters. Just be warned that if you’re prone to motion sickness from VR, using one of these cheaper headsets, which are less calibrated than the more expensive ones, might exacerbate that issue.

Google Cardboard
$15, Amazon

Best VR Headset If Your Kid Doesn’t Have a PC, a PS4, or a Smartphone

Unfortunately, there is none, because there’s no way for you to use VR in 2017 unless you have a PC, phone, or PlayStation 4 to power it. But Google is currently working on a stand-alone VR headset, as is Facebook—so maybe 2018 is going to be your year.

This article is published through a partnership with New York magazine’s the Strategist and Select All. The partnership is designed to surface the most useful, expert recommendations for things to buy across the vast e-commerce landscape. We update links when possible, but note that deals can expire and all prices are subject to change. Every editorial product is independently selected by New York magazine. If you buy something through our links, Slate and New York magazine may earn an affiliate commission.

The 23 Best Free Business Checking Accounts

The 23 Best Free Business Checking Accounts


Fundera Ledger

We’re making it easy to weigh all possible factors and find the best free business checking account for you. Never settle with your small business!

The Best Tech-y Gifts for Less Than $50

The Best Tech-y Gifts for Less Than $50

by Strategist Editors @ Slate Articles

This article originally appeared on the Strategist.

So net neutrality may be a thing of the past (or maybe not), but no matter what the internet situation looks like for the foreseeable future, even the least tech-savvy among us would appreciate gadgets and gizmos that make life easier (and are affordable to boot). You won’t find your drones or VR headsets here—these are the nuts and bolts of tech stuff: all manner of phone chargers (and cases and protectors) and other fun gizmos that cost under $50.

An iPhone X case that’s thin and matte and rose gold (though you can get plenty of other colors, like white or black or silver depending on what they like).

Spigen Thin Fit iPhone X Case With Premium Matte Finish Coating
$13, Amazon

For your iPhone X-less recipient, something a little splashier.

Kwmobile Hardcase Cover for Apple iPhone 7/8 with Liquid
$8, Amazon

Strategist editor Alexis Swerdloff’s very favorite white-noise machine isn’t the most high-tech thing in the world—just the most effective.

Marpac Dohm-DS All-Natural Sound Machine, White
$50, Amazon

Review after review on Amazon (verified purchases, mind you) will tell you how floored people are by the quality of these very affordable wireless headphones.

SENSO Bluetooth Wireless Sports Earphones
$30, Amazon

Ten-year-old girls know all about the beauty of the PopSocket, a retractable stick’em for the back of your phone that allows you to keep it secure while you’re taking selfies.

PopSocket
$16, Amazon

These ten-foot-long charging cables will (practically) free your giftee from the drama of being tethered to the outlet.

Anker PowerLine+ Lightning Cable (10ft) Charging Cable
$18, Amazon

Plug any old thing you want into these newfangled plugs, and you’ll be able to control the power from your phone. It’s magic.

Etekcity Wi-Fi Smart Plug Mini Outlet With Energy Monitoring (2 Pack)
$27, Amazon

Turn that by-the-numbers MacBook into a marble-ized electronic.

iDOO Matte Rubber Coated Soft Touch Plastic Hard Case
$13, Amazon

Stick this well-reviewed humidifier in a glass of water, plug in the USB, and you’re breathing in hydrating (and hydrated) air.

Cool Mist Travel Humidifier Stick
$20, Amazon

Our writer and reviewer Kurt Soller called this among the best beard trimmers he’s tried.

Braun BT3040 Men’s Ultimate Hair Clipper
$35, Amazon

We first talked about this Champagne-colored mousepad in our guide to mom gifts, but it’d make a handsome present for just about anyone.

Elago Aluminum Mouse Pad for Computers and Laptops
$30, Amazon

As of now, the Amazon Echo Dot (an easy toe dip into the world of smart technology) is still 40 percent off.

Amazon Echo Dot (2nd Generation)
$30, Amazon

Mood lights help mimic the sun’s rays when you’re living somewhere (like New York) that doesn’t get much sun in the winter—they’ve been shown to actually improve your mood, and even a portable one helps.

Verilux HappyLight Liberty Personal, Portable Light Therapy Energy Lamp
$30, Amazon

Writer Jinnie Lee told us about the best tablet accessory (or Switch accessory or phone accessory) we’ve ever seen—a twisty clip that lets you watch hands-free.

Tryone Gooseneck Mount Holder
$20, Amazon

Remember Tamagotchis—the electronic pets on keychains that needed to be fed and cared for and cherished? They’re back.

20th Anniversary Tamagotchi Device
$15, Amazon

This little $11 portable charger even comes with a flashlight.

Aibocn Power Bank 10,000mAh External Battery Charger With Backup Flashlight
$11, Amazon

If you’re sensing a dying-phone theme on this list, you’d be right. This one puts a lightning cable onto your keychain—simply plug the other end into a USB.

Nomad NomadKey Lightning Data Cable - Black
$25, Amazon

We’ve heard consistently good things about this shockingly affordable Bluetooth speaker.

Anker SoundCore Bluetooth Speaker
$24, Amazon

Even with a good case, your screen can get scratched up. A few cheap screen protectors would make thoughtful stocking stuffers.

Tech Armor Apple iPhone 7, iPhone 6, iPhone 8 Ballistic Glass Screen Protector [2-Pack]
$8, Amazon

Wireless charging is the way of the future (see some other ones that our Select All colleagues loved) and the Belkin version lets iPhone X users join in on the fun.

Belkin Qi Wireless Charging Pad, Compatible With iPhone 8/8 Plus and iPhone X
$40, Amazon

Give your recipients the gift of simultaneous phone- and watch-charging, although, note: you still need to buy cables!

ZVE Universal 2-in-1 Aluminum Desktop Charging Stand for iWatch, Smartphone, and Tablets
$22, Amazon


This article is published through a partnership with New York magazine’s the Strategist and Select All. The partnership is designed to surface the most useful, expert recommendations for things to buy across the vast e-commerce landscape. We update links when possible, but note that deals can expire and all prices are subject to change. Every editorial product is independently selected by New York magazine. If you buy something through our links, Slate and New York magazine may earn an affiliate commission.

HOT! Get $200 For Opening A National City Checking Account!

by Dan @ Banking – DansDeals.com

Offer Linky Account must be opened by 10/31 and funded with at least $250 by direct deposit (Paypal or an ACH push usually qualify as a direct deposit) within 60 days. Valid in: FL, IL, IN, KY, MI, MO, OH, PA, WI.

Free $150 or Bose Soundlink Speaker II with $600 Upside.com Travel Purchase

Free $150 or Bose Soundlink Speaker II with $600 Upside.com Travel Purchase

by TheRewardBoss @ The Reward Boss

Free $150 Gift Card, Bose Soundlink Bluetooth Speakers w/$600 Travel Purchase Upside.com has two new user bonus offers: get $150 gift card or get a free Bose SoundLink Color Bluetooth speaker II with $600 business travel purchase (flight and/or hotel, uber) and now also rental cars which I asked them about a few months ago. I…

The post Free $150 or Bose Soundlink Speaker II with $600 Upside.com Travel Purchase appeared first on The Reward Boss.

As an Authorized User, Can I Open My Own Account for the Same Card?

As an Authorized User, Can I Open My Own Account for the Same Card?

by Brendan Dorsey @ The Points Guy

“Reader Questions” are now answered twice a week — Tuesdays and Thursdays — by TPG Assistant Editor Brendan Dorsey. Brendan has been with TPG for a year and a half and hails from Northern California. After being an authorized user on someone’s credit card account, you may be considering an account of your own. Maybe …

Sign Up Bonus Alert: Get 50,000 AAdvantage Miles or ThankYou Points by Opening a Citigold Checking Account

Sign Up Bonus Alert: Get 50,000 AAdvantage Miles or ThankYou Points by Opening a Citigold Checking Account


TopMiles

One of the best things about living in the US is the amount of benefits you could get by simply opening a bank account. Citi is currently offering a whopping 50,000 AAdvantage miles or ThankYou points if you open a Citigold checking account.

TIAA Direct Bank Promotions: $50 To $200 Bonuses

by Tony Phan @ Bank Bonus Guy

Get TIAA Direct promotions, bonuses and offers here. Typical bonus offers are for $50, $100, $150 and $200. TIAA Direct is an online only bank, so there are no physical branches to visit. This, in turn, allows for fewer fees than your traditional brick-and-mortar banks, and accounts are available to everyone nationwide. TIAA Direct review […]

Very Suggestive Texts

Very Suggestive Texts

by Mallory Ortberg @ Slate Articles

Mallory Ortberg, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com.)

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Q. Schoolgirl crush—but I’m 37 and married: I’ve made a terrible mistake. I flirted heavily with a co-worker at our holiday party, much more so than a married woman should flirt. Lots of touching, and there was a moment where we almost kissed but held back. Afterward we exchanged very suggestive texts for a day or two. If I’m totally honest I really enjoyed the tension and thrill of it, and I definitely did more than my part to start and keep the situation going.

Now I feel extremely guilty and ashamed, but do not plan to burden my husband by telling him what happened—it would devastate him and destroy the trust in our relationship. My dilemma is that I genuinely like this co-worker and now realize I am also really attracted to him. I don’t want to have these feelings. I am married and too old to have a crush. I’ll be more cautious about spending time with him alone now that these unexpected feelings have surfaced, but what else should I do to protect my marriage?

A: I don’t think “trying very hard not to have feelings” and telling yourself that 37 is “too old” to be swept away by a powerful crush is going to be a useful strategy. You may not want to experience these feelings, but that’s the trouble with feelings. They don’t come based on whether or not we want them, and they don’t vanish just because they make us feel uncomfortable.

I think your plan to limit your time with this co-worker is a good one. But when those feelings resurface, don’t try to deny or negate them—that will only make them feel all the more forbidden and exciting. Just say to yourself, “Yeah, I have a crush on this man, and I want to find excuses to flirt with him and get his attention.” That doesn’t mean you have to do those things, but it may help to acknowledge your attraction in the moment, rather than try desperately to convince yourself you’re too old to feel this way—you’re demonstrably not, by dint of, you know, feeling this way.

Q. Couch lover: This fall, I gained sole custody of my 11-year-old sister, “Ada,” from our mother. Ada is on the autism spectrum, which was “too much” for our mother to handle, and she took it out on my sister when she wasn’t abandoning her at home for days outright. Ada’s transitioned well to living in my apartment with me. One thing worries me though: She refuses to sleep in her bed.

Her room was previously used as a rec room, so across from her bed was a couch that I had planned to move as soon as I could. Somehow she decided that the couch was a much better place to sleep, and has completely abandoned her bed. Even if I put her to bed in her actual bed, by the time I go to sleep she’s curled up on her couch. When I ask her why she likes sleeping on the couch instead of her bed, she shrugs and says it’s comfier. She has limited communication skills, so that’s the most concrete answer I’ve gotten from her.

I don’t want to force Ada to sleep in her bed, or stress her out to the point of a meltdown by getting rid of the couch, but I’m also worried that people might think I’m neglecting her needs if I continue to let her sleep on the couch. Do you have any suggestions?

A: I’m glad to hear that Ada has you, and that she doesn’t have to deal with your mother’s neglect and dislike anymore. A lot of kids on the spectrum have sensory issues, and may feel marked discomfort at certain sensations—like a bed that’s too soft or otherwise uncomfortable. If she’s happy on the couch, then I think you should let her continue to sleep there. You might try putting a couch (or a futon) in her bedroom at some point, but if the couch is working for her now, then that’s all that matters. Hopefully no one will ask or judge you about where your sister is most comfortable sleeping, but if it comes up, you can just say that it’s what she wants, and leave it at that.

Q. Breaking up with my psychiatrist: I have been seeing the same psychiatrist for over 10 years for depression and anxiety. In some ways, he’s been great—accessible by phone when I’m in crisis, and seeing me on a cash basis when I haven’t had insurance. But it feels like our relationship has been deteriorating for months now. He is dismissive of how routine sexism and sexual harassment corrode my quality of life. He sometimes tells me my thoughts are “just crazy,” or accuses me of being irrational, which undermines my confidence in my own ability to make decisions without his help.

Most recently, I felt like he was gaslighting me in a session: first telling me I was being irrational, then denying he has ever called me irrational; treating me like I was acting out of control when I was trying to have a calm conversation; interrupting me and talking over me. After 15 minutes of this he basically said we would have to end the session if I couldn’t “calm down.” When I said I was calm, he interrupted me again and went back to barking at me that I needed to calm down. I told him I didn’t think we could continue the session and left. It felt really good to leave!

Since then I have used the holidays as a reason not to see him again and am in the process of finding help elsewhere. What, if any, responsibility do I have to “break up” with this psychiatrist? Do I owe him an explanation?

A: You don’t owe him an explanation. You don’t have to convince him that you have sufficient justification to look elsewhere for help with your mental health, especially since he has a history of ignoring you and speaking over you. If it feels important to you to say why you’re leaving, you can absolutely say, “I’m going to find a new psychiatrist; when you call me ‘crazy’ or ‘irrational,’ or dismiss my experience with sexual harassment, I don’t feel comfortable being honest and vulnerable with you. Last month was our last session.” Remember that he does not have to agree with you in order for you to move on. I think you’re making the right decision, and I wish you a lot of luck in finding a psychiatrist who doesn’t routinely bark at you.

Q. Re: Schoolgirl crush—but I’m 37 and married: I had been married for almost 15 years when I got an intense crush on someone I worked with. Unlike you, I told my husband. It was like popping a balloon. The words came out of my mouth, and the crush just evaporated.

I don’t necessarily recommend this for you, as your situation is different and involves heavy flirting and sexy texts. We never went there; though the attraction was pretty obviously mutual, we stayed friendly but professional. It depends on what kind of relationship you have with your husband. For me, telling him got rid of the whole feedback loop Mallory mentioned. It was no longer a shameful secret, but just some weird thing happening. I still have a great, friendly, professional relationship with the guy (and also kind of wonder what I saw in him).

A: I’m so glad to hear that was helpful! I agree it may not be right for the letter writer to share this with her husband—they may not have the kind of relationship you share with your husband, and there’s a difference between “I’m attracted to someone at work” and “I’m attracted to someone at work I almost kissed and sort-of sexted”—but even just saying it out loud, to herself if to no one else, may take some of the heavy, forbidden, secretive power out of their interactions. I’m so glad to hear from someone who felt a powerful attraction to someone who wasn’t their partner, acknowledged their feelings, and moved on. It’s a helpful reminder that feelings, while powerful, aren’t the only things in the world that can drive our behavior.

Q. Other kids: My marriage collapsed after my son was born. He was a miracle, but a costly one. Fertility treatments bankrupted our savings, my wife suffered from several miscarriages, and our son was born premature. When my son was 2, my wife told me she wanted another child. I refused. We fought. A lot. At the time I thought her to be selfish and shortsighted—we were tapped out financially and emotionally. I wanted to finally enjoy ourselves as a family. She filed for divorce.

My son is 9 now, and I have remarried a widow with a girl who I have adopted. My ex has never remarried. We have a good working relationship and she is an excellent mother to our son. My bitterness has faded. My new wife is pregnant. This is unexpected and everything seems to be going well. We have not told anyone. How do I tell my ex-wife? It feels like cheating to let the news come from social media or our son, but telling the news to her face feels like rubbing it in. I want to keep our good rapport, but I am afraid of bringing up bad blood.

A: It’s been seven years since your divorce, and the relationship you have with your ex-wife now sounds markedly different from the one you had back when you were fighting every day. I think there’s an excellent chance she’ll respond to the news gracefully, or at least politely. But even if she gets upset, she has to hear it from you—don’t let her find out from Facebook or her 9-year-old son. That almost guarantees a bitter reaction.

Be frank and friendly when you tell her—there’s no reason to go into detail about whether or not the baby was planned—and if it seems like she’s having a difficult time absorbing the news, find a way to keep the conversation relatively brief and let her go deal with whatever feelings may come up for her on her own. You shouldn’t apologize for having a child with your new wife seven years after your divorce—just because you didn’t want a child at that particular time, in that particular context, doesn’t mean that you are banned from ever changing your mind.

Q. Dominating sister: What is the best way to deal with an older sister (56) who treats me, her little brother (46), like a 3-year-old? She has never stopped talking about me in the third person when I’m standing next to her. When I’m working with subtitles for my job on my laptop, I’m playing a game. She claims I own many guns (I’ve never touched one), never knocks before entering my room or the bathroom, and if a fire starts anywhere in California, she asks if I started it, because I played with matches—once—40 years ago.

I have to spend a week with her for the holidays and I’m ready to block her number. We went to the same prep schools and were raised in the same house, yet I’m supposedly a sociopath who’s never been arrested or even been in a fight. How to handle this?

A: I think that blocking her number is certainly an option. It sounds like your sister is likely unwell if she’s experiencing delusions and/or compulsively lying, and while I don’t think she’s likely to respond well to the suggestion, I hope very much that someone in her life is able to tell her that she needs to seek professional treatment. That person probably shouldn’t be you, given that you seem to be a frequent target of her delusions. If you need to limit or even eliminate contact with her for your own well-being, then I think you should do so. If it helps to spend a few sessions with a therapist talking about how being targeted by your sister’s lies has affected you and what you need to do in order to protect yourself, I encourage you to find one. But you can—and absolutely should!—say, “I can’t spend time with you if you’re going to invade my privacy, lie about me, or suggest that I’m a danger to other people when I’m not.”

Q. Re: Couch lover: I really liked small spaces when I was a teen—it made me feel comforted to be surrounded on all sides. Let the kid have her couch. Tell anyone who doesn’t like it to take a flying leap.

A: I imagine some of the letter writer’s anxiety about being perceived as neglectful comes from the fact that their mother was, in fact, neglectful. But I don’t think other people would necessarily see the couch-bed setup and think, “Oh no, this kid is being neglected”—I think it’s not as unusual as the letter writer fears it might be.

Q. The constant whistler: My roommate and colleague of three months, “Lisa,” has a habit of humming and whistling quite constantly. Because we share the same living space, office space, and work schedule, this means I hear it quite a bit, and what I initially thought was a quirky habit is now extremely irritating to me. If we make the 15-minute walk to work together, she’ll begin to whistle three to four times during lulls in our conversation, for about 10–20 seconds each time. I’ve begun to head in to the office early to avoid walking with her, and make excuses to head back on my own when work is over. She hums or whistles relatively often in the office, and even more frequently in our small apartment, in buses, taxis, et cetera. She’s a nice girl, and by default my closest friend here (we are expats in a foreign country, in a city with few English speakers), but I find her lack of self-awareness so frustrating!

I know I need to do it, but I just can’t think of a polite yet firm way to ask her not to hum or whistle so frequently around me without upsetting her; it seems to be a habit that’s pretty ingrained in her. I would love to take bigger steps like moving apartments, but unfortunately that’s not an option for me at the moment.

A: “I don’t know if you’re conscious of this, but you whistle and hum a lot of the time when we’re at home together, and that makes it hard for me to concentrate if I’m working or relax if I’m trying to unwind. Do you mind keeping it to a minimum when we’re at home? I’m glad you enjoy it, and I don’t want you to feel like you have to be totally silent, but I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t whistle so often.” If she responds positively but occasionally forgets—after all, it sounds like a pretty unconscious habit, and it may take a while for her to become aware of how frequently she does it—just mention it casually. “Hey, you’re doing it again; do you mind stopping?” It’s a very gentle, very reasonable request, and if she’s otherwise a good roommate, I’m sure she’ll be happy to cut back.

Q. When do I tell girlfriend about sexual assault?: When I was in high school, I (a male) was repeatedly sexually assaulted and harassed by a female classmate for years. Some of my friends knew about it, but thought it was funny or that I was “lucky”. After high school, I never told a single person about it. The assault caused me to experience depression and a crisis of faith. It also made me afraid to become close to females, and to have physical interactions with them, thus damaging and dooming pretty much every romantic relationship I’ve had since.

Due to the #MeToo movement, I’ve started telling a few people about my assault. I recently started dating a great girl. It is still early in the relationship, and we haven’t kissed or anything due to my trauma, which she doesn’t know about. I’m starting to think she thinks there is something wrong or that I don’t like her. When and how should I tell her? I’m afraid that going too dark and serious too soon may damage the relationship. I really like her.

A: I’m so sorry that you were sexually assaulted, and I’m even sorrier that the people you trusted as your friends responded by dismissing and mocking the repeated violations you experienced. I hope that the friends you’ve started sharing your experience with recently have responded with compassion, belief, and support. If you’re anxious about talking to this girl about being assaulted and harassed, it may help to speak to your friends first about what you’re afraid of, and to enlist their support before and after you speak to her.

First, of course, it’s worth pointing out that you’re not obligated to disclose anything if you don’t want to. You can absolutely say, “I’d prefer to take our physical relationship slow, but I really like you and I want to keep seeing each other.” Or you can offer her a quick sketch of where you’re coming from without going into detail: “When I was younger, I was assaulted and harassed by a female classmate, and I’m still dealing with the aftermath. I don’t want to talk about it in detail right now, but I do want you to know where I’m coming from and what I’m dealing with.” Your reluctance is understandable, given how in the past you were met with dismissal and laughter when you tried to tell people you suffered sexual violence at the hands of a teenage girl. But if this woman you’re seeing now is a good person—and it sounds like she is—I think she’ll be understanding and respectful. Whenever you feel ready is the best time to tell her. I hope she responds with compassion.

Q. Re: Couch lover: My son is on the spectrum and has some very specific needs for sleep. The letter writer may not be aware of what routine Ada followed in her mother’s home, and that routine could help explain why she wants to sleep on the couch. It may be the place where she feels most comfortable. Also, it may provide the best source of sensory deprivation.

Sleeping on a couch is so far away from neglect, especially when the letter writer is providing his or her sister with a stable, loving home. There are a lot of organizations that can provide the letter writer with support as he or she starts navigating parenting a child with autism. Take care.

A: Thanks so much for this. The most important thing to remember, I think, is that the letter writer is doing what’s best for his or her sister. It’s much better to give Ada a place to sleep where she feels comfortable and relaxed than to try to get her to sleep in a bed because of what other people might think—the letter writer is doing the absolute best thing for Ada.

Ortberg: Thanks for stopping by during a quiet week! See you next time.

If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.
Discuss this column with Dear Prudence on her Facebook page!

Today Only: Save On Hasbro Toys And Games From Amazon; Clue, Monopoly, Jenga, Play-Doh, Nerf, And More!

by JJ @ DansDeals.com

Today Only: Save On Hasbro Toys And Games From Amazon; Clue, Monopoly, Jenga, Play-Doh, Nerf, And More! Sale valid until 11:59pm PST or while supplies last. Sample deals: Games: Clue: $6.14 Add-on item. Pit Game: $6.99 Boggle Junior: $8.03 The Game of Life Junior Game: $11.05 Don’t Step In It: $8.77 after $3 clip coupon […]

Earn Bonus Cash Back for Regular Household Spending – With NO Annual Fee

Earn Bonus Cash Back for Regular Household Spending – With NO Annual Fee

by Million Mile Secrets @ Million Mile Secrets

For many folks, paying for gas and groceries each month is a big regular expense.  If this is your situation, and you are looking for a good cash back rewards credit card with no annual fee, the AMEX Blue Cash Everyday card may be right for you. With 3% cash back at US supermarkets (on up …

Grubhub: $20 off $20+ For New Customers (Now $7 off $15)

by Jonathan Ping @ My Money Blog

(Update: At least for some folks, the promotion has been reduced to $7 off $15.) Here’s a Grubhub promotion that will get you $20 off your first $20+ food delivery order. You must agree to accept promotional e-mails. *Valid for first time Grubhub users only (per person and per email address). For one-time use only. […]

Four Ways We've Distorted The History of the Civil Rights Movement

Four Ways We've Distorted The History of the Civil Rights Movement

by Rebecca Onion @ Slate Articles

This MLK Day weekend, I've been finishing up Jeanne Theoharis' new book, A More Beautiful and Terrible History: The Uses and Misuses of Civil Rights History. Theoharis has written other mythbusting histories of civil rights, including the 2013 biography The Rebellious Life of Mrs. Rosa Parks. A More Beautiful and Terrible History is a synthesis of arguments Theoharis and other historians have made about the truncated and bloodless way the movement gets depicted in politics, culture, and public life.

The “things you didn't learn in school” approach to correcting gaps in historical knowledge can be limiting for an author trying to make larger points about the way history works. But Theoharis doesn't stop at pointing out omissions. She makes the forceful and persuasive argument that these “misuses” matter. They affect the way we understand racism in this country, and they diminish our appreciation of the activists who fought these battles.

And they're everywhere! President Obama is far from immune.

Among the misconceptions Theoharis discusses...

Civil rights was a Southern fight. In places like New York, Boston, and Los Angeles, Theoharis shows, “nonviolent, disruptive struggles” for desegregation and reform took place starting well before the 1960s. This fact, Theoharis writes, has been proven by “an avalanche of scholarship over the past two decades,” yet public commemorations of civil rights continue to emphasize the movement's Southern-ness. That approach allows Northerners to think of racism as a solvable aberration, limited to one particularly sick region of the country.

The movement's late-1960s "turn" was tragic and sudden. Here's how the mainstream narrative about the trajectory of civil rights activism goes: MLK was good, then the Civil Rights Act passed, and then the Black Panthers were bad. “The turn to Black Power is framed as inexplicable and ungrateful,” Theoharis writes. (She points to the 2013 Lee Daniels film The Butler as an example of a bit of culture that furthers this story.)

That interpretation depends on ignorance of the decades of patient organizing that preceded the Montgomery Bus Boycott, Theoharis argues. “The mounting militancy of the later 1960s didn't come out of nowhere,” she writes. “It came from ignoring, denigrating, and rejecting the demands community organizers had made for years for real school desegregation and educational equity, open and affordable housing, jobs and a robust social safety net, equitable municipal services, and the transformation of the criminal justice system.”

Activists just wanted a seat on the bus/at the lunch counter. Our public fixation on two primal scenes of civil rights—Rosa Parks with her tired feet; stoic students wearing coats and ties at a Woolworth's counter—obscures the real breadth of what the movement wanted, Theoharis argues. Refer to the list above, or to the author's capsule histories of economic justice organizations like the Poor People's Campaign and the National Welfare Rights Organization, or her discussion of the way the cases of Emmett Till and Jeremiah Reeves influenced activists to fight for criminal justice reform.

In retroactively narrowing the movement's goals to access to public accommodations, Theoharis argues, we allow ourselves to think of the problem as “solved.” Reading about the goals of the campaign for economic justice makes it clear that this is far from true.

The movement was led by a few charismatic men. High-school junior Barbara Johns organized a strike in 1951 to protest the conditions at her all-black high school in Virginia. She and her student compatriots eventually brought their case to the Supreme Court, as part of Brown v. Board. But this was just the movement's first student-led strike against inequitable education. Theoharis tells the story of later strikes in New York and Los Angeles, writing “Students fought back to show that they were not the problem but that the education they were being provided was—a lesson this country still wants to ignore.” The stories of these young people, as well as those of female activists like Coretta Scott King, Ella Baker, and Rosa Parks, show how broad and deep the movement truly was.

There's a lot more in the book, including analyses of Northern media outlets' failures to cover racism in their own cities; the story of civil rights activism in Los Angeles before Watts; and meditations on the lessons a true history of the movement can provide activists.

Discover Bank Promotions

by Bank Bonus @ Checking Account Promos

Discover Bank Promotions Discover Bank – Open a Discover Bank savings account online instantly and earn a rate 5x the National Savings Average with a low opening deposit and access to your cash anytime. You have to have a Discover Savings account or … Continue reading

Open/Fund Bank Accounts With Credit Cards For Promotions

by Tony Phan @ Bank Bonus Guy

Here’s a guide on using a credit card to fund the opening deposit when you sign-up for new Checking and Savings accounts for various banks. Common reasons for credit card funding bank accounts: To meet opening deposit requirements for new Checking/Savings account promotions. To help with credit card spending to meet a new credit card’s […]

35,000 Signup bonus for Amex SPG Credit Card [Targeted]

by takeoffwithmiles @ Takeoff With Miles

Check your email, There is a targeted offer, which will get you 35,000 Starpoints as signup bonus with Starwood Preferred Guest credit card . The subject of the email is “Earn Our Highest Offer: 35,000 Bonus Starpoints” Note that you can only get the signup bonus once in a life time per product with American Express personal & ...

The post 35,000 Signup bonus for Amex SPG Credit Card [Targeted] appeared first on Takeoff With Miles.

Wyndham Hotels Promotion: Stay Twice, Get One Free Night at Any Wyndham

by Jonathan Ping @ My Money Blog

Wyndham Hotels has a new Stay Twice, Get a Free Night promotion. Wyndham Hotels is an interesting chain of hotels that includes Days Inn, Travelodge, Super 8, Howard Johnson, Ramada, Dolce, Wingate, and Wyndham Grand hotels. If you register here first as a Wyndham Rewards member, book by 6/30/18, and make two stays by 7/1/18, […]

One Night In Seattle + 10K IHG Rewards Club Points For $73

by DDG @ Danny the Deal Guru

I just posted this offer which can earn you 10K IHG points for Kimpton stays. It was previously targeted but it is now available to everyone. Now I just saw in a Frequent Miler post that Kimpton Hotel Vintage Seattle can be booked for just $73 a night. That means that you get a night and…

The post One Night In Seattle + 10K IHG Rewards Club Points For $73 appeared first on Danny the Deal Guru.

$20 Off First GrubHub Food Delivery Order of $20+ (For New Users)

$20 Off First GrubHub Food Delivery Order of $20+ (For New Users)

by TheRewardBoss @ The Reward Boss

$20 Off GrubHub Food Delivery 2/7/18 Update: They seem to have just updated this to $7 off $15 shortly after publishing this (instead of $20 off $20). Sorry for the short notice, hope you got it. Who doesn't love free food? Get $20 off your first meal delivery of $20+ from GrubHub! This is for…

The post $20 Off First GrubHub Food Delivery Order of $20+ (For New Users) appeared first on The Reward Boss.

Choice Hotels Cheat Sheet – How to use Choice Privileges points

by MileCards.com @ MileCards.com

  Choice Privileges is lesser known hotel program that can offer some incredible value for redemptions. Unfortunately, however, Choice points are not the easiest to earn. In this article, we will answer all of the questions you need to know about earning and redeeming Choice points. What hotels can you book with Choice Privileges points? […]

Alaska Award Sale, Book For Just 5,000 Miles One-Way

by DDG @ Danny the Deal Guru

Alaska Airlines announced a new award sale with flights start at just 5,000 miles one-way. For a limited time only, find great deals when you book flights with Mileage Plan miles. That means you’ll use fewer miles to travel to your favorite places, and can save those extra miles for future flights. Just go to…

The post Alaska Award Sale, Book For Just 5,000 Miles One-Way appeared first on Danny the Deal Guru.

The Best Home Gym Equipment

The Best Home Gym Equipment

by Lauren Levy @ Slate Articles

This article originally appeared on the Strategist.

Remember that creaky stationary bike your grandma used to have in her basement? Well, forget about it. Today’s big-ticket home-gym equipment is nothing like that. The list of treadmills, bikes, and rowing machines below are so advanced that you can join live classes or work out with a virtual personal trainer right from the comfort of your own living room. It’s 2018, people, there’s no need to schlep all the way to the gym to have someone yell at you to work harder and run faster. And if you’d like to add some smaller items to round out the gym, we’ve written about a variety of those and gone deep on foam rollers before.

“NordicTrack makes a rower called the RW200. It’s super lightweight, and for the cost, it’s a really bare-bones approach to getting a piece of cardio equipment into your house. Rowing is a really efficient form of exercise. It works the upper and lower body, while also focusing on core strength. The machine itself completely folds up, too, so you don’t have to worry about keeping it in your living room all the time. For the price, it’s the most practical.” —Emily Abbate, fitness consultant and freelance editor

NordicTrack RW200 Rower
$675, Amazon

“A rower is hands down the best bang for your buck when it comes to investing in a big-ticket home-workout machine. Rowing is truly a full-body workout that uses almost every major muscle group in your body, including your legs, back, core, and arms. Engaging so many muscles simultaneously elevates your heart rate and burns a lot of calories. Even when your strength and endurance improve, rowing can be made more challenging, so this machine will never become obsolete as your fitness level increases. Challenging yourself is as simple as rowing harder or rowing faster, and as you push yourself on a rower, your cardiovascular health, endurance, and overall strength and power will continuously improve. Plus, rowing is a low-impact exercise and is a very safe form of cardio suitable for everyone.” —Eric Salvador, head trainer, Fhitting Room and certified indoor-rowing instructor

Concept2 Model D Indoor Rowing Machine With PM5
$945, Amazon

“The NordicTrack X22i incline trainer is a treadmill that goes up to a 40 percent incline where most treadmills stop at 15. It has the greatest running deck because the motor is at the back, whereas most have that at the front where your impact zone is, so it has a much greater buffer. Along with all of this is a massive touch-operated screen console with iFit technology. Not only can you choose to work out with iFit pro trainers on the machine in real time at the greatest locations in the world, but it also automatically increases speed and incline for you as the trainer leading your workout accelerates or climbs. All stats are saved so you can monitor your results and gauge progress. New workouts and destinations are added all the time, too.” —Steve Uria, founder, Switch Playground

NordicTrack X22i Incline Trainer
$2,699, NordicTrack

Other (cheaper) versions of NordicTrack treadmills are available on Amazon here.

“I’m in love with the Octane Zero Runner. The company just released its first version to a residential market. The beauty of the machine is that it has a ‘knee joint,’ which enables you to use a much more natural running gait than a more traditional elliptical trainer, while still giving your body a break from the impact of treadmill or outdoor running. I actually trained for a 15k trail race this past year using the Zero Runner for the vast majority of my training. For someone like me, who often has to scale back running due to back issues, the Zero Runner gives me the chance to maximize indoor training with a natural running gait without killing my body in the process. Of course, it’s spendy, at around $3,000, so not something you’d want to purchase without trying it first. Also, it takes some getting used to. Getting the form right isn’t as intuitive as some machines. You have to be willing to work at it a little bit to master the movement. It took my husband about a week’s worth of workouts to feel comfortable.” —Laura Williams, author, fitness instructor and founder, Girls Gone Sporty

Octane Fitness ZR7 Zero Runner
$2,475, Amazon

“The Bodycraft allows you to work every muscle group in a variety of ways, and its exercises are strength-based to help you build muscle, boost metabolism, and burn fat. It’s also fun because two people can use this at once.” —Radan Sturm, founder, Liftonic

Bodycraft X2 Multi-Station Home Gym
$3,999, Amazon

“The Bandbell is a unique bar that’s unlike any other for injury-prevention, strength training and rehab, or pre-hab. It also challenges your core since it forces you to stabilize. I also recommend everyone having resistance bands at home, and the best brand out there is the SlingShot. They are easy to store, use, and travel with. Plus they can crush your glutes!” —Kirk Myers, founder, Dogpound

Bandbell Barbell
$326, Amazon

“Every single client that walks into the gym wants to reduce their body fat and lose weight, but doesn’t want to put in the time, or they lack time. So an at-home workout machine is perfect for fitting around busy schedules and making quick fat-loss gains. Bikes are the biggest bang for your buck. One of my favorites is the cutting-edge indoor bike from Peloton. Users can go in a live or taped stream and they’ll be in a workout-class setting. This increases the motivation they need to get the workout done. It’s a great way to burn fat, release endorphins, and overall feel fabulous.” —Harry Hanson, Hanson Fitness

Peloton Bike
$1,995, Peleton

“The Skillmill is by far one of the most innovative and effective exercise equipment I’ve seen in years. It allows the user to push their body to the limit by completely controlling the motion of the machine by human force instead of the motor (it has no motor). You can also adjust the resistance for power-development workouts to add variety to your workout routine. It’s excellent for short, high-intensity, metabolic-conditioning workouts rather than long, low-intensity workouts. You can achieve advanced cardiovascular and strength workouts in a short period of time while only needing minimal space for the machine itself. We use it at our Life Time clubs as a part of our training programs for our clients. It’s high-performance and ultracool.” —David Juhn, personal-training manager, Life Time Athletic Sky

Skillmill Connect
$9,740, Techno Gym

“If the sky’s the limit on budget, the CardioGym CG6 is everything you could ever need for an at-home workout with coached HITT programming while you cycle. If that’s too sky-high, the Peloton Bike is a great option. When I’m on the road, I always have my ‘I Get Around travel kit, complete with everything you need to work arms, abs, and booty on the go.” —Bec Donlan, curator of Hotel Americano’s #FitnessAmericano program

CardioGym CG6
$5,995, CardioGym

This article is published through a partnership with New York magazine’s the Strategist and Select All. The partnership is designed to surface the most useful, expert recommendations for things to buy across the vast e-commerce landscape. We update links when possible, but note that deals can expire and all prices are subject to change. Every editorial product is independently selected by New York magazine. If you buy something through our links, Slate and New York magazine may earn an affiliate commission.

Award Sale War: Deeply Discounted Alaska Airlines Flights to Many Locations Starting at 5,000 Miles One-Way

Award Sale War: Deeply Discounted Alaska Airlines Flights to Many Locations Starting at 5,000 Miles One-Way

by Jason @ Million Mile Secrets

Via Frequent Miler, right on the heels of a Delta Airlines award sale, Alaska Airlines is having a sale on award flights from lots of cities with prices starting at 5,000 Alaska Airlines miles one-way!  You can even get some good deals from the West Coast to Hawaii for only 25,000 Alaska Airlines miles! To get …

Get Continental Miles For Opening Up A Chase Free Checking Account!

by Dan @ Banking – DansDeals.com

Offer Linky  -10,000 miles for opening up the checking account. -7,500 miles for opening a Continental/Chase debit card. ($25 annual fee) -7,500 miles for adding 3 additional cardholders. When you’re done you’ll have enough miles for either: -A free domestic ticket. -36% of a ticket to Israel in coach -25% of a ticket to Israel […]

Self Lender Review: Is It Good?

by feedback@creditdonkey.com (Kim P) @ CreditDonkey Reviews

Self Lender promises to help you build credit. But is it legit? Read this review to learn how it works.

If you don't have a credit history, creditors probably won't give you a chance. How can you build credit without someone giving you a break?

Enter Self Lender - a credit monitoring and credit building system that helps people with low or damaged credit increase their credit score.

Read on to see if Self Lender might be the right service for you.

What Is Self Lender?

Self Lender is a free credit monitoring system. But they also offer credit building loans. This is where they make their money.

Self Lender's credit monitoring service gives you on-demand access to your credit score. It gives you access to your credit history at all times. Self Lender also offers suggestions on how to improve your credit. They provide all of this free of cost.

However, the credit building loan is the real meat and potatoes of Self Lender. They provide loans regardless of your credit score. The main purpose of the loan is to build or improve a low credit score. In other words, they give you a chance no matter how many other lenders turned you down.

How Self Lender Works

The Self Lender loan isn't your typical loan. Think of it like a loan in reverse. You don't receive the proceeds from the loan upfront. Instead, it's placed in a Certificate of Deposit for you. The maturity date equals the term of the loan.

You then make payments over the course of the term of the loan (12 to 24 months). Your payments are both principal and interest. At the end of the term, the CD matures. You receive the principal, plus the small amount of interest it gained during that time.

As you make payments, Self Lender reports them to Experian, Equifax, and TransUnion. If you make your payments on time, this will help build up your credit score.

Some people think of it like a forced savings program. In order to receive the savings, you have to make timely loan payments. At the end of the term, you will receive the principal amount paid for the loan.

Who Benefits from Self Lender?

Self Lender is ideal for people who have little to no credit. If you've ever tried to apply for credit only to be turned down because you don't have any credit, you are a good candidate. How are you supposed to prove you are credit worthy if no one will extend credit?

This is where Self Lender helps the most. They don't pull your credit to determine eligibility.

It can also be a good option for those with damaged credit. With a poor credit history, many creditors will turn you down for new credit. Without new credit, it's nearly impossible to rectify your score. Self Lender can help by providing you with the credit building loan.

Before you jump on board though, make sure you meet the following requirements:

  • You are at least 18-years old
  • You have a valid bank account
  • You can afford the monthly payments that vary between $25 - $194 per month
  • You could benefit from a forced-savings account

Opening an Account and What It Costs

Opening a Self Lender account takes about five minutes. They need the following information:

  • Name
  • Address
  • Social Security number
  • Date of birth
  • Amount of income

Once you provide this information, Self Lender runs a check on ChexSystems. Similar to running your credit, this system checks your bank account history. This keeps an eye on how you treat your bank accounts. They look for overdrafts and bad checks. However, unless you let your overdrafts sit unpaid, you should be in good shape.

If your ChexSystems report comes back clean, Self Lender will ask you which loan amount you want from a predetermined list of options:

  • $525 ($25 paid over 24 months)
  • $545 ($48 paid over 12 months)
  • $1,000 ($89 monthly payment over 12 months)
  • $2,200 ($194 monthly payment over 12 months)

You then enter your payment information. You can use a checking account or debit card. However, using a debit card will cost you an additional 2.99% plus $0.30 as a convenience fee. Using your checking account is best.

Self Lender also charges a small administrative fee based on your loan amount. It varies between $9 and $15. The fee is non-refundable, but is a one-time fee.

How the Credit Builder Loan Helps

The moment you take out the Credit Builder Loan, you have a FDIC-insured Certificate of Deposit opened in your name. Like any other CD, you cannot touch the money until it reaches maturity. In this case, it's 12 or 24 months.

The bank deposits the full amount in the CD, allowing it to earn 0.10% interest over the next 12-24 months. While the interest is really peanuts, the real benefit lies in the payments you make towards the loan.

As long as you make each loan payment on time, Self Lender reports the timely payments to the credit bureaus. According to Self Lender, on average clients with the standard $1,100 loan and timely payments see their credit score increase as much as 45 points in just 6 months.

This only works, however, if all aspects of your credit are in line. For example, if you have a credit card with another company that you let default, your credit score will fall. This is independent of what the Credit Builder loan can do for you. It's up to you how you handle all aspects of your credit profile.

Tip: It's best if you do not pay the Credit Builder Loan early. The main benefit is the timely payments reported to the credit bureau. If you pay it off early, you negate the benefits of the loan. Plus, you cannot touch the CD until maturity or you risk paying a penalty.

Pros and Cons of Self Lender

As with any financial product, there are pros and cons of Self Lender.

Pros

  • All payments are reported to the credit bureau to help you build a credit profile.
  • You have a "forced" savings account.
  • You don't need a credit check to get approved.
  • The upfront administrative fee is affordable.
  • The interest rate is often less than that of a credit card.
  • An installment loan may diversify your credit mix, which further helps your credit score.

Cons

  • If you have a negative history with bank accounts, you may not qualify.
  • Late payments are reported to the credit bureaus and could damage your credit.
  • It costs you 5% per monthly payment if you miss the grace period of 15 days.
  • The interest earned on the CD is next to nothing.
  • You have to pay to take out the loan versus other free ways to build credit.

How It Compares to Other Options to Build Credit

Self Lender isn't the only way consumers with thin or damaged credit can build credit.

  • Secured credit card: This option isn't free upfront, but it can be if handled correctly. Your credit line equals your deposit. You can find secured credit cards that require as little as $200 deposited. If you pay the balance off each month, you don't pay any interest. You can also get your deposit back if you upgrade or close your account.

  • Co-signer on a loan: If you have a willing co-signer for a loan, you may be able to get approved for a standard credit card or installment loan.

  • Authorized user: Ask to become an authorized user on a parent, sibling, or other close relative's credit card. Make sure you ask the credit card company beforehand if they report payment history for authorized users, though.

Bottom Line

If you've exhausted all other "free" options to build credit, Self Lender can be helpful. If you don't have anyone who can co-sign a loan or make you an authorized user, you have two options: a secured credit card or Self Lender. If you don't have the money to open a secured credit card, Self Lender may offer the lower cost way to build your credit.

Make sure before you take this option that you can afford the monthly payments. Paying for a loan that you will only pay late will damage your credit score and cost you money. When taken responsibly, though, the service can help you improve your score in a short amount of time.

Self Lender Review: Is It Good? appeared first on CreditDonkey

Blooom: Finally, a Robo-Advisor to Help You Manage Your 401K

by Ashley Chorpenning @ PT Money

When you started your first job, were you offered a 401(k) account? And if you were, did you even know what that meant? PT's note: When I started my first big career job (nine months with KPMG out of Shreveport, LA) I never invested with the 401K! I didn't even get the match! It wasn't […]

The post Blooom: Finally, a Robo-Advisor to Help You Manage Your 401K appeared first on PT Money.

Toy Story

Toy Story

by Mallory Ortberg @ Slate Articles

Mallory Ortberg, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Sign up below to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com.)

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Q. Dolls: Before my paternal grandmother died, she would buy me an original American Girl doll every year for Christmas. I had the dolls, the books, and most of the accessories. My fondest memories of my time with my grandmother were playing with those dolls. I took very good care of them, and when I went off to college, I packed them up to be stored at my mother’s house. I have graduated and have my own place, so I went back to my mother’s to get my stored stuff. My mother gave away several of my dolls! A co-worker helped her out and mentioned her young daughter liked the dolls, so my mother just gave them to her! I was heartbroken, and we fought. My mother didn’t think it should matter since I had “so many.” I told her those dolls were worth a lot and she had no right to steal my things. I wanted her to tell me the name of her co-worker so I could get my dolls back. She refused and said that it was out of the question, that I would be embarrassing her.

My mother never liked my grandmother or how close I was to her or my father after the divorce. I can’t get over this. I took everything away from that house, and going through the boxes makes me cry. I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I think I should call up my mother’s office and figure out who has my dolls—there are only two or three women who have girls the right age. I could take my mother to small claims court, but that would ruin everything more. These dolls and a few pictures are all I have left of my grandmother. What should I do?

A: I’m glad to hear that you’ve already decided against taking this to small claims court. Whether or not you have grounds to extract a few hundred dollars from your mother there, it wouldn’t bring your dolls back, nor would it help the two of you repair your relationship. While I understand the strong attachment you had to these dolls, I can’t encourage you to find this little girl’s mother and demand she give them back, either. It’s certainly not this little girl’s fault. It would be wildly inappropriate for you to call your mother’s office and try to “find out” which of her co-workers has a daughter of doll-owning age. Please find a therapist who can help you work through these feelings of resentment and grief, and do not attempt to harass your mother’s co-workers.

I’m of the opinion that, post-college, if you’re living elsewhere, using your parents’ house as a storage unit with an open-ended, indefinite lease does not qualify as “taking good care” of something you don’t want to lose. That doesn’t mean your mother was right to give the dolls away, but it’s incumbent upon you, the owner, to take responsibility for where and how they are stored. It sounds like you’ve already removed the remaining dolls from your mother’s house; I encourage you to find a safe place to store them, along with the pictures of your grandmother, in your own home.

You have the right to be angry with your mother. You can have whatever conversations you need to with her about how her actions made you feel and how you’ve long believed she resented your closeness with your grandmother. If you cry when you go through the boxes of your few remaining heirlooms, go ahead and cry. All of those are appropriate responses to your situation. But taking your mother to court, or demanding a little girl give you her dolls, are not.

Q. Ungrateful child: I am 32 years old and a single mom to a 3-year-old daughter. I’m in graduate school and scheduled to graduate in May. I already have a job lined up after graduation. My daughter and I live rent-free with my parents, although I do pay a minimal amount for utilities and groceries, as well as take care of my other bills. Recently, my mother’s health has dramatically declined (debilitating arthritis, et cetera), and my father is not doing well either. They are only in their mid-50s. Rather than being grateful for what they’ve provided me with, I find myself resenting them. Whereas my mom and I used to be close, now we argue constantly. She thinks I’m ungrateful for the free child care and housing they’ve provided me. I think she uses it as a method of guilt-tripping me, and I wish she could recognize how hard I am trying. The stress of arguing can’t be good for her health, and it’s bad for my mental well-being. I should be more grateful, and I should be more understanding. What can I do to adjust my attitude and ensure we can live peaceably for the next six months until I can move out?

A: This is challenging! Six months is a short enough time that you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and might not think finding temporary housing is worth the hassle, but it’s also long enough that you can’t just grit your teeth and muscle through it.

There are some pretty basic tools you can use when a conversation with your mother threatens to turn into a fight. You can say, “Hey, things are getting really heated, and I’m sorry I lost my temper. Let’s take a few minutes and talk about this later, when we’re both more settled.” You can take a walk and get some air when you find yourself getting stressed out. You can ask friends if they’re available for occasional child care—even a few times a month will help if your mother is feeling ill and overwhelmed running after a 3-year-old. I can’t promise this will make the next six months feel like a beautiful dream, but you’re coming from a good place to start with—you have sympathy and compassion for your mother’s situation, which does sound stressful, but you’re also clear on the fact that your parents’ generosity doesn’t entitle them to ask you for anything they want, at any time.

Q. “But what was she wearing?”: My lovely husband of 33 years has always supported me and our two grown daughters. He’s progressive politically, except for one bump in the road: He’s a “But what was she wearing?” kind of guy when it comes to rape and sexual assault. I’ve gone ballistic on the subject but to no avail. Now, because of the #MeToo stories, he wants to know if I was ever sexually harassed, and I told him about things that happened to me. His response is that it’s just because I was good-looking at the time. Yuck! Where is the responsibility on the male to just act like a decent person?

A: I mean, I’m right there with you—it is incumbent upon all adults to behave professionally at work, appropriately in public, and respectfully in private, regardless of what someone else is wearing or how good-looking (at the time!) she happens to be. Your husband ought to see that, and the fact that he doesn’t is frankly troubling. For him to push you to talk about your own experience with sexual harassment only to pull out the rug from under you by dismissing it immediately—and while getting in a nice little dig at your current appearance—suggests that he’s not interested in listening so much as he’s interested in shutting you down. If he thinks that “good-looking” women deserve to be sexually harassed by anyone who finds them attractive, that’s more than just a progressive bump in the road—that’s a significant red flag about his character.

Q. Finally figured out what annoys me about my friend: I have a longtime friend, since high school. We’re in our 60s. A group of seven of us from high school get together several times a month. This friend is generous and kind. She hosts or coordinates most of the events. However, she is pretty unyielding when others make suggestions about activities and doesn’t participate. The group frequently communicates in group texts and on Facebook. Whenever there’s a group conversation or a one-on-one conversation, she always brings the conversation around to her. Recently, we were chatting with a friend in the hospital following surgery. The spotlight hog interjected about how her Christmas decorations looked and, as an afterthought, asked the hospitalized friend how she’s doing.

I’ve gotten very frustrated with this friend but really enjoy my other friends in the group. How do I deal with her without blowing up?

A: You’ve known this woman for more than 40 years, so you should be able to have a difficult conversation about communication styles. That doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy—it sounds like part of your friendship’s longevity is due to not addressing difficult topics—but you have a solid foundation together, and you can do this. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but you often find ways to make a conversation come back to yourself before someone else has gotten the chance to speak. A specific example is when [mutual friend] was in the hospital recovering from surgery, and you started talking about your Christmas decorations. Later you asked how [mutual friend] was doing, but it was an afterthought. I find this frustrating and it makes me want to spend less time talking with you. If I were doing something like this, I’d want my friends to tell me so that I could make a change. I care about you and I know it’s not always easy to see patterns in our own behavior. I’ve been anxious to talk about this with you, because I don’t relish causing you pain, but this behavior is really limiting our friendship, and I don’t want that.”

Q. Re: Dolls: My parents did this as well. I had a collection of stuffed animals I adored and took a lot of emotional comfort in as a child. I came home for winter break and found my parents had donated them all—every single one—to the kids of their friends. I was heartbroken, and there was nothing I could do to get them back, and it felt incredibly cruel to me. I agree one shouldn’t use your parents’ home as a storage space indefinitely, but they should be courteous enough to give you a date by which to go through your stuff and move it yourself. More than that, parents, don’t assume because your kids are grown that they don’t still have attachments to their childhood toys.

Letter writer, I watched Toy Story 3 (particularly the bit at the end where Andy gives away his toys) over and over again to assure myself that the kids who now had my stuffed animals would give them a whole new lease on life. It still hurts that they’re gone. It’s OK to be angry at your mother.

A: Thanks for this—sometimes it can be difficult to know what to do with a powerful feeling of anger and hurt that’s not either “just get over it” or “lash out as quickly as possible against the person who hurt you.”

Q. Second date surgery: This is a fairly straightforward situation, but I’m not sure how to handle it. I’ve met a sweet guy, and we’ve exchanged numbers and have already gone on a first date. We have our second date tomorrow night, and three days after that, I’m having a laparoscopic (small incisions, in and out in a few hours) surgery. I’ll be on bed rest for a least a week, and since the surgery requires cutting into my abdominal muscles, it’ll be a while after the recovery before I’m able to sit up comfortably for a long period of time. I really don’t know how to explain all this on a second date without sounding like I have a weak constitution (I don’t—it’s gallbladder removal, which is one of the most common surgeries), or like I’m going to be incredibly needy for the next month or so after surgery. How should I broach this subject so the guy doesn’t think I’m not interested in seeing him again while I’m recovering, and so he doesn’t ghost me because he thinks I’m too much to handle?

A: If he thinks getting your gallbladder removed is too much to handle, then be grateful you’ve managed to weed him out early! Sure, the timing is weird, but reasonable adults generally understand that things like minor yet important surgery can’t always be planned around one’s future dating life. Just let him know, “Hey, in a couple of days I’m having my gallbladder removed, so I’ll be on bed rest for a while, but I’d love to go out again once I’m back on my feet.” Honestly, if you two really like each other, I think it will feel more fun and charming than anything else—for your third date, he might come by a week or two after your surgery date and bring tea and soup. Or, if that doesn’t appeal, you can stay connected over the phone or via text, and go out once you’re sufficiently recovered to visit a restaurant again.

Q. Not all in: I’m married with a child, and I’m not all in. I don’t want to move into a home I own and make it communal property. The marriage is fairly happy. We get along, and I love her, but I have my doubts to whether we’ll make it for the long-term. I have more than $100,000 in equity in the home and consider it part of my retirement plan. The home would be perfect for our family, but I don’t want to forfeit my sole ownership of the property. If we were to live there and separate, the property would be a communal asset, and she would get half. I would like her to sign a contract clarifying ownership of the property but am sure that it would be met with copious tears and as an acknowledgment that I think the marriage might not last forever. How might I proceed to move forward with the move, protect my assets, and not signify my belief that we might not be together forever?

A: If your wife were controlling or abusive or prone to extreme financial mismanagement, I could understand wanting to protect your assets before leaving, but you’re not currently contemplating divorce—you’re trying to figure out a way to hedge your bets in the middle of a marriage to a woman you’ve already had a child with. You could get a post-nup, but not every state enforces those, and you’ll of course have to deal with the possibility that your wife will be hurt and angry at the prospect.

I’m not sure what kind of contract your wife could sign, if you bought a house, that would clarify you owned it. Even if you purchase it individually and don’t put her name on the mortgage, she might still have a case for calling it community property if you two divorced, depending upon what state you lived in. I’d advise you to consult a lawyer if you want to know more about how your state might view a home purchased during your marriage. That said, I think your best bet is to identify, with your wife, what issues are causing your doubts about your marriage’s longevity and to invest in a marriage counselor right now rather than a divorce lawyer later.

Q. Dating a 30-year-old virgin: I just found out that the 30-year-old guy I’ve started seeing is still a virgin (and not by choice). This really surprised me, because he is nice and charming. Is it a red flag that none of his previous girlfriends have wanted to take him to bed?

A: No. It just means that he’s a virgin. If he hasn’t done or said anything that you consider a red flag, then you’re in the clear. Talk a lot, figure out what you both want, communicate your limits and interests and desires, and have fun!

Q. Name: I am getting married this spring. This winter I have tried very hard to integrate my 6-year-old daughter and myself into my fiancé’s family since we don’t have much of one (only my grandmother is alive on my side, and my ex is worthless). My fiancé loves my daughter and has plans to adopt her after the wedding. His parents are very accepting as well. My problem is my sister-in-law to be, who is pregnant and very self-involved. Beyond referring to her baby as the “first grandchild,” she is having a girl and chose a name very similar to my daughter’s and my own (think Eliza, Lisbeth, and Elizabeth). She wants to refer to her unborn baby by the common nickname that both I and my daughter use, and she wants us to change how we are addressed because it would be too “confusing for the baby.” I laughed it off when she first brought it up, but she has been unrelentingly insistent. It is annoying to be called by my full Christian name when I haven’t gone by that since Catholic school, but I would be OK to suck it up in the name of family harmony—but not my daughter. My fiancé and I left my daughter in the care of his parents and sister for a romantic weekend, only to get back and find my daughter in tears because she wasn’t allowed to be called by her name anymore. My future sister-in-law refused to address my daughter by her nickname, even when my daughter objected. She even told my daughter that it wasn’t her name anymore, as it belonged to the baby.

I am beyond furious. My fiancé wants to chalk it up to his sister’s hormones, but right now all I can think of are my daughter’s tears. How exactly are my in-laws going to react when their biological grandchild gets here? They just waved their hands while their daughter stole my 6-year-old’s identity! My fiancé thinks I am making a mountain out of a molehill. Am I crazy or is this out of line?

A: This is a very long letter about something very simple: “No, I’m not going to change my name, or my daughter’s name, because you want to name your child the same thing. This conversation is over.” You do not need to justify or explain your choice. The fact that your family has thrown their support behind your sister-in-law’s bizarre demand does not make them right; it merely makes them all equally deluded and manipulative. The fact that your fiancé thinks you are “making a mountain out of a molehill” for not wanting to change the name you’ve always had to humor his sister’s whim says something about how much time and energy he’s invested in giving in to her demands over the years—don’t join him.

Q. Re: Ungrateful child: Please also recognize that you’re grieving the early loss of your mom’s vigor and her ability to do and be everything you imagined (for herself, for you, for your child, et cetera). And she’s grieving the same things as well! By acknowledging this new factor, you can build a safe place for each of you to process your feelings. You may also benefit from a few counseling sessions (your campus may offer them for free), so you can gain guidance into how to more effectively channel your emotions and regain a healthier relationship with your mom.

A: That’s a great reminder of some other issues that may be at play. Take advantage of whatever resources your campus has to offer!

Mallory Ortberg: Thanks, everyone! See you next week.

If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.

Discuss this column with Dear Prudence on her Facebook page!

Here Is My Amex SPG Personal Credit Card’S Retention Offer

by takeoffwithmiles @ Takeoff With Miles

Starwood Preferred Guest (SPG) points are considered as the most valuable points in the loyalty arena due to its flexibility and the wide variety of redemption options, including special moments.   Apart from staying at Starwood hotels, the only other major source of SPG points in through the Starwood Preferred Guest Credit card from Amex ...

The post Here Is My Amex SPG Personal Credit Card’S Retention Offer appeared first on Takeoff With Miles.

Dosh Bonus Referral is Back – $10 Per Referral

by travelinpoints @ TravelinPoints

This deal is not as good as the Dosh 2017 Holiday Promo: $15 for Referring a Friend or Dosh New Year Promo: $15 for Referring a Friend but $10 per referral is still better far better than the usual $5. Remember that VoIP number is no longer accepted and prepaid cards are no go…

Earn Up to 30,000 American AAdvantage Miles for Opening up a Citibank Checking Account

Earn Up to 30,000 American AAdvantage Miles for Opening up a Citibank Checking Account

by Ralph @ Citibank Bank Account Promotion – PointsCentric

Edit: For those wondering about Citibank issuing a 1099 for the value of the miles, I thought Citibank stopped issuing them in 2013. Maybe others in the comments can verify? I’ve seen this offer come and go with some regularity but I just got an email with the latest code for this offer, so I […]

40% Transfer Bonus When You Transfer Amex MR To British Airways Executive Club

by takeoffwithmiles @ Takeoff With Miles

Until recently, We used to get 200 Avios for every 250 Membership Rewards transferred, which is effectively 0.8 Avios for every Membership Reward point. Now, Amex improved the conversion ratio to 1:1 and on top of that added a 40% transfer bonus which is valid through Sep 17, 2017.     You can now get ...

The post 40% Transfer Bonus When You Transfer Amex MR To British Airways Executive Club appeared first on Takeoff With Miles.

Equal Health Care Access May Be the Key to Lasting Peace in Colombia

Equal Health Care Access May Be the Key to Lasting Peace in Colombia

by Alieza Durana @ Slate Articles

The scope of damage brought about by the decades-spanning armed conflict in Colombia is vast—270,000 deaths, 80,000 disappearances, and 8.2 million people internally displaced between 1958 and 2017 (and those numbers only reflect those who have officially registered with the government, likely a low estimate). The conflict has stretched out over decades—gota a gota or drop by drop, only ending with the 2016 peace accord. Because Congress approved justice tribunals on Nov. 30, 2017, that will try war criminals and administer reparations to victims of the conflict, the government of Colombia has its work cut out for it in 2018: They must craft policies to make the peace accord materially happen and address the issues that sparked the conflict to begin with. But a lesser-known star of the peace process has emerged: health care policy.

Prior to the peace process, health economists worldwide had touted the success of Colombia’s 1993 health care expansion, especially as a potential model for U.S. health care reform. A 2013 study by Ivan Arroyave, Doris Cardona, Alex Burdorf, and Mauricio Avendano, for example, looked at the impact of increasing health insurance coverage on disparities in mortality to see what the U.S. could learn from health care expansion (the answer: insuring more low-income people helps reduce mortality rates). Colombians are now insured in a two-tiered system. People can purchase health insurance in the private market through payroll and employer contributions (think Affordable Care Act). Those who can’t, however, are provided with subsidized insurance (think: Medicaid expansion). Despite unrelentingly high poverty rates and inequality in the country, Colombia successfully implemented mandatory health insurance, insuring roughly 95 percent of Colombians. But until now, care has been limited in rural areas affected most by the conflict (especially the indigenous and Afro-Colombian populations) due to safety concerns and little money allocated to the public hospitals in those areas. Now that armed groups are demobilizing, it’s safe enough and necessary to provide health care to isolated areas, and health care access has been explicitly written into the peace deal.

The Colombian government seems to realize that care services do more than just provide health care—they’re a way to build civic capacity. And building civic capacity is no small feat in light of Colombia’s violent history, a history tied directly to deep economic and social inequality. In his book Evil Hour in Colombia, historian Forrest Hylton attributes the source of the conflict to an “unresolved legacy of conquest, colonialism, and slavery” that resulted in modern hyperconcentrated wealth, particularly in the form of resource-rich land. Those left out of this system, and criminalized for protest, dissent, and poverty (in this cold-war era, that often included nonviolent leftist protesters such as professors, journalists, and students), gave rise to armed movements that, in turn, were often sustained by profits from drug trafficking. The simultaneous absence of a strong central government and the concentration of  power among local authorities allowed paramilitary, leftist, and drug-trafficking groups to flourish. “In practice, we have two Colombias—some don’t want to know, others are ignorant of the magnitude of the armed conflict,” says Camilo Sánchez Meertens, liason of post-conflict health policy at the Office of the High Commissioner for Peace.

In a country twice the size of Texas and home to three mountain ranges rivaling the Alps, unraveling historical inequality, complex geography, political divides, and a lack of rule of law, universal health care access is ambitious. Nonetheless, the current government sees health care as vital to the peace process and health crises as potential political crises, which they discussed at a workshop on the peace process hosted by the Hertie School of Governance and the German Academic Exchange Service in November 2017. At the workshop, the commissioner for peace argued, “We need to change mindsets so that we’re no longer used to dealing with issues through military means: public education, health care, reconciliation. The challenge is to include community in rebuilding democracy.” The provision of health care is a visible first step in trust-building with local communities and ex-combatants. Already, the government has made a deliberate decision to deploy doctors from local public hospitals to 26 encampment zones to guarantee the cease-fire, disarmament, and re-entry processes, and to build local capacity.

And, as within Colombia’s broader public health system, subsidized health resources are being made deliberately available for all (including unemployed and homeless populations) in order to bridge political divides and create equality among combatants and the rural, indigenous, and Afro-Colombian populations most affected by the conflict. According to Sánchez Meertens, early in 2017, ex-combatants were the ones accessing the majority of health care benefits. But almost a year later, combatants and rural communities affected by the conflict are accessing them equally, meaning the government’s outreach efforts have been successful already.

In the future, Colombia still must bridge urban-rural health care divides. This will be especially important in addressing maternal health in remote areas (not an idea unfamiliar to the about 2.4 million women in the U.S. without a country obstetrics unit) as fertility rates among ex-combatant and rural populations increase now that the fighting has stopped. They also have to resolve inequality within the health care system: differences in benefits between the private and subsidized markets, the quality of the hospitals within your insurance system, and wait times for doctors.

But according to Philipp Hassel, a demographer and associate professor at the University of the Andes, addressing war injuries, jungle diseases, and pregnancy are just the beginning of what the government faces. The 2015 National Survey of Mental Health and Census of FARC-EP indicate that about 10.87 percent of the Colombian population deal with mental health issues—mainly post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, and anxiety. According to Hessel, the preliminary analysis of data not yet available to the public shows that the number of mental health issues are as high as one-third of victims of the conflict and ex-combatants. And these are all reactions to the conflict, not social determinants of health and the conflict itself. Even more difficult than deploying doctors to remote jungle areas is how to address the poverty and inequality creating health care issues as well as issues stemming from the advancing economy as a whole—cardiovascular disease, diabetes, and hypertension in a rapidly aging population. Ensuring that all Colombians, even those in the most rural areas, have access to this basic treatment is key to ensuring that Colombia functions as an actual democracy.

According to Maria Emma Wills Obregón, adviser to the chair of the National Center for Historical Memory, “Democracy is built on citizenship, which is based on principles of equality, liberty, and solidarity. After 50 years of war, solidarity has eroded and has been replaced by a drive to survive, even at the cost of others. So we need to rebuild solidarity and question indifference.” And with surely contentious discussions of land reform and redistribution yet to come, health care may be the way to start that broader conversation around national unity.

The Best Gifts for Beauty Obsessives

The Best Gifts for Beauty Obsessives

by Katy Schneider @ Slate Articles

This article originally appeared on the Strategist.

Finding the perfect holiday gift can be maddening (is this the color they’d want? Is it something they already have? Is it so last year?), but really, once you have a sense of a person’s taste, it’s not impossible. This season, we’ll be talking to members of various tribes to find out exactly what to get that college student, or serious home cook, or Star Wars fanatic in your life. Think of it as a window into their brain trust—or, at least, a very helpful starting point. Today, 10 beauty obsessives on the gifts they want for the holidays.

“I’ll definitely be asking for the Drunk Elephant Vitamin C serum for Christmas (I can thank my sister for that). I swear by this serum—it helps so much with brightening and elasticity, but it’s a splurge.” —Harley Viera-Newton, designer (and Rio’s sister)

Drunk Elephant C-Firma Day Serum
$80, Amazon

“I would also love the Elizabeth Arden Eight Hour Cream—I use it on everything. It’s incredible for helping out with dryness on your face, body, and lips throughout winter.” —Viera-Newton

Elizabeth Arden Eight Hour Skin Protectant Cream
$22, Amazon

“This is crazy, and something I’d never splurge on for myself, but I’d love another NuFace—this microcurrent facial-toning device that tightens your skin—so I can use it more consistently when I’m not at home.” —Lili Chemla, clothing designer

NuFace Trinity Facial Toning Kit
$260, Amazon

“I want the Pat McGrath Mothership II: Sublime palette because it’s the most luxe eye palette I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen them all. Normally with palettes, I only ever like a few shades and the rest sit there, unused for eternity. But this one has ten full shades that I actually want to use, both on their own and together. The packaging is insane, and while I’ve KonMari’d my entire life, this is one of those things that I just want to keep around as an object on display.” —Alexis Page, creative beauty consultant

Pat McGrath Mothership II: Sublime Palette
$215, Amazon

“Ever since Kim K ’grammed herself post–vampire facial, I’ve dreamed of sucking my own blood to reach Edward Cullen levels of youthfulness. I imagine the Dr. Barbara Sturm blood cream is like a daily visit to the fountain of youth.” —Cassie Coane, creative director

Dr. Barbara Sturm Face Cream
$249, Amazon

“Clearly, I’m obsessed with physically hurting myself to look better, as I’ve been obsessing over these Natura Bissé micro-needling patches. In my head, and most likely not in reality, they are a Velcro strip that will somehow fix my ‘laugh lines’ much better than the Dermaroller I use at home.” —Coane

Natura Bissé Inhibit High Definition Intensive Line Minimizing Patches
$440, Amazon

“I’m getting old, but I’m not old enough to afford nice eye cream, so I’d love to get this given to me as a present. A quartz roller is essentially a more luxurious version of the ice roller, which I swear by. It helps with redness and wrinkle reduction.” —Bo Hesslegrave, graphic designer

Natural Rose Quartz Double Roller
$45, Amazon

“I read in an interview once that actress Michelle Yeoh face masks every single day. For the holidays, I want sheet masks to the infinitum (the limit should not exist). I’ll take a re-up of my favorite ones from Korean brand Sulwhasoo, the highest-end line in the Amore Pacific beauty conglomerate, like La Mer to Estée Lauder. These sheet masks are made of such impossibly thin plant pulp that I don’t know how they don’t tear during manufacturing. The thinness really allows the masks’ fermented white ginseng (aged for two weeks!) to really sink into your skin and make you look like a dewy baby. These are fighting words, but I swear they’re better than the SK-II ones. A less expensive option are the Lancôme Génifique masks, which was a discontinued product that I swear was brought back due to beauty editor and MakeupAlley demand. The least expensive option would be any Peach & Lily mask.” —Kathleen Hou, Cut beauty director

Sulwhasoo First Care Activating Mask, 5 Sheets
$85, Amazon

Lancôme Advanced Génifique Collection
$112, Ulta

Peach & Lily Sheet Mask Set
$15, Barney’s New York

“I am obsessed with the idea of this mask since my two most trusted beauty confidantes—my sister and Rio—swear by it. I know it’ll change my life, I just can’t get myself to buy four masks for $200, so I would love it if someone else would.” —Alison Chemla, jewelry designer

Hanacure Multi-Action Treatment Mask Set
$200, Amazon

“I miss this cream every day of my life. I splurged on it last year (around Christmas time) and it was heaven. It’s a tiny container of gold-leafed, heavenly smelling perfection. My face had no idea it was even winter because my skin was smooth, hydrated, and brightened in a way it normally isn’t during the cold months. But it’s close to $400, so … Santa, please.” —Chemla

MBR Cream Extraordinary
$369, Rescue Spa

“The Dior rose lip balm, because it’s fucking amazing, and makes your lips look supple and soft. Diorshow mascara because it’s the best mascara out there, hands down. Diorskin nude air luminizer because all four shades are amazing, and it’s buildable, so great for day or night.” —Jessica Leigh, stylist

Dior Crème de Rose Smoothing Plumping Lip Balm
$80, Amazon

“I absolutely love all products from Santa Maria Novella, and I would love a skin-care treatment at Tata Harper’s new spa room at Bristol in Paris.” —Lili Barbery-Coulon, beauty blogger

Santa Maria Novella Exfoliating Water, 50ml
$55, Net-a-Porter

“The new Frédéric Malle fragrance called Promise, created by Dominique Ropion, the same perfumer as my favorite Malle scent, Portrait of a Lady. While I haven’t smelled it yet, I am intrigued by the combination of two varieties of roses, mixed with pink pepper, clove, and patchouli. I feel certain as a lover of POL that this fragrance will most certainly become a favorite.” —Troy Surratt, makeup artist

Frédéric Malle Promise Eau De Parfum 100ml
$392, Amazon

This article is published through a partnership with New York magazine’s the Strategist and Select All. The partnership is designed to surface the most useful, expert recommendations for things to buy across the vast e-commerce landscape. We update links when possible, but note that deals can expire and all prices are subject to change. Every editorial product is independently selected by New York magazine. If you buy something through our links, Slate and New York magazine may earn an affiliate commission.

Alaska Flash Sale: West Coast to Texas and Midwest From 10,000 Miles Round-Trip

Alaska Flash Sale: West Coast to Texas and Midwest From 10,000 Miles Round-Trip

by Katherine Fan @ The Points Guy

Just after Delta’s flash sale, Alaska launched its own sale fares for award flights this afternoon. Travelers based in Texas or on the West Coast will benefit the most from these deals, which begin at 10,000 Mileage Plan miles and $12 round-trip. In order to take advantage of these flash sale rates, you must purchase your …

Citi ThankYou Points: Rewards Review

Citi ThankYou Points: Rewards Review


CreditDonkey

Learn what is ThankYou Points and how much a point is worth. Read this review to find the best ways to earn points fast and how to redeem for best value (including the top Citi transfer partners).

The 10 Best Vanguard Funds

by Jim Wang @ Wallet Hacks

I love Vanguard. The bulk of my investments are there, minus a few dividend growth stocks I hold in an Ally Invest account (formerly TradeKing). I'm not the only one. Of the top 25 largest mutual funds by assets, sixteen are from Vanguard (source). A clarification – many of the funds on the Marketwatch list […]

The post The 10 Best Vanguard Funds appeared first on Wallet Hacks.

Bank Of The West Review: $150 Checking Account Bonus

by Tony Phan @ MoneysMyLife

Get the latest Bank of the West bonuses and promotions here. There are branches in the following states: AZ, CA, CO, IA, ID, KS, MN, MO, ND, NE, NM, NV, OK, OR, SD, UT, WA, WI, WY. Typical promotions for Checking accounts have been for $150, $200 and $300. They also oftentimes have promotions for their investment services […]

The Best Gifts for a Star Wars Superfan

The Best Gifts for a Star Wars Superfan

by Leah Bhabha @ Slate Articles

This article originally appeared on the Strategist.

Finding the perfect holiday gift can be maddening—is this the color they’d want? Is it something they already have? Is it so last year?—but really, once you have a sense of a person’s taste, it’s not impossible. This season, we’ll be talking to members of various tribes to find out exactly what to get that serious cook, or golf dad, or picky tween in your life. Think of it as a window into their brain trust—or at least a very helpful starting point. Today, 12 Star Wars superfans on the gifts (from toys, to T-shirts, to action figures, to waffle makers) they want for the holidays.


“I enjoy a good whiskey, especially with cool ice-cube molds, so I would definitely want this ice-cube tray. Denying the Death Star floating in and keeping my whiskey cold would just be rude.” —Jackson Duncan, “I have a degree in culture and media studies, an excuse for and necessitating a knowledge of Star Wars and other ‘nerd’ phenomena.”

Star Wars Death Star Silicone Ice Molds, 2 Pack
$8, Amazon


“I like the old-school Empire aesthetic and imagine they had good house china in those battleships. It would fit right in in my New York City apartment—like the Titanic house china in first class, but with a mod edge.” —Schuyler Vreeland, “banker by day, Star Wars enthusiast also by day.”

Star Wars Death Star Serving Platter
$22, Amazon


Star Wars fans are busy people. Not only do we have to balance work or school and friends and family, we also have to spend an inordinate amount of time on the internet dissecting every frame of the new film’s trailer and reading every possible theory about Rey’s parentage. So as we hustle off to work in the morning after a late night bingeing episodes of Rebels, clutching our R2-D2 thermoses and slinging our Boba Fett backpacks over our shoulders, there is often a need for sunglasses to mask our bleary eyes. I covet the Darth Vader sunglasses gift set from BoxLunch, which includes not only a slick pair of shades styled to mimic the helmet eyeholes of everybody’s favorite Sith lord, but also a sweet branded, hard-shell case and vivid Vader-print bag.” —Jen Markham, “member of both the 501st Legion Empire City Garrison and the Rebel Legion Echo Base.”

Star Wars Boba Fett Sunglasses Gift Set
$8, Amazon



“Something new this year, for Episode VIII, is the new species of Porg characters. The internet seems to have given its seal of approval for this cute new character. It’s your cozy new friend all winter.” —Paul Crewdson, “skipped school senior year with friends to buy tickets for the new Episode I film, then engaged in a parking-lot lightsaber battle.”

Star Wars Porgs Plush
$25, Amazon


“I would wear this when my daughter wears her Daddy’s Little Princess Star Wars onesie.” —Neyah White, “bartender, and at the risk of sounding like a complete jerk, a ‘real Star Wars fan.’ ”

I Am Your Father Shirt
$20, Red Bubble


“Close to slipping over to the dark side of merchandising, but not quite.” —Neyah White

Star Wars R2-D2 Coffee Press
$40, Amazon



“No Star Wars collection would be complete without an adorable Funko Pop! of your favorite character. I love them. My personal favorite is, of course, the great Ahsoka Tano, Anakin’s badass but lovable Padawan featured both in the canon TV series Clone Wars and (spoiler) others…” —Christian Karayannides, “attended the New York Philharmonic’s Star Wars Film Concert Series.”

Funko Pop! Star Wars Ahsoka Rebels
$23, Amazon



“I resent being told that I should ‘act like an adult’ all the time, so when I do have to do something very grown-up, like taking an investor meeting or doing a book signing, I find subtler ways to represent my fandoms. This blazer not only would do the trick, it would also go very well with my Darth Vader purse.” —Allison Robicelli, “chef, bon vivant, and Star Wars obsessive.”

Star Wars Symbols Ladies’ Blazer
$60, Think Geek


“Whether for Christmas Eve, or something very cool to do on Christmas morning through New Year’s, it would be an awesome family project.” —Caroline Choe, “longtime Star Wars enthusiast.”

LEGO Star Wars First Order Star Destroyer 75190
$160, Amazon


“I spent a lot of time feeding my children with the classic airplane-and-hangar strategy. I remember being jealous no one did that for me as an adult. This waffle iron would allow me to elevate the airplane-hangar game as I handle the waffle in mock flight and then devour it, playing the role of a space slug inhabiting an asteroid. Breakfast can be fun again.” —Stephen Hayford, “I create Star Wars diorama images—I turned a childhood of playing with Star Wars toys into an adult career playing with Star Wars toys.”

Disney Star Wars Round Millennium Falcon Waffle Maker
$40, Amazon



“Who didn’t imagine how cozy Luke must have been, nestled inside his trusted steed while Han built a shelter? I want this, despite it not including warm cushy innards, just so I can crawl inside and say, ‘And I thought they smelled bad on the outside.’” —Stephen Hayford

Star Wars Tauntaun Sleeping Bag
$199, Amazon



“What makes this item special is that it simulates some of what you expect from really interacting with this beloved droid. Several details about this item put it over the top in that regard compared to standard RC toys: It’s 18 inches tall, so while not ‘full scale,’ it is hefty enough to really seem like a small droid, not just a ‘toy,’ while still compact enough to play with. The ‘Follow mode’ does just what it says, and suddenly you have the same reliable companion Rey had at her side. It’s like a droid puppy. Finally, the voice command with preprogrammed movement, light, and sound responses give you an interactive experience, as opposed to manually driving its movements via remote control.” —Mike Zhang, “Rogue Alliance NYC member.”

Star Wars Hero Droid BB-8
$190, Amazon



“I’ve fallen in love with the BB-8 high-top sneaker from Po-Zu. I had seen these pop up from time to time online, but I was able to see them in person at New York Comic Con, and it was love at first sight. I’m a member of the 501st Legion, so I tend to prefer Imperial, First Order, and dark-side merchandise, but who doesn’t love an adorable ball droid!? They are as beautiful in person as they are in the images—lightweight, bright colors with incredibly comfortable insoles. Po-Zu has many Star Wars styles to choose from, even screen accurate Rey boots and fun Wookiee shoes. The BB-8 ones stole my heart, though, and had to be at the top of my wish list.” —Alaric Hahn, “member of the 501st and Rebel Legion.”

BB-8 High-Tops
$118, Po-Zu

Bonus Gift Idea



“I am a Star Wars and science-fiction and fantasy fan, and also a big popcorn fan—we make it in my house a lot. I don’t like microwave popcorn, though. I prefer air-popped kernels. At Christmas, we were playing this game called the Minnesota Dice Game, although I think everyone just claims it’s their state’s dice game. Everyone brings a bunch of gifts and you throw them in the middle, and if you roll doubles, you get to choose a gift, but then in subsequent rounds you can steal—it’s a bit like a white elephant. Anyway, last year, I snatched this popcorn maker after fierce competition, and I love it because it’s the shape of a Death Star and makes air-popped popcorn.” —Unlikely Star Wars fan Gail Simmons.

Star Wars Rogue One Death Star Popcorn Maker – Hot Air Style with Removable Bowl
$50, Amazon

This article is published through a partnership with New York magazine’s the Strategist and Select All. The partnership is designed to surface the most useful, expert recommendations for things to buy across the vast e-commerce landscape. We update links when possible, but note that deals can expire and all prices are subject to change. Every editorial product is independently selected by New York magazine. If you buy something through our links, Slate and New York magazine may earn an affiliate commission.

2017 IPO Prospects: Spotify To Go Public Soon

by Money Home @ Money Home

Summary Spotify revenue for fiscal 2016 grew by an impressive 52% to 2.93 billion euros ($3.5 billion) with paid subscriptions accounting for 90% of the revenue. However, profitability remains a concern, thanks to increasing licensing and operation costs. Losses in 2016 grew 200% or doubled to 557 million euros ($660 million). To avoid the heartache […]

Flying With a Cartoon Penguin, on EVA Air’s Badtz-Maru Airbus A330

Flying With a Cartoon Penguin, on EVA Air’s Badtz-Maru Airbus A330

by J. Keith van Straaten @ The Points Guy

EVA Air's cartoon-themed aircraft offers one of the world's most unique passenger experiences. Pros: Outstanding service and an absolutely unique themed aircraft. Cons: No choice of food in Economy, sub-par lounge options in Fukuoka.

PenFed Power Cash Rewards Visa Card: 2% Cash Back With Military Service or Checking Account

by Jonathan Ping @ My Money Blog

Pentagon Federal Credit Union (PenFed), the 3rd largest US credit union by assets, launched the PenFed Power Cash Rewards Visa Card in 2017. This credit card offers up to 2% flat cash back with no earning caps and no annual fee. Here are the highlights: Sign-up bonus: $100 statement credit when you spend $1,500 in […]

Banks Will Pay You Up to $400 Just for Opening a Checking Account

Banks Will Pay You Up to $400 Just for Opening a Checking Account


MONEY.com

But you'll have to jump though a lot of hoops to get the cash.

Net Neutered

Net Neutered

by Mallory Ortberg @ Slate Articles

Mallory Ortberg, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com.)

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Q. No Facebook allowed: We have a vacation place in a popular tourist area. It’s pretty rural, there’s no cell coverage, and we had to go through a lot of engineering and effort to get ourselves workable internet service. My wife and I are both pretty strongly averse to social media. We’ve therefore blocked all the major social media services at our homes. We often invite friends to come stay with us—and we give a heads-up that there’s no Facebook et al. available.

Some guests have seemed put out by this. Is it so unreasonable? We believe that social media is monetized narcissism, that it distracts us, invades our privacy (we don’t want our property to be free content for these companies), and interferes with having quality time with our guests—that would be our answer if someone were to ask why we block the services, but we don’t volunteer the reasoning. I feel like they wouldn’t be likewise affronted by foregoing meat as guests at a vegetarian house. Is this so different?

A: I don’t know how similar not being able to access social media sites are to eating meat-free meals, but I don’t think you need to come up with direct analogies to vegetarianism in order to justify your choices. You and your wife have decided not to make that aspect of the internet available in your home, and as long as you let your guests know in advance, you’ve discharged your duties as polite hosts. If your guests want full Internet access, then they are welcome to pay for a hotel in your “popular tourist area.”

Q. Baby blunder: When my husband and I found out I was pregnant with our first child and were ready to tell our respective parents, we didn’t put much thought into whose parents we’d break the news to first. We happened to be at my in-laws’ house on Christmas Eve so we told them that night, and of course they were overjoyed. The next day, we expected the same reaction from my parents. Instead, the first words my Mom uttered—captured on video, no less—were, “You told [my in-laws] first, didn’t you?”, with a scathing look on her face. When I said “yes,” she was devastated and didn’t speak to me for two days. On the third day, I got a very tearful phone call saying how badly I’d hurt her, and that since my in-laws already had grandkids the news wasn’t as special to them. She said we should have told them first because I’m their daughter, and that “one day I’d understand.”

Were my husband and I in the wrong? Her reaction completely spoiled what should have been a joyous occasion, and I’ve had a hard time not being resentful toward her.

A: I want to try to be as generous as possible to your parents, but I don’t think that’s going to take me very far. You mother’s attempt to rank “how special” having a grandchild is to each future grandparent, according to her own particular algorithm, makes it seem like she’s going out of her way to get her feelings hurt.

If she wants to get hung up on the fact that her in-laws found out a full 24 hours before she did, rather than on the fact that you and your husband are going to be having a child—then that’s her choice. I personally think it’s a bad one! But it’s certainly not one you need to apologize or take responsibility for.

Q. Friends with exes: I am dating “Simone,” and we are on the verge of getting serious. She is pretty, funny, and the complete package, except for one thing. She doesn’t think people can be friends with their exes.

I can understand her perspective, because she got pretty badly burned by past boyfriends who cheated on her with their ex-wives or girlfriends. I have been lucky that all my relationships except one ended on good notes. Either we broke up over different life choices (wanting kids) or careers (moving for work). I actually ended up playing matchmaker for a few. Simone freezes up with my friends after finding out I dated this one or slept with that one in college. We have told each other about our serious past relationships, but recently she has been needling me about being a “player,” and dropping plans with my friends if one of my known exes is there. She says she trusts me and I have reassured her over and over.

One of my serious exes will be staying with me for a few weeks while she house hunts. She is married to my one of my best friends and they are moving back from out of state. I will not actually see much of her beyond picking her up at the airport. I will being seeing them socially when they move here. How do I prepare Simone? I want to be a good boyfriend here.

A: It sounds like Simone’s biggest reactions have arisen when she’s met a friend of yours whom you’ve later revealed to be an ex. The problem isn’t just that you’ve stayed friends with a lot of people you’ve dated or slept with, the problem is that you don’t share that information with Simone upfront. This is a pattern you’re about to repeat, inasmuch as you’ve made plans to let one of your exes crash with you for “a few weeks” but don’t seem to have shared that news with your current girlfriend yet. Which, by the way, I think is absolutely fine, but you do need to share this information with Simone before your houseguest arrives. I don’t think you have to do much in the way of “preparing” her other than being honest; if Simone wants to get serious with you, she’s going to have to accept that you’re close with some of your exes, but that you’re not trying to cheat on her with any of them. If she can’t accept that, it’s probably better to know sooner rather than later.

Q. I grew up weird: We were brought up in a very religious, weird family setting. My grandfather was a very loving mentally ill man who nobody questioned. He believed he was a prophet and all blindly followed. We had an “independent” church in the basement of our deep country land.

My mother made our lives worth it with her love and kindness, but to this day I still resent her for putting us through so much pain and confusion. I love her and I know she was a victim too, but where do I draw the line? I see a psychiatrist and therapist just to function. She didn’t harm us, but she was an adult and did nothing to protect us. How can I forgive her when she doesn’t believe anything went wrong?

A: You do not have to forgive your mother for your childhood. I know that there’s a lot of value placed on forgiveness in religious settings, as well as in a secular therapeutic context, but all too often what that means is that someone who was victimized or harmed in a profound way is encouraged to paper over their pain, offer unearned absolution, and perform happiness. You can love your mother, accept her flaws and limitations, acknowledge the ways in which she failed you, experience periodic anger and resentment, all while remaining in her life and seeing her as a complex, multifaceted person. Your only “job” with regards to your own childhood is to attempt to view it as accurately and as honestly as possible, and to take care of yourself in the present. You do not have to forgive your mother, nor do you have to pretend that your childhood was fine just because she does.

Continue to see your therapist and psychiatrist. Set whatever boundaries you need to with your mother. If that means not talking about your childhood with her right now, then that’s fine. If that means having a painful conversation with her about your childhood at some point and having a fight, then that’s fine too. The point is that you don’t have to forgive your mother in order to love her, so please don’t feel like it’s your job to get to a place of forgiveness unless and until you decide it’s something you’re ready for.

Q. Day care: I telecommute most days because of medical issues. Over the Christmas break, two of my long-term friends and co-workers had emergency childcare issues (a spouse left for family medical issues, and the daycare burned down).  It would have seriously damaged all of our work, so I offered to watch their girls (12, 10, and 9), who aren’t old enough to be left by themselves but mature enough not to be a bother. We packed down into my basement where they watched TV and read books. I would periodically check on them but I never had any problems. Their mothers packed their lunches and snacks.

My husband mentioned the arrangement to his sister, and she flat out told everyone she expects me to do the same for her boys! Besides them being younger, my nephews are loud, active, and have severe behavior problems. There is no way they can be trusted to be left alone for any period of time.  My sister-in-law does not take no for an answer and runs right over everyone else in the family. This will cause a fight. My husband’s idea is just not to take the girls, but that screws me over with my work! How do I get out of this?

A: You and your husband are going to have to give your sister-in-law “no for an answer,” I’m afraid. I don’t know how much longer you plan on providing emergency daycare for your friends, but the fact that you’re willing to look after three children temporarily in order to keep your workplace afloat doesn’t mean you’re suddenly on the market as a full-time babysitter for any and every relative in need of childcare. You say this will cause a fight, but it’s a fight you’ve got to have; your sister-in-law can and will take no for an answer if you and your husband refuse to give in to her. “No, that doesn’t work for us,” is going to be your constant companion. Not “I’m sorry, but…”, and not “The reason that doesn’t work is…” Just “No, that doesn’t work for us.” You don’t have to “get out of” anything because you haven’t promised your sister-in-law anything, and she’s not entitled to anything from you just because she has unrealistic expectations.

Q. How to put this delicately: My brother—the baby, the favorite, the only boy, et cetera— is getting married. My mother is insistent on looking “drop-dead gorgeous” on his wedding day, and she sends me nightly links to very inappropriate (both in style and for her age) dresses she’s considering buying for this event. I very nicely and politically rule them out for largely made-up reasons, but I’m hoping you can help me come up with a sentence or two to delicately communicate why 1) dressing this way is inappropriate, and 2) you should not be attempting to outshine the bride (I’ve literally had to nix several ivory dresses).

And now for some context! Her other children are married and she dressed tastefully for those weddings, and she only moderately gets along with my brother’s wealthy in-laws-to-be. I realize this shouldn’t be my problem, but here we are.

A: “Hey Mom, you should run these outfits past [Brother and wife-to-be]. Anything that’s not white or too bridal-looking should be fine, but it’s not my wedding, so you should check in with them instead of me. Good luck finding something!”

Q. I dropped off the face of the earth while dealing with an untreated mental illness: As a teenager, I lived briefly with a set of foster parents and their two daughters. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was suffering from undiagnosed PTSD stemming from the situation that led to my living with a foster family. Once I turned 18 and felt I had exhausted my welcome, I moved out on my own. As my mental health collapsed, and I found myself less and less able to maintain relationships, I withdrew from almost everyone. Nobody reached out to me during that time, including my former foster family. Several years later, I learned that the younger of the two daughters apparently hates me for “abandoning” her. I’m not sure what explanation she was offered by the family for my disappearance, but I gather it didn’t paint me in a very positive light. I’ve sent her a couple of messages, but after she ignored the first few, I took that as a cue that she no longer wanted to have any contact with me and stopped.

Is there anything else I can or should do to make amends with this young woman? I feel terrible about the whole situation.

A: While it sounds like your former foster-sister was probably a child during the time of your disappearance and can’t necessarily be expected to have had a fully rational view of reality, I don’t think you should be too hard on your past self. You were a teenager dealing with untreated PTSD and a deeply painful upbringing. You may wish you had handled things differently, but you were doing your best at the time with the tools that you had. I only wish your former foster-family could extend a little more compassion toward you. If she doesn’t respond to your messages, then you certainly can’t force her, but please don’t feel like you have to wear a hairshirt in order to get her attention.

Q. Grimy in-laws: My partner’s parents are lovely, kind, and giving people. They spend much of their time providing for others, especially caring for their nearby grandparents. They spend decidedly less time taking care of their home. Their house is covered in a layer of dust. There are cobwebs in every corner. Their kitchen has layers and layers of oil and food spills. Their floors are littered with debris. Worst of all, their bathroom is covered in black mold! My partner’s mother has a lot of health problems, some of which keep her from keeping up with chores, and some that I believe are exacerbated by the state of the house. I believe their home has been in this state since my partner was a child, but it’s certainly gotten worse given recent health episodes.

I want to help them fix their house, either by offering my time on weekends to clean or offering to pay for a house cleaning service to stop by a few times a month. However, I’m afraid that if I offer to do this I will offend them! I did a little extra cleaning when I spent the holidays with them, and they seemed a little off-put by my insistence on vacuuming the house. We have a great relationship right now, and I don’t want to tarnish it by giving them the impression that I find them dirty. My partner doesn’t want to take the reins here and I certainly don’t want to seem like a persnickety daughter-in-law. I know this problem will only get worse as they age and more health issues emerge. I’m seriously worried that they’re destroying their home and will lose it due to lack of upkeep.

How can I broach the subject without offending them? Or should I just mind my own business and let her children take the lead? Thank you for your help!

A: A bathroom that’s covered in black mold is several steps beyond being “persnickety.” While black mold may not be immediately dangerous, it can certainly exacerbate respiratory issues or lead to possible infection in children or people with compromised immune systems. Talk to your partner about the best way to broach the subject with your in-laws. If your mother-in-law has health problems and they’re both struggling to maintain their multiple obligations to their own parents, then it’s likely there is a way you can frame offering to pay for a cleaning service as a gift and a relief. That’s not to say you two should feel responsible for making sure your in-laws keep their house’s initial value—that day may already be long past.

Be sure, too, that when and if you hire a cleaning service, that you inform them ahead of time about the mold issue and make sure they’ve got the right equipment to deal with it, so that you’re not putting their health at risk either.

Q. Re: Baby blunder: You didn’t do anything wrong. Your mom’s reaction is manipulative and selfish. I don’t know if this is part of her personality, but it makes me wonder what type grandmother she’ll be. If you give in to your mom’s childish behavior, I predict future tantrums about spending time with her grandchild. “The subject is closed. Do you want to talk about something else, or should I hang up now?”

Q. Re: Baby blunder: So sorry you feel that way, mom. We happened to be at my in-laws’ house and we told them. That’s all. You’re still my mom, and I’m counting on your help when the baby comes, and I really hope you’re not going to bean-count every moment with the new baby, or I will be absolutely miserable. Love you!

A: These are both fabulous scripts that offer your mother an opportunity to focus on the (many!) joyful aspects of becoming a first-time grandmother. I hope she takes that opportunity, but if she doesn’t, I think it’s good advice to not try to soothe her tantrums.

Mallory Ortberg: Thanks, everyone! See you back here next week at our normal time on Monday.

Discuss this column with Dear Prudence on her Facebook page!
If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.

Debitize: Will Making Your Credit Card Feel Like Debit Help You Budget? ($10 Bonus)

by Jonathan Ping @ My Money Blog

In our increasingly cashless world, I prefer to use credit cards over debit cards for a few reasons: Credit cards usually have better cash back, points, or rewards programs. Credit cards have additional features like free checked bags, extended warranties, and price drop protection. Credit cards have more consumer protections explicitly required by federal law. […]

The Best Space Heaters

The Best Space Heaters

by Maxine Builder @ Slate Articles

This article originally appeared on the Strategist.

To find the very best products that no human being would have the time to try, look to the best-reviewed (that’s four-to-five-star ratings and lots of ’em) products and choose the most convincing. You’ll find the best crowdsourced ideas whether you’re searching for comforters, bed sheets, or even Christmas trees. Below, the best space heaters determined by the hard-nosed reviewers on Amazon. (Note that reviews have been edited for length and clarity.)

The Best Electric Space Heater, Overall

4 stars, 13,149 reviews
“I love this little heater. I have had it for almost two years now (I was impressed to see how long I have had it, using it every workday with no issues) to keep me warm in my freezing office, and it is a lifesaver. It does a great job warming up my cubicle, and my co-workers are always surprised at the temperature difference at my desk when I have it on. Some even come over to warm up on extra-cold days. It is very quiet, too—you can only hear some light airflow, no more noisy than an office printer, and I barely notice it. When I do, it just sounds like white noise. Ten out of 10 recommend!”

Lasko 754200 Ceramic Heater With Adjustable Thermostat
$19, Amazon

The Best Personal Electric Space Heater

4.1 stars, 5,017 reviews
“Wow, this thing puts off a LOT of heat, for such a small heater! I was expecting some mild heat, but no, in only 30 seconds or so, this little guy really got toasty! I use it to keep my hands warm while using a keyboard or mouse, and I had to move it further away because it was making my hands too hot! Another thing I found neat is the fact that the sides of the heater don’t get hot. The sides, top, and bottom all stay perfectly cool, so you don’t have to worry about burning yourself if you want to pick it up or move it.

Forget heated keyboards or fingerless gloves, if you want to keep your hands warm while using a computer, get yourself one of these! VERY effective heating solution for a small price!”

Lasko #100 MyHeat Personal Ceramic Heater
$20, Amazon

The Best Design-Friendly Ceramic Space Heater for Small Spaces

4.2 stars, 325 reviews
“I love this little heater! Firstly, it’s pretty adorable, and secondly, it heats up a room super quickly. I don’t find it to be overly loud, but if you’re comparing it to a radiant unit, there’s no contest. (Think fan, not hair-dryer volume.) I would add a thermostat to have it turn off at a particular temp, but not having one is normal on a heater in this price range. The mechanism to turn it off when tipped is super sensitive, in a good way—I won’t ever worry about a pet or someone’s kid knocking it over and burning everything I own. No hellfire equals five stars!”

Honeywell HCE200B Uberheat Ceramic Heater
$37, Amazon

The Best Ceramic Tower Space Heater

4 stars, 13,149 reviews
“This tower heater has a small footprint but packs a lot of heat. When you turn it on, there is an almost instantaneous burst of hot air. I have found the thermostat settings to be quite accurate. The room it is used in is 12 feet by 10 feet. It will warm this room from 63 degrees Fahrenheit to 70 degrees Fahrenheit in less than 20 minutes. The oscillating feature spreads the hot air around the room efficiently and quickly. The sound it produces is quite tolerable, barely noticeable when watching TV.”

Lasko 751320 Ceramic Tower Heater With Remote Control
$47, Amazon

The Best Space Heater for Large Rooms

4 stars, 13,149 reviews
“LOVE it … so much I’m considering getting a second one. It looks good, kind of retro like an old radio or receiver. It has temp control, so you only run it as hot as you wish. It produces enough heat to significantly warm up a room or area. It’s lightweight, so it is easy to move from place to place, and it has casters, so it can even just be rolled around. The small, rectangular size makes it easier to avoid having things too close to it, too.

Works perfectly, I couldn’t be happier, and it seems much safer than some of the older space heaters where you can really burn yourself by picking it up. This one has a nice power-off button and mode settings, so you can set it at, like, 70 degrees Fahrenheit and it will turn off when that temperature is reached. Perfect. Easy to shut off when you leave, too, because it shuts off immediately and begins cooling down, unlike older ones that stay hot for a while after, leaving you worried about fires.”

Dr. Infrared Heater Portable Space Heater, 1500-Watt
$103, Amazon

The Best Oil Space Heater

4 stars, 13,149 reviews
“The bathroom in the house we moved to doesn’t have heat (makes sense in New England, right?). It does have one of those ceramic vanity heaters, but it doesn’t work, and it can get quite cold in that room. I settled on an oil-filled heater because they do not get superhot, so children and pets or you won’t get burned if they come in contact with it, which was an important consideration since we have cats. I also liked the fact that they run silent, this one has automatic shutoff in case it overheats or gets tipped over.

We generally keep it near the tiled corner of the bathroom far away from water and unplugged when not in use. Break-in period was a couple hours, as instructed, and after about three hours, the smell was completely gone. We use it a lot in the winters. It makes that cold bathroom feel nice and toasty within 30 minutes. Sometimes it gets left on for hours while we’re around, and I don’t have to worry about it, although it’s never left on at night or unsupervised. We liked it so much we just bought another as a gift for a relative.”

DeLonghi EW7707CB Safe Heat 1500W ComforTemp Portable Oil-Filled Radiator
$71, Amazon

This article is published through a partnership with New York magazine’s the Strategist and Select All. The partnership is designed to surface the most useful, expert recommendations for things to buy across the vast e-commerce landscape. We update links when possible, but note that deals can expire and all prices are subject to change. Every editorial product is independently selected by New York magazine. If you buy something through our links, Slate and New York magazine may earn an affiliate commission.

USAirways Jumps The Shark; Charges Booking Fee For USAirways.com Tickets!!!

by Dan @ Banking – DansDeals.com

This is just too much! It was not a long time ago that airlines would file exclusive fares and offer lots of bonus miles for booking directly from their own website. Now USeless Airways is charging a $5-$6 booking fee for booking on their half-baked website. Don’t believe me? Priceline and Hotwire do not charge […]

The Best Gadget Gifts if You Want to Splurge

The Best Gadget Gifts if You Want to Splurge

by Paris Martineau @ Slate Articles

This article originally appeared on the Strategist.

Looking for something really special for the tech-head in your life? Lucky enough to not need to worry too much about sticking to a budget? We’ve rounded up the best gifts, from video game consoles to headphones to a TV that’ll turn any room into a mini-IMAX theater.

Looking for a difference price range? We’ve got gifts for under $25, $50, $100, and $250, too.

Nintendo Switch

The video game console to get or give this year, the Switch is the perfect commute companion, and then slots in for big-screen playback at home. And the library of games already includes two insta-classics, if you’re feeling particularly generous and wanna toss them in: The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild and Super Mario Odyssey.

Nintendo Switch Console
$299, Amazon

Audio Technica AT-LP120-USB

If you know someone limping along with a thrift-store record player—or just someone who might be into haunting stacks of vinyl—this is the turntable to get. (Bonus: USB compatibility means if you find that ultra-rare 7-inch among the stacks, you can convert it to an audio file.)

Audio Technica AT-LP120-USB
$279, Amazon

Apple Watch Series 3

The latest Apple Watch is by far one of the best wearables on the market right now. It’s waterproof, can work without a phone, and—if you’re an Apple user—will make you feel like you’re living in the future.

Related: You Should Get an Apple Watch

Apple Watch Series 3
$383, Amazon

PS4 Pro

Sony’s powerhouse console continues to impress, and next year’s lineup of exclusives looks extremely enticing. With the PlayStation 4 currently outselling the Xbox One, it also means more players to get wrecked by in online gaming.

PlayStation 4 Pro
$399, Amazon

Sennheiser HD 1 Wireless

Last year, we picked the Sennheiser Momentum 2.0 wireless headphone as the best wireless headphones you can get, and the market agreed—they were popular enough that Sennheiser reissued the Momentums as the HD 1s. Same great sound, same noise cancellation that makes the roar of the subway disappear, and the same beautiful retro styling. For the audiophile in your life.

Sennheiser HD 1 Wireless
$381, Amazon

Xbox One X

If you’re shopping for the gamer in your life, this is the most powerful console on the market that’ll really show off the power of a 4K TV and allows games like Gears of War 4 to run smooth as butter. (Also a damn fine 4K Blu-ray player.)

Related: The Xbox One X Is the Best Console You Can Own. Should You Get It?

Xbox One X
$499, Amazon

Pixel 2

For the nonstop smartphone shutterbug, the Pixel 2 has the best smartphone camera we’ve used and a beautifully stripped-down Android OS that’s (nearly) as slick as iOS. One caveat: Make sure to get the smaller, 5-inch Pixel 2—the Pixel 2 XL has had some issues with its OLED screens.

Related: Pixel 2 Review: The Best Smartphone Camera Got Even Better

Pixel 2
$783, Amazon

TCL P-Series 55-inch 4K HDR TV

Chinese panel manufacturer TCL’s biggest play for North American market share is your gain, as you get a beautiful 4K picture with Dolby HDR that’ll make any Netflix binge look fantastic (and Roku comes built right into the set for easy streaming). This TV looks just as good as others we’ve looked at that cost twice as much.

TCL P-Series 55-inch TV
$850, Amazon

iPhone 8 Plus

One of the best cameras Apple has ever put out combined with the most powerful processor on the smartphone market. The final and greatest version of the classic iPhone form, it also has the added benefit of being easily available.

Related: How to Look As Hot As Possible Using the New iPhone Camera

iPhone 8 Plus
$945, Amazon

iPhone X

The best smartphone released this year. Jaw-dropping screen, powerful camera, and small enough to remind you of the days when a phone could fit in a pocket without a couple extra shoves.

Related: The iPhone X Will Change Your Selfie Game Forever

iPhone X
$1,369, Amazon

LG C7 OLED 55-inch TV

The problem with watching an OLED TV is every other TV is gonna start looking crappy in comparison. While some competitors have come close, LG’s OLED screens are still the reigning champs—deep, inky blacks, eye-popping brights, and nothing on-screen either blown out or too murky to make out. For the pure videophile in your life.

LG C7 OLED 55-inch TV
$1,697, Amazon

Hisense 100-Inch 4K HDR Laser TV

Yes, this TV costs as much as a used Honda Civic, but man: what a TV. Place this system (about the size of a carry-on suitcase) near a wall and hang up a screen, and its short-throw projector will display 100 inches of 4K HDR gorgeousness. Combine that with a built-in booming Harman Kardon sound system, and you’ve got the ability to re-create a movie theater in nearly any room.

Hisense 100-inch 4K Laser TV
$10,000, Amazon

This article is published through a partnership with New York magazine’s the Strategist and Select All. The partnership is designed to surface the most useful, expert recommendations for things to buy across the vast e-commerce landscape. We update links when possible, but note that deals can expire and all prices are subject to change. Every editorial product is independently selected by New York magazine. If you buy something through our links, Slate and New York magazine may earn an affiliate commission.

WalletHub Credit Monitoring Review – The Only Daily Updated Credit Score Site !

by The Fastest Growing Personal Finance Blog in 2017 @ Elite Personal Finance – Credit Report , Loans , Identity Theft , Credit Cards : Advanced Guides ; Best Reviews in 2018

Over the years, WalletHub has offered a number of very useful resources in the field of personal finance to the customers in the United States. They have established admirable authority in this field and continue to build it by offering legitimate, relevant and helpful information to many people across the country. In this article, we ...

The post WalletHub Credit Monitoring Review – The Only Daily Updated Credit Score Site ! appeared first on Elite Personal Finance - Credit Report , Loans , Identity Theft , Credit Cards : Advanced Guides ; Best Reviews in 2018.

Meeting Direct Deposit Requirements For Bank Bonuses

by Tony Phan @ Bank Bonus Guy

Many bank promotions require that you set up Direct Deposit in order to be eligible for the offers. Here’s a guide on some tips and tricks on meeting this requirement. While there are a few bank bonus offers that don’t require Direct Deposit, most of the higher value promotions do. The terms and conditions of […]

Winning the Right to Ride

Winning the Right to Ride

by Kate Masur @ Slate Articles

This article supplements Reconstruction, a Slate Academy. To learn more and to enroll, visit Slate.com/Reconstruction.

Adapted from An Example for All the Land: Emancipation and the Struggle Over Equality in Washington, D.C. by Kate Masur. Published by the University of North Carolina Press.

At 2 p.m. on a late February day in 1868, Kate Brown, an employee in the Senate, left work in the U.S. Capitol and boarded a train for Alexandria, Virginia. She planned to visit a relative and return to work about an hour later. Brown chose a seat in the car reserved for white “ladies” and their white male traveling companions. But Brown, who was by most contemporary descriptions “mulatto,” had no illusions about whom the “ladies’ car” was meant for. As she later put it, she had boarded “what they call the white people ’s car.”1 The alternative was the car designated for black Americans and white men not in the company of ladies. Often known as the smoking car, that car was a more promiscuous space in which people mingled in an environment with no pretensions of refinement or protectiveness. Brown did not care to mingle with the unruly public in the smoking car, and she believed she was entitled to ride in the ladies’ car if she had a ticket. A man standing on the Washington platform advised her to change cars, but Brown remained in her seat and had no further trouble.2

Brown also had every intention of returning to Washington in the ladies’ car. But when she boarded the train at the Alexandria depot a short time later, a special policeman (likely a security guard hired by the railroad) indicated that she must leave the ladies’ car. She refused. As she later testified: “I told him I came down in that car, and in that car I intended to return … he said I could not go; I asked him why … he said that car was for ladies; I told him then that was the very car I wanted to go in.”3 Not interested in debating, the policeman grabbed Brown and tried to pull her from the car. She held fast

to the inside of the door and braced her foot against the seat. When the policeman threatened to beat her, she told him he could go ahead: “I had made up my mind not to leave the car, unless they brought me off dead,” she averred.4

The policeman pounded Brown’s knuckles, twisted her arms, and grabbed her collar. He was soon joined by a man who called himself a “sheriff,” who held her by the neck and helped drag her out of the car and onto the platform. Brown estimated that the struggle on the Alexandria platform had lasted about 11 minutes, and she believed several white men had watched the entire incident. She later testified: “I declare they could not have treated a dog worse than they tried to treat me. It was nothing but ‘damned nigger,’ and cursing and swearing all the time.”5

The assault on Kate Brown at the Alexandria railroad depot became something of a local cause célèbre. The radical Republican Daily Chronicle called the incident a “disgrace to this age of civilization.” The newspaper contrasted Brown’s impeccable comportment with the barbarism of the “several representatives of the ‘chivalry’ of the South” who had attacked her. Radical Republicans in the Senate, who knew Brown as an employee, brought the incident to the attention of the entire Senate and argued that it demonstrated the inadequacy of existing civil rights laws. Brown also filed suit against the railroad company for damages, a move one unsympathetic federal official considered “a purposely got up case for the sake of a judicial row between the colors.”6

Kate Brown’s refusal to leave the ladies’ car and the steps she and others took in search of redress are particularly dramatic examples of a broader culture of protest that developed in the national capital during the 1860s.7 During the war and immediately afterward, black Washingtonians sought access to a remarkable range of arenas previously understood as the domain of white people only. These were not meek or quiet gestures. Rather, black Washingtonians demanded that white locals and federal officials consider their claims and respond to them.

In the volatile 1860s, no one knew what kinds of laws and customs would replace the vanquished world of slavery and the black codes. Even among northerners, there was widespread disagreement about the meaning of civil rights and the domain of equality before the law. Most Republicans agreed that there should be no racial restrictions on a set of basic “civil” rights, including an individual’s right to move from one place to another, nor should there be racial discrimination in legal proceedings. That consensus vision of racial equality was manifest in Congress’ 1862 eradication of the District ’s black codes. Yet those advances nonetheless left many urgent questions unanswered. As black Washingtonians quickly surmised, the abolition of the black codes had no bearing on a range of arenas in which racial equality was up for debate—including trains, streetcars, and other public accommodations. Nor did the formal codification of “equality before the law” guarantee that police would put that principle into practice.

Public accommodations were services run by private individuals or corporations for the public benefit. In common law, proprietors of public accommodations had a duty to serve the public and could not deny service arbitrarily. Their policies must conform to the principle of “reasonable regulation,” which allowed them to establish rules to preserve the peace, protect travelers, and cultivate the business itself. Thus, for example, proprietors could refuse to serve people who were drunk or ill, as their conditions might negatively affect other patrons or be disruptive to business. Whether proprietors could refuse accommodation to black Americans, or insist that they use segregated services, was very much in question. Some argued that such discrimination was arbitrary and therefore impermissible; others insisted that racial discrimination was a form of reasonable regulation that business owners could use to protect their business and the public peace.8

In Washington and other postwar cities, streetcars became a focal point in the debate over black Americans’ access to public accommodations. Unlike other public accommodations that were also under debate, including restaurants and fancy theaters, streetcars were not meant as accommodations for the elite. Because tickets were relatively inexpensive, streetcar travel was within reach for many working people. Moreover, because streetcars were single cars drawn by teams of horses, they offered fewer options for segregated seating than railroads. Streetcar companies did not sell first-class tickets or operate separate ladies’ accommodations, as the train that Kate Brown boarded did. The interiors of streetcars were typically mixed-class spaces, where laborers and middle-class people, men and women, congressmen and laborers shared a single car. In this, streetcars were distinctly urban institutions, characteristic of life in the country’s increasingly dense, populous, and diverse cities.9

Black Washingtonians began demanding equal access to streetcars during the Civil War. When black soldiers protested exclusion as they were being recruited during the summer of 1863, the capital’s one streetcar line inaugurated separate cars for black riders. The New York–based Anglo-African at first applauded the separate cars as a mark of progress, but the paper soon complained that the cars were inadequate to meet the growing demand by black riders.10

That winter, army surgeon Alexander Augusta made a high-profile protest after he was refused a seat on a streetcar while traveling on official business. Augusta outlined the incident in a letter to the military judge advocate and forwarded a copy to Sen. Charles Sumner, who read Augusta’s complaint in the Senate and insisted that more be done to safeguard the rights of black Americans to ride the city’s streetcars. The cars for black people only came “now and then, once in a long interval of time,” he argued, creating particularly severe hardships for women. It was a “disgrace to this city” and a “disgrace to this Government.”11 Sumner introduced into the new charter for the Metropolitan Railroad, the city’s chief streetcar company, a clause prohibiting “exclusion of colored persons from the equal enjoyment of all railroad privileges in the District of Columbia.”12

In the Senate, opponents of integration made perhaps their strongest case by citing railroad companies’ widespread practice of running separate cars for separate classes of travel. Railroads often ran ladies’ cars to which men could be denied access as well as smoking cars and refreshment cars, all of which were understood to be permitted under the common law principle of reasonable regulation. As Wisconsin Sen. James R. Doolittle explained, “public carriers” must “furnish a seat to every man who purchases a ticket and asks for a seat … and that is all they are bound to do.” If company managers decided the public was best served, and the peace best administered, by providing separate cars for black people and white people, such was their prerogative.

Others, however, argued that race and color were not varieties of difference that could be used in making distinctions among paying customers. Maryland Sen. Reverdy Johnson, a widely respected legal thinker, argued that there was no doubt that companies were allowed to preserve order within the cars but that prerogative did not mean they could make distinctions among law-abiding men.13 Charles Sumner and his allies in the Senate further insisted that recourse to the common law was not sufficient to the challenges black Americans faced. Whereas opponents argued that most black Americans were content with the situation as it stood (and that Alexander Augusta was merely a rabble-rouser), Sumner said people brought examples of injustice on the streetcars to his attention “almost daily.”

The debate brought disagreements over slavery and the future of black Americans to the surface, giving it a highly emotional and sectional tinge that may ultimately have pushed a few Republican moderates into Sumner’s camp. Delaware Sen. Willard Saulsbury argued that attempts to “equalize with ourselves an inferior race” were “insane.” White people who refused to ride streetcars with black Americans showed “good sense and good taste,” he claimed, before lambasting the North as the source of every awful “ ‘ism’ of the modern day”: “Woman’s rightsism, spiritualism, and every other ism, together with abolitionism.”14 Such arguments grated on Republican moderate Lot Morrill of Maine, who joined Sumner in arguing for the anti-discrimination language, not because he considered it legally necessary but because he interpreted border state senators like Saulsbury as defending the system of racial domination that had underpinned slavery. Saulsbury and his ilk had no problem riding with “colored men and women,” provided they wore upon themselves “the badge of bondage and servitude.” “It is in good taste to do that!” Morrill exclaimed sarcastically.15

Republicans did not agree on the lengths to which the federal government could go to ameliorate problems resulting from slavery, but they did agree on the imperative of ending slavery itself. Morrill had emphasized the measure’s close association with the abolition of slavery, and this may have helped secure the Senate votes necessary to pass the Metropolitan Railroad incorporation act with Sumner’s clause included.

Congress’ codification of black Americans’ right to ride the District’s streetcars was a significant innovation, not just because it represented a willingness to undertake progressive policy experiments in the capital but also because the concept of an individual right to ride was, itself, very new. Black Washingtonians had insisted that, once free, they must be entitled to full membership in the traveling public and to the privilege of using ladies’ or first-class accommodations if they so desired and could afford it. Their claims had pushed Congress to discuss the meaning of common law principles and the necessity for declaratory legislation where the common law was violated, and Congress had created a “right” to ride as a result. Questions about the boundary between public and private, and about the legitimacy of various kinds of discrimination, would remain crucial as Americans continued to debate the question of where—literally in what spaces—people’s civil rights began and ended.

Adapted from An Example for All the Land: Emancipation and the Struggle Over Equality in Washington, D.C. by Kate Masur. Copyright © 2010 by the University of North Carolina Press. Used by permission of the University of North Carolina Press. www.uncpress.unc.edu.

1. Committee on the District of Columbia, Report. 40th Cong., 2nd sess., 1868, S. Rept. Com. 131, 12.

2. Ibid.

3. Ibid.

4. Ibid.

5. Ibid., 13.

6. Benjamin Brown French, Witness to the Young Republic: A Yankee’s Journal, 1828-1870, ed. Donald B. Cole and John J. McDonough (Hanover, N.H.: University Press of New England, 1989), 613.

7. For the larger story of Kate Brown and her protest, see Kate Masur, “Patronage and Protest in Kate Brown’s Washington,” Journal of American History, 99 (March 2013), 1047–71.

8. The principle of “reasonable regulation” is clearly explained in Barbara Y. Welke, “When All the Women Were White, and All the Blacks Were Men: Gender, Class, Race, and the Road to Plessy, 1855-1914,” Law and History Review, 13 (Autumn 1995), 273–74. For black Americans’ antebellum demands for access to railroads and streetcars, see also Leslie M. Harris, In the Shadow of Slavery: African Americans in New York City, 1626-1863 (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 2003), 270–71; and Louis Ruchames, “Jim Crow Railroads in Massachusetts,” American Quarterly, 8 (spring 1956), 61–75.

9. In Washington in the spring of 1865, a ticket cost seven cents when purchased from the conductor and less than six cents if bought in advance as part of a book. At the federal government ’s daily laborers’ wage of $2, the 12 cents required for a round-trip commute was about 6 percent of a day’s wages. Washington Chronicle, March 29, 1865.

10. Anglo-African, Nov. 7, 1863, Nov. 28, 1863. See also Sojourner Truth, Narrative of Sojourner Truth; a Bondswoman of Olden Time, With a History of Her Labors and Correspondence Drawn From Her ‘Book of Life,’ edited by Olive Gilbert (Battle Creek, Mich., 1878), 184.

11. Congressional Globe, 38th Cong., 1st sess., 1864, 553–54.

12. Ibid., 553 (emphasis added).

13. Ibid., CG, 38th Cong., 1st sess., 1864, 1156.

14. Ibid., 1141, 1158.

15. Ibid., 1159.

The 1908 Murder That Brought Sexual Assault, Work, and Power to the Headlines

The 1908 Murder That Brought Sexual Assault, Work, and Power to the Headlines

by Lindsay Bernhagen @ Slate Articles

Sarah Koten immigrated to the United States in 1902. Five years later, she began working under the tutelage of Dr. Martin W. Auspitz, who ran a sanitarium where Koten was also allowed to live. According to the June 9, 1908, issue of the New York Times, Koten worked with Auspitz for about five months. “I was frightened and did not want to stay,” she later told a coroner, “but the doctor wanted me to stay, and said he would make a trained nurse out of me.” Then one morning, as she told it, Auspitz chloroformed and raped her in the room where she slept at the sanitarium.

Koten found herself pregnant. According to Koten, Auspitz pressured her to get an abortion, but she refused and left the job.

Finding herself poor and unable to obtain work due to her pregnancy, Koten, an unmarried Russian Jewish immigrant, went to the courts and brought suit against Dr. Auspitz for the rape and to hold him responsible for the unborn child. He denied the accusations, and defense-witness testimony from Auspitz’s brother and brother-in-law maligned Koten’s character. The presiding judge acquitted the doctor on the grounds of insufficient evidence. Turned away by the police, and advised by the district attorney that she had no other legal recourse for what the doctor had done to her, Koten sought redress on her own terms. She lured Auspitz to a made-up patient’s home and, upon his arrival, shot and killed him.

Koten gave birth to her child during the year she spent imprisoned while on trial. Then Koten became a lightning rod for the early feminist angst against the injustices of American workplaces of the day, a hero to female labor leaders, and a dark inspiration to other women who would go on to murder men and cite Koten as a role model.

Rachel Elin Nolan, a Ph.D. candidate in English at the University of Connecticut, analyzes Koten’s story in a recent article in the feminist journal Signs. Nolan’s article traces the evolution of the press’s coverage of Koten “as a ‘wretched’ and ‘frenzied’ girl and ‘a total wreck’ ” into an object of public sympathy. According to Nolan, when Koten was first arraigned, the press “delighted in recounting anecdotes about her ostensible hysteria and criminality.” However, as the story evolved, Auspitz’s history of being accused of sexual violence against women emerged. Two women had previously come forward to name him as their attacker, with one going so far as to try to kill him herself. (According to the Washington Post, Hannah Jensen, a patient of Auspitz’s at the saniatrium, attempted to shoot him but was less successful than Koten. She was arrested but allowed to go free as long as she promised not to harm him.)

Aided by the public’s temporary interest in broader patterns of male abuses against women and Koten’s insistence that her attack of Auspitz was done to save other women from him, the press started to turn in Koten’s favor. While the trial was ongoing, the Wilkes-Barre Times Leader quoted Koten as sublimating her own needs to her son’s: “There is nothing in the world like loving as a mother loves. I think of nothing but him. It makes no difference what comes to me, I am not anything myself … I have no care for anything but the baby.” In their coverage of the trial, the Wilkes-Barre Times Leader and the Philadelphia Inquirer ran pictures of Koten holding her newborn son, Abraham.

Her story was also featured in a suffrage-themed issue of the Coming Nation, then a popular socialist newspaper, as an example of how an ideal immigrant, a “frail little woman,” saw her hopes of prosperity dashed by the workplace exploitation endured by women. By the time the case ended, Koten’s image had been rehabilitated. Mercy was granted to the submissive new mother who had been victimized and forced into poverty when she was unable to obtain justice against her abusive employer through legal pathways.

In an interview with Slate, Nolan explained that Koten’s story was taken at the time as evidence that a “new unwritten law” was emerging. Up until the late 19th century, the unwritten law was a sort of widely shared “ ‘gentlemen’s agreement’ that if another man had meddled with a woman in his life, it was acceptable that he would retaliate.” In the late 19th century, however, the press began discussing a new unwritten law that applied to the women who experienced violence at the hands of men: Because they had little power to stop men’s aggression through other means, they were allowed to commit violence themselves in response.

As Nolan explained, “This often hinged on the women making the claim, ‘I’m just a woman. I couldn’t do anything else but pick up a gun and shoot him.’ ” While this shift in public opinion provided women grounds for justifying retaliation, it was also contingent on their willingness to emphasize not their autonomy but their victimhood. To earn mercy, they had to concede: “I’m so weak; he was so powerful.”

This shift in public perception Koten experienced benefited her legally and served to bolster the political aims of the groups that used her story to further their own causes, but, as Nolan points out, it ultimately obscured her efforts to lay claim to her own autonomy in the face of a system that had failed her. While awaiting trial, Koten was interviewed by well-known socialist activist Rose Pastor Stokes, who would become a strong ally of Koten’s throughout the trial (and would go on to use Koten’s story as the basis for her 1916 play The Woman Who Wouldn’t …).

Koten made clear to Stokes that murdering Dr. Auspitz was not merely a last-ditch effort to spare herself of any future abuses at his hand but a kind of activism on behalf of other poor women: “When I thought of my broken life and the lives he might live to break, well, I felt it was my duty to kill him.” The public sympathy from which Koten ultimately benefited was contingent on her desperate victimhood rather than what she saw herself as: an empowered and righteous avenger.

Nolan notes that, left to their own devices, women seeking retaliation against men who had wronged them began to cite Koten’s case as inspiration for their own violent actions. Later in 1908, Sarah Comiskey tried to kill her father for deserting his family. That same year, Nellie Walden killed her ex-boyfriend for abandoning her, and in early 1909, a woman named Elizabeth threatened a man named Charles Schmidt, telling him that if he didn’t marry her, she would “blow out his brains like Sarah Koten did.” (He complied, but ultimately had the marriage annulled.) Each of these women claimed Koten as inspiration. Yet none was able to convincingly demonstrate her victimhood enough to draw the leniency under Koten had.

Unwritten laws, while potentially powerful, are no substitute for policies or systems. They are subject to varied interpretation, trust, and shared sensibility among their various constituents, to an informal and often inequitable adjudication of who “counts” as a viable complainant. And, most importantly, unwritten laws leave little recourse for victims who are unable to game the implicit codes in their favor and convince the audience they were helpless (white, of course) victims deserving of sympathy and the benefits of the unwritten laws. Of course, it’s men’s belief that nobody will believe the women they assault that often leads them to target them in the first place. This is likely why a doctor back in 1908 thought he could get away with raping a nurse. Koten’s story is only one for the history books because, in this case, he turned out to be wrong.

In many ways, this is the argument anti-rape activists have been making for years about rape culture: How we respond to those who say they have been sexually assaulted and preventing sexual violence in the first place are not unrelated issues. Thanks to the shift in public opinion, the resulting mercy granted by Justice James A. Blanchard, and the help of the women’s organization that took her into its care, Koten was given the chance to retreat into anonymity and “rear her child” in what early-20th-century Pennsylvanian publication the Index called “ignorance of the crime its mother had committed.”

Because Koten likely changed her name, Nolan has spent considerable time trying to find out what became of her and her child to no avail.

Did she go on to live a happy life with her child? How did she pay the bills? Did her next employers mistreat her, or did she get respect and a guarantee of safety while she worked?

When the only kind of justice for workplace abuse comes in the court of public opinion, what kind of peace does it offer the victim in the long run? These are answers Koten’s story can’t give us.

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How a Supreme Court Decision for Masterpiece Cakeshop Would Harm Religious Minorities

How a Supreme Court Decision for Masterpiece Cakeshop Would Harm Religious Minorities

by Katherine Franke @ Slate Articles

On Tuesday, lawyers representing Jack Phillips, a baker from Lakewood, Colorado, will argue to the U.S. Supreme Court that religious freedom is under serious, if not mortal, threat. They will urge the court to embrace their interpretation of religious liberty principles, insisting that if they don’t win, the rights of people of faith will be in serious jeopardy.

Phillips and his lawyers have it exactly wrong—it is they who pose a threat to religious freedom. A victory for Phillips would not only harm people of faith, but also those who value our nation’s commitment to religious pluralism and civic equality.

The case being argued before the Supreme Court this week, Masterpiece Cakeshop v. Colorado Civil Rights Commission, raises the important question of whether businesses can rely on religious justifications in order to avoid compliance with state’s non-discrimination laws. As Phillips put it, he declined to bake a wedding cake for a same-sex couple because “using his God-given talents to promote same-sex marriage would go against his religious belief that marriage is between a man and a woman.”

On the surface, Phillips’ argument may appear to advance rights for people of faith. After all, under his view, a small group of religious adherents may gain legal protections. But as we argue in an amicus brief on behalf of fifteen religious minority groups, significantly more people of faith—and religious minorities in particular—stand to suffer if Phillips’ argument prevails. Why? Because non-discrimination laws, such as the Colorado law at issue in this case, often play an indispensable role in protecting the rights of religious communities. These laws serve as a critically important check against discrimination by businesses, employers, landlords, others; without such protections, individuals or groups—especially those outside the mainstream—would not be able to fully participate in civil society, and would be vulnerable to unjust persecution and harassment at every turn.

The United States is more heterogeneous racially and religiously than at any point in our history. As a result, robust non-discrimination laws are all the more crucial for ensuring that people of every faith can live and work together. But if Phillips prevails before the Supreme Court, those who would deny jobs or services to people because of their religious objections will feel even more empowered to do so. For example, a clothing store may choose to refuse to serve or hire Muslim or Jewish women who embrace modesty values because of opposition to their beliefs and practices. This is no idle threat; only two years ago the Supreme Court heard a case in which a Muslim woman was denied a job simply because she was wearing a headscarf.

In recent years, claims of religious discrimination have risen dramatically. According to data from the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission's (EEOC), there were over 1,000 more workplace religious discrimination complaints in 2016 than in 2006. Discrimination is particularly severe for religious minorities; for instance, while Muslims represent only one percent of the U.S. population, over twenty percent of the filed EEOC religious discrimination charges in 2015 related to incidents of anti-Muslim discrimination. The Department of Justice also consistently reports a disproportionately high number of discriminatory incidents against Muslims and Jews.

Phillips’ arguments also run directly contrary to well established principals and decisions from the Supreme Court. The court has long recognized that robust protections against religion-based discrimination play a key role in the protection of twin bedrock values that underlie both the U.S. Constitution and American democracy: that the government has a responsibility to avoid entangling itself in religion while also protecting the value of pluralism, particularly religious pluralism, in American civil society.

To that end, almost all of the court’s most important religious liberty cases have involved claims made by religious minorities. When Amish, Jewish, Seventh-Day Adventist, Native American, Sikh and Muslim people of faith have sought protection, the court has recognized their constitutional right to practice their religion without government-imposed burdens or discrimination. In a landmark 1963 case, Sherbert v. Verner, the court considered the claim of a woman who was Seventh-Day Adventist and who was fired because she would not work on Saturday, her Sabbath. Not only did the court rule in her favor, it established a rigorous standard for reviewing these types of claims asserted by religious minorities, relying in part on the high standards used in race discrimination cases. Phillips’ position amounts to nothing less than a partial—albeit significant—repeal of the non-discrimination protections contained in state, federal, and local laws that are integral, if not essential, to the free exercise of religion. The ruling sought by Jack Phillips and his lawyers would undermine all this precedent by severing religious liberty doctrine from the Constitution’s promise of equality. 

Jack Phillips is right about one thing: religious liberty is a bedrock American principle. However, if the Supreme Court truly wants to protect that principle it should uphold, not weaken, civil rights laws. Liberty and equality are mutually reinforcing values, and both are weakened when they are placed at odds. Ironically, Phillips’ claim that his religious beliefs entitle him to refuse to bake a wedding cake for two gay men threatens not only to unravel the equality rights of LGBTQ people, but to set back the cause of religious equality in this country as well. The two phobias that tragically animate so much our public culture in this period are homophobia and anti-Muslim bigotry. Allowing religion-based refusals of service to gay men will likely be followed in short order by refusals of service to Muslims, Sikhs, Jews and other people of minority faiths.

Gift Sets for Every Kind of Recipient

Gift Sets for Every Kind of Recipient

by Lori Keong @ Slate Articles

This article originally appeared on the Strategist.

We set out to curate so many distinct, varied gift guides each year simply because gift-shopping is so specific to another person’s taste. Sure, when you’re down to the wire, you might consider just buying a gift card for that “impossible to shop for” person, but here are some gift sets we found on Amazon that might help to fill in the gaps: from a bounty of junk food to satisfy a college student to a best-selling baby gift set for new moms.

For a College Student Who Doesn’t Cook

An embarrassment of junk-food riches for someone surviving on Easy Mac and ramen.

Cravebox Deluxe Care Package Snack Box
$30, Amazon

For a Luxury–Skin Care Fiend

It includes their best-selling hand creams and some luxurious body oils and lotions that will make you smell like a rich person.

L’Occitane Gift Set
$154, Amazon

For a Person Who Loves Entertaining

Don’t miss the hidden pullout drawer that contains all the cheese knives and spreading tools.

Bamboo Cheeseboard and Charcuterie Set
$60, Amazon

For a Millennial

They’re not the Lush brand, or one of those unicorn bath bombs, but when they’re packaged like little Ladurée macarons, your giftee probably won’t even mind.

Bath Bomb Gift Set
$17, Amazon

For a Relative Who Loves Snacking

Sure, you’ll find many nutty gift baskets on Amazon, but this one’s exceptionally well-reviewed if you’re scrambling for last-minute gifts or just looking for a varied sampler plate to leave out for guests.

Holiday Gourmet Food Nuts Gift Basket
$28, Amazon

For a New Mom

Moms love Mustela’s sweet-smelling baby products (one told us recently that they are “the best-smelling baby products in the world”; writer Hillary Kelly is another big fan), so this starter pack of baby essentials is certain to be a hit.

Mustela Newborn Arrive Gift Set
$35, Amazon

For a Person Who’s As Serious About Exfoliating As Pharrell

A dermatologist-recommended facial-cleansing brush that will help keep your skin in pristine condition in between facials.

Clarisonic Perfecting Starter Holiday Gift Set
$129, Amazon

For a Seasonal Drink Enthusiast

A festive tea-sampler box that would please anyone who craves gingerbread lattes and spiced cider—with flavors ranging from Rum Raisin Biscotti to Spiced Ginger Rum.

Tea Forte Warming Joy Presentation Box
$20, Amazon

For a Person Who Would Enjoy a Meat-Lovers Pizza

So. Much. Jerky.

Buffalo Bills 12-Piece Jerky Set Gift Cooler
$50, Amazon

For a Boyfriend Who’s Trying to Get Into Skin Care

A very advanced skin care kit (a skin serum, an eye cream, and chemical resurfacing pads) that will